NEWSDAY ALERT!!I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: NEWSDAY

LIVE APPEARANCE ALERT!! MY CNN colleagues here in New York can see me TONIGHT at the annual CNN party at "Show." I'll be competing for a $12,000 1st prize, so please come and cheer me on!


Sears-Kmart
Experts are now saying the Kmart-Sears deal will make the combined company the nation's #3 retailer, and the #1 place to find cheap crap.

Bush on Rice
When George Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State, he said that she would show "America's face to the world." That's opposed to the President himself, who shows America's ass to the world.

Powell's Mark
Colin Powell may be best remembered at the State Department for removing the men's urinals from the ladies rooms in the building... which is too bad, since Condoleezza Rice probably prefers using a urinal.

Tuition Fundraiser
An English college student is trying to pay her tuition by offering men 15 minute sessions with her 32 C breasts. Educators are shocked and are reminding the student that showing your breasts is how you get an "A" in college classes, not how you pay for them

Breast-Fed Dog
A woman in New Zealand says she's breastfeeding her puppy because she wants it to protect her baby daughter as they both grow up. But experts say using her breasts is the way a woman gets her husband to agree to protect the children, not the dog.

Minnelli Responds
Liza Minnelli says her longtime bodyguard, M'Hammed Soumayah, has violated his promise to never reveal sordid secretes of the star's life. But Soumayah says that he did nothing of the sort, because everyone already knew she was a fat drunk.

Surprise Donation
The University of Great Falls in Montana has received a 2.3 million dollar donation from the will of a former janitor who worked in the dormitory at the school. The man reportedly made his fortune selling off all the crap everyone leaves behind in their rooms at the end of the semester.