Friday, September 30, 2011

Madison's Coverage
Actress Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 million... and her acting abilities for 5 bucks.

Friendly's Fold
The Friendly's restaurant chain may file for bankruptcy. It turns out serving only oversized burgers and ice cream sundaes kills profits faster than it kills people.

CEO Poll
A new poll says if he were a CEO, President Obama would be fired. Obama says he's okay with that as long as he gets the customary $100 million severance package.

Hunger Strike
4,200 California state prison inmates have been on a hunger strike since Monday. Now if they also take away their free cable TV and cell phones, they might find out what life is like for everyone in California who isn't in prison.

Chicago Dope
Despite lots and lots of spending Chicago public school reading scores are as bad as they were 20 years ago. The only group in Chicago that spends more money and gets less results are the Cubs.

September 30th

1938: The League of Nations unanimously outlaws "intentional bombings of civilian populations"... and thus, it never happens again.

1955: Film star James Dean dies in a road accident aged 24. Hundreds of women and gay men fight to have sex with his corpse.

1962: James Meredith enters the University of Mississippi, defying segregation.. and his parents, who wanted him to go to a decent college.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

September 29th

1227: Frederick II, Holy Roman Emperor, is excommunicated by Pope Gregory IX for his failure to participate in the Crusades and skipping gym class without a doctor's note.

1567: At a dinner, the Duke of Alba arrests the Count of Egmont and the Count of Hoorn for treason. No word on who picked up the check.

1960: Nikita Khrushchev, leader of Soviet Union, disrupts a meeting of the United Nations General Assembly with a number of angry outbursts... most of them about traffic in Manhattan.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

September 28th

935: Saint Wenceslas is murdered by his brother... and three dozen would-be Christmas Carolers with speech impediments.

1844: Oscar I of Sweden-Norway is crowned king of Sweden... and gets free sardines for life.

1971: The Parliament of the United Kingdom passes the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 banning the medicinal use of cannabis... and keeping it recreational like it should be.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Alimony Law
Massachusetts has eliminated lifetime alimony requirements. So, if your spouse suddenly suggests you move to Boston... hire a private investigator.

Tax Dope
A man in the crowd at an Obama town hall event in Mountain View, California yesterday actually asked the president to raise his taxes. Then he asked him to tie him up and call him a "dirty man."

California Crunch
Half of California's voters report a decline in their personal incomes. The other half supply hair and makeup services to Lady Gaga.

Racist Story?
Critics say it was racist for the AP to transcribe President Obama's speech Saturday night by using the words "cryin'," and "complainin'" in the copy. Meanwhile, several Sesame Street characters plan to protest the assault on the letter "g.".

Budget Deal
Thanks to a deal in Congress, there will be no government shutdown and there will be no need for emergency votes on the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah. That means Jewish Congressman will be able to blow the shofar and Barney Frank will be able to blow the chaffeur.

September 27th

1590: Pope Urban VII dies 13 days after being chosen as the Pope... wasting a perfectly good set of Roman numerals.

1822: Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone. World leaders immediately get him on the job of trying to figure out what the Hell women want.

1922: King Constantine I of Greece abdicates his throne in favor of his eldest son, King George II. King George immediatley makes his father clean his room.

Obama's Message
President Obama told members of the Congressional Black Caucus to "stop complaining" about his economic record. Then he told them to get out of his way so he could get back to the other room where he was holding an expensive fundraiser with some more important white folks.

Gaga Obama
Lady Gaga paid $35,800 to attend an Obama fundraiser last night. Then she paid $40,000 to meet the President of Mars.

Coliseum Scandal
Several officials at the L.A. Coliseum are accused of charging the taxpayers for thousands of dollars worth of unnecessary fillups for their cars. But the Coliseum workers say they needed the gas to help bring dozens of USC football players to and from all their court appearances.

Hikers Speak Out
The two just-freed Americans who were jailed in Tehran after hiking across the Iranian border two years ago spoke out yesterday saying they were only imprisoned because they're American... and because they're really, really stupid.

Subway Cell Service
Four underground subway stations in Manhattan will be wired for cellphone service starting today... so make sure you have the number for the city's rat control service on your speed dial.

September 26th

46 BC: Julius Caesar dedicates a temple to his mythical ancestor Venus Genetrix... but they still hit him up for the building fund every three years.

1789: Thomas Jefferson is appointed the first United States Secretary of State, John Jay is appointed the first Chief Justice of the United States, Samuel Osgood is appointed the first United States Postmaster General, and Herschel Feinberg is appointed everyone's accountant.

1984: The United Kingdom agrees to the handover of Hong Kong. In return, Hong Kong agrees to handover all the counterfeit handbags.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

September 25th

1804: The Teton Sioux demand one of the boats from the Lewis and Clark Expedition as a toll for moving further upriver. They later become known as "the IRS."

1977: About 4,200 people take part in the first running of the Chicago Marathon. At the same time, about 4,300 people take part in the effort to mug them.

2008: China launches the spacecraft Shenzhou 7. It's main purpose is to spy on and pirate everything done by Shenzhou 6.

Friday, September 23, 2011

September 24th

1789: The United States Congress passes the Judiciary Act which creates the office of the United States Attorney General, the federal judiciary system, and the People's Court.

1890: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially renounces polygamy... but unofficially tells its men to take it when they can get it.

1962: United States court of appeals orders the University of Mississippi to admit James Meredith... and get a decent passing quarterback.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Dying to Collect
A report shows that the government is paying $100 million a year in pensions to dead federal workers. Although in fairness, it should be pointed out that the dead employees are doing a lot more work than when they were alive.

Dying to Collect II
A report shows that the government is paying $100 million a year in pensions to dead federal workers. But since they are buried in the ground, the Obama administration considers them as having "green jobs."

Pakistan Denial
Pakistan is strongly denying allegations that say its aided the attack on the US embassy in Kabul last week. It didn't "aid" the attack, Pakistan carried out the attack!

Obama Office Trashed
President Obama's campaign offices in uber liberal West Los Angeles were vandalized last night. The attack came in response to rumors that Obama would not support a tax credit for watching "Glee!"

No Chrysler Union Deal
Chrysler is refusing to give the UAW the same sweetheart deal the union just got from GM. Now that Chrysler is Italian-owned, it turns out management has better mob ties than labor!

September 23rd

1642: First commencement exercises occur at Harvard College... marking the first official group of clueless snobs in America.

1932: The Kingdom of Hejaz and Nejd is renamed the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. It originally comes in high and low octane versions.

1988: José Canseco of the Oakland Athletics becomes the first member of the 40-40 club. That's 40 homers, 40 stolen bases, and 40 shots of steroids in one season.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Gates the Richest
Bill Gates made another $5 billion last year and is now worth $59 billion. With that kind of money, he could afford to run the Postal Service for a whole week!

The House failed to pass a continuing budget patch last night. The bill was too expensive for lots of Republicans and not expensive enough for the Democrats... so the only way it'll pass now is if they add in a big new pay raise for themselves.

Chicago Union Deal
A former Chicago union leader is getting a $158,000 annual pension from the city just for one day of work for the local government. Of course, he earned it since he spent that one day running the city's Cubs fan suicide hotline.

"Kids" Covered
Thanks to Obamacare, the government says about 1 million 19 to 25-year-olds now have health insurance. Also thanks to Obamacare, about 10 million 26 to 40-year-olds now live with their parents.

Bloody Sunday Payments
The British government will pay compensation to relatives of victims of the 1972 "Bloody Sunday" shootings in Northern Ireland. But those of us still suffering because of all the U2 songs about the incident will get nothing.

September 22nd

1789: The office of United States Postmaster General is established. Everyone there immediately goes on break.

1862: A preliminary version of the Emancipation Proclamation is released. This version only freed slaves who agreed never to make rap music.

1991: The Dead Sea Scrolls are made available to the public for the first time by the Huntington Library... but most people lose interest when they learn there are no nude pictures of Adam and Eve.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Busted Gov
Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was caught driving his Cadillac SUV yesterday after urging people to observe "car free week." This, after he has repeatedly been caught being incompetent during "no idiots in office" month.

No Fur
West Hollywood's city council has approved a ban on fur. Now activists on streets will have to throw fake blood at people who don't have enough Prada.

Busted Program
The government now admits that it's latest $1 billion program to help homeowners will not meet its goal of helping 30,000 homeowners avoid foreclosure. But that money will sure help about 30,000 useless federal employees get another raise this year.

Beer Buy
SABMiller is buying Australian brewer Foster's for $10 billion. That's $9 billion for the company and $1 billion for the right to kill Paul Hogan.

Poll Pain
A new poll shows 8 in 10 Americans believe the economy is getting worse. The other 2 say standing in the unemployment line is almost as fun as waiting for the new iPhone.

September 21st

1780: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point. To the French, he gives the plans to the local brothel.

1827: Joseph Smith, Jr. is reportedly visited by the angel Moroni, who gives him a set of gold plates. Luckily, all those "cash for gold" places were closed that day.

1937: J. R. R. Tolkien's The Hobbit is published... rendering every boy who reads it undateable for the next 74 years.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Travolta Robbed
Somedbody stole John Travolta's $100,000 1970 vintage Mercedes over the weekend. There's no word on if it's the same guy who convinced him to take that role in "Hairspray."

Crime Falls
The FBI says violent crime fell another 6% last year. It turns out the nation's top thugs were too busy counting their stimulus money to kill anyone.

Chavez's Gold
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez is ordering all his country's miners to sell him all their gold. It's all part of an insane competition he's having with Scrooge McDuck.

Palestinian State?
The Palestinians are expected to declare statehood at the UN this week. The new nation will be dedicated to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Blowing up Jews.

Downloading Case
A court has ruled that music fan Joel Tenenbaum owes the record companies $675,000 for illegal downloads. The music industry plans to use the money to throw itself a lavish funeral.

September 20th

1519: Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda with about 270 men... and three VERY nervous sheep.

1854: British and French troops defeat Russians in the Crimea... leading to the new term for losers "Crimea River."

1982: The National Football League players begin a 57-day strike. The business for DWI defense attorneys falls apart.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Obama Plan
President Obama will reveal a new budget plan today that relies on taxing the rich more. But it's not clear how the plan will work after all the millionaires move to the Cayman Islands.

Fundraiser Tonight
Just hours after announcing his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires, President Obama will attend a $35,800-per person fundraiser in New York. Of course, these are the same super rich people who pay a lot more to be whipped and beaten on a regular basis.

DSK Guilt
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing"... not because he had sex with a chamber maid in a Manhattan, but because he stole six towels from the hotel.

UAW Wins
GM has signed a new deal with the UAW that gives every union members a $5,000 bonus.... and most UAW workers plan to use that money for a down payment on a new Toyota.

UBS Rogue
UBS now says it lost $2.3 billion because of the "rogue trader" in its London office. Now the bank is working hard on finding a way to blame him for the other $3 billion it lost this year.

September 19th

1961: Betty and Barney Hill claim that they saw a mysterious craft in the sky and that it tried to abduct them... but they fended them off with batch of Betty's week-old meatloaf.

1995: The Washington Post and The New York Times publish the Unabomber's manifesto... and it turns out to be less Anti-American than their regular editorials.

2006: The Thai military stages a coup in Bangkok. The Constitution is revoked, martial law is declared, and nobody gets dessert.