Top 5 Barry Bonds Excuses

5) The bigger boys used to make fun of him in the dugout

4) He injected, drank, and rubbed steroids into his body... but he didn't inhale

3) Having another man inject drugs into his buttocks soothed his inner "Brokeback"

2) Without steroids, he'd have to settle for a measly $10 million-a-year contract

1) It was either take steroids, or end up on the Mets

Bob Woodruff Update
Wounded ABC News anchor Bob Woodruff is slowly recovering and starting to talk. But right wing bloggers are already complaining that the few words Woodruff can say are too liberal.

Bob Woodruff Update II
Wounded ABC News anchor Bob Woodruff is slowly recovering and starting to talk. He can't say much, and it's hard to understand him, but he's already better at communicating than Shepard Smith.

Oscar Gaffe
Philip Seymour Hoffman is apologizing for forgetting to thank his girlfriend in his Oscar speech. Wait; Philip Seymour Hoffman has a girlfriend?

School/TV Report
A new report shows children who watch a lot of television do not develop behavior problems in school. That's because most teachers are a Hell of a lot more entertaining than "Two and a Half Men."

Lesbian King
A lesbian has won the election for homecoming king at a small college in Maryland. It's hard to tell what's more ridiculous; electing a gay woman as a homecoming king, or the fact that there's a college in America that still has a homecoming king.

Rape Report
A new report says a woman is raped every 26 seconds in South Africa. It must really suck to be that woman.

Yanni Arrested
Yanni has been arrested on domestic violence charges. His girlfriend says he grabbed her arms, jumped on top of her, and made her listen to his last 3 CD's.