Alaskan Drilling
Environmentalists are trying to stop the U.S. government from drilling for oil in the Alaskan National Wildlife Reserve, or ANWAR. Of course, the only place where you can really drill the ANWAR is in an Egyptian prison.


Inflation Under Control?
A government report this morning says inflation is under control... mostly since the prices of unicorns and fairies have been falling since last year.



Hillary Wins
Hillary Clinton easily defeated Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary... proving once and for all that there really are no black people in West Virginia.



Young Mayor
19-year-old University of Oklahoma freshman John Tyler Hammons has been elected mayor of Muskogee. Hammons top priorities for his first year in office are organizing weekly keggers on Main Street and tp'ing the neighboring town's city hall.



Pilot Protests
Airline pilot groups are meeting to protest the recent Delta-Northwest merger and the planned deal between United and US Airways. Of course, the best thing about pilot meetings is the 10-drink minimum.



Deere Profits
Tractor maker John Deere is posting record profits this year. That's because the only way Americans can afford to drive now is to harvest corn while they do it.