Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Obama G-20
President Obama will meet with European leaders today for the G-20 Summit in Britain. The foreign heads of state will ask Mr. Obama to fire all of their failing auto company CEO's.

American Wi Fi
American Airlines will soon make the internet available to all domestic passengers. This is great news for business travelers who need to go online several times an hour to check if they've been laid off yet.

Guns on Campus
The Texas state legislature is considering a bill to make it legal for students to carry a gun on state college campuses. If the bill passes, no one will ever fail organic chemistry again.

Cash for Clunkers
The U.S. government will soon offer Americans thousands of dollars to trade in their old cars for more fuel efficient vehicles. Americans will get a similar opportunity to trade in their clunkers for more efficient models in the 2010 election.

Madonna Adopts Again
Madonna is adopting another poor child from Malawi. It's not clear whether she's expanding her family or just wants to help Alex Rodriguez find a replacement hip.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Wagoner Ousted
In a stunning move, GM CEO Rick Wagoner has agreed to step down as part of the Obama administration's auto industry restructuring plan. Wagoner was given two choices: step down at GM, or be forced to take the CEO job at Chrysler.

Wagoner was reportedly not willing to budge from his CEO position at GM, but he was finally convinced to step down when the government promised him a free Toyota.

The government is looking for someone to replace Wagoner who can really turn the company around... like somebody who can afford to buy 17 million cars by next Wednesday.

Spartans Win
Michigan State's entry into the Final Four has boosted spirits in the economically suffering state... mostly because you don't actually need a job to get into an NCAA basketball office pool.

Cellphone Laws
Several states are considering passer tougher laws to ban cellphone use while driving. Experts say the efforts are a waste of time because the Obama administration is working on banning driving.

O'Hare Honors Lincoln
O'Hare Airport is honoring Lincoln's 200th birthday with a series of historic displays in several terminals. But O'Hare will continue to dishonor Lincoln's memory by continuing to enslave thousands of people on the airport security line.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell Delay
The Obama administration says it's delaying its promised changes to the controversial "don't ask, don't tell" policy toward gays in the military because of the economic crisis. The White House isn't sure there's enough money in the budget to pay for color-coordinated uniforms.

Friday, March 27, 2009

More Troops to Afghanistan
President Obama is sending 4,000 new troops to finally destroy the Taliban out of Afghanistan. The move is especially hawkish, since 3,000 of those troops are former AIG executives.

Electric Car
Tesla Motors has rolled out its $49,000 all electric-powered sedan. The car will save motorists thousands in gas prices, but their electric bills will now be about $10,000 a month.

Aid to Pakistan
The Obama administration is planning billions in new assistance to Pakistan, provided the Pakistanis stop paying huge bonuses to the worst performing terrorists.

FAA Secrets
The federal government plans to block public access to its records of aircraft and bird collisions. Otherwise, envrionmentalist groups were threatening to file dozens of lawsuits to protect the birds' privacy rights.

No Street Lights
The lights of New York City's Empire State Building and several other major buildings will be turned off Saturday night for an environmental demonstration called "Earth Hour". But the event will be known locally as the "mugging and looting hour."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

More Auto Loans
President Obama's auto task force is recommending more loans for GM and Chrysler, but only if there are sacrifices... like not making any cars for 4-5 years.

Paulson Book
Former Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson is writing a book on the 2008 financial crisis. It will be the first thing Paulson has had to sell that didn't cost at least $700 billion.

Wall Street to Public School
The state of New Jersey is looking to hire unemployed Wall Street traders as public school teachers. Students in those classes will learn how $170 billion in losses somehow equals a $165 million bonus.

Doc in Trouble
A St. Louis doctor has been arrested for planning to trade drugs for sex. It's illegal in St. Louis to provide drugs for sex without first getting a $15 co-pay.

Fare Hike
Transit fares in New York City are going up more than 25%. In response to the expected cash crunch, subway panhandlers are now accepting credit cards.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Body in the House
Florida police say a 61-yr-old woman has been living with the body of her dead mother for years in order to collect her Social Security checks. She's also been living with a brain dead AIG exec for six months just to collect his bonus.

Spend to Save?
At a newsconference last night, President Obama promised to reduce the deficit by borrowing another two trillion dollars. Looks like someone at the White House forgot to lay off President Bush's speechwriters.

President Obama insists we can spend more and still reduce the deficit... mostly by using identity theft.

No Times
President Obama shocked the news media last night when he did not call on any New York Times reporters during his news conference. It turns out Obama was worried they were going to ask him for spare change.

Save the Papers
Democrats in the Senate want to help save newspapers by designating them as non-profit organizations.... which is funny because that's what Senate Democrats have been trying to make the entire country for the last 40 years.

Dodd & AIG
It turns out Senator Chris Dodd's wife was a director at a company controlled by AIG. Dodd insists he doesn't remember marrying her.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Auto Deadline
GM and Chrysler have about a week before they find out if they'll get additional help from taxpayers... so they better give their top executives those outrageous bonuses now before it's too late.

AIG Givebacks
About half of the AIG executives who received those controversial bonuses are giving them back. The other half are making more donations to Chris Dodd.

Obama on TV... Again
President Obama will address the nation tonight in a prime time news conference. Most of the news conference will cover what he's been doing since he last addressed the nation on "60 Minutes" a whole two nights ago.

The Obama news conference has forced a postponement of the latest episode of "American Idol," creating a huge amount of confusion for 25 million Americans who are expected to try to phone in and vote Tim Geithner off the administration.

Spector Retrial
During Phil Spector's retrial for murder, California prosecutors told the jury that the record producer is a "dangerous man"... but not quite as dangerous as his hair stylist.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Bad Bank Plan
The government is asking private investors to buy up all the bad mortgage assets sitting on bank balance sheets. In return for that money, Congress promises to publicly bash all those private investors for making too much money, and then hit them with new taxes.

The government is asking private investors to buy up all the bad mortgage assets sitting on bank balance sheets. Plan B is to load those assets on a ship and hope they're stolen by Somali pirates.

Obama on TV
In the last few days, President Obama has appeared on "The Tonight Show" and "60 Minutes." But to avoid the really tough questions about how his budget doesn't add up, the president is refusing all requests to go on "Sesame Street."

Celibacy Argument
New York's Cardinal Edward Egan says the Church should think about allowing priests to marry. Given the state of the Church, Egan says it might be a good idea as long as long as they only marry really, really rich women.

Factory Accident
Eleven workers are dead after the ceiling of a chemical plant in China collapsed. The accident is expected to drastically delay the essential supply of poisonous chemicals needed to make Chinese dog food.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Obama Special Olympics
President Obama is in hot water over a joke he made about the Special Olympics on the "Tonight Show." Critics say it was insensitive to Tim Geithner.

Letter to Iran
President Obama has sent a letter of conciliation to Iran. The Ayatollahs are now looking forward to coming to the White House to make fun of retarded kids.

Illini Upset
The University of Illinois basketball team is in shock this morning after losing in the first round of the NCAA tournament to underdog Western Kentucky. The only good news is the players will soon be back on campus where they can resume not going to class.

Wal-Mart Bonuses
Wal-Mart is handing out $933 million worth of bonuses to every one of its hourly employees. It's encouraging news for the dozens of former AIG executives who are now working part-time at Wal-Mart.

Buick Wins
Buick is now the #1 car model for customer reliability according to the latst J.D. Power & Associates survey. It turns out the one guy in America who owns a Buick really likes it!


"Disgraced AIG Executives Forced to Watch World Baseball Classic"

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Citi Office Remodeling
Bailed-out Citigroup is going to spend $10 million to remodel some executive offices. The offices need new windows that don't open so the executives stop trying to jump out of them.

Bonus Givebacks
Several AIG executives have agreed to give back their controversial bonuses. They've all decided to go after the real easy money and run for Congress.

Emergency Delivery
NYPD officers delivered a baby during morning rush hour in the middle of Penn Station yesterday. Being born at Penn Station is just like being born at the hospital; it's dirty, crowded, and nothing really runs on time.

Death Penalty Repealed
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has repealed the death penalty in the state. That's because Richardson is facing possible jail time, and he just doesn't want to be lonely.

China Spending
A new survey shows that China's 1.3 billion consumers won't dip into their savings and buy enough products to avoid a global recession... mostly because the Chinese make most of those products and know just how crappy and poisonous they truly are.


"Animal Rights Protesters Trampled by Circus Elephants"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

AIG Clawback?
The government is working on taking away those taxpayer-funded bonuses paid out to failed AIG executives. Congress is promising to get most of the money back by forcing those executives to give them bigger campaign donations.

Anger Poll
A new poll shows that 87% of Americans are very angry about the bank bailouts. The other 13% aren't angry because they are currently robbing banks.

Pelosi Caught on Tape
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in hot water after new video captures her having a friendly talk with illegal immigrants. Pelosi insists she doesn't favor amnesty, and that she was just trying to score some Mexican botox.

Richardson Accident
Actress Natascha Richardson is reportedly brain dead after a freakish skiing accident. Luckily the story is being covered mostly by TV entertainment reporters, who really are experts on being brain dead.

Grandmother Run Over
Police in Georgia say an 8-year-old boy ran over his grandmother yesterday. This is what happens when kids find out how today's seniors are tapping out Social Security.


"Cyst on A-Rod's Hip turns out to be Syringe Fragment"

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dead Sea Claim
An Israeli scholar says the purported authors of the famed Dead Sea Scrolls never actually existed... which explains why the Scrolls were just hastily removed from Oprah's book club.

Pay Loopholes
Banking firms are looking for new ways to get around the new federal pay caps. Instead of million dollar bonuses Wall Street brokers and traders are expected to get something much more valuable, like a free parking space in Manhattan for a whole month.

Downsized Homes
The economic downturn has more Americans shifting to smaller homes. For example, Bernie Madoff just traded a 3,500 square foot penthouse for a 9 x 10 windowless studio in lower Manhattan.

Risk Management
The Obama administration says it's working quickly to regulate and reduce risk in our financial system... and it's eliminating risk in the future by making sure there's no doubt that everyone will be a financial failure.

Madoff Search
The rush is on in the courts to get at Bernie Madoff's assets. Meanwhile in jail, the rush is on to get at Bernie Madoff's ass.


"Hitler Found Alive, Demands History Channel Royalties."