Saturday, July 31, 2010

Lohan Released
Lindsay Lohan has just been released from jail. Shares of heroin are up 537% in the pre-market.

Bieber Book
16-year-old singing idol Justin Bieber is publishing his memoirs. It will be the first autobiography to use the pop-up format.

Economic Fix
The Democrats have a new plan to help Americans dealing with foreclosure... it includes moving millions of them into Charlie Rangel's illegal rent controlled apartments in Manhattan.

UAW Threat
The UAW says it is asking non-union auto companies to ensure fair work practices. Apparently, all those hard-working guys at Honda and Hyundai are ruining the curve.

China Economy
China's July manufacturing data were the weakest in more than a year as the government clamped down on real estate speculation, energy-inefficient factories, and kidney trafficking.

August 2nd

1610: Henry Hudson sails into what it is now known as Hudson Bay, and becomes the last person ever to easily find decent parking anywhere near Manhattan.

1937: The Marijuana Tax Act of 1937 is passed in America, essentially rendering marijuana illegal… and forever harshing on everyone’s mellow.

1990: Iraq invades Kuwait, rendering the world victim to 20 years of deadly reporting from Wolf Blitzer.

August 1st

1492: Ferdinand II of Aragon and Isabella I of Castile drive the Jews out of Spain, despite the fact that they received 78% of the Jewish vote in the 1490 royal elections.

1957: The United States and Canada form the North American Air Defense Command (NORAD). The U.S. pilots patrol for Soviet invaders, the Canadian pilots make sure the puck doesn’t cross the blue line.

2001: Bulgaria, Cyprus, Latvia, Malta, Slovenia and Slovakia join the European Environment Agency… and promptly agree to dump all their trash in Albania.

July 31st

30 BC: Mark Antony achieves a victory over Octavian's forces in the Battle of Alexandria, but most of his army subsequently deserts because of a series of anti-war plays staged by drug addict actors back in Rome.

1938: Archaeologists discover engraved gold and silver plates from King Darius in Persepolis. They also discover the people who gave the plates to Darius as a wedding gift never got a thank you note.

1971: Apollo 15 astronauts become the first to ride in a lunar rover. But they give it up after a few hours when they are unable to cruise any chicks.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Rangel Charges
New York Congressman Charlie Rangel has been charged with 13 ethics violations for tax cheating, accepting illegal gifts, and defrauding the Slim Fast diet plan.

Textbook Deals
A new law will allow college students to shop around for deals on textbooks. Schools will be required to post prices for cheaper used books, ever less expensive older editions, and the highly-priced books that have never been used by everyone on the Florida State football team.

Obama to Detroit
President Obama goes to Detroit today to proclaim the $85 billion auto bailout a success. He'll be joined by the three Americans who have bought an American car since January.

Spanish Unemployment
Spain's jobless rate has hit 20.9%... making it much harder for the other 79.1% of Spanish people to keep pretending that they're working.

Clinton Rehearsal
The rehearsal dinner for Chelsea Clinton's wedding is this evening. It's a very exclusive event, but the rest of America can have the same experience tonight by going to see the new movie "Dinner for Schmucks."

July 30th

1733: The first Masonic Grand Lodge in America is founded in Massachusetts. It remains as the best excuse in all of America for men to avoid their wives one night a week.

1965: President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Social Security Act of 1965 into law, establishing Medicare and guaranteeing that all doctors’ offices are jammed with annoying old people for the next five decades.

2003: The last 'old style' Volkswagen Beetle rolls off the assembly line. It is now the home of a family of 6 in Guadalajara.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Obama Doesn't Know Snooki
President Obama says he has no idea who Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is. His popularity among conservative Republicans has just shot up 437%.

New Kindle
Amazon is introducing it's new Kindle that includes a new battery, wifi, and a map of the nearest place where the owner can eventually buy an iPad.

Chevy Volt Price
Chevy is selling its new electric car for $41,000. That's $1,000 for the car and $40,000 for the UAW campaign finance fund.

College Drinking Report
A new report shows that U.S. colleges aren't doing enough to limit student drinking... and the ones that are doing enough are only doing that by offering the freshmen free bongs.

Immigration Law Nixed
A federal judge has outraged millions of Americans by striking down most of Arizona's tough new illegal immigration law. But the ruling is delighting millions of American men who now have another excuse to watch the Spanish language news shows with the hot anchors in low-cut tops.

July 29th

1565: The widowed Mary, Queen of Scots, marries Henry Stuart at Holyrood Palace. Queen Elizabeth attends the reception and has the ice sculptures beheaded.

1830: Charles X of France abdicates… assuring him an honored place in a long line of French leaders who quit and ran away.

1921: Adolf Hitler becomes leader of the Nazi Party, narrowly beating out the Joker, the Riddler and Lex Luthor.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Boy Scout Snub
President Obama has turned down an invitation to speak at the Boy Scouts' 100th anniversary Jamboree so he can be a guest on "The View"... and earn his merit badge for animal grooming.

Good News in the Gulf
The BP oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is dissolving faster than anyone expected. But the toxic waste is growing in the Atlantic because of the premiere of season two of "Jersey Shore."

Cigarette Sales Down
Sales tax revenues from cigarettes have plummeted in California... mostly because everyone in California has switched to pot.

Twin Fundraisers Tonight
President Obama is heading to Manhattan today to attend two Democratic fundraisers. One is for Democratic Congressional candidates, and the other is to help the Clintons pay for Chelsea's wedding.

Tax Hike
A new report shows that married couples with children will be forced to pay thousands more dollars in taxes next year. In light of this news, Mel Gibson is claiming he compassionately beat up his girlfriend to save her money.

July 28th

1973: 600,000 people attend a rock festival at the Watkins Glen International Raceway… most of whom are there to beat up hippies.

1996: Kennewick Man, the remains of a prehistoric man, is discovered near Kennewick, Washington. His body is only in slightly worse condition than most living men in Kennewick.

2005: The Provisional Irish Republican Army calls an end to its thirty year long armed campaign in Northern Ireland and redirects its efforts towards the much more important cause of getting Bono to shut the Hell up.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

New BP Chief
Bob Dudley will replace Tony Hayward as CEO of BP. The BP board chose Dudley mostly because he's very good at bending over.

Clinton Wedding Primetime
Chelsea Clinton's wedding this weekend will cost an estimated $3 million. That's $2 million for all the food and decorations, and $1 million to dry clean Bill's pants 10-15 times during the afternoon.

Apple Jailbreakers
Apple now says it won't sue iPhone users who get service from companies other than AT&T... which would be a big story if any iPhone users were actually getting any service from AT&T.

Spanish Tea Parties
Hundreds of Spanish-speaking residents of Bell, California are loudly protesting the outrageous salaries for their city officials. The Democratic Party and the NAACP are now in emergency sessions to figure out why non-white people don't like getting ripped off either.

Online Gambling Rules
Congress is close to legalizing online gambling. The Senators are hoping to keep teenage boys indoors 24 hours a day so they can date all the high school girls themselves.

July 27th

1549: Jesuit priest Francis Xavier's ship reaches Japan. Where he immediately works to set up an urban university with a decent football team.

1663: The English Parliament passes the second Navigation Act requiring that all goods bound for the American colonies have to be sent in English ships from English ports… guaranteeing that no one in America gets edible food for decades.

1974: The House Judiciary Committee votes 27 to 11 to recommend the impeachment of President Richard Nixon… and 29-9 to have all interns wear miniskirts for the rest of the summer.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Hayward Out
BP CEO Tony Hayward is expected to be ousted later today. But he will get $18 million in severance, pension payments, and haircare products.

Clinton Wedding Preps
The Secret Service is imposing heavy security for Chelsea Clinton's wedding this weekend in upstate New York. But most of the security is needed to keep Bill Clinton away from the bridesmaids.

Walmart Tracking System
Walmart is now putting electronic tracking tags on men's jeans. Experts consider this a waste, since we know most of the men buying those jeans are headed straight to Arby's anyway.

New Pens
Paper Mate is now selling biodegradable pens for kids. This is the best news for elementary school students since Elmer's began making chocolate-flavored paste.

Biblically Frugal
A new study shows that Americans who spend several hours a week studying the Bible are less likely to be in debt... mostly because they're so busy trying to figure out what a tithe is, they have no time to spend any money.

July 26th

811: Byzantine Emperor Nicephorus I is slain, his heir Stauracius is seriously wounded, and his chariot is towed for being double-parked.

1891: France annexes Tahiti… mostly as an excuse to look at topless chicks.

1914: Serbia and Bulgaria interrupt their diplomatic relationship and just get right down to heavy making out.

July 25th

306: Constantine I is proclaimed Roman emperor by his troops, but before he can accept he has to ask his wife first.

1593: Henry IV of France publicly converts from Protestantism to Roman Catholicism… mostly to get Notre Dame football season tickets.

1925: Telegraph Agency of the Soviet Union (TASS) is established. It is now known as “MSNBC.”

Saturday, July 24, 2010

July 24th

1823: Slavery is abolished in Chile. No one has actually worked in that country since.

1701: Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac founds the city of Detroit. Today it remains a wildlide preserve and shooting range, as Cadillac originally intended

2002: Democrat James Traficant is expelled from the United States House of Representatives on a vote of 420 to 1… his toupee being the only opposing vote.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Geithner for Tax Hikes
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner says he's in favor of letting the Bush tax cuts expire for the rich Americans... that's all three of the people in America who are still rich.

Senate Strips Out Pork
The Senate has rejected adding a $10 billion teachers bailout into the war funding bill... but Congress is urging the soldiers to steal the teachers some better math students while they're in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Ford Profits
Ford says it earned $2.6 billion in the quarter, mostly by renting cars to people with GM cars in the shop.

Feinberg's Conclusion
Pay Czar Ken Feinberg says it was a "bad idea" to pay top Wall Street exectuives more than a $1 billion in bonuses in 2008. No word if he thinks it was a bad idea for taxpayers to pay him $1 million to tell us the bonuses were a bad idea.

Darth Vader Robber
A man dressed as Darth Vader robbed a New York bank yesterday... this is what happens when people can't afford a plane ticket to Comic Con.

July 23rd

1829: In the William Austin Burt patents the Typographer, a precursor to the typewriter… and the iPad.

1982: The International Whaling Commission decides to end commercial whaling by 1985-86, or the release of Star Trek IV, whichever comes first.

1984: Vanessa Williams becomes the first Miss America to resign when she surrenders her crown after nude photos of her appeared in Penthouse magazine. Now the best way to become Miss America is to first pose nude in Penthouse Magazine.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Blago Goes Silent
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has decided not to testify in his own defense at his corruption trial. It turns out getting on the stand for a few hours would really cut into his hair care schedule.

Unemployment Benefits Extended
Congress has voted to extend unemployment benefits for more than two years. Usually the only people who get paid not to work for that long are Members of Congress.

Unemployment Scam
A New York City parking garage company used its employees names to illegally cash $95,000 worth of unemployment checks. You know the economy is bad when companies can't get by even when they charge you $100 to park your car for a half hour.

Real Estate Rebound
California's housing market is recovering much faster than the rest of the country... mostly because people feel more comfortable buying homes in that state now that Lindsay Lohan is in jail.

Comic Con Begins
Comic Con starts in San Diego today. Usually the only place where you can find a bunch of nerds pretending to be superheroes is the White House.

July 22nd

838: Byzantine emperor Theophilos suffers a heavy defeat by the Abbasids, forcing him to fire their head coach and defensive coordinator.

1587: A second group of English settlers arrive on Roanoke Island off North Carolina to re-establish the deserted colony and take advantage of a dynamite foreclosure market.

1933: Wiley Post becomes the first person to fly solo around the world traveling 15,596 miles in 7 days, 18 hours and 45 minutes. His plane, and his bladder, are now on display at the National Air and Space Museum.