A&P Heir Dies
A&P heir Huntington Hartford has died at the age of 97. His body will lie in state in the frozen food section for the next two weeks.



Home Depot Losses
Home Depot has posted a 66% drop in quarterly profit. But things are bound to look up as soon as the 15 million customers who are still lost in Home Depots across the country find their way to the cash register.



Quake Toll
The death toll from last week's earthquake in China has gone up to 40,075. It's devastating news to the Chinese government which had been planning to steal their kidneys and sell them on the open market.



New Housing Deal
The Senate has made a deal to help ease the housing crisis. The most popular aspect of the bill is the part where Americans who bought an overpriced home are given the legal right to beat the crap out of their realtor.



Fossella Calling it Quits
Philandering Congressman Vito Fossella is giving up his seat in the House. But his wife is giving him a permanent spot on their living room couch.