Top 5 Wolf Blitzer Complaints

5) Jack Cafferty keeps beating him up and stealing his lunch money

4) CNN only lets him work 7 days a week

3) None of the makeup ladies really does a good job trimming his beard

2) Anderson Cooper keeps inviting him over to watch "Brokeback Mountain"

1) 500 TV screens in the Situation Room, and not one of them gets the Playboy Channel!

Dubai Down
The good news is Dubai has just agreed to hand over port security to an entirely U.S-controlled company. The bad news is that company is American Airlines.

Abu Ghraib Closing
The good news for Iraqis is the U.S. is going to close the notorious Abu Ghraib prison. The bad news is we're replacing it with a Starbucks.

NASA Bombshell
NASA says it has evidence of possible life on Saturn. Every time Congress threatens to cut its funding, NASA either comes out with a report like this or another Osama bin Laden audiotape.

NASA Bombshell II
NASA says it has evidence of possible life on Saturn. But if that isn't enough to make sure it keeps its government funding, NASA's gonna launch a new probe to find William Shatner's original hair.

Cigarette Smoking Down
A new report says Americans are smoking fewer cigarettes than they have in 55 years. That's because now it takes about 55 years to find a place in America where you can smoke a cigarette.

Cigarette Smoking Down II
A new report says Americans are smoking fewer cigarettes than they have in 55 years. That's because now it takes about 55 years to save enough money to afford a pack of cigarettes.

Arizona Border Guards
The governor of Arizona has ordered more national guard troops to the state border with Mexico to cut down on illegal immigration and to stop a coyote infestation. Apparently, American coyotes are sick and tired of illegal Mexican coyotes streaming over the border and killing rabbits for half the pay!

WBC Shocker
The U.S. was shocked by Canada in the World Baseball Classic Wednesday. The American players are complaining the Canadians had an unfair edge because of their country's free prescription steroid drug plan.

Harrison Proposes
Harrison Ford proposed to longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart over coffee and croissants this morning. Good move... if Calista is actually willing to eat something, she'll probably say yes to anything!