Friday, May 30, 2008

Isolated Tribe
Researchers have found an uncontacted tribe of Indians in the Amazon forest. The world wants to know: what language do these people speak? How have they survived in such an isolated place? And do they have any oil?

In the first few hours after the tribe is first contacted, the people will be given food, medicine, and put on the mailing lists for free credit card offers.

Crowded Transit
High gas prices are pushing more people onto buses and subways, straining transit agencies, infrastructure, and the nation's supplies of deodorant.

Tyler in Rehab
Aerosmith star Steven Tyler says he has checked into a rehab facility in search of a "safe environment" to recover from foot problems. So apparently it's his foot that's addicted to heroin and cocaine.

Aerosmith star Steven Tyler says he has checked into a rehab facility in search of a "safe environment" to recover from foot injuries... because everyone knows just how much peer pressure there is out on the road to take serious risks with your feet.

Spears Not Fit
A California judge has ruled that Britney Spears is not yet mentally fit enough to appear in court for her probate case... to which her attorney has responded, "Hey she's never been mentally fit enough to record an album either, but that's never stopped her!"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

New York Gay Marriage
New York state has decided to recognize gay marriages, as long as they are performed elsewhere. The policy will simultaneously boost the state tax revenue while also cutting its exposure to tacky centerpieces and gawdy ice sculptures.

Olmert Bribe?
A New York businessman has admitted to giving Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert $150,000 in cash. It's the most money any New Yorker has ever given an Israeli without at least getting some pirated electronic equipment or a cell phone in return.

Syria says that Olmert's scandal is making peace talks with Israel difficult... not as difficult as the fact that the Syrians are killing thousands of innocent people a day... but it's a problem.

Mentally Impaired
Studies show that the number of accused criminals who have been declared mentally incompetent is rising in 10 of the nation's 12 largest states. But the number of lawyers who have been found morally incompetent is rising in all 50 states.

Ellen's Jokes
Ellen DeGeneres continues to make fun of President Bush and John McCain for their opposition to gay marriage. This is apparently her way of trying to forget that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton oppose it too.

Stone Apologizes
Sharon Stone says she is "deeply sorry" for saying that the Chinese earthquake may have been Karma for its government's treatment of Tibet. No word yet on whether Stone is deeply sorry for "Casino", "The Muse," or "Basic Instinct 2."

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Stone Banned
In response to Sharon Stone saying the recent Sichuan earthquake was "Karma" for China's treatment of Tibet, Beijing is banning her movies in all theaters... thus joining Hollywood's banning of Sharon Stone which began about 10 year ago.

Bibles Burned?
Police in Israel are investigating the burning of hundreds of New Testaments by Jews in a city near Tel Aviv. The incident is giving the world news media a great opportunity to ignore reports of Arab terrorists burning Christians in Gaza.

McClellan's Book
Former White House spokesman Scott McClellan says he now believes President Bush's aides lied to him about the war in Iraq. But he's really upset about how they lied to him when they said he didn't look fat in that suit.

Merger Talks Fail
Merger talks between United and U.S. Airways have broken down. The two airlines couldn't decide who would delay passengers for hours and who would lose everyone's bags.

GE Appliance Sale
GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt says the company is only in the "early stages" of selling its appliance unit. There are a lot of interested buyers, but no one is quite sold on buying the extended warrantee.

Abbas' Lament
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas believes a political crisis in Israel that could unseat Prime Minister Ehud Olmert will hurt peace talks. Abbas is making it clear that for the peace talks to continue, the Israelis will have to find someone as stupid and gullible as Olmert.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

McCain's Offer
John McCain has invited Barack Obama to go on a trip to Iraq with him. It's the only place the two men can really feel safe from Hillary Clinton.

Mars Lander
Nasa's $420 million Phoenix Lander successfully touched down on Mars over the weekend... an amazing achievement considering you can't even fill up an SUV for $420 million anymore.

Nasa's Phoenix Lander successfully touched down on Mars over the weekend; traveling 422 million miles looking for signs of life and gas under $3 a gallon.

Libertarians Name Barr
Former Congressman Bob Barr has been named the 2008 Libertarian Party candidate for president. His campaign is doing pretty well as he has already pulled in to a tie with Ralph Nader for political irrelevancy.

Jailed Activist
Myanmar's military rulers have extended the prison sentence for that nation's leading pro-democracy leader for five years... or at least until they can figure out a way to blame the cyclone on her.

Gas Saving Tires
Tire companies are rolling out new lines of gas-saving tires. Of course if you really want to save gas, you can just remove your tires completely.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Call for Help
The Chinese government is making a desperate call for tents to help shelter the Sichuan earthquake victims. They'd use the tents they make in China, but officials don't want to make the quake survivors also have to worry about being poisoned.

Holiday Weekend
This is Memorial Day Weekend... a special holiday when all Americans pause to remember a time when they could afford to buy gas.

Hillary's People Speak to Obama Team
Reports say that Hillary Clinton's campaign team is approaching Barack Obama's team for private discussions. The staffers could be talking about an Obama-Hillary ticket, but they're probably just looking for new jobs.

Myanmar Accepts Help
Myanmar's military leaders have agreed to "allow all aid workers" into the country to help cyclone survivors... but mostly because they're delicious.

McCain Records
Sen. John McCain will give select members of the media a three-hour glimpse at his medical records Friday. That ought to be enough time to cover his doctor visits just for the last month.

A closer look at the records show that McCain is in good health, and the only thing that can kill him is another few weeks of $4 gas.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Cook Wins
David Cook won the American Idol competition last night by a margin of 12 million votes... but Hillary Clinton still believes she has a chance to win.

Gas Pain
Gas prices are getting so high, Vito Fossella and Eliot Spitzer are keeping their wives and girlfriends within walking distance from now on.

American's New Fees
American Airlines is now charging passengers $15 to check in their first bag... and if you want it back when you land, it'll cost you $25.

Surprise Jobs Report
The number of newly laid off workers filing for unemployment benefits fell unexpectedly last week to the lowest level in a month. Of course, more Americans will be fired as soon as they can afford to drive back in to work.

Drug Pulled
The Federal Aviation Administration has removed the anti-smoking drug Chantix from the list of medications considered safe for airline pilots... mostly because Chantix does not work well when washed down with 11 martinis.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Pearlman Sentenced
New Kids on the Block and 'N Sync creator Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years for tax evasion, money laundering, and aiding and abetting pedophiles across the world.

Peace Talks
Israel and Syria have begun indirect peace talks. They're indirect because the Israelis are at the negotiating table and the Syrians are in the 7th century.

Kennedy Release
Senator Ted Kennedy is being released from the hospital today... as officials make an emergency move to protect the medical center's supply of rubbing alcohol.

Responding to the news of Kennedy's tumor, John McCain almost came to tears, Barack Obama was choked up, and Hillary Clinton laughed uncontrollably while yelling: "That's what you get for not endorsing me!"

Big Turnout
Even after all these months, Democrats continue to vote in record numbers in the presidential primaries... mostly because people like to make choices without having to listen to Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest first.

Amazing Flying Fish
Scientists have discovered a flying fish that can stay aloft for 45 seconds at a time... making it the only thing right now that can fly that long without going bankrupt or losing everyone's bags.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


Senator Ted Kennedy has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, shocking medical experts who can't believe his liver is actually healthier than his brain.

News of Kennedy's tumor is hitting the Boston area hard as thousands of local bartenders and prostitutes are facing economic uncertainty.

The tumor is located in the left part of Kennedy's brain... actually, this is Ted Kennedy, the only part of his brain is the left side.

Kennedy is being treated with radiation, chemotherapy, and a fifth of Dewar's every 15 minutes.

A&P Heir Dies
A&P heir Huntington Hartford has died at the age of 97. His body will lie in state in the frozen food section for the next two weeks.

Home Depot Losses
Home Depot has posted a 66% drop in quarterly profit. But things are bound to look up as soon as the 15 million customers who are still lost in Home Depots across the country find their way to the cash register.

Quake Toll
The death toll from last week's earthquake in China has gone up to 40,075. It's devastating news to the Chinese government which had been planning to steal their kidneys and sell them on the open market.

New Housing Deal
The Senate has made a deal to help ease the housing crisis. The most popular aspect of the bill is the part where Americans who bought an overpriced home are given the legal right to beat the crap out of their realtor.

Fossella Calling it Quits
Philandering Congressman Vito Fossella is giving up his seat in the House. But his wife is giving him a permanent spot on their living room couch.

Monday, May 19, 2008

How to Get a "Merit" Scholarship at Ramaz

10) Save at least 3 daily parking spots on East 78th Street.

9) The middle school could use a swimming pool, (hint, hint).

8) Sign solemn pledge never to put embarrassing pictures of yourself on MySpace.

7) Successfully convince more than 2 people that you really want to go to Ramaz for the Jewish education... and not just to get into Harvard.

6) Be proficient at Talmud... and at least 6"2 with a great turnaround jump shot.

5) Win Essay Contest #1: "Resolved: Alternate Side of the Street Parking is a Hamas Plot."

4) The upper school faculty lounge could use one of those self-massaging chairs, (hint, hint).

3) Your parents' summer home in the Hamptons. 4 teachers without vacation plans. You put it together.

2) Win Essay Contest #2: "Justify a $30,000 day school tuition in 500 words or less."

1) Agree to ghost write Rabbi Lookstein's bi-weekly "angry clarification" letter to The Jewish Week.

Subway Woes
A new report shows that despite $1 billion in improvement costs, the elevators at most New York City subway are still not reliable. But most riders still find them to be very reliable when used as toilets.

Economic Assessment
The good news is that most economists now believe housing price declines have finally hit bottom. The bad news is that your 4-bedroom home is now worth 15 cents.

Quake Toll
China continues to feel the effects of the massive earthquake that hit the country last week. Thousands are homeless, businesses have been disrupted, and the government hasn't been able to execute as many political prisoners as usual.

Anderson Weds
Loni Anderson married former folk music star Bob Flick this weekend. It was Anderson's fourth marriage, but the first for most of her new body parts.

Baseball's Bad Call
If Major League Baseball only had instant replay, a legal home run hit by Carlos Delgado at Yankee Stadium last night would never have been incorrectly disallowed. And the video would have also helped the cops identify the three guys who mugged several fans in the right field bleachers.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Kennedy Seizure
Doctors are searching for the cause of Ted Kennedy's seizure this weekend. Kennedy was either stricken because of diabetes, heart disease, or seeing his bar tab.

Meanwhile, Kennedy will remain in the hospital until he completes more tests... and pinches every last nurse's ass.

Opening Up
President Bush made a speech Saturday urging Mideast Muslim countries to grant their people more freedoms... mostly because we deserve a shot to see what their chicks look like.

No Dice
President Bush was unable to get the Saudis to agree to pump more oil during his visit to the kingdom this weekend... but he was able to get a free windshield cleaning and a 24-pack of Poland Spring waters for $6.59 plus tax.

Koran Target Practice Apology
A U.S. soldier has apoligized for using a copy of the Koran for target practice... but we're still waiting for an apology from the 17.5 million Muslims who have used live civilians for target practice since 1492.

Florida Fire
33,000 acres of the Florida Everglades are on fire. Authorities say they know what caused the fire, they just have to find the actual eldery person who forgot that he left his hot plate on all night.