Lehman Hurting
Just how bad are things at Lehman Brothers? This morning I saw them rubberizing the sidewalk around their building.



Musician Dies
Dave Matthews Band saxophonist LeRoi Moore has died at age 47. He was not in pain, because just like everyone else in the band Moore hasn't felt a thing since 1996.



Obama in Trouble
Barack Obama's slim lead in the polls over John McCain has been cut in half over the last week. Obama is responding by frantically looking for a better tailor and makeup specialist.



No Big Foot
It turns out that the body of the so-called "big foot" in Atlanta was just a fake suit made of rubber. So it's not a scientific discovery, but it is the perfect Democratic vice presidential nominee.



Chapman "Ashamed"
Mark David Chapman now says he's "ashamed" of killing John Lennon... but not as ashamed as he is for not killing Yoko Ono.