NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Chinese Patrols
More than 300,000 Chinese police officers and army troops are patrolling the Beijing area for the Olympics for suspicious characters. Just as a precaution, they're beating and detaining anyone who claims to be interested in synchronized swimming.



China Responds
China has responded to President Bush's speech criticizing Beijing, saying no one should interfere in another countries' internal affairs... except when they steal all of their technological and military secrets and then pirate all of their movies on DVD.



The Clincher
Brett Favre was finally convinced to come to the Jets when he was promised access to a 2,00 acre area near the stadium to go hunting whenever he likes. Now he just needs to get the right gear for hunting in New Jersey, which includes huge amounts of hair gel and acid wash jeans.


Favre to the Big City
Most experts agree it's a good thing that Favre is coming to the media capital of the world, because he really hasn't been getting enough media coverage this summer.



Mexican Execution Protest
The Mexican government says the U.S. violated international law by putting a Mexican citizen to death in Texas Wednesday. It's not so much that he was executed, it's the fact that Texas killed him by making him wash dishes at Denny's until he keeled over.