Thursday, March 30, 2006


I have a special comedy essay on grandparenting in this Saturday's Newsday and you can hear Newsday's preview podcast interview with me by clicking here: Interview Podcast

(There are about two minutes of discussion with the editor first, some of which is about me, and then they get to me).

Campbell Arrested
Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been arrested for allegedly throwing a cell phone at her maid's head. Looks like the Yankees finally have a replacement for Roger Clemens!

Campbell Arrested II
Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been arrested for allegedly throwing a cell phone at her maid's head. It's not clear whether she did it out of anger or just because she wanted to impress Russell Crowe.

Steroid Investigation
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced a major steroid investigation of Barry Bonds. The best way to find out whether Barry Bonds has been taking steroids is to... just look at Barry Bonds.

Steroid Investigation II
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced a major steroid investigation of Barry Bonds. Bonds is responding with a major probe of Selig's toupee.

Top 5 Benjamin Netanyahu Excuses

5) Who knew all the ex-wives and girlfriends he cheated on would actually vote?

4) Not enough Israelis watch the FOX News Channel

3) He tried, but he just couldn't give himself a stroke

2) His supporters forgot to vote because they were watching "24"

1) Most of his supporters actually live in Florida

Bonds Threat
Barry Bonds says he's so angry about the steroid accusations against him, that he may go "jump off the Empire State Building." Well, he is attracted to anything with a big needle.

Carroll Released
Terrorist Iraqi kidnappers have finally released American journalist Jill Carroll after almost three months. Carroll was allowed to keep some lovely parting gifts, like a copy of the Koran, a commemorative medal, and her head.

Prayer Study
In the largest scientific test of its kind, scientists found that prayer brought no benefit to hospital patients. And the hospitals found that prayer brought no benefit to the people who didn't pay their bills.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Top 5 Ways to Stop Illegal Immigration

5) Give illegals a job even they won't want to do, like working at Starbuck's

4) Force all Spanish-language radio stations to play Barry Manilow 24/7

3) Black-out all soccer broadcasts on American TV

2) Make all illegals citizens, then send them to Iraq

1) Ah, what the Hell? Annex Mexico!

Swinging Congresswoman
Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, a Democrat from Georgia, allegedly struck a Capitol police officer Wednesday. Wait, you mean to tell me there's a Democrat who can fight?

Bush Blames Saddam
President Bush is now blaming ongoing sectarian violence in Iraq on Saddam Hussein, even though he's been behind bars for more than two years. Well, it makes more sense than blaming the media.

Wal-Mart Squatter
A college student in Iowa spent 41 straight hours in a Des Moines Wal-Mart during Spring Break. It took him that long to find something that was made in America.

Wal-Mart Squatter II
Wal-Mart says it wouldn't have allowed the Iowa college student who stayed inside its Des Moines store for 41 straight hours if it had been aware of it. The only people Wal-Mart allows to spend 41 straight hours in its stores are its employees.

Convert in Italy
The Afghan man who could have received the death penalty for converting to Christianity is now in Italy. But experts are wondering why he didn't choose to go to a country that's friendly to Christians.

French Truce?
There's a possible breakthrough in the French student riots. The protesters are now willing to accept the new law that makes it easier to fire young workers, as long as all the workers who get fired are Jews.

Silent Delivery
Following the rules of Scientology, Tom Cruise is asking Katie Holmes to remain as silent as possible when she gives birth to their baby. Holmes should have no problem with that; she hasn't been allowed to speak for about a year anyway.

Duke Allegations
Duke University has canceled the remainder of its men's lacrosse season because of rape allegations against some players. All it took to cancel the remainder of Duke's basketball season was playing LSU in the Sweet 16.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Lou is Coming
Lou Dobbs is headed to Cancun to cover the U.S.-Mexican-Canadian summit. As a result, millions of Mexicans are now illegally streaming across the southern border to Guatemala.

French Riots
Paris police are now using water cannon to disperse young rioters... it's the first bath most of the protesters have had in weeks.

French Riots II
The French police water cannon vehicle has two nozzles; one shoots Evian, the other Perrier.

As he announced his resignation Tuesday morning, White House Chief of staff Andrew Card quoted the Bible... which is fitting, since thanks to him we're now living through the Apocalypse.

Dis-Carded II
After more than five years in the White House, Andrew Card says the time was right to return to private life... especially now that rich people don't have to pay taxes anymore.

Dis-Carded III
Card says he wants to return to "private life"... but to be any more private and secretive than he was in the White House, he'd have to move to Guantanamo Bay.

Weinberger Dies
Former Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger has died at age 88. Weinberger first became interested in the military and armed conflict as a boy, when he dreamed of getting back at his parents for naming him "Caspar."

Israeli Elections
The results are in from the Israeli elections... and it looks like Ehud Olmert's comb-over has been resoundingly defeated.

Israeli Elections II
Voter turnout in today's Israeli elections was extremely low. Just like Americans, Israelis just don't know who to vote for without advice from Simon Cowell.

Taylor Escapes
Liberia's former leader Charles Taylor has disappeared from custody in Nigeria. The brutal dictator finally got the courage to escape when he heard there was a job opening for White House Chief of Staff.

Barkin Join Ocean's
Ellen Barkin has joined the cast of the new movie "Ocean's 13." In this sequel, the gang will reunite to steal Ron Perelman's money.

New Show
"The Practice" and "Ally McBeal" creator David Kelly is producing a new Sci-Fi series for ABC. The show is about aliens who land on Earth disguised as horny lawyers.

Big Unit Suit
Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson is going to court to try to pay less child support to a woman he fathered a child with 16 years ago. Legal experts are doubtful the case will succeed; any woman willing to sleep with Randy Johnson deserves to be lavishly compensated for the rest of her life.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Immigration Bill
A Senate committee has voted in favor of new relaxed immigration laws. The new rules would allow more visas for nurses, agriculture workers, and foreign lobbyists with cash.

Immigration Bill II
The bill also shelters humanitarian organizations from prosecution if they provide non-emergency assistance to illegal residents... like the Marriott Hotel chain which is graciously offering them jobs for $1 an hour.

Immigration Bill III
The most controversial part of the new bill would permit illegal aliens to apply for citizenship without first having to return home. But they would still have to pay a fine, learn English, and be prepared to defend themselves against Lou Dobbs.

Moussaoui in the Dark?
Al Qaeda conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui says he knew about plans to crash planes into the World Trade Center, but did not have the exact details. Moussaoui's story is a grim reminder that terrorists should call their handlers before they head to the airport to make sure all their flight information is up to date.

Moussaoui Mission
Moussaoui says his mission was to destroy the White House... but he backed off when he realized President Bush is doing that all by himself.

Moussaoui Mission II
al Qaeda's plan to storm the White House failed because Zacarias Moussaoui turned out to be inept... sounds a lot like the Kerry campaign.

Student Protest
Thousands of California students walked out of class Monday, reportedly to support immigrant rights. Actually, they were rushing to get the good summer jobs at McDonald's before the illegals got them.

Rahman to be Freed
The good news is an Afghan court has decided to free Christian convert Abdel Rahman. The bad news is he's moving to America to fight evolution classes in the public schools.

GMU Final Four
George Mason University shocked UConn Sunday to make the Final Four. It's the biggest shocker the team's pulled off since they all showed up for Psych class last month.

Favorites Finished
NCAA tournament favorites UConn, Villanova, Duke and Memphis have all been eliminated. It's the most painful thing those players will have to endure until they get some of their tattoos removed.

Case Dismissed
An Afghan court is dropping its death penalty case against a man who converted to Christianity. The official reason given was lack of evidence; apparently an extensive search of his home turned up no evidence of any of those "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelets.

Case Dismissed II
An Afghan court is dropping its death penalty case against a man who converted to Christianity because it believes the man is insane... not because he left Islam to be a Christian, but because he left Islam to be an Episcopalian.

Top 5 Signs the Afghan Convert to Christianity Really is Crazy

5) Instead of the Haj, he makes an annual pilgrimage to Dollywood

4) Still angry that the Kabul cable TV provider doesn't carry the "700 Club"

3) Insists on having an Easter egg hunt every year, even though no one's had an egg in Afghanistan since 1975

2) Really likes Christian rock

1) He's the only person in the world who actually had George Mason in his Final Four bracket

Immigrant March
500,000 people marched for immigrant rights in Los Angeles Saturday. Most of the demonstrators say they were out looking for Lou Dobbs.

Immigrant March II
500,000 people marched for immigrant rights in Los Angeles Saturday. The I.N.S. would have been combing the crowd for illegal aliens, but this is their decade off.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Russian Problem
The Pentagon says it's discovered that Russia secretly gave Saddam Hussein sensitive information about U.S. battle plans before the invasion of Iraq. The Russians deny that, but they do admite they gave Saddam personal grooming tips while he was in hiding.

Russian Problem II
The Pentagon says that while it has proof Russia gave Saddam Hussein information about U.S. battle plans before the invasion of Iraq, it's not clear if he actually paid attention to it. That's because some of the military information was probably lost in all those rolls of oil-for-food cash.

Manilow Gay?
Several journalists covering the music industry are urging Barry Manilow to come out of the closet. Manilow's press agent is responding by explaining that Manilow isn't gay; it's just that his music makes you gay.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Deer on the Loose
Just days after finding a coyote in Central Park, New York police are now trying to find a wild deer on Staten Island. Of course it's easy to spot a deer from Staten Island; it's the one with fuzzy dice hanging from its antlers.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and with not one, but TWO jokes! Here's the link: Newsday

Top 5 Reasons Afghanistan Wants to Execute the Convert to Christianity

5) The Kabul Mall just isn't ready for Christmas sales

4) No one wants to see a bunch of "What Would Jesus Do?" t-shirts in Farsi

3) Now everyone's gonna want all the Christian holidays off from work... if there was any work

2) Two Words: Pat Robertson

1) The Christianity they can take, the Gospel music they can't

Charlie's Not Buying It
Actor Charlie Sheen says he refuses to accept the official explanation for 9/11. Sheen is instead pinning the blame on what he's always considered to be the world's biggest menace: overpriced hookers.

Holloway Break?
Aruban authorities reportedly have a new witness in the disappearance of Alabama teen Natalee Holloway and will conduct another search for her body. In reaction to the story, CNN is renewing the Nancy Grace show for another six months.

Journalism Dangers
Reporters who go to Iraq still face grave danger from snipers... and when the right wing bloggers get through with them, they have to try to avoid the terrorists.

SAT Screw Up
The College Board says it feels "awful" about grading errors that so far have left about 4,500 students with lower SAT scores. Officials say they only enjoy ruining kids' lives with arbitrary and useless tests, not because of technical errors.

Dog Handler Jailed
U.S. citizens are showing little mercy for the jailed army dog handler who used the animals to terrorize Iraqi prisoners in abu Ghraib. Americans just can't understand why he would subject innocent dogs to those kinds of people.

Barbara's Gift
Former first lady Barbara Bush has donated thousands of dollars to the Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund with specific instructions that the money be spent on educational programs. If only she had cared as much about educating her own kids.

Cheney Dinner
Vice President Cheney will be speaking this evening in Tucson at a $500-a-plate fund-raiser. The guests will have to be rich and courageous, because the main course is quail.

Skid Row Stat
An L.A. hospital has been caught dumping patients on skid row. They're actually doing them a favor; once you get finished paying the medical bills, that's where you're going to end up anyway.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

GM Buyouts
GM is offering its employees $140,000 each to leave the company. If they own GM SUV's, that ought to cover about three months worth of gas.

GM Buyouts II
GM is offering its factory employees $140,000 each to leave the company... or about 1% of what it pays its failed executives to leave the company.

Park Coyote
New York City workers have finally captured a coyote that was roaming Central Park for the last few days. The coyote is relieved; it was mugged three times last night alone.

Park Coyote II
New York City workers have finally found a coyote that was roaming Central Park for the last few days. But there's little chance they'll ever find the animal's missing wallet and credit cards.

Soriano Woes
Washington Nationals star Alfonso Soriano is refusing to play left field. He knows what he's doing; no one on the Left has succeeded in Washington in 10 years.

Going Out of Business
A Catholic adoption agency that accidentally gave a baby to an gay couple has shut its doors for good rather than make that mistake again. So, they're throwing the babies out with the perfumed bathwater.

Top 10 Reasons Not to be an Actor

10) Your drama class never covered the essential skills... like how to bus tables

9) If what you really love is appearing before large crowds and pretending to be someone you're not... it's a lot easier to run for Congress

8) Your agent keeps getting you auditions for tampon commercials... and you're a man

7) Your drama coach only teaches his students "the method" approach to acting... for porn films

6) You can cry on cue... but you can't stop

5) Take a good look at your parents' basement; because you'll be living there when you're 40

4) Those breathing exercises really aggravate your asthma

3) If you wanted to wear a leotard, you'd be a dancer

2) You're turned off by rampant drug use, sexual harassment, and risk... oh wait, those are the reasons not to work on Wall Street

1) If you don't get work, you won't eat. If you do get work, you can't eat.

Afghan Death Sentence?
An Afghan man who converted to Christianity faces the death penalty in Kabul. In America, people who convert to Christianity are usually just punished by being ridiculed on TV and in the movies.

Bush Denial
President Bush continues to deny signs of a civil war in Iraq... but luckily, his economic and religious policies prove he's well aware of the civil war going on right here in America.

Iraq Attack
Insurgents attacked the mayor's office and the police station in the Iraqi city of Madain Wednesday... proving once again that in Iraq you can't fight city hall, but you can blow it up.

NYPD Expansion
The NYPD plans to add 800 new cops to the police force in the coming months. But with a starting salary of $25,000-per-year, they'll mostly be hiring illegal immigrants.

Allawi Retracts
Former Iraqi prime minister Ayad Allawi now says he doesn't think Iraq is in a civil war after all... so I guess his monthly check from the CIA finally cleared.

Suspicious Package
A suspicious package was been found today on the White House lawn. Given this administration, it was thought to be suspicious because it was a budget-cutting package.

Package-Opening Robot
A robot safely opened that suspicious package on the White House lawn... is there anything Scott McClellan can't do?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Lafave Cleared
All charges have been dropped against Debbie Lafave, the attractive blonde 23-year-old teacher who had sex with her 14-year-old male student. Prosecutors wanted to get her victim to testify, but he's too busy getting high-fives from every middle school boy in America.

Moussaoui's Roommate
Zacarias Moussaoui's ex-roommate, Hussein al-Attas, testified in court Tuesday that Moussaoui told him many times that the only way to paradise was to wage "holy war" against the United States. But al-Attas says he told Moussaoui he would become a martyr even faster if he didn't start cleaning up his half of the damn bathroom.

Moussaoui's Roommate II
Zacarias Moussaoui's ex-rommate, Hussein al-Attas, says he and Moussaoui were like the "Odd Couple"... al-Attas was the neat and clean one, and Moussaoui was always trying to build a dirty bomb.

Top 5 Signs Your Roommate is a Terrorist

5) He asks you to put the phone service solely in your name... so it won't be tapped

4) When you ask him why his laundry is all over the living room, he blames the Jews

3) He never cleans up his nuclear waste

2) He often warns you to smoke outside... otherwise the apartment might blow up

1) He won't agree to a double date unless you bring 71 virgins

Bush Speech
President Bush has decided to do whatever it takes to make the situation in Iraq look good... so, he's going to talk about the U.S. economy for the rest of the week.

Bush Speech II
President Bush angrily responded to questions during Tuesday's news conference about whether he wanted to go to war. He insisted we didn't go into Iraq because he wanted war; we went into Iraq because he wanted to get re-elected.

Bush Speech III
One reporter asked President Bush whether he would call for a complete withdrawal from Iraq on his watch. The President said that could never happen... because he's not really watching.

Rice for Commish?
Condoleezza Rice is rumored as a possible replacement for Paul Tagliabue as the commissioner of the NFL. If chosen, her first mission will be to stem the massive AFC-NFC sectarian violence.

Rice for Commish II
Experts say Condoleezza Rice would be a great replacement for Paul Tagliabue as the commissioner of the NFL. That's because she has so much in common with many of the players; like humble origins, determination, and busted teeth.

Huge Donation
Columbia has been given a $200 million gift that will enable the school to open a new brain study center. The first brains they're going to study belong to the people who do the hiring in the Middle East Studies program.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Rumsfeld Analogy
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says leaving Iraq now would be like turning Germany back over to the Nazis at the end of World War II. Of course, we really did turn a country back over to the Nazis at the end of World War II... but that country was France.

Top 5 Real Reasons Frank Quattrone's Conviction was Overturned

5) The court made egregious legal errors; like spelling Quattrone's name with only one "t"

4) Prosecutors abused their power by calling the defendant "guilty"

3) The White House is going to need Quattrone's evidence shredding expertise REAL soon

2) The jury was given improper instructions... about where they could get a decent sandwich near the courthouse for lunch

1) Rich people in America are innocent until they are no longer rich

Bush Touts Iraq
President Bush spoke about progress in Iraq at the City Club of Cleveland Monday... because if there's anyone in America who will look at Iraq today and still think it's going well, it's people who live in Cleveland.

Stalker Convicted
A homeless man has been convicted of stalking MSNBC reporter/anchor Monica Crowley. The conviction puts a dangerous man in jail, but also cuts MSNBC's viewership in half.

Wal-Mart in China
Wal-Mart says it plans to open about 60 new stores and hire 150,000 employees in China over the next five years. Shiploads of Americans hoping to illegally sneak into the country and get those jobs are already headed to Shanghai.

Pentagon's Oil Bills
Pentagon officials are now openly complaining about the high cost of fuel. Considering all the wars they've started for the oil companies, you'd think they'd at least get the employee discount.

Brangelina No-Show
Even though they were no-shows this weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may still go to Lake Como, Italy for a secret wedding ceremony. Pitt and Jolie believe the site is perfect because Italy is well-known as the best place to avoid the paparazzi.

Anniversary Coverage
This is the third anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq... and by the time the TV news networks finish marking the third anniversary it will be the fourth anniversary.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 5 3rd Anniversary of the War Gifts You Can Give an Iraqi Citizen

5) Down Flak Jacket

4) Copies of Right Wing papers filled with stories about how great their lives are

3) Tiffany silver candlestick detonators

2) Copy of Dick Cheney's latest book: "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Foreign Wars and Quail Hunting"

1) Some soap to wash off that dye they got when they voted 3 months ago

French Riots
Thousands of French university students are rioting over the proposed loss of job protections for young workers. The crowds became even more violent when they saw all the cars they wanted to trash had already been torched by the Muslim rioters last fall.

French Riots II
Thousands of French university students are rioting over the proposed loss of job protections for young workers. They'd be even angrier if they wanted jobs in the first place.

French Riots III
Thousands of French university students are rioting in Paris. It's just the French college version of "March Madness."

French Riots IV
One of the first things the rioters did was vandalize a Paris McDonald's... but that was because the Muslim students thought the Ronald McDonald cartoons on the Happy Meals looked too much like the prophet Muhammad.

French Riots V
One of the first things the student rioters did was vandalize a Paris McDonald's... but that was only because they learned the Egg McMuffin isn't baked with real hand-whipped butter.

French Riots VI
Experts say the violent rioting by French University students is due to the combination of political unrest and unemployment. When American college students start rioting, it's usually due to the combination of booze and their parents' credit cards.

March Madness
Americans can't get enough of the NCAA basketball tournament, even though most fans couldn't tell you where most of the schools' campuses are... unfortunately neither can those schools' players.

March Madness II
You can learn a lot about the nation's colleges and universities just by watching the NCAA basketball tournament this weekend. For example, apparently most schools are offering their athletes scholarships for tuition, housing, and tattoos.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Freaky Friday
Today is not only day two of March Madness, it's also St. Patrick's Day. If it weren't for all the illegal aliens, nobody in America would be working today.

Moussaoui Decision
The judge in the Zacharias Moussaoui death penalty sentencing hearings will now allow aviation officials to testify after all. The court decided that when it comes to killing people, the airline people are the real experts.


The basic work has started on my new Website:! Click here to see what's up so far:

Lobbying Limits
A new rule sets a $75 per year cap on gifts lobbyists can give to members of Congress. Luckily for most Congressmen, you can't really put a price on a good blow job.

Lobbying Limits II
A new rule sets a $75 per year cap on gifts lobbyists can give to members of Congress... sending the nation's lobbyists into a desperate search for good 50-cent hookers.

NCAA Tournament Scare
An opening round game in the NCAA basketball tournament was delayed 70 minutes because of a terrorist threat. Police later found the whole thing was planned by a couple of guys who needed extra time to fill out their brackets in the office pool.

Iraq Attack
U.S. forces launched "Operation Swarmer" in Iraq today. Army units are doggedly searching for insurgents, terrorists, and better job approval numbers for President Bush.

Iran Plays Ball
The good news is Iran has agreed to work with the U.S. to halt violence in Iraq. The bad news is the Iranians want to do it by using nuclear weapons.

Iraq War Poll
A new poll says 60% of Americans now believe the war in Iraq has not been worth it. But it's not clear what they meant by "worth it;" the loss of American lives, or all the pre-emptions of "American Idol."

Thursday, March 16, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Here's the link: Newsday

Top 5 Best Excuses for Dropping the Whole Semester

5) 3 of your professors just posted erotic pictures of themselves on your MySpace page

4) You're not pregnant, and you'd better get off campus if your parents want to keep it that way

3) You just want to come back to school next semester with two things you didn't have this time around: a positive attitude and some pants

2) You finally realized that 40 grand in tuition, room and board goes a lot further in Vegas!

1) You need to find some good hiding places before they reinstate the draft

Denny's Shooting
A gunman walked into a Denny's restaurant in California Wednesday and opened fire, killing two and wounding two others. The wounded pair are in serious condition, but still have a better chance of surviving than everyone who ordered the grand slam breakfast.

Simpson Nixes White House Meet
Jessica Simpson has turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at the White House. Even she knows you don't want to be seen with someone with a 36% approval rating.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Top 5 Excuses for Staying on Spring Break an Extra Week

5) You could have returned to school on time, but then who would've cared for those Katrina refugees you were looking after?

4) You didn't exactly go to class the week before Spring Break either

3) Let's just say you and your frat buddies could've chosen a better Spring Break location than Baghdad

2) You needed the extra time to steal the videos the "Girls Gone Wild" guys took of your girlfriend

1) You're a liberal arts major; hanging out and drinking is about all you've learned how to do in college anyway

Summer Movies
"Mission Impossible 3" is due in theaters this May. In this sequel, Tom Cruise's impossible mission will be convincing the audience he's not a friggin' nut.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Mike Wallace Retires
Mike Wallace is finally retiring from "60 Minutes." At 87-years-old, Wallace is just too young to relate to most of the show's viewers.

Top 5 Real Reasons Mike Wallace is Retiring

5) He can't do a show that starts after his bedtime

4) The CBS health plan no longer pays for Viagra

3) 38 years, and Morley Safer still won't answer any of his love letters

2) Former Presidents used to just ignore his tough questions; this one doesn't understand them

1) One more year and he was going to take a sledgehammer to that damned stopwatch!

Divorce Reasons
Yet another new study suggests that most couples break up over money, not infidelity. That makes sense; my wife left me because I was spending too much money on hookers.

More on Claude Allen...

Allen was originally a Democrat, but he switched to the GOP when he realized that each and every one of the nation’s 12 conservative black Republicans all hold high office.

Allen is accused of taking refunds for items selling for as little as $2.50… shocking and outraging his mentors in the Bush administration who thought his years of rubbing elbows with the Halliburton guys would have taught him a little more about fraud.

Allen apparently took refunds for items he didn’t really buy. Of course, finding ways of getting something for nothing was a big part of his job in the White House when he defended upper class tax cuts.

President Bush twice nominated Allen for federal judgeships, but he was never confirmed. Apparently, Senate Democrats were a little put off when Allen offered to reward each “yes” vote with a “slightly-used” microwave oven and a Bose home theater system.

And Slobodan Milosevic...

Milosevic’s death serves as a reminder of the deadly war between Serbia and Bosnia. And it also harks back to a more innocent time when Americans thought it was wrong to kill Muslims.

Milosevic was able to systematically kill hundreds of thousands of people, all under the noses of U.N. forces who never really followed through on threats to stop him… and still those guys probably wouldn’t have screwed up Iraq as bad as we did!

Milosevic Drug
Investigators now say they've found traces of a drug in Slobodan Milosevic's body that was not prescribed by any doctor. The news is devastating the millions of attorneys around the world who were hoping to file a malpractice suit.

Feingold vs. Bush
Senator Russ Feingold is introducing a proposal to censure President Bush. Mr. Bush is responding by insisting he can't be censured because he "never used any bad words."

Moussaoui Mistrial?
A federal judge is threatening to throw out the death penalty at the sentencing trial for Zacarias Moussaoui after administration prosecutors admitted they coached several witnesses on what to say. Legal experts say that didn't really hurt the defense, since these are the same people who coach President Bush too.

Mad Cow Found
A cow in Alabama has tested positive for mad cow disease, but it's not clear if it contracted the brain-wasting disease because it ate animal remains or simply because it lives in Alabama.

Frist Wins
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist won a presidential straw poll this weekend in Tennessee. Well that makes sense; Frist is the one Republican candidate who most resembles a piece of straw.

Newspaper Merger
McClachy is buying Knight Ridder's newspapers for $4.5 billion; making the folks at McClachy the only people in America still actually buying a newspaper.

Game Show Host Dead
Former "Press Your Luck" game show host Peter Tomarken is dead after his private plane crashed in Southern California. It looks like an accident, but police are questioning several local whammies just in case.

Monday, March 13, 2006

March Madness
Millions of Americans are filling out their NCAA Basketball Tournament brackets in hopes of choosing the one school that will beat the odds... and actually have players who go to class.

Bush Aide Pinched
Former Bush administration adviser Claude Allen has been arrested for fraudulently taking refunds for items at Target that he never actually bought. While working in the White House, Allen crafted the Bush policy known as "no receipt left behind."

Bush Aide Pinched II
Former Bush administration advisor Claude Allen has been arrested for fraudulently taking refunds for items at Target that he never actually bought. The White House is embarrassed and outraged; its staffers are supposed to cheat the customers, not the stores!

Bonds Homer
Barry Bonds hit his first home run in spring training in a game earlier today. It's truly shocking since most pharmacies are closed on Sundays.

Recruiting Rejects
Despite severe shortages, the U.S. Army is still rejecting several recruits for being too obese or unintelligent... those men and women are sent directly to work on Capitol Hill.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Milosevic Found Dead
Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic has been found dead in his U.N. prison cell. The U.S. is responding by demanding that his guards be immediately reassigned to Saddam Hussein's prison.

Milosevic Legacy
Former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic is dead. Milosevic slaughtered thousands of Bosnians, Croats, and American news anchors who couldn't pronounce his name.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Bush on Dead Deal
President Bush says he's "concerned" about the message the failed Dubai ports deal will send to foreign countries. So, he's going to spend the rest of the month making sure all foreigners know that his administration is still for sale.

Dubai Deal Latest
The good news is Dubai is dropping control of several U.S. ports. The bad news is it's taking over control of "American Idol" voting.

Reaction in Dubai
People in Dubai are having a mixed reaction to the lost port deal. They're sad that they've lost their hold on the ports, but happy that they still control all of our gas stations.

GM Recall
GM is recalling 900,000 pick-up trucks today. The repairs will be made for free, but who's gonna pay the $100 each owner will need just to get enough gas to drive to the dealer?


Hey everyone! The LA Jewish Journal, (#1 Jewish paper in CA), featured my Spielberg spoof really nicely on the cover! Check it out LA Purim Spoof

The Jewish Week, (#1 Jewish paper in America), did it too in less spectacular but in a more fleshed out way: NY Purim Spoof

Happy Purim!!!


Thursday, March 09, 2006

Top 5 Wolf Blitzer Complaints

5) Jack Cafferty keeps beating him up and stealing his lunch money

4) CNN only lets him work 7 days a week

3) None of the makeup ladies really does a good job trimming his beard

2) Anderson Cooper keeps inviting him over to watch "Brokeback Mountain"

1) 500 TV screens in the Situation Room, and not one of them gets the Playboy Channel!

Dubai Down
The good news is Dubai has just agreed to hand over port security to an entirely U.S-controlled company. The bad news is that company is American Airlines.

Abu Ghraib Closing
The good news for Iraqis is the U.S. is going to close the notorious Abu Ghraib prison. The bad news is we're replacing it with a Starbucks.

NASA Bombshell
NASA says it has evidence of possible life on Saturn. Every time Congress threatens to cut its funding, NASA either comes out with a report like this or another Osama bin Laden audiotape.

NASA Bombshell II
NASA says it has evidence of possible life on Saturn. But if that isn't enough to make sure it keeps its government funding, NASA's gonna launch a new probe to find William Shatner's original hair.

Cigarette Smoking Down
A new report says Americans are smoking fewer cigarettes than they have in 55 years. That's because now it takes about 55 years to find a place in America where you can smoke a cigarette.

Cigarette Smoking Down II
A new report says Americans are smoking fewer cigarettes than they have in 55 years. That's because now it takes about 55 years to save enough money to afford a pack of cigarettes.

Arizona Border Guards
The governor of Arizona has ordered more national guard troops to the state border with Mexico to cut down on illegal immigration and to stop a coyote infestation. Apparently, American coyotes are sick and tired of illegal Mexican coyotes streaming over the border and killing rabbits for half the pay!

WBC Shocker
The U.S. was shocked by Canada in the World Baseball Classic Wednesday. The American players are complaining the Canadians had an unfair edge because of their country's free prescription steroid drug plan.

Harrison Proposes
Harrison Ford proposed to longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart over coffee and croissants this morning. Good move... if Calista is actually willing to eat something, she'll probably say yes to anything!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

NYSE Goes Public
Investors can now buy stock in the New York Stock exchange itself, as the NYSE went public Tuesday morning. Before that, the only way you could invest in a group of screaming white men was to make a donation to a Congressional campaign.

Paris Hilton Restraining Order
A California court has signed a restraining order against Paris Hilton, ordering her to stay at least 100 feet away from event producer Brian Quintana. As a result, millions of Americans are now trying to stay within 100 feet of Brian Quintana at all times.

Top 5 Ways to Stay 100 Feet Away from Paris Hilton

5) Just stay 100 feet away from any TV or newspaper reporters, and you'll be fine

4) Do something that's sure to frighten Hilton away, like read a book

3) Disguise yourself as Nicole Ritchie

2) Convince her that you've already slept together

1) Offer her something to eat

Cold Fusion Claim
A Purdue University professor claims he achieved cold fusion in his lab two years ago. But other scientists are skeptical of that claim, because if it were true, the oil companies would have killed him and destroyed all his research months ago.

Cheney's Promise
In a recent speech, Vice President Dick Cheney promised that Iran would never get nuclear weapons. He knows that because he's going on a hunting trip with their top physicist next week.

Enron Cross Examination
In the Enron trial, lawyers for Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling tried to destroy the credibility of star government witness Andy Fastow; saying he was "all about greed." That's opposed to Lay and Skilling, who are all about truth, justice, and saving orphaned puppies.

Bad Video
A new survey shows that 91% of women say videos like the "Girls Gone Wild" series perpetuate a negative stereotype of women. And 99% of men say: "That's the point!"

Spring Break Drinking
A new survey shows that 93% of women on spring break say they had friends who drank most days they were on break. And 99% of men say: "That's the point!"

Spring Break Drinking II
A new survey shows that 93% of women on spring break say they had friends who drank most days they were on break. And 99% of men say that's why they go on spring break.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Top 5 Barry Bonds Excuses

5) The bigger boys used to make fun of him in the dugout

4) He injected, drank, and rubbed steroids into his body... but he didn't inhale

3) Having another man inject drugs into his buttocks soothed his inner "Brokeback"

2) Without steroids, he'd have to settle for a measly $10 million-a-year contract

1) It was either take steroids, or end up on the Mets

Bob Woodruff Update
Wounded ABC News anchor Bob Woodruff is slowly recovering and starting to talk. But right wing bloggers are already complaining that the few words Woodruff can say are too liberal.

Bob Woodruff Update II
Wounded ABC News anchor Bob Woodruff is slowly recovering and starting to talk. He can't say much, and it's hard to understand him, but he's already better at communicating than Shepard Smith.

Oscar Gaffe
Philip Seymour Hoffman is apologizing for forgetting to thank his girlfriend in his Oscar speech. Wait; Philip Seymour Hoffman has a girlfriend?

School/TV Report
A new report shows children who watch a lot of television do not develop behavior problems in school. That's because most teachers are a Hell of a lot more entertaining than "Two and a Half Men."

Lesbian King
A lesbian has won the election for homecoming king at a small college in Maryland. It's hard to tell what's more ridiculous; electing a gay woman as a homecoming king, or the fact that there's a college in America that still has a homecoming king.

Rape Report
A new report says a woman is raped every 26 seconds in South Africa. It must really suck to be that woman.

Yanni Arrested
Yanni has been arrested on domestic violence charges. His girlfriend says he grabbed her arms, jumped on top of her, and made her listen to his last 3 CD's.

Monday, March 06, 2006

You can get Jake's Comedy Corner sent to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to

Macaulay's World
In an interview in Time Magazine, actor Macaulay Culkin says he is struggling to find work now that he is an adult. He also says that his friend Michael Jackson barely talks to him anymore, now that he is an adult.

Wal-Mart Morning After
Wal-Mart said it will reverse its earlier policy and stock emergency contraception pills in all of its pharmacies. This after it found it was unable to make much of a profit on the unwanted babies that usually fill most of its stores.

Abortion Notification
A new report shows laws requiring minors to get parental permission before
getting an abortion don't produce drops in teenage abortion rates after all. That's because no one wants to be a grandparent and have a teenage kid at the same time!

Helpful Babies
A new study shows babies as young as 18 months old can tell when adults need assistance and will often do their best to help... unless they are Republicans and the adults around them are hurricane victims.

Ma Bell Returns?
Experts are calling AT&T's decision to buy BellSouth the "return of Ma Bell" and a "mother and child reunion." But that metaphor only works if you're talking about a mother who's a trillion dollars in debt and addicted to cell phone crack.

South Dakota Abortions
South Dakota has just banned all abortions. Great, like it wasn't hard enough to get laid in that state already!

South Dakota Abortions
South Dakota has just banned all abortions. The law makes no exceptions in cases of rape, incest or when a drunken ranch hand impregnates a cow.

Campus Recruitment
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that universities that get federal aid must allow military recruiters on campus, even if they oppose Pentagon policies. The court also ruled the military must continue to take smart-ass college kids who are only interested in joining because they've got 100 grand in tuition debt.

Campus Recruitment II
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that universities that get federal aid must allow military recruiters on campus, even if they oppose Pentagon policies. The decision is a huge victory for the military, and every single campus protest leader who wouldn't have anything to do if it weren't for the military showing up on campus.

Campus Recruitment III
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that universities that get federal aid must allow military recruiters on campus, even if they oppose Pentagon policies. To make up for the loss of funds, ultra-liberal American colleges are now going to have to charge an outrageous $40,000 in annual tuition... oh wait, they do that already!

Gay Rabbis
The Conservative branch of Judaism is considering ending its ban on gay Rabbis. Wait; there are Conservative Rabbis who aren't gay?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Oscar Night
Tonight is Oscar night in Hollywood… better known as the “Democratic National Convention.”

Oscar Night Questions
This Oscar night, there are lots of questions to be answered. Which movie will win best picture? Which winning actor will give the best speech? And which gay movie will be the one to finally give Pat Robertson a stroke?

Oscar Night Questions II
This Oscar night, there are lots of questions to be answered. Which movie will win best picture? Which winning actor will give the best speech? And which face will Joan Rivers wear this year?

AT&T-BellSouth Deal
AT&T has agreed to buy BellSouth for $67 billion… but with taxes, fees, and 9-1-1 surcharges, that’s gonna come to about $85 billion.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Bush on Pakistan
President Bush says he will not offer Pakistan the same kind of nuclear power cooperation deal he gave India. Well, at least not until Pakistan gets some better lobbyists.

Saving Survey
A new study shows that citizens of Western European countries are able to save so much of their incomes because they get free health care from their governments, free educations from their universities, and a free pass on defending themselves from the U.S. military.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Mississippi Abortion Law
Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour says he will sign a bill enforcing a ban on almost all abortions in the state. But you can still kill your baby in Mississippi by relying on the state government to protect you in a hurricane.

Cell Phone Bandit Sentenced
The woman who robbed four banks while talking on her cell phone has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. That was the more lenient sentence; the more severe option was to stick her in room full of people yaking on their cell phones for 20 minutes.

Bush on Outsourcing
While visiting India, President Bush defended outsourcing. Not because it's good for the economy, but because he'll have to move to a foreign country if he ever wants to work again after he leaves office.

You can get Jake's Comedy Corner sent to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to

Domino Town
Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan is building a new town in Florida where he hopes to enforce his religious beliefs. The area will have no place to get an abortion, birth control, or a nutritious meal.

Domino Town II
Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan is building a new town in Florida based on his Catholic beliefs. Families are being wooed to the town with promises of excellent schools, clean businesses, and the fact that for every medium-sized house they buy, they'll get one of equal or lesser value absolutely free.

Lohan Miscue
While appearing at a L.A. fashion show, Lindsay Lohan's breast slipped out of her dress. Well, that's what everyone was there to see anyway.

Port Poll
66% of Americans say they're opposed to a company from Dubai buying control of U.S. ports. And 100% of Americans have no idea where or what Dubai is.

Israeli Thumbs Up
An Israeli shipping company is actually supporting Dubai's bid to buy U.S. ports, saying it does business with the Arab country all the time. So now the deal is saved, but everyone in Dubai's government is about to get killed.

India Nukes
President Bush admits it will be difficult to persuade Congress to support his plan to share U.S. nuclear know-how and fuel with India... that's because Congress is currently too busy collecting bribes from Dubai.

Pakistan Attack
Despite a suicide car bomber attacking in Pakistan, President Bush says "terrorists and killers" would not alter his plans to visit the country. Yeah, the only people who can alter his plans are lobbyists and corporate executives.

Clinton vs. Clinton
Bill Clinton has privately advised Dubai officials on how to address concerns over their controversial ports deal, despite his wife, Senator Hillary Clinton, publicly attacking the deal. Of course, this is the very, very first time Bill has done something without Hillary knowing about it.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Katrina Video
A new video shows President Bush seemed to be unconcerned and distant as disaster experts warned him about Hurricane Katrina. The White House is defending the president, explaining that Mr. Bush thought it was a briefing about Iraq.

Top 5 Real Reasons President Bush Wasn't Paying Attention to Katrina Warnings

5) "The Dukes of Hazzard" marathon was playing on Spike TV

4) Dick Cheney was standing nearby... with a shotgun

3) He didn't see how the storm affected gay marriage

2) He really can't concentrate with his favorite teddy bear

1) Why listen? He'd already been re-elected!

Surprise Visit
President Bush made an unannounced visit to Afghanistan Wednesday. It was either go there or show up in New Orleans... and it was safer for him in Afghanistan.

India Protests
Tens of thousands of Indians rallied Wednesday in New Delhi to protest President Bush's visit to the country... mostly because he reminds them of all the annoying Americans who call them at all hours with stupid computer questions.

Simpsons vs. Bill of Rights
A new poll shows that more than 50 percent of Americans know more about "The Simpsons" than their First Amendment rights. Luckily, most of what is said on "The Simpsons" is a great example of First Amendment protections.

Cheney Polls
According to a recent poll, Vice President Dick Cheney's approval rating is down to 18% among American voters. But his approval rating has soared to 95% among American quail.

Tax Plan
The good news is the Bush administration members of Congress are hoping to use the roughly $345 billion in unpaid taxes to wipe out the federal deficit. The bad news is that most of the unpaid taxes are owed by Halliburton and Enron.

Sexual Harassment
A phone repair worker who is in transition from male to female, says she's been repeatedly harassed by transit police officers at Grand Central Station. But it's not clear if they were harassing him because of his transexuality or because he works for the phone company.