Friday, January 30, 2004

Super Bowl Coach
The New England Patriots are favored to win the Super Bowl mostly because of coach Bill Belichick, who began learning football before he learned how to read. This helps him with most NFL players - who still can't read.

Teen Curfews
More and more cities are instituting a 10:30 PM curfew for everyone younger than 18. Experts say keeping teens indoors at night is the only way to make the streets safe for adults.

Lindros Concussions
Doctors are telling New York Rangers star Eric Lindros to retire after he suffered his eighth concussion this week. The only trouble is, after getting eight concussions, the only job Lindros is qualified for now is coaching the New York Rangers.

Georgia Schools
Georgia's public schools are banning the word "evolution" from school textbooks. The state insists it not a concession to religious fundamentalists, it's just because no one in Georgia can pronounce the word properly.

Colorado Sex
The University of Colorado is accused of using sex parties to lure top athletes. But experts say sex in Colorado isn't exactly something that makes athletes want to come back... just ask Kobe Bryant.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" section of Newsday today! See the link: Newsday

Hezbollah Release
Israel is releasing 400 Hezbollah members today. Which means that after several years in jail without even seeing a woman, the men are now back home... where they hope to spend the next several years without even seeing a woman.

Bowflex Recall
Makers of the Bowflex weight machine say they've found a defect that could lead to injury. Of course, only people who use the Bowflex to actually exercise should be concerned, the other 99% who use their Bowflex as a place to hang their dirty laundry are not in any danger.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Berry Injury
Actress Halle Berry was injured after getting hit by a microphone on the set of "Catwoman" this week. Berry's fans are shocked by the news, especially since Berry hadn't been dating the microphone for more than a few days.

"Nemo Effect"
The popularity of Disney's "Finding Nemo" is boosting attendance at the nation's aquariums. And in an even more widespread trend, the horse racing film "Seabiscuit" has been attracting a slightly higher class of low-life to OTB.

School's Out
Snow in New York is forcing the closure of the city's public schools, cheering millions of students. Now the kids won't have to worry about keeping their guns warm.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Primary Day
It's a big day for the voting process in America as the nation finally learns some results after millions of dollars of spending, lots of phony promises, and months of cut-throat politics... but enough about the Oscar nominations.

Dixville-Notch Results
As usual, the tiny community of Dixville Notch voted first in the primary, giving 8 votes to Wesley Clark, 3 votes to John Kerry, and 1 vote to Joe Lieberman. Experts say the results were predictable; Clark won because he was the only candidate to visit the town, Kerry came in second because he is from New England, and Lieberman got 100% of the Jewish vote.

New Hampshire Turnout
Experts are predicting strong voter turnout in New Hampshire today despite cold weather. That's because everyone in the state knows that the sooner they vote, the sooner the politicians and reporters will leave them alone.

Monday, January 26, 2004

NYT Correction
Correcting a story from last week, The New York Times says it meant to write that an Israeli soldier served on the West Bank not the Left Bank. The correction is disappointing millions of Israelis who had hoped their country was finally attacking France.

Long John Silver's Offer
The Long John Silver's Restaurant chain announced today that it will give out free orders of Giant Shrimp if NASA's Mars Rover finds conclusive evidence of an ocean on Mars by next month. Of course to take advantage of the offer, diners will have to succeed in the slightly more challenging task of finding a Long John Silver's.

Cardinal Comment
The Roman Catholic Cardinal of Belgium is in hot water for saying that "90% of homosexuals are perverts." Experts say he could have avoided controversy if he had admitted that the other 10% are Cardinals.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Bennifer Break
After announcing Jennifer Lopez's break-up with Ben Affleck, the actress's spokesman asked Americans to leave her alone and "respect her privacy." In response, Americans are asking Lopez to stop making movies and respect their intelligence.

Vatican Restatement
The Vatican is clarifying what appeared to be a Papal endorsement of Mel Gibson's new film, "The Passion." The Pope's spokesmen now say that when the Holy Father said the movie was an excruciatingly accurate portrayal of a crucifixion, the Gibson film he was referring to was "What Women Want."

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Newsday Alert!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" section of Newsday today. Here's the link: Newsday

Hiking Magazine Error
The latest edition of Britain's Trail Magazine mistakenly published a mountain hiking route that would lead hikers straight off the edge of a cliff. The article is required reading for Howard Dean's campaign staff.

Post-Iowa Fund Raising
After their strong showings in Iowa, the Kerry and Edwards campaigns have seen fund-raising gains. John Kerry has collected more than $300,000 since Monday, Edwards has drawn about $250,000, and Howard Dean has brought in $200,000 but he's had to spend it all on Prozac.

Voting Study
A new study shows that single people are more likely to vote than married people. Experts say that's because single people just aren't as used to getting screwed.

Cuba Internet
Fidel Castro is imposing strict restrictions on Cubans who want to surf the internet or buy a computer. It's not that Castro is afraid of the spread of free information, but because too many Cubans are using their empty computer boxes to make boats.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

State of the Union
There was a mixed reaction in the House Chamber when President Bush announced his plan to defend heterosexual marriage. Most Republicans stood and applauded, most Democrats sat quietly, and Dick Cheney and Dennis Hastert stopped holding hands.

State of the Union II
Mr. Bush also promised funding to promote sexual abstinence among teenagers and increased financing for teen drug testing. If approved, the programs would mean the end of the NBA.

The U.S. Court of Appeals is barring the KKK from marching in costume in New York City, citing a state law that bans people from wearing masks in public for anything other than entertainment purposes. But for New Yorkers, seeing a bunch of White supremacists trying to march down a street in Harlem really IS entertainment.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Kerry Wins
After winning the Iowa Caucuses, John Kerry thanked his supporters for "sending him to the Super Bowl." Of course presidential campaigns are a lot like the Super Bowl; they're the two best places to find drunk men, crazed fanatics, and corporate sponsors.

Bush on Marriage
Insiders say President Bush will speak out against Gay marriage in tonight's State of the Union Address, mostly to distract conservatives who are angry about rising levels of federal spending. But experts say if Bush wants to cut down on frivolous spending, he should try to ban ALL marriages.

Stewart Poll
As her trial begins, a new poll shows that only 27% of those asked would find Martha Stewart guilty of insider trading. The other 73% would just like to beat her senseless.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Science Study
A new study shows that men still dominate university professorships at America's top science schools. Experts say the situation discourages women from taking science classes and more seriously, leaves the nation filled with science geeks who don't know how to talk to girls.

Amish Reality Show
The UPN television network is preparing a reality series that follows Amish teenagers having their first experiences with modern conveniences and outside society. Of course there already is a place where people can watch teens facing their first experiences with modern conveniences and outside society, it's called the NBA.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Tight Race
Commenting on the latest close polls in Iowa, Senator John Edwards says, "We're all so packed together now there is almost no difference between us." Edwards's comment isn't exciting voters very much, but it is convincing Congressman Barney Frank to get into the race.

Investing in Harvard
The IRS will now allow people to invest in Harvard University's endowment fund virtually tax free. Top things investors should expect from the fund:

-Fund will rise every time a student with perfect SAT's applies to the college

-BUT the fund will fall every time another Kennedy family member applies to the college

-Fund will rise every time Harvard is mentioned in US News and World Report

-BUT the fund will fall every time the Harvard is mentioned in Sports Illustrated

-Fund will rise every time Harvard alum Bill Gates makes a new product

-BUT fund will fall every time Harvard alum Mira Sorvino makes a new movie

-Fund will rise every time economists at Harvard Business School construct a new stock trading system

-BUT fund will fall every time the smarter folks at MIT hack into that system

Football Case
Two high school football players from Long Island were sentenced to four months in a juvenile center for torturing their younger teammates last summer. Legal experts say this should lead to heavy sentences for the Jets and Giants, who tortured their fans all year.

PMS Detector
A California inventor has created a method that helps a woman pinpoint the moment in her cycle when PMS is the worst... it's called "ask her husband."

NBC Schedule
NBC will launch its fall season three weeks early, right after its Summer Olympics coverage. The network hopes to compel viewers first by giving them the world's greatest athletes competing after a lifetime of training, and then showing them a bunch of dopes achieve the same fame in three seconds just for puking on "Fear Factor."

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Drug Testing
The federal government says it will now test employee sweat for traces of illegal drugs. But the process is not expected to work, since no federal worker has been seen sweating on the job in 65 years.

Bogus Al Qaeda Reports
The FBI says it continues to get bogus phone calls accusing several people of being members of Al Qaeda. But experts say the only way to cut down on the phony reports is for the Bureau to stop taking calls from the White House.

Lopez Parties
Jennifer Lopez set off speculation this week when she was seen partying with her ex-boyfriend P. Diddy in Miami, while Ben Affleck was in Europe promoting his new movie. But experts say that just like the rest of us, Lopez gets an urge to celebrate every time Affleck leaves the country.

Broke PA
The Palestinian Authority is going broke and may not be able to pay its 125,000 workers, even though Yassir Arafat has amassed a $300 million fortune. But Arafat says he won't pay any salaries with his own money, because otherwise no one would opt for the Authority's popular suicide bomber/early retirement program.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Clemens to Houston
Top reasons why Roger Clemens decided to come out of retirement and join the Houston Astros:

-Still some parts of Mike Piazza he hasn't beaned

-Couldn't find another job where spitting in public was

-In the National League he'll have to hit, which means he can
throw BATS at opposing players too!

-Now he'll be able to rip the Red Sox hearts out by beating them
in the World Series too

- You know without an athletic supporter in your pants, most guys
just don't look that impressive anymore

Public School Maternity Leave
A new policy allows New York City high school and middle school moms to take a two-month excused absence from their classes. Experts say they'll need at least that much time to make all the requisite appearances on the Maury Povich Show.

Taboo Closes
The Broadway show "Taboo," about Boy George and club scene is closing after just 3 months. Now if New Yorkers want to see a bunch of men running around in outrageous outfits they'll just have to watch the Knicks.

NJ Blueberries
Earlier this week, New Jersey selected the blueberry as the official state fruit. The move is confusing millions who thought it was Nathan Lane.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

O'Neil Case
The White House is looking to prosecute former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil for possibly leaking a secret documents after he said President Bush was "disengaged and uninformed." Memo to the White House: that's not really a secret.

Church Campaign
Boston Archbishop Sean O'Malley is urging Catholic legal professionals to use their profession to defend heterosexual marriage. The lawyers and judges say they'd be happy to help, but they're too busy defending the Church against child molestation cases to do anything else right now.

Dean's Cabinet
Howard Dean is being attacked for never having a Black or Hispanic cabinet member in his 12 years as governor of Vermont. But Dean did hire 3 guys who don't shop at L.L. bean.

Comedy News
A new study shows that more young adults are using late-night comedy shows as their primary vehicle for getting news. CNN is responding to the report by assuring the public that it can't make Paula Zahn any more laughable than she already is.

Wal-Mart Child Labor
Wal-Mart is being investigated for a slew of possible child labor violations. But Wal-Mart is defending the practice, reminding everyone that the kids were actually in management positions, overseeing thousands of illegal aliens.

Health Discovery
Researchers have found a compound that blocks the production of excessive mucus and saliva. While this could lead to better treatments for asthma and bronchitis, it could also mean the end of Major League Baseball.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I had TWO jokes in in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday! Here's the link:

Illegal Immigration Push
President Bush is working hard to win over his fellow Republicans as he pushes for his new illegal immigrant amnesty program. But the administration doesn't have to convince Rush Limbaugh, who employs dozens of illegals just to pick up his prescriptions.

A&M Admissions
Civil rights groups are urging Texas A&M University to stop giving preferential treatment to the children of alumni in its admissions policy. Activists say sending more than one person from the same family to A&M really is a crime against humanity.

Peterson Change of Venue
Scott Peterson's lawyer Mark Geragos wants a change of venue in his client's murder trial, saying he knows the perfect place were people don't listen to the media, don't believe everything prosecutors say, and don't believe rumors and innuendo... the only problem is there is no court house at the Neverland Ranch.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Illegal Immigrants
President Bush wants to allow illegal immigrants to join a new temporary worker program and not lose their jobs. Of course, Bush identifies with the immigrants because he also holds his job illegally, doesn't speak English well, and works at the whim of greedy corporations.

Illegal Immigrants II
To avoid deportations, the administration says employers will have to show they hired the illegal immigrants because they could not find capable U.S. citizens to fill their jobs. That means the only institution eligible to take part in the program is the U.S. Congress.

11-year old Drug Dealer
Florida police have arrested an 11-year-old girl who sold prescription drugs and heroin in front of her home. Her parents deny they were putting her in danger since her only regular customer was Rush Limbaugh.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Church Study
A new study has good news for Catholic Bishops trying to stop sexual abuse in the Church. According to the audit released today, the Church is finally facing fewer abuse complaints than Michael Jackson.

Mad Cow Lunches
More people are worrying about all the beef being served to American kids in public school lunches. But doctors say parents have no need to be concerned, because the high-fat, high-sugar content in those lunches will surely kill their children well before Mad Cow Disease has a chance to set in.

Afghan Constitution
Afghanistan has approved a new constitution. Experts believe the document's strongest point is the creation of a strong presidential figure who will ensure that millions of Afghans will become united in a new single purpose - assassinating the president.

Osama Tape
Another audio tape supposedly from Osama Bin Laden surfaced this weekend, with the Al Qaeda leader referring to the capture of Saddam Hussein, who he calls "a hireling of America." Well, at least Osama knows how hard it is for us to get good help nowadays.

Doggy Shrink
England's Princess Anne will send her dog to an animal psychologist after it attacked a maid and mauled one of the Queen's corgis last month. It's hoped the move will produce better results than Prince Charles' recent decision to send Camilla Parker Bowles to the dentist.

Massachusetts Booze
A new state law in Massachusetts legalizes liquor sales after noon on Sundays, but only in communities that have approved the option. Everyone else will just have to keep going to Ted Kennedy's house.

Monday, January 05, 2004

Britney Married
Pop star Britney Spears married childhood friend Jason Allen Alexander in Las Vegas this weekend, but the marriage is being annulled. Alexander decided to call it all off when he realized you don't have to get married to sleep with a young pop star, you just have to buy Christina Aguilera a drink.

Rose Admission
Pete Rose is finally admitting he regularly bet on baseball and kept making stupid decisions because he didn't think he'd get caught. This means if Rose is reinstated by Major League Baseball the only job he's qualified for is managing the Mets.

Mars Pictures
Pictures of the breathtaking landscape on Mars are being beamed to Earth by NASA's robot explorer, proving the planet is not just a vast wasteland. It's crushing news for the residents of Utica, NY, who had hoped to see evidence of at least one place in the Universe more desolate than their town.

Soft Drink Ban
The American Academy of Pediatrics says soft drinks should be eliminated from schools to help tackle the nation's obesity epidemic. The doctors say the drinks should be replaced in vending machines with items the kids really need to survive in the schools these days - guns and ammunition.

New Visa Requirement
As part of a new policy, the Department of Homeland Security is now fingerprinting and photographing most visitors to the United States. It's a job New York's Taxi and Limousine commission has had to do on its own for decades.

College Football Championship
LSU and USC will be forced to share college football's national championship because of the flawed BCS system. But this is all good news for thousands of serious high school seniors who actually want to learn something in college, since now they can eliminate not one, but two schools from consideration.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Murder City
Chicago logged the most homicides of any major city in 2003, making it the new murder capital of the U.S. But dismayed New Yorkers are vowing to work harder to regain the title in 2004.

Flier's Luck
A woman who suffered a heart attack aboard a flight to Florida this week was lucky enough to be on a plane with 15 American heart specialists, all bound for a medical conference. Unfortunately, there were no insurance adjusters aboard to provide the proper paperwork, so none of the doctors was able to help her.

Crazed Passenger
The FBI says a man who became unruly on a Northwest Airlines flight from Detroit to Honolulu yesterday had to be subdued by the flight crew. The incident is seen as extremely strange because usually passengers only get desperate and unruly on the return flight from Hawaii to Detroit.

Biker Proposal
A North Carolina man who barely survived being impaled on his bike's handlebars, proposed to his girlfriend at the hospital when he regained consciousness this week. After surviving the excruciating pain of hot metal tearing through his body, he realized he really was ready for marriage.