Sunday, February 27, 2011

Oscar Winners
"The King's Speech" won the Best Picture Oscar and three other Academy Awards. But most movie fans are awaiting the 3D version.

Gates vs. Teachers Unions
In a new editorial in the Washington Post, Bill Gates bashes teacher seniority... and all the teachers who didn't intervene when he was beated up every day in high school.

The bad news is that JPMorgan Chase has bought a stake in Twitter. The good news is that the bank's earnings reports will now be 140 characters or less.

Parker Leaves
Kathleen Parker has left the CNN show "Parker/Spitzer." CNN has decided to make the show less confrontational by replacing Parker with Charlie Sheen.

Moon over Hollywood
The Middle East is falling apart, but UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon spent the weekend in Los Angeles asking Hollywood to do even more to advance the green agenda. It's an outrageous fact, especially when everyone knows the Moon should have been demanding some real nude scenes with Scarlett Johansson.

February 28th

1928: C.V. Raman discovers the "Raman Effect," which apparently has something to do with what happens to broke college students who eat noodles three meals a day.

1940: Basketball is televised for the first time, allowing dozens of illegitimate children to finally see their deadbeat dads.

1953: James D. Watson and Francis Crick announce to friends that they have determined the chemical structure of DNA... and found the cutest design for their new bedroom complete with paisley throw pillows.

February 27th

1844: The Dominican Republic gains independence from Haiti, finally giving it the freedom to cultivate an entire nation of utility infielders.

1939: The U.S. Supreme Court rules that sit-down strikes violate property owners' rights and are therefore illegal. Organized labor blames the ruling on the as-yet unborn Koch brothers.

1964: The government of Italy asks for help to keep the Leaning Tower of Pisa from toppling over. The Tower immediately gets international advice telling it to stop drinking.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

February 26th

1848: The Second French Republic is proclaimed. It smells just as bad as the first.

1952: British Prime Minister Winston Churchill announces that his nation has an atomic bomb... they just can't remember where they left it.

1971: U.N. Secretary General U Thant signs a proclamation establishing Earth Day... then gets back to blaming everything on Israel.

Friday, February 25, 2011

February 25th

138: The Emperor Hadrian adopts Antoninus Pius, effectively making him his successor… and his lover.

1948: The Communist Party of Czechoslovakia takes control of government, based on the indisputable fact that it is the only party that can correctly spell “Czechoslovakia.”

1986: President Ferdinand Marcos flees the Philippines after 20 years of rule. He escapes by burying himself in a mountain of wife Imelda’s shoes.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Geithner on Gas
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner says the U.S. economy can handle the spike in oil prices. He figures any money we lose at the gas pump we can just get back by not paying our taxes.

Gay Marriage Decision
President Obama says he will no longer back the anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act. This comes two years after he decided to stop backing the defense of the United States.

Assange Ruling
A British judge says WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange can be extradited to Sweden... which means it's about to become a lot safer for women in Britain to go outdoors.

Libya Latest
The latest reports show opposition forces in Libya have taken control of key cities in the eastern and western regions of the country. But Qadaffi still has an iron grip over the nation's valuable reserves of overpriced Eurotrash sun glasses.

Illinois Bonds
Illinois shocked the investment world yesterday when it found enough lenders to auction off $3.7 billion in bonds. Of course the state already gets millions of dollars from people with no hope of getting their money's worth every year... they're called Cubs fans.

February 24th

303: Diocletian, Roman Emperor, publishes his edict that begins the persecution of Christians in his portion of the Empire. The rest of the Empire is too reliant on NASCAR to risk that.

1582: Pope Gregory XIII announces the Gregorian calendar… which consists of 12 hot pictures of Pope Gregory XIII.

2007: Japan launches its fourth spy satellite. The first three were eaten by Godzilla.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Wisconsin Reading
Two-thirds of Wisconsin public-school 8th graders can’t read proficiently. The other third are too busy correcting the spelling on the union teachers' protest signs.

Indy Dems Duck
Indiana's Democrats are still hiding out of state. They're trying to block a right to work bill... and spend the winter somewhere other than Indiana.

Apple Meeting
Apple's shareholder meeting is today. The highlight will be the Q&A session with Steve Jobs' pancreas.

Cell Phone Study
A new study shows that talking on a cell phone for more than 45 minutes at a time changes brain activity... especially after you get punched in the face by the guy next to you on the bus for talking on a cell phone for 45 minutes.

$5 Gas??
Americans are now living in fear of $5 per gallon gasoline. On the other hand, those kinds of prices could keep Lindsay Lohan off the road.

February 23rd

1883: Alabama becomes the first U.S. state to enact an antitrust law. And since then, no one has trusted anyone from the state of Alabama.

1954: The first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk vaccine begins in Pittsburgh. Everyone chooses to get inoculated because Jenny McCarthy’s breasts hadn’t developed yet.

1974: The Symbionese Liberation Army demands $4 million more to release kidnap victim Patty Hearst… and for $5 million, they were willing to throw in Nipsy Russell.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Libya Chaos
Witnesses say the streets of Tripoli are littered with bodies and debris. It's the worst anyone's ever seen since Charlie Sheen's last party.

Polls on Wisconsin
A new poll shows that 48% of Americans support Wisconsin Governor Walker in his battle against the union, 38% oppose him, and the other 14% think this is about Packers tickets.

Chicago Mayor's Race
Rahm Emanuel is expected to win Chicago's Mayoral election today. If he doesn't, he'll kill all the dead people who don't vote for him.

Cleveland Trip
President Obama is in Cleveland today to attend a forum on that city's small business... otherwise known as a good cry.

Barbour on Plates
Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour won't back plans to make license plates with Confederate symbols. Mostly because everyone knows the Civil War was won by NASCAR.

February 22nd

1495: King Charles VIII of France enters Naples to claim the city's throne… and try that chocolate, vanilla and strawberry ice cream he had heard so much about.

1879: In Utica, New York, Frank Woolworth opens the first of many of 5 and dime Woolworth stores. The store actually only sells 5’s and dimes.

1997: In Roslin, Scotland, scientists announce that an adult sheep named Dolly had been successfully cloned just in time for several fraternity initiations later that spring.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Libya Chaos
Protesters in Libya have taken over one city and are moving to control even more. It's so chaotic, the Libyan government is too distracted to carry out this week's planned terrorist fantasy league draft.

Train to the Plane
Illinois Governor Pat Quinn wants to spend billions to set up Amtrak service from downtown Chicago to O'Hare airport. That would come in handy when Quinn needs to escape the state after it goes completely bankrupt.

Daytona Winner
20-year-old rookie Trevor Bayne won the Daytona 500 Sunday. Wait until he finds out the race was not a video game.

New ER Rules
Arizona may now require emergency room nurses to ask patients about their immigration status. Usually, they just ask them if they have any spare pot or meth to share.

Cop Cuts
A new report says the San Francisco Police Department may lose 500 cops to budget cuts... and 600 cops to Dunkin' Donuts.

February 21st

1848: Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish the Communist Manifesto… also known as every liberal arts professor’s dissertation for the last 163 year.

1937: The League of Nations bans foreign national "volunteers" in the Spanish Civil War, sadly giving Ernest Hemingway more time to write stuff.

1965: Malcolm X is assassinated at the Audubon Ballroom in New York City, giving the throne to his son Malcolm XI.

February 20th

1547: Edward VI of England is crowned King of England at Westminster Abbey, embarrassing thousands of loyal subjects who thought the ceremony was being held at Temple Beth Israel.

1792: The Postal Service Act, establishing the United States Post Office Department, is signed by President George Washington. But it takes six more months to enact the plan because it got lost in the mail.

1962: While aboard Friendship 7, John Glenn becomes the first American to orbit the earth, making three orbits in 4 hours, 55 minutes… or about the time it currently takes to get through security at JFK.

February 19th

1847: The first group of rescuers reaches the Donner Party… they were delicious.

1861: Serfdom is abolished in Russia. It resurfaces 100 years later at Walmart.

1949: Ezra Pound is awarded the first Bollingen Prize in poetry by Yale University and the Yale University wing of the Nazi Party.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

It turns out President Obama is personally helping to organize the labor protests in Wisconsin that have effectively shut down the state. Next week, the leader of the free worls plans to sit in at the principal's office until they serve tater tots in the high school cafeteria again.

Griffin Fired
TimeWarner has fired Jack Griffin, the CEO of Time Magazine. But experts question the wisdom is firing the one person in America who still subscribes to Time Magazine.

Illinois is Hurting
The bad news is the insolvent state of Illinois wants to borrow another $3.7 billion. The worse news is it plans to pay the money back by selling Cubs World Series tickets.

Firefighter Steps Down
A Tucson firefighter who refused to report to the scene of the Gabrielle Giffords shooting has resigned. The firefighter says he would have done his job, but he was too busy writing a blog blaming the shootings on Sarah Palin.

Bieber Flip Flop
A Connecticut Democrat Congressman now says he doesn't like Justin Bieber anymore because Bieber is against abortion... and if there's anyone who makes people want to be pro-abortion, it's Justin Bieber.

February 18th

1970: The Chicago Seven are found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic National Convention. They are also found not guilty of conspiring to shower.

1972: The California Supreme Court invalidates the state's death penalty… based on the fact that living in California was worse than death anyway.

1979: Snow falls in the Sahara Desert in southern Algeria. Al Gore blames Global Warming.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Watson Wins
IBM’s new “Watson” computer soundly defeated Jeopardy! legend Ken Jennings last night. Of course, they’ve been making rigid, impersonal machines that think like humans for years, they’re called lawyers.

Madison Schools Closed Again
Unionized teachers in Madison, Wisconsin are forcing schools to be closed again while they protest possible cuts. As a result Madison school children are begging the Governor to propose new cuts every month.

Obama in Sillicon Valley
President Obama is in the Bay Area today to talk with Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg about how to create more jobs. Jobs is expected to promise to hire a million new workers in return for Obama's pancreas.

PBS Cuts
Republicans in Congress are looking to cut more funding for PBS... and the GOP is also still refusing to recognize Ernie and Bert's gay marriage.

Brown's Book
Senator Scott Brown reveals in his new memoir that he was molested by a camp counselor as a child. Meanwhile, the other 99 members of the Senate are writing memoirs about how they committed sexual abuse.

February 17th

1600: The philosopher Giordano Bruno is burned alive at Campo de' Fiori in Rome for heresy… and for adding 160 pages to everyone’s reading in Philosophy 101.

1865: Columbia, South Carolina, is burned to the ground. A historic event reenacted every year during the University of South Carolina’s football Homecoming weekend.

1933: The Blaine Act ends Prohibition in the United States setting off a hiring boom for guys who mop up barf.

Wisconsin Teacher Sick Out
Unionized teachers in Wisconsin are calling out sick today to protest the proposed elimination of their collective bargaining rights. As a result, public schools will be closed today across the state... and millions of kids are now stalwart union supporters.

Madoff Interview
In a new interview, Bernie Madoff says banks and other big investment groups "had to know" he was a fraud. But he insists his family members didn't know... in other words, his kids are idiots.

NYSE Name Change
One of the toughest issues in the German deal to buy the New York Stock Exchange is what to call the newly combined company. But since so many stock brokers are crooks, they'll probably just rename the NYSE "Stalag 17."

757's Grounded
United has grounded its entire fleet of 757's for safety checks. Unfortunately, this is United, so it forgot to tell the passengers already on those planes and they have been stranded for 18 hours and counting.

Church Study
The number of people attending church in America is on the decline. The slide began when more people realized that you don't have to go to church to get cheap wine.

February 16th

1249: Andrew of Longjumeau is dispatched by Louis IX of France as his ambassador to the Mongol Empire. The Mongols found him to be delicious.

1862: General Ulysses S. Grant captures Fort Donelson, Tennessee… the federal government has been trying to give it back ever since.

2005: The National Hockey League cancels the entire 2004-2005 regular season and playoffs, putting thousands of dentists out of business in the U.S. and Canada.