Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Fed Rate Cut
The Federal Reserve has decided to reduce interest rates by another quarter point. This is expected to spur employment, reduce mortgage bills, and increase the number of credit card offers you get in the mail by 511%.

Kid Blamed
California police say a pre-teen boy playing with matches was responsible for a huge California wildfire that destroyed 38,000 acres and 21 homes last week... and they're blaming his 5-year-old sister for leaving the border fence open and allowing millions of illegal immigrants into the country.

Palestinian Threat
Fatah President Mahmoud Abbas says Palestinians will start committing violent attacks if current peace talks with Israel fail. The big question is: how will anyone notice the difference?

Elderly Problems
A new study says that almost 15% of people over 70 suffer from dimentia, but that percentage rises dramatically for people over 70 who also happen to be members of the U.S. Senate.

Elderly Problems II
A new study says that almost 15% of people over 70 suffer from dimentia... which explains how most of them can drive for hours with the left turn signal blinking.

Kids Today
A new study shows that young teens are rarely dating and attending events like school dances much less often. This is because most of them are sleeping with their teachers.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Scotus Kiddie Porn
The good news is the Supreme Court will take up a First Amendment test of Congress' ability to tackle child pornography in the digital age. The bad news is that Justices Thomas and Souter immediately have to recuse themselves from the case.

Space Walk
Astronauts have embarked on a high-stakes spacewalk to install a solar power tower on the international space station. If they fail, NASA will have their biggest ever oil heating bills this winter.

O'Neal Package
Ousted Merrill Lynch CEO Stanley O'Neal is getting a $160 million "retirement" package. Just to show how smart he is, O'Neal is not investing any of that money with Merrill Lynch

Monday, October 29, 2007

Olmert Cancer
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert announced Monday that he has prostate cancer but that the disease is not life threatening and he will continue to perform his duties... which for most Israelis is life threatening.

A-Rod Opts Out
Alex Rodriguez is opting out of his $25 million per year contract with the Yankees to test the free agent market.... both in baseball and in marriage.

Weak Dollar, Strong Profits
The ever-weakening dollar is helping some U.S. companies, like Colgate, make more profits overseas. You know the dollar is really weak when toothpaste becomes cheap enough for Europeans to buy it.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Giants beat the Dolphins Sunday in the first-ever regular season NFL game played in London. The local fans quickly got behind the players; forming a bond with them when they saw they needed the same amount of dental work.

The final score of the game was 13-10... sparking riots in the streets as the British soccer hooligans refused to accept such a high-scoring game.

Gaza Power Cut Off
Israel is starting to cut off the power supply to Gaza in response to two years of Hamas rocket attacks from that region. Hamas is responding by trying to figure out how to make a bomb out of ethanol.

Haiti Storm
A powerful tropical storm is headed straight for Haiti... for its sake, let's hope the storm is wearing a condom.

Royal Blackmail
Two men have been charged with trying to blackmail an unnamed member of the royal family after they obtained an illicit sex tape. At this time all we know is that the tape was not of Charles and Camilla, because in that case even the British tabloids would have paid NOT to see it.

Merrill CEO Out?
After losing almost $8 billion in the subprime mortgage mess, the CEO of Merrill Lynch is reportedly stepping down. With that kind of track record, he finally realized he really should be working in Congress.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Iran Sanctions
The U.S. is imposing tougher sanctions on Iran in light of its continuing attempts to build nuclear weapons. The sanctions will cut Iran off from all U.S. money, commodities, and Member's Only jackets.

Britney's New Album
Britney Spears' new album has just been released. It's titled "Blackout,"... or as Keven Federline calls it, "Alimony."

Rudy Hit?
A former mobster says the nation's leading crime families almost decided to put a hit on Rudy Giuliani back in 1987... something that would have ended the careers of most of New York City's divorce lawyers before they even started.

Merrill Moving?
Merrill Lynch is expected to move out of its downtown offices in favor of Midtown Manhattan... mostly because it can no longer afford its subprime mortgage payments.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Wildfires Latest
Thousands of evacuees in the San Diego area are being sent to Qualcomm Stadium... because that idea worked so well when they sent people to the Super Dome during Katrina.

The evacuee center set up at Qualcomm Stadium will force the San Diego Chargers to play this Sunday's game on the road. Oh Lord, when will the devastation end!

War Costs
A new study says the cost of the war in Iraq will be about $2.4 trillion... but that's not including tip.

Dolans Stuffed
Cablevision shareholders have rejected the Dolan family's move to take the company private. Investors realized that no matter how private the company becomes, there's still no way to hide the Knicks from the general public.

China Launch
China launched its first lunar probe into space today, hoping the lunar surface will yield a new source of poisonous lead paint.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Half a million people in Southern California have been forced to evacuate because of the wildfires. Thankfully, the news media is doing everything possible to cover these fires and how they affect Britney Spears.

Rudy for the Sox
Super Yankee fan Rudy Giuliani says he's rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series. And if he can do that, why can't Pro-Life Republicans vote for him in the South Carolina primary?

Countrywide Deal
Countrywide Financial has decided to refinance $16 billion in adjustable-rate mortgages that many of their borrowers can no longer afford. Countrywide made the decision to help its customers after it realized it could really only repossess mobile homes.

Monday, October 22, 2007

DEA Chief Quits
The head of the DEA is leaving her job to become a senior VP at Motorola... a logical move since most drug deals are conducted on Motorola phones and pagers.

iPod Growth
iPods now make up 70% of the digital music market... the other 30% have devices they accidentally picked up while thinking they were shoplifting an iPod.

Turkey Invasion?
The United States is doing everything it can to stop Turkey from invading northern Iraq. That's right, it's not like we need anyone's help over there.

College Costs
The average cost of a year's tuition at a private U.S. college is now more than $32,000. Well, someone has to pay for security for all the crazed dictators the faculty invites to speak on campus.

New Osama Tape
In a new audio tape, Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden calls for Iraqi insurgents to unite and avoid "extremism." Just how crazy do you have to be for Osama bin Laden to become the voice of moderation?

Torre Replacement
The Yankees are searching for a replacement for Joe Torre. The leading candidates are Don Mattingly, Joe Girardi, and the last three guys they admitted to the 5th floor at Bellevue.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Tween Birth Control
A middle school in Portland, Maine is now offering its students free birth control pills... they come in a variety of flavors, including raspberry, strawberry and lemon.

Britney Loses
Britney Spears' visitation rights with her children were suspended Thursday until she complies with court orders. So the only way to truly avoid having to see Britney Spears in America is to be one of her children.

Nobel Bigot
Dr. James Watson, winner of the 1962 Nobel Prize for Medicine, is under fire after he claimed black people are less intelligent than whites. The Nobel committee is especially embarrassed, since it usually only awards racists the Nobel Peace Prize.

Oil Surges
Oil prices extended a record rally to more than $89 a barrel on Thursday. But that and the current housing slump has boosted the net worth of millions of Americans who are now living in their car.

Hastert's Early Exit
Former House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert will resign before his term ends 15 months from now, ending a 21-year career in Congress. Insiders say Hastert is eager to leave office before the $5 grand slam breakfast deal expires at Denny's

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Smuggling Ring
18 airline workers were charged Tuesday with helping drug traffickers smuggle heroin and cocaine through John F. Kennedy International Airport, making those dope dealers the only people who can actually get through JFK Airport at all.

Oil Record
Oil prices hit a new high today. Crude is getting so valuable, terrorists are now planning to rob oil rigs instead of blowing them up.

Paulson's Warning
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson says the housing crisis presents a significant risk to the U.S. economy... not as significant a risk as Internet porn, but still pretty serious.

Putin in Iran
Russian leader Vladimir Putin visited Iran today and said he believes the Iranian nuclear program is for peaceful purposes. Putin also said he believes in the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and the Great Pumpkin.

U.S. Honors Lama
China is expressing its outrage over the U.S. government's decision to honor the Dalai Lama.... not so much because of political reasons, but because this might revive Richard Gere's career.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Peace Talks
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says the time for a Palestinian state is now... because if there's one thing the Arab people need, it's another Islamic dictatorship with no economy, resources, or sanity.

Israeli and Palestinian negotiators are involved in the most serious peace effort in "many, many years." It's so serious, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has pledged not to buy another $3,000 suit with his starving peoples' money until a deal is on the table.

Ad Spending
Spending on political TV ads will exceed $3 billion this presidential election. Well, I'm for anything that gets that "Head On" commercial off the air.

Nobel Prize Winners
Americans Leonid Hurwicz, Eric Maskin and Roger Myerson won the Nobel prize in economics on Monday for developing a theory that helps explain how incentives and private information affect business transactions. Accordingly, the three winners plan to spend the $1.5 million in prize money on the secret 2-for-1 drinks deal at TGI Friday's.

AOL Layoffs
AOL announced today that it is cutting its global work force by an additional 2,000 jobs as it continues a transition from the world's leading Internet access provider to the world's leading provider of emails about penis enlargement.

Big Breakfast
Hardee's is now offering a 920-calorie breakfast burrito. It's targeted at the growing segment of the American public that wants to be dead before lunch.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Deficit Shrinks
The Bush administration reported that the federal budget deficit fell to $162.8 billion this year, the lowest amount of red ink since 2002. So, we should be okay to start another war.

Medications Pulled
Over-the-counter infant cough and cold medicines are getting pulled from shelves all over the country for fear that they could be misused by parents... and college freshman who can't find enough NyQuil to get sloshed.

Chrysler Strike Ends
Yesterday's strike against Chrysler lasted six hours, or about as long as it takes for the average Chrysler to go from 0 to 60.

Gore Nobel?
Al Gore is considered a favorite to win this year's Nobel Peace Prize, mostly for his environmental work, but also because he finally got his son off the streets.