Wednesday, March 22, 2006

GM Buyouts
GM is offering its employees $140,000 each to leave the company. If they own GM SUV's, that ought to cover about three months worth of gas.

GM Buyouts II
GM is offering its factory employees $140,000 each to leave the company... or about 1% of what it pays its failed executives to leave the company.

Park Coyote
New York City workers have finally captured a coyote that was roaming Central Park for the last few days. The coyote is relieved; it was mugged three times last night alone.

Park Coyote II
New York City workers have finally found a coyote that was roaming Central Park for the last few days. But there's little chance they'll ever find the animal's missing wallet and credit cards.

Soriano Woes
Washington Nationals star Alfonso Soriano is refusing to play left field. He knows what he's doing; no one on the Left has succeeded in Washington in 10 years.

Going Out of Business
A Catholic adoption agency that accidentally gave a baby to an gay couple has shut its doors for good rather than make that mistake again. So, they're throwing the babies out with the perfumed bathwater.

Top 10 Reasons Not to be an Actor

10) Your drama class never covered the essential skills... like how to bus tables

9) If what you really love is appearing before large crowds and pretending to be someone you're not... it's a lot easier to run for Congress

8) Your agent keeps getting you auditions for tampon commercials... and you're a man

7) Your drama coach only teaches his students "the method" approach to acting... for porn films

6) You can cry on cue... but you can't stop

5) Take a good look at your parents' basement; because you'll be living there when you're 40

4) Those breathing exercises really aggravate your asthma

3) If you wanted to wear a leotard, you'd be a dancer

2) You're turned off by rampant drug use, sexual harassment, and risk... oh wait, those are the reasons not to work on Wall Street

1) If you don't get work, you won't eat. If you do get work, you can't eat.

Afghan Death Sentence?
An Afghan man who converted to Christianity faces the death penalty in Kabul. In America, people who convert to Christianity are usually just punished by being ridiculed on TV and in the movies.

Bush Denial
President Bush continues to deny signs of a civil war in Iraq... but luckily, his economic and religious policies prove he's well aware of the civil war going on right here in America.

Iraq Attack
Insurgents attacked the mayor's office and the police station in the Iraqi city of Madain Wednesday... proving once again that in Iraq you can't fight city hall, but you can blow it up.

NYPD Expansion
The NYPD plans to add 800 new cops to the police force in the coming months. But with a starting salary of $25,000-per-year, they'll mostly be hiring illegal immigrants.

Allawi Retracts
Former Iraqi prime minister Ayad Allawi now says he doesn't think Iraq is in a civil war after all... so I guess his monthly check from the CIA finally cleared.

Suspicious Package
A suspicious package was been found today on the White House lawn. Given this administration, it was thought to be suspicious because it was a budget-cutting package.

Package-Opening Robot
A robot safely opened that suspicious package on the White House lawn... is there anything Scott McClellan can't do?


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