Pearlman Sentenced
New Kids on the Block and 'N Sync creator Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years for tax evasion, money laundering, and aiding and abetting pedophiles across the world.


Peace Talks
Israel and Syria have begun indirect peace talks. They're indirect because the Israelis are at the negotiating table and the Syrians are in the 7th century.



Kennedy Release
Senator Ted Kennedy is being released from the hospital today... as officials make an emergency move to protect the medical center's supply of rubbing alcohol.

Responding to the news of Kennedy's tumor, John McCain almost came to tears, Barack Obama was choked up, and Hillary Clinton laughed uncontrollably while yelling: "That's what you get for not endorsing me!"



Big Turnout
Even after all these months, Democrats continue to vote in record numbers in the presidential primaries... mostly because people like to make choices without having to listen to Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest first.



Amazing Flying Fish
Scientists have discovered a flying fish that can stay aloft for 45 seconds at a time... making it the only thing right now that can fly that long without going bankrupt or losing everyone's bags.