Mike Wallace Retires
Mike Wallace is finally retiring from "60 Minutes." At 87-years-old, Wallace is just too young to relate to most of the show's viewers.

Top 5 Real Reasons Mike Wallace is Retiring

5) He can't do a show that starts after his bedtime

4) The CBS health plan no longer pays for Viagra

3) 38 years, and Morley Safer still won't answer any of his love letters

2) Former Presidents used to just ignore his tough questions; this one doesn't understand them

1) One more year and he was going to take a sledgehammer to that damned stopwatch!

Divorce Reasons
Yet another new study suggests that most couples break up over money, not infidelity. That makes sense; my wife left me because I was spending too much money on hookers.

More on Claude Allen...

Allen was originally a Democrat, but he switched to the GOP when he realized that each and every one of the nation’s 12 conservative black Republicans all hold high office.

Allen is accused of taking refunds for items selling for as little as $2.50… shocking and outraging his mentors in the Bush administration who thought his years of rubbing elbows with the Halliburton guys would have taught him a little more about fraud.

Allen apparently took refunds for items he didn’t really buy. Of course, finding ways of getting something for nothing was a big part of his job in the White House when he defended upper class tax cuts.

President Bush twice nominated Allen for federal judgeships, but he was never confirmed. Apparently, Senate Democrats were a little put off when Allen offered to reward each “yes” vote with a “slightly-used” microwave oven and a Bose home theater system.

And Slobodan Milosevic...

Milosevic’s death serves as a reminder of the deadly war between Serbia and Bosnia. And it also harks back to a more innocent time when Americans thought it was wrong to kill Muslims.

Milosevic was able to systematically kill hundreds of thousands of people, all under the noses of U.N. forces who never really followed through on threats to stop him… and still those guys probably wouldn’t have screwed up Iraq as bad as we did!