Celebrities vs. Cancer
Jennifer Aniston and several other top celebrities are getting together for a one-hour charity TV special in September as they vow to "conquer cancer"... which makes sense, because celebrities have already done such a great job conquering drug addiction, alcohol abuse, and domestic violence.



Obama Veepstakes
Barack Obama is reportedly close to choosing a running mate. The top qualities he's looking for include experience, popularity, and someone who won't block his good side during photo ops.



Fast Food Ban
The L.A. city council is expected to ban new fast food restaurants from opening in South Central neighborhoods. It's all part of L.A.'s brilliant, "keep the poor people hungry and unemployed" policy.



PETA Protest
Animal-rights activists want the U.S. to stop using animals to train its military, calling the exercises are cruel and a disservice to the troops. The Army has agreed and will now train the troops by having them kill animal-rights activists.



Obama Slips
Barack Obama has actually slipped in the polls following his whirlwind tour of Europe and the Middle East. Many of his core supporters are abandoning him after they found out he didn't use a hyrbid airplane.