Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Big Mac Attack
McDonald's is considering dropping health care insurance coverage for its employees. But it promises to remain the number one reason why people in American NEED health care insurance.

Going Postal
The U.S. Postal Service is about to go broke. One solution is make huge changes like delivering the mail on time.

Housing Mess
Because of accounting errots, JP Morgan Chase is suspending foreclosures... but it will continue to foreclose on suspenders.

Trade War?
Congress has voted overwhelmingly to punish China for its currency devaluation... and for the last 16 Jackie Chan movies.

Chinese Charity
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are in China to convince billionaires there to give money to charity... other than the charity they give when they buy U.S. bonds, that is.

September 30th

1901: Hubert Cecil Booth patents the vacuum cleaner… mostly for his own, personal erotic use.

1938: The League of Nations unanimously outlaws "intentional bombings of civilian populations". And thus, it has never happened again.

1962: James Meredith enters the University of Mississippi, and realizes all his efforts to defy segregation would have been better used trying to get into a real college.

Amtrak High Speed "Vision"
Today, Amtrak will unveil its 30-year plan for high-speed rail along the East Coast. Right now on Amtrak, it takes 30 years to get from Philadelphia to Newark

Union Takeover
The AFL CIO's President says it's time for unions to take over public companies... just as soon as they get off their lunch break.

BP Safety
The good news is BP is creating a new safety division. The bad news is it's headed by Lindsay Lohan.

AIG Deal?
There is reportedly a deal in the works to dramatically cut the government's stake in AIG... just as soon as we can find enough drunken sailors to buy the stock.

Attack Stopped
Paris police say the city has thwarted a massive al Qaeda attack. The terrorists were apparently ready to bomb several targets, but after living in Europe for several months they all refused to work more than three hours a day.

September 29th

1227: Frederick II, Holy Roman Emperor, is excommunicated by Pope Gregory IX for his failure to participate in the Crusades and the Vatican fantasy football league.

1960: Nikita Khrushchev, leader of Soviet Union, disrupts a meeting of the United Nations General Assembly with a number of angry outbursts… mostly because they would not validate parking.

1962: Alouette 1, the first Canadian satellite, is launched… it is immediately sent to the penalty box.

Monday, September 27, 2010

IRS Cuts Costs
The IRS is no longer going to send out tax forms in the mail. Mostly because no one in America is making any money anyway.

9/11 Slur
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says the 9/11 attacks were an inside job. The good news is that Mayor Bloomberg now realizes that with guys like Ahmadinejad around to insult the 9/11 victims, who needs a Ground Zero mosque?

Fired Auto Workers
13 of those Chrysler workers who were caught by TV news crews smoking pot and boozing on the job were fired yesterday afternoon. Luckily it's an election year, so the UAW will soon be hire them to beat up people at the polls.

NYC Teacher Tenure
New York City is making it harder for public school teachers to get tenure... meaning the only real reason to continue teaching in the city is dating your 14-year-old students.

Obama Interview
Rolling Stone Magazine is getting an exclusive interview with President Obama. From now on, the White House will only grant interviews to publications that cater to the stoned.

September 28th

935: Saint Wenceslas is murdered by his brother, Boleslaus I of Bohemia... who always preferred to sing about Frosty the Snowman at Christmastime.

1928: Sir Alexander Fleming discovers penicillin... making him the patron saint of hookers.

1971: The British Parliament bans the medicinal use of cannabis, and in so doing ruins the Rolling Stones, the Who, and 16 other British rock bands.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

September 27th

1590: Pope Urban VII dies 13 days after being chosen as the Pope. Cardinal Frankie “the Fisher” Franconi is held without bail in the case.

1822: Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone… and concludes that it’s all ancient porn.

2002: East Timor joins the United Nations in the hopes of getting a decent parking space for the samosa cart it owns on East 47th and Lex.

September 26th

1777: British troops begin a strict and brutal occupation of Philadelphia. Many of their descendants remain deployed today as security guards at Eagles games.

1820: Colonel Robert Gibbon Johnson proved tomatoes weren't poisonous by eating several on the steps of the courthouse in Salem, New Jersey. He did later die of pesticide poisoning.

1984: The United Kingdom agrees to the handover of Hong Kong. In return the UK gets a lifetime supply of counterfeit Rolex watches.

September 25th

1513: Spanish explorer Vasco Núñez de Balboa reaches what would become known as the Pacific Ocean. In his day it was known as “that big drowning thing.”

1789: The U.S. Congress passes the Bill of Rights. It takes Muslims the next 231 years to figure out how to use it to build an inappropriate mosque at Ground Zero.

1912: Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism is founded as a place to put New York Times editors after they become too pompous to continue working even there.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

UAW Statement
The UAW says it does not condone the actions of the Chrysler workers caught drinking and getting stoned at work. But it does help when the union tells all its members to vote Democrat.

DHS Waste
The Department of Homeland Security has wasted $500 million on two failed programs to detect nuclear material crossing into the U.S. It turns out the high-tech systems do work, but the Obama administration is calling them racist.

Home Health Care Scandal
Hundreds of people with rape, elder abuse and other felony convictions are getting paid by the state of California to care for the sick and elderly... they all work in a place called "the State Legislature."

It's Always Sleazy in Philadelphia
The Philly housing authority chief has been fired for using federal money to pay his legal fees to fight sexual harassment charges. But he is getting a new job as Bill Clinton's personal assistant.

Bad Science
A new report says America's science education is so bad, it threatens our economic future. Luckily, our economic education is worse... so no one here is likely to notice.

September 24th

1890: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially renounces polygamy in an edict officially known as “The Buzz Kill Proclaimation.”

1957: President Dwight D. Eisenhower sends 101st Airborne Division troops to Little Rock, Arkansas school district to enforce desegregation, and to investigate Billy Smith’s claims that his dog ate his homework.

1962: United States court of appeals orders the University of Mississippi to admit James Meredith… and admit that it has a terrible offensive line.

California Green Law
California is about to require all state agencies to get at least 33% of their power from renewable energy by 2020. This means the LAPD is going to need at least 10 wind-powered patrol cars to chase Lindsay Lohan alone.

Obama UN
President Obama addresses the UN General Assembly today... the White House is calling it a stimulus for the New York traffic cops.

Caught on Tape
Several UAW workers at Chrysler have been caught on video smoking pot and drinking during a work break. That makes them only half as stoned as the government officials who decided to bailout Chrysler.

Walmart Cries Foul
Walmart says it's not the unions and the environmentalists who are bankrolling the lawsuits against the discount chain. That makes sense, the people funding the anti-Walmart campaign are probably just people with taste.

Blockbuster is filing for Bankruptcy... just as soon as it finishes rewinding all its VHS tapes.

September 23rd

1845: The Knickerbockers Baseball Club, the first baseball team to play under the modern rules, is founded in New York. But it’s not until 1846 that team members start grabbing their crotches in public.

1922: The Hughes-Peynado agreement is signed, ending the occupation of Dominican Republic by the United States. The Dominican Republic immediately begins occupying Washington Heights.

1988: Baseball’s José Canseco becomes the first member of the 40-40 club… That’s 40 homers and 40 injections of steroids in one season.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Invisible Ink
New revelations show the British Army used semen as invisible ink during World War I. It worked well until they realized all the messages' pages were sticking together.

Hilton Banned
Paris Hilton has been barred from entering Japan because of her drug charges. As a result, 50 million Americans have just applied for Japanese citizenship.

Summers Leaving
White House economic adviser Larry Summers is leaving the administration to go back to Havard. Summers learned that he had to return to the school within 2 years to keep his pension, even though the self-important snobbery of being on the Harvard faculty never expires.

Emanuel on the Way
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is also expected to leave the administration to run for Mayor of Chicago… because being on the Obama team just isn’t corrupt enough for him.

Bell Receivership
The LA Board of Supervisors is seeking to take over the town of Bell and put it in the hands of a court-appointed receiver… but the only receiver in court right now is Braylon Edwards.

September 22nd

66: Emperor Nero creates the Legion I Italica… a military unit made up entirely of soldiers stooped over to look like italics.

1692: Last people hanged for witchcraft in the United States. Today we just send them to Marilyn Manson concerts.

1975: Sara Jane Moore tries to assassinate President Gerald Ford, but she can’t get a clean shot off as Ford keeps slipping and falling down.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Unions for Pot
The massive SEIU union is now backing the push to legalize marijuana in California. The union wants to make sure its workers have something to do on their breaks when they run out of coffee.

Caffeine Defense
A Kentucky man who strangled his wife says he killed her because he became crazed after drinking too much coffee... that's opposed to most other people in America who become homicidal when they DON'T have their coffee.

Hurd Case Settled
Oracle and HP have settled their dispute over Oracle's decision to hire Mark Hurd. HP has agreed to drop its lawsuit against against Hurd, and Hurd has agreed to teach the rest of the HP board how to pick up chicks.

Stimulus Blockade
A new report shows that Detroit couldn't create many jobs with federal stimulus money because of the city's many enviromental laws. Wait, Detroit has an environment?

Broncos WR Dies
The NFL is mourning the passing of Denver Broncos wide receiver Kenny McKinley. League officials promise to investigate the death, just as soon as everyone gets a chance to adjust their fantasy team rosters.

September 21st

1780: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point. Arnold decides to betray America after seeing several anti-war plays starring Jane Fonda’s great-great-grandmother.

1937: J. R. R. Tolkien's The Hobbit is published… helping to identify geeks well before Star Trek made it really easy.

2003: The Galileo mission is terminated by sending the probe into Jupiter's atmosphere, where it is crushed by lower altitudes and increased peer pressure from all the cooler satellites.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Teamsters and Pot Growers
The Teamsters are now organizing California’s medical marijuana growers. Because driving a truck and getting stoned are perfect together.

Medicare Fraud Crackdown
The federal government can no longer afford any more Medicare fraud. Now all elderly patients in doctors offices will be required to give a blood sample, a urine sample, and a set of fingerprints.

Walmart Solar
Walmart is officially announcing that it will use solar power at hundreds of its stores within three years. Hollywood is responding by officially announcing that going green is no longer cool.

Vikings Lose
The Minnesota Vikings are now 0-2 on the season. They lost yesterday after Brett Favre retired and unretired 16 times in the second half.

Woody Likes the GZM
Woody Allen says he supports building the Ground Zero Mosque... mostly because he heard mosques are a great place to arrange marriages to 14-year-old girls.

September 20th

1519: Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from with about 270 men on his expedition to circumnavigate the globe…. But with 270 men on board, the trip just ends at Fire Island.

1633: Galileo Galilei is tried before the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith for teaching that the Earth orbits the Sun, and assigning astronomy homework on a holiday weekend.

1962: James Meredith, an African-American, is temporarily barred from entering the University of Mississippi… as are all other Mississippians who insist on wearing shoes.