Monday, September 26, 2011

Obama's Message
President Obama told members of the Congressional Black Caucus to "stop complaining" about his economic record. Then he told them to get out of his way so he could get back to the other room where he was holding an expensive fundraiser with some more important white folks.

Gaga Obama
Lady Gaga paid $35,800 to attend an Obama fundraiser last night. Then she paid $40,000 to meet the President of Mars.

Coliseum Scandal
Several officials at the L.A. Coliseum are accused of charging the taxpayers for thousands of dollars worth of unnecessary fillups for their cars. But the Coliseum workers say they needed the gas to help bring dozens of USC football players to and from all their court appearances.

Hikers Speak Out
The two just-freed Americans who were jailed in Tehran after hiking across the Iranian border two years ago spoke out yesterday saying they were only imprisoned because they're American... and because they're really, really stupid.

Subway Cell Service
Four underground subway stations in Manhattan will be wired for cellphone service starting today... so make sure you have the number for the city's rat control service on your speed dial.

September 26th

46 BC: Julius Caesar dedicates a temple to his mythical ancestor Venus Genetrix... but they still hit him up for the building fund every three years.

1789: Thomas Jefferson is appointed the first United States Secretary of State, John Jay is appointed the first Chief Justice of the United States, Samuel Osgood is appointed the first United States Postmaster General, and Herschel Feinberg is appointed everyone's accountant.

1984: The United Kingdom agrees to the handover of Hong Kong. In return, Hong Kong agrees to handover all the counterfeit handbags.


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