Schwartz Job Offers
Former Bear Stearns CEO Alan Schwartz is getting a job offer from Goldman Sachs. They originally offered the job to Willie Randolph, but he wasn't quite a huge enough failure.



Gorilla Rights
Spain has granted human legal rights to gorillas; a huge victory for animal lovers and the emerging field of gorilla divorce law.



Credit Card Swipe
Police are seeing a new crime trend as thieves are skimming drivers' credit card data at fuel pumps. So now every time you fill up, you're probably getting robbed twice.



Freeman Injured
Morgan Freeman is recovering from a serious car accident in Mississippi, thus throwing Hollywood into a crisis since he appears in about 673 movies a year.



Edouard Moves In
Tropical Storm Edouard is about to cross into Texas. By naming itself Edouard, the storm figures it will easily blend in with all the illegal immigrants at the border.