Sunday, July 31, 2011

Deal Done
President Obama, Congressional Republicans and Democrats all worked through the weekend and finally agreed on a debt cutting plan. Now it's on to trying to avoid more serious financial disasters, like the L.A. Dodgers.

Downgrade Looms
Despite the debt deal success, the U.S. might still get downgraded by the financial rating agencies... which is kinda like when a man leaves his wife even after she gets a boob job.

HSBC Layoffs
Hong Kong banking giant HSBC is cuttinf 30,000 jobs... of course in China, there are 30,000 people in line at every HSBC ATM.

Poll Pain
President Obama's approval rating has hit an all-time low of 40% in the Gallup Poll. And most of that 40% are the just the people who made a lot of money betting against him in the March Madness pool.

Rent Outrage
It's just been revealed that Vice President Joe Biden is charging the Secret Service rent to station its guards in the cottage near his home in Delaware. But the good news is they get to call him every night to fix the clogged toilet.

August 1st

30 BC: Octavian enters Alexandria, Egypt, bringing it under the control of the Roman Republic, and making it part of the Star Alliance frequent flier deal.

1834: Slavery is abolished in the British Empire... except for women who happened to be married to British men.

1966: Purges of intellectuals becomes official People's Republic of China policy. It's the worst thing to happen to highly educated people until the premiere of Jersey Shore.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

July 31st

1492: The Jews are expelled from Spain. Jews and Spanish speaking people never meet again, until 450 years later in Miami.

1790: The first U.S. patent is issued to inventor Samuel Hopkins... sadly it is not for the invention of toilet paper.

1972: Northeast Airlines flies its last flight before being integrated into Delta Air Lines the next day. Everyone's bags are still missing.

July 30th

1619: In Jamestown, Virginia, the first representative assembly in the Americas, the House of Burgesses, convenes for the first time. It creates the first American budget deficit within the first 15 minutes.

1971: David Scott and James Irwin on the Apollo Lunar Module module Falcon land on the Moon with the first Lunar Rover. They drive around forever looking for a gas station.

1975: Jimmy Hoffa disappears from the parking lot of the Machus Red Fox restaurant in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan… judging by what he ordered for dinner there, it’s possible he’s just still in the bathroom.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Planet Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi says that in this debt ceiling debate, she and the Democrats are "trying to save life as we know it on planet Earth." Most Americans think Pelosi should be more concerned about what's going on on whatever planet she's from.

Boehner Bill
House Speaker John Boehner couldn't get enough of his own Republican colleagues to vote for his debt reduction bill. This is almost as bad as the time Eric Cantor refused to share the last available sun lamp at the tanning salon.

Economic Numbers
The goverment will release the latest GDP numbers at 8:30 this morning. It's not clear how bad the report will be, but we do know the report is coming with a box of tissues already included.

Patriot Signing
The New England Patriots signed both Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ocho Cinco to free agent contracts yesterday. In a related story, 500 new doctors were signed to contracts yesterday at all of the Boston area's top psychiatric hospitals.

Airbrush Ban
Great Britain has banned makeup ads that feature airbrushed pictures of celebrities. We'd do the same here in the U.S., but no one wants to see what Liza Minnelli really looks like.

July 29th

1864: Confederate spy Belle Boyd is arrested by Union troops after she unsuccessfully tries to find out if Abe Lincoln was gay.

1987: British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President of France François Mitterrand sign the agreement to build a tunnel under the English Channel… well, the British agreed to build it, the French agreed to drink wine and watch.

1988: The film Cry Freedom is seized by South African authorities. Thankfully one year later, it does the same thing to Weekend at Bernie’s.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Movie Time
House Republicans used a clip from the movie "The Town" to fire themselves up in the continuing debt fight. In contrast, Congressional Democrats last night watched a screening of "Brewster's Millions."

Geithner's Warning
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithenr insists the U.S. will run out of money on August 2nd... that's even if Geithner decides to pay his taxes this year.

Obama Options
More and more Democrats want President Obama to just raise the debt limit by using the 14th Amendment. The rest of America just wants all the politicians to use the 5th Amendment to shut the heck up.

College Fees
More and more colleges are tacking on mandatory student fees to make up for lost government funding. But students aren't noticing because the schools are collecting the fees every Friday at noon before any of them wake up.

Davis Fired
North Carolina has fired football coach Butch Davis... after reports that he allowed some of his players to go to class.

July 28th

1896: The city of Miami, Florida – a municipality based on the right to eat dinner out at 4pm -- is incorporated.

1868: The 14th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States is certified, establishing African-American citizenship, due process of law, and perpetual racial harmony, friendship and unicorns.

1965: President Lyndon B. Johnson announces his order to increase the number of United States troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to 125,000. Sadly, this act gives Joan Baez something to sing about.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Busy Signals
Congressional phone and internet lines are getting jammed this week. It's not clear if it's because voters want to sound off about the debt denate or because parents of teenage girls are trying to find out if they're in Congressman Henry Wu's office.

Immelt the Outsourcer
GE CEO Jeff Immelt remains the head of President Obama's jobs commission, even as his company announced it is about to ship more jobs to China. Americans will still be okay with Immelt as long as one of those of the things he outsources is MSNBC.

Winehouse Sales
Sales of Amy Winehouse's albums have been going through the roof since her death last weekend. In a related story, three record company executives have just been arrested for trying to kill Ashlee Simpson.

Still Losing
The Seattle Mariners have now lost 17 straight games. Naturally, the team's manager has just been named to the White House economic team.

MPG Demands
The major automakers have agreed to White House demands to get their average fuel efficiency to 55 MPG by 2025... and America's horse farmers have agreed to White House demands to start producing pretty unicorns by 2026.

July 27th

1789: The first U.S. federal government agency, the Department of Foreign Affairs, is established (it will be later renamed “Madame Susie’s Capitol Hill Brothel).

1953: The Korean War ends when the United States, the People's Republic of China, and North Korea sign an agreement to delay the war until M*A*S*H is released 17 years later.

1976: Former Japanese prime minister Kakuei Tanaka is arrested on suspicion of violating foreign exchange and foreign trade laws… after he is caught with 15,000 Hello Kitty purses in his garage.

Texas is Hot!
In the last two years, Texas has accounted for half of all the net payroll increases in the entire country, mostly because the oil companies need a lot more people to count their money.

Lend us $99 Billion
The U.S. Treasury is looking to borrow $99 billion in the next three days. It plans to avoid default by stretching the payments out over 30 years and giving the lenders a phony home phone number.

Goin' Postal
Today, the postal service will announce the fate of 3,600 post offices that could be closed... and to save money and time, that announcement will come via email.

Red Light Red Alert
Los Angeles has decided not to make people pay for red light camera tickets anymore. It turns out the city was making much more money selling the tabloids all the red light camera pictures Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen.

Football is Back!
The NFL lockout is now over... and to celebrate, the Texas Rangers and the Minnesota Twins played a football game instead of baseball. The Rangers won 20-6.

July 26th

1788: New York ratifies the United States Constitution and then tells it to, “go back to Jersey!”

1914: Serbia and Bulgaria interrupt diplomatic relationship, and decided to just consider themselves “friends with benefits.”

1947: President Harry S. Truman signs the National Security Act of 1947 creating the Central Intelligence Agency, the United States Department of Defense, and a really tough bouncer at the Copa Cabana.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

NFL Deal
The good news is owners and players have finally made a deal to end the NFL lockout. The better news is that now there are a 100 350-pound linemen freed up to sit on all the politicians in Washington until they make a budget deal.

Market Reaction
The lack of a debt deal in Washington is threatening to disrupt the stock market... but not as much as all the fantasy football drafts scheduled for later this week.

Flight to Safety
With all of the debt problems in the U.S., Swiss francs have become a new favorite for investors... but mostly because about half of those investors think they're covered in chocolate.

Coin Offer
A New Jersey coin dealer group is offering the U.S. government $20 million for the 10 golden eagle coins the feds took from a family in Philadelpia. It could work out because even though the coins are worth $80 million, a $60 million loss for the government isn't so bad these days!

Affirmative Action Request
The state of Michigan wants an entire federal appeals court to drop what it's doing and decide on its ban on Affirmative Action. The state needs speedy action because it just doesn't make sense to start the U of M's training camp before there's a decision.

July 25th

864: Charles the Bald orders defensive measures against the Vikings... and a blitz against the Rams.

1593: Henry IV of France publicly converts from Protestantism to Roman Catholicism... and thus gets kicked out of the Shady Hills Country Club.

1868: Wyoming becomes a United States territory... a huge victory for the local ruling paerty of sheep and bison.

July 24th

1487: Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands strike against ban on foreign beer... especially after they learn that Heineken is really made in New Jersey.

1701: Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac founds the trading post at Fort Pontchartrain... and then later tricks it out and renames it "Escalade."

1998: Russell Eugene Weston Jr. bursts into the United States Capitol and opens fire killing two police officers. He is later ruled to be incompetent to stand trial, but competent enough to run for Congress.

July 23rd

1874: Aires de Ornelas e Vasconcelos is appointed the Archbishop of the Portuguese colony dedicated to speech impediments.

1962: The International Agreement on the Neutrality of Laos is signed… as expected, Laos has no opinion.

1982: The International Whaling Commission decides to end commercial whaling by 1985-86… or whenever Louie Anderson stops swimming, whichever comes first.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Chrysler Loss
The U.S. government has sold all its shares in Chrysler at a loss of $1.8 billion... which is not bad because when most Americans buy a Chrysler they lost about $2 billion and at least two weeks of work waiting for it to get out of the shop.

Where's the Heat?
Global warming has slowed down considerably since 1998 and scientists are baffled as to why. One theory is that. Al Gore has forgotten to turn off the air conditioning at several of his 11,000 square foot homes.

Euro Rescue
European stocks are higher on news that a new bailout plan will rescue Greece, Ireland, and all those European men who wear tight jeans and Capezios.

NFL Deal?
The NFL owners have all voted in favor of the new labor proposal but the union has not yet voted. The delay is because he league keeps making the mistake of trying to reach the players at their wives' instead of their girlfriends' houses.

Arnold Says No
Court documents show that Arnold Schwarzenegger does not want to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver. So Shriver is starting to pump iron in hopes of passing herself off as one of Arnold's illegitimate kids.

July 22nd

1933: Wiley Post becomes the first person to fly solo around the world traveling 15,596 miles in 7 days, 18 hours, and 5 pairs of pants.

1937: The United States Senate votes down President Franklin D. Roosevelt's proposal to add more justices to the Supreme Court, but votes in favor of his plan to add more brothels on Capitol Hill.

2003: Members of the 101st Airborne kill Saddam Hussein's sons Uday and Qusay, and confiscate 16 metric tons of bad hair gel.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Prison Poll
A new poll shows that most Californians would rather live next to a newly-released prisoner than pay more taxes to keep inmates behind bars. But even more Californians would be willing to pay a lot more taxes not to have to live anywhere near Lindsay Lohan.

Fed Preps
Reuters has an exclusive report about how the Fed is preparing for a possible U.S. government default next month. Some Fed board members will be helping banks make loans, others will assist the Treasury with mailing out Social Security checks, and the rest of them are grabbing whatever gold they can and heading to Tijuana.

Coin Case
The Philadelphia family suing to get its rare golden eagle coins back from the government lost their case in federal court yesterday. But as a consolation prize, the feds are allowing the family to keep their incandescent lightbulbs.

Boozing in America
A new study shows 25% of all Americans participated in binge drinking in the past month, the other 75% had to clean up the puke.

Greek Deal
Germany and France have reached a deal on a new Greek rescue plan. In return for 70 billion euros, Greece has agreed to clean Dominique Strauss-Kahn's hotel bed sheets.

July 21st

1919: The dirigible Wingfoot Air Express crashes into the Illinois Trust and Savings Building in Chicago, briefly disturbing the dozens of people who were in the midst of robbing the place.

1925: In Dayton, Tennessee, high school biology teacher John T. Scopes is found guilty of teaching evolution in class, and nothing about global warming which is far more important.

1969: Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin become the first humans to walk on the Moon. Months later, they become the first humans to walk in Los Angeles.