Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain Choses Palin
John McCain has chosen youthful Sarah Palin as his running mate. The McCain campaign got the idea after seeing a re-run of "Punky Brewster."

Obama's Grandparents
During his acceptance speech last night, Barack Obama thanked his white grandparents for being hard-working Americans... he also thanked them for being dead so he could get away with calling them racists a few months ago.

Senator Obama promised to reverse the trend that's forced more Americans to work harder for less... unless you're a doctor, because he expects you to start working for free.

Obama repeatedly said there was no difference between John McCain and President Bush... mostly because all white people look alike to him.

Gas Prices
Gas prices rose for the first time today in 40 days... mostly because of all the idling limos waiting to pick up the big Democratic Party donors outside of Invesco Field last night.

McCain VP Choice
Conservatives are warning John McCain not to choose a pro-choice running mate... or, or, or... okay, they'll still vote for him, but they won't like it!

Like Barack Obama did with text messages, John McCain is hoping to inform his core supporters of his V.P. choice in the best way... so he's going to print the name of his running mate on a bunch of menu's for Denny's early bird special.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Tropical Storm Gustav is headed straight for New Orleans and the city police department is reportedly not prepared. Of course, the New Orleans cops are usually not even ready for partly cloudly.

Another Katrina?
Tropical Storm Gustav is headed straight for New Orleans, prompting Kanye West to say that God doesn't care about black people.

The Democrats have erected a structure resembling the Parthenon for Barack Obama's acceptance speech tonight. The Greek temple theme is appropriate as the Democrats also plan to sacrifice America.

Biden's Touching Moment
During his acceptance speech last night, Joe Biden told the delegates that a tragic event almost ended his career in politics. It was a solemn lesson in choosing the wrong doctor to get your hair plugs.

Ledger's Apartment
The Manhattan apartment where Heath Ledger died is renting for $26,000 per month... of course it comes with $35,000 worth of prescription drugs.

New Rules
The SEC has approved a plan that will allow U.S. companies to use international accoutning rules... which means every accountant in America will start taking six weeks off every summer.

Penis Enlargement Fraud
The founder of the Enzyte male enhancement pill company has been convicted and sentenced for fraud... an amazing accomplishment for prosecutors since no one was willing to complain about the products publicly.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Hillary is "Proud"
In her prime time speech, last night Hillary Clinton told the delegates she was, "a proud Senator from New York and a proud supporter of Barack Obama"... which is weird because she doesn't know much about New York and no one knows anything about Barack Obama.

But some Obama supporters were disappointed that Mrs. Clinton didn't explain why she decided to swallow her pride for the good of the Democratic Party... but enough about why she's still married to Bill.

Citi Cutbacks
Citigroup is cutting costs across the board. Expense accounts are being eliminated, outside meetings are being canceled, and to cut down on broken glass costs, all executives committing suicide are being asked to jump out of the same window.

Another budget cutting measure at Citigroup is a new ban on making color copies, except for printing out essential projects like the football pool and the local happy hour menu.

Flight Glitch
A computer system that tracks aircraft flight plans failed Tuesday, triggering hundreds of flight delays. It's unclear why the system failed, but like everything else in the airline industry it was probably very worried about being laid off.

Celebrity Breakup
Actress Nicollette Sheridan and singer Michael Bolton have split up. They just couldn't find a way to share their mirrors and hair spray equally.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Kennedy Appears
Ted Kennedy said that nothing could stop him from coming to the Democratic Convention... especially since it was 2-for-1 shooter's night at all the local Denver bars.

Economic Surge
Denver is enjoying a big economic boost thanks to the Democratic Convention, but with Eliot Spitzer and John Edwards not coming, the local prostitutes are going out of business.

Michelle on Barack
Michelle Obama's speech last night at the convention focused on two tracks: Barack Obama as a husband and father, and Barack Obama as a political leader... which is why the first part of the speech took 15 minutes and the second part was 38 seconds.

Rice on Settlements
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Israel Settlements are unhelpful to peace talks... because Arab leaders are too distracted trying to kill the Jews who live in them to show up for negotiations.

North Korea Move
North Korea has stopped disabling its nuclear reactor beacause it's angry over Washington's failure to remove it from the list of terror sponsors... Oh, and also they executed all the construction workers by accident.

Monday, August 25, 2008

No Deal for Lehman
A Korean investment firm is now backing off its attempts to buy Lehman Brothers. It turns out it just can't afford to pay for all the anti-depressants.

Hillary Shift
Hillary Clinton has released her delegates to vote for Barack Obama... too bad they're all voting for John McCain.

China Gets the Most Gold
China is gloating about its gold medal haul at the Beijing Games. The nation's leaders can't wait to use those medals to beat Tibetan protesters.

Obama Plans Fouled Up
The Obama campaign planned to announce Joe Biden as its V.P. choice at 8am Saturday, but CNN broke the story just after midnight... which is weirdm because CNN is the Obama campaign.

Biden Preps
Joe Biden is preparing for a tough battle on the campaign trail. In an attempt to relate to the common man, he's getting his hair plugs dyed in the colors of the Confederate Flag.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Obama Choice
Barack Obama says he's made his choice for his "dream running mate,"... the only trouble is, he can't choose himself.

Harvard is #1
Harvard is the #1 ranked U.S. college in the annual U.S. News & World Report list. The ranking formula looks for the highest SAT scores, narrowest selectivity, and the lowest percentage of undergrads who can actually get laid.

Underage Gymnasts
China has been asked to provide additional documents proving that five of the six members of its gold medal women's gymnastics team were old enough to compete in the Beijing Olympics. China says the team members will provide that data as soon as they're old enough to read them.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

U.S. Loses Gold
Japan has stunned the U.S. by beating the Americans for the gold medal in softball. Apparently, no one told the U.S. team that there is no "beer inning" in international play.

Lehman Rumors
We have now learned that officials at the Federal Reserve called top Lehman Brothers executives last month to see if rumors about its dried up credit lines were true... then they asked them if they were still going to be able to use their summer rentals in the Hamptons.

Obama's Weakness
New polls show the Obama campaign is doing a poor job of winning over former Hillary Clinton supporters. It turns out those voters just really miss being lied to.

Beach Volleyball Gold
Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor have won the gold medal in beach volleyball. Now they just want to get home, rest, and put their God-damned clothes back on.

Tubbs Jones Dead
According to doctors at the Cleveland Clinic, Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones has died. They've made that statement based on her brain function, heart rate, and all the reports about her being dead that they'd seen on CNN.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Lehman Hurting
Just how bad are things at Lehman Brothers? This morning I saw them rubberizing the sidewalk around their building.

Musician Dies
Dave Matthews Band saxophonist LeRoi Moore has died at age 47. He was not in pain, because just like everyone else in the band Moore hasn't felt a thing since 1996.

Obama in Trouble
Barack Obama's slim lead in the polls over John McCain has been cut in half over the last week. Obama is responding by frantically looking for a better tailor and makeup specialist.

No Big Foot
It turns out that the body of the so-called "big foot" in Atlanta was just a fake suit made of rubber. So it's not a scientific discovery, but it is the perfect Democratic vice presidential nominee.

Chapman "Ashamed"
Mark David Chapman now says he's "ashamed" of killing John Lennon... but not as ashamed as he is for not killing Yoko Ono.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Fay Landfall
Tropical Storm Fay has made landfall in South Florida, where it is expected to slow down and eventually die... just like everyone else who moves to South Florida.

New Drinking Age?
100 leading college presidents are calling on lawmakers to consider lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. They need to keep the students drunk so they can get away with what they charge for tuition.

More than 100 college presidents say the 21-year-old drinking age encourages terrible on campus behavior including binge drinking, date rape, and choosing American Studies as a major.

Redeem Team
The USA men's basketball team has been pushing past all competition and resistance in Beijing, especially China's strict laws against fathering illegitimate children.

Kilpatrick Victory
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick scored a major victory Monday when a judge ruled that the city council does not have the authority to remove him. Apparently, the council only has the authority to remove everyone else in Detroit from their jobs.

Lehman Fire Sale
Cash-strapped brokerage Lehman Brothers is considering selling off some of its most valuable assets, including its investment management business, a hedge fund, and most of the top executive's mistresses.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Fastest Sprinter
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt shattered the world record in the men's 100 meter dash to win the gold Saturday. The only human faster than Bolt is the Tibetan protester who sped past him while trying to avoid the Chinese police.

Phelps Calls
President Bush, John McCain and Barack Obama have all made special calls to U.S. Olympic hero Michael Phelps. Bush and McCain called to congratulate Phelps, while Obama reminded him that he'll have to give half of his eight gold medals to the IRS.

Phelps Endorsements
Michael Phelps is expected to make $50 million per year in commercial endorsements, second only to Tiger Woods' $87 million... because Phelps just can't bring himself to tell people to buy a Buick.

Musharraf Quits
After years of corruption, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has announced his resignation today. But the resignation was forced, so we can expect him to show up at Green Bay Packers training camp before the end of the month.

Obama on the Economy
Barack Obama called the U.S. economy "a disaster" thanks to John McCain and President Bush. Yeah, if the economy weren't so bad Obama might have been about to quadruple her personal wealth in the last four years instead of only tripling it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Edwards Denial
John Edwards is denying he paid $14,000 in hush money to his former mistress. Actually, that's how much he paid her for his last haircut.

Trump Saves Ed
Donald Trump has stepped in to save Ed McMahon's home from foreclosure. In return, McMahon will hand over to Trump all of his remaining hair.

U.S. Takes 1-2
U.S. women gymnasts won the gold and silver medals in the all-around competition. The Chinese team was profoundly disappointed, but felt better after they had a little nap and some cookies.