Sears-Kmart Merger
Kmart is buying Sears in an $11 billion merger deal. Insiders say Kmart got the idea after seeing Martha Stewart using a Craftsman screwdriver to threaten one of her fellow inmates.

Sears-Kmart Merger II
Kmart is buying Sears in an $11 billion merger deal. Experts believe that their combined forces will finally be enough to bring back polyester pants.

New Burger
Hardee's has introduced a new hamburger called the "Monster Thickburger," which contains two 1/3 pound angus beef burgers, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, and has 1400 calories and 107 grams of fat. And the folks in the red states thought they'd have to wait a long time to be rewarded for re-electing President Bush!

Clinton Visit
Employees at a Little Rock, Arkansas office building, have been asked to leave their deer hunting rifles at home because former President Bill Clinton is coming to town for the opening of his presidential library. Actually, they can bring their rifles, it's better if they just leave their daughters at home.

Shark Attack
A great white shark ate a 77 year-old woman this week as she swam off a South African beach, leaving only her red bathing cap... proving that every living thing on Earth thinks those bathing caps are ugly.

Viagra Ad
Pfizer has agreed to pull its "wild thing" Viagra television after the FDA complained that they made the impotence drug sound like a "recreational sex aid." Similar, but not as hurtful, as the deception endured by Viagra users whose girlfriends told them their problem really "happens to lots of guys."