How to Get a "Merit" Scholarship at Ramaz


10) Save at least 3 daily parking spots on East 78th Street.

9) The middle school could use a swimming pool, (hint, hint).

8) Sign solemn pledge never to put embarrassing pictures of yourself on MySpace.

7) Successfully convince more than 2 people that you really want to go to Ramaz for the Jewish education... and not just to get into Harvard.

6) Be proficient at Talmud... and at least 6"2 with a great turnaround jump shot.

5) Win Essay Contest #1: "Resolved: Alternate Side of the Street Parking is a Hamas Plot."

4) The upper school faculty lounge could use one of those self-massaging chairs, (hint, hint).

3) Your parents' summer home in the Hamptons. 4 teachers without vacation plans. You put it together.

2) Win Essay Contest #2: "Justify a $30,000 day school tuition in 500 words or less."

1) Agree to ghost write Rabbi Lookstein's bi-weekly "angry clarification" letter to The Jewish Week.