Thursday, September 29, 2005

Moss Rehab
Kate Moss has checked into a rehabilitation clinic in Arizona after she was recently caught snorting cocaine. Moss chose this particular clinic because it reportedly has no cafeteria.

Miller Released
New York Times reporter Judith Miller is finally out of prison after her confidential source in the Bush Administration finally revealed himself. The White House decided to have Miller released because it needs her to write some phony articles about WMD's in Iran.

Top 5 Things Judith Miller Learned in Prison

5) The Times actually makes great emergency toilet paper

4) Anna Quindlen's articles about women's empowerment would only be worth something if she had written a thing or two about how to throw a left hook

3) While she was behind bars, The Times supported her legally... but laid her off anyway

2) Doing time still isn't harder than doing the Time’s Sunday crossword

1) The other inmates were only afraid of her because she knows Martha Stewart

Flight Attendants Boycott
Three flight attendant unions want members to boycott the Jodie Foster thriller "Flightplan," because they say it portrays stewardesses as "rude, unhelpful and uncaring". They prefer to be portrayed more accurately as rude, unhelpful, and slutty.

Roberts Vote
The Senate voted 78-22 to confirm John Roberts as the 17th chief justice of the Supreme Court. The lop-sided win puts Roberts just behind #1 USC in the coach’s poll.

Roberts Inaugural
John Roberts was sworn in yesterday as the chief justice of the Supreme Court, and is expected to take his seat and be ready in time for the new court session Monday... unless he gets a chauffeur from FEMA.

Next Choice
Insiders say that President Bush's next pick for the Supreme Court will be either Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, or Federal Appeals Court Judge Priscilla Owen. The winning candidate will be the one who tells the President the best bedtime story.

Supermoms and Sex
A British study shows that women who juggle a family and full-time career have diminished sex drives. But most of the women studied were too tired to notice.

Looting Report
A new report shows that some New Orleans police officers helped loot downtown stores joined after Hurricane Katrina. Meanwhile several private companies are currently looting the federal treasury with those no-bid contracts they got to rebuild the city.

Jay's Book
Jay Leno has written a new children's book called "How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World." Thankfully, Dave Chappelle is writing the book on how to be the funniest adult in the whole wide world.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

DeLay Indicted
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been indicted for campaign finance violations. DeLay says he will now step down as leader so he can devote more time to covering up the rest of his illegal campaign donations.

Top 5 Tom DeLay Defense Strategies

5) Spray his spare bottles of hairspray in the prosecutor's eyes

4) Blame it all on Michael Schiavo

3) Funnel all the extra illegal money to the guy running against the District Attorney

2) Offer every member of the jury free gas for a year

1) Get the prosecution to put former FEMA director Mike Brown on their legal team

Millionaire Population
The number of millionaires living in the U.S. has jumped by 700,000 this year... but that's only because most oil executives are having lots of babies.

Bush Conservation
To help ease the gas shortage, President Bush is urging people to cut back on travel. He specifically suggested we all avoid unnecessary trips to do frivolous things... like voting.

Laura Bush on TV
First Lady Laura Bush tried to show her compassion this week by joining the cast of ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition as they distributed clothes in Mississippi. Meanwhile, President Bush tried to show he cares about black people by appearing on three different sitcoms on UPN.

Transplant Scandal
A Los Angeles hospital has admitted to giving a liver transplant to a Saudi national instead of sicker Americans who were ahead of him on the donor list. Man, what some people won't give up for cheap gas these days!

Anna's Appeal
The Supreme Court has decided to consider Anna Nicole Smith's fight to get the $474 million dollar estate of her late husband. Finally, a case where Clarence Thomas will be familiar with the plaintiff's merits!

Oprah's Land Buy
Oprah Winfrey is buying an additional 63 acres of land on the Hawaiian island of Maui, where she already owns 102 acres. It's a sure sign she's about to go off her diet.

Saudi Drivers
Speaking in Riyadh this week, Undersecretary of State Karen Hughes criticized Saudi Arabia's religious rules that prevent women from driving. That's opposed to America, where women are prevented from driving by high gas prices.

Hostage Drugs
Ashley Smith, the woman who persuaded the Atlanta courthouse gunman to release her by reading to him from "The Purpose-Driven Life," now admits that she also gave him her stash of crystal methamphetamines. Of course, taking crystal meth is the only way you can get through reading "The Purpose Driven Life."

Phony Wedding?
Reporters in Hollywood are hearing rumors that Ashton Kutcher's wedding to Demi Moore was just an elaborate "Punk'd" set-up... as opposed to Kutcher's acting career, which is DEFINITELY just an elaborate "Punk'd" set-up.

New $10 Bill
The new design for the $10 bill features new security features as well as splashes of orange, yellow, and red. The new bills are not only a weapon against counterfeiters, but they also go a long way toward buying hotels on Park Place.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Brown's Explanation
Former FEMA director Michael Brown told a Congressional panel yesterday that his biggest mistake was "not recognizing that Louisiana was dysfunctional." Actually, his biggest mistake was not recognizing that Louisiana was part of the United States.

Brown's Explaination II
Former FEMA director Michael Brown told a Congressional panel that Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin are mostly to blame for the botched Hurricane Katrina rescue effort. Brown insists things would have been better if Blanco and Nagin had just roomed with some rescue workers when they were in college.

Top 5 Questions Congress Should Have Asked Former FEMA Director Mike Brown

5) "Do you realize how much you really suck?"

4) "As a matter of public information and safety, will you tell us what other government officials you roomed with back in college?"

3) "Did you ever think you'd be considered even more inept than President Bush?"

2) "Are you aware that because of this hearing none of us are able to properly mourn Don Adams?"

1) "You're wife just called, and apparently your basement's been flooded for five days. When are you going to do something about it?"

Iraq Assessment
Joint Chiefs Chairman General Richard Myers says that defeating the Iraqi insurgency is as important as winning World War II was 60 years ago... so I guess we'll be dropping a nuclear bomb on Baghdad in a few weeks.

R. Kelly & Wife
R. Kelly's and his wife Andrea are trying to reconcile. He is promising not to be violent anymore, and she is promising to dress more like a 13-year old from now on.

Peace Protest
Four peace activists in New York who spilled their blood on an American flag were convicted of damaging government property. But it's still not clear if the prosecution considered the government property to be the flag or their blood.

Suge's Second Act
Hip-hop mogul Marion "Suge" Knight says he's considering quitting the rap industry and becoming a college football coach. Experts say Knight would make a great coach because his players would know that if they don't win, they'll all get shot.

Georgia Protest
Two Georgia parents are protesting the governor's plan to close all schools in the state for two days to save fuel. The parents co-own a chain of gas stations in Atlanta.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Don Adams Dies
Don Adams, who played the bungling secret agent Maxwell Smart, has died at the age of 82. Adams' character was a mainstay of primetime TV in 1960's, and then made a comeback as an actual CIA agent when he confirmed the existence of all the Iraqi WMD's.

Top 5 Signs You've Returned to New Orleans Too Early

5) Anderson Cooper and his crew are still camping out in what used to be your living room

4) Former FEMA director Mike Brown wants to know if you'll hire him to drain your basement

3) The Saints are holding their practices in your backyard

2) The UPS guy needs you to sign for the entire city's relief packages

1) George W. Bush is still President

Pennant Race
The Yankees and the Red Sox are tied for first place with seven games to go over the next seven days. FEMA is responding to the possible crisis by sending extra steroid dealers and prostitutes to both Boston and New York.

Van Der Sloot Speaks
Aruban murder suspect Joran van der Sloot told a TV interviewer he is innocent of any wrongdoing in the Natalee Holloway case. He added that his lawyers are coming up with more great defense strategies to take the pressure off of him, like 3 or 4 more hurricanes.

China Launch
China has scheduled its next manned space flight for October 13th. The crew's mission is to reprogram several Chinese satellites so that they will only spy on Lou Dobbs.

Rita Evacuations
While officials are noting the successful evacuation of Houston in the face of Hurricane Rita, many are concerned that the evacuation itself presented new problems, including 100-mile highway back-ups, motorists running out of gas, and too many damn drivers blasting Alan Jackson songs out of their car windows.

Jeter Threatened
Derek Jeter has received a death threat in the mail from someone posing as a jealous black woman, who wants him to stop dating white women. Police say the letter-writer is probably Alex Rodriguez.

Iraqi Doctors Flee
Hundreds of Iraqi doctors are fleeing Iraq for America because of the persistent violence in Iraq. But the smarter ones are staying put, knowing they have a better chance fighting the insurgents than the insurance companies.

Jacko's Strategy
Michael Jackson is reportedly trying to put his child-molestation trial behind him by reinventing himself as a womanizer... he's starting by trying to buy Katie Holmes' contract from Tom Cruise.

Debt Relief
The World Bank has endorsed a sweeping plan to wipe out billions in debt owed by the world's poorest countries, including Ethiopia, Somalia, and New Orleans.

Polish Election
Poland's new government will be headed by twin brothers who will serve as Prime Minister and President of the country. It's the best thing to happen to the brothers since they got those roles as the Olsen twins' foreign love interests in a straight-to-video production back in 1996.

Young Surgery
Neil Young says he recorded his new album just before undergoing surgery earlier this year for a brain aneurysm. And people who listened to the album had to undergo brain surgery just to get those songs out of their heads.

Coming Home II
The only people who are being asked to return to southeast Texas are gas station employees... which is odd, because no American gas stations have had any human workers since 1989.

In the wake of the recent hurricanes, President Bush says whether the Pentagon should be used to rescue people in a disaster is something for Congress to consider. But the President reserves the right to be the sole person to decide when to use the Pentagon to kill people.

Louisiana's Quest
Louisiana Governor Kathleen Babineaux Blanco is expected to ask Congress for $31 billion in aid this week. The money would be used to repair flood damage, rebuild levees, and reduce the number of vowels in her name.

Minimal Damage
It turns out most major oil refineries suffered little or no damage from Hurricane Rita, which should send gas prices lower. But service station owners vow to make up the difference by charging $5 for bags of M&M's for the foreseeable future.

Weak Showing
Only about 400 people attended a rally in favor of the war in Iraq in Washington, D.C. Sunday. Organizers later realized they had made a terrible mistake by scheduling the event at the same time as Kmart's nationwide one-day sale on chewing tobacco and pork rinds.

Crime Rate
The nation's crime rate is still at a 30-year low. Experts say with gas and food prices so high, there's nobody left who's worth robbing.

Boeing Strike Over
Boeing and its machinists union have reached an agreement, ending a three-week strike. Now everyone at Boeing can get back to making jets for the airlines as soon as they find an airline that isn't bankrupt.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Friday, September 23, 2005

Top 5 Songs Now Being Played By DJ's with A Sick Sense of Humor

5) When the Levee Breaks

4) Highway to Hell

3) Lovely Rita

2) We Gotta Get Out of This Place

1) Stayin' Alive

You can get Jake's Comedy Corner sent to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to

Stranded Drivers
Texas is asking the Pentagon for help in getting gasoline to drivers stuck in huge traffic jams in Houston. They're asking the Pentagon, because the U.S. Army has been working for the oil companies for 30 years.

Stranded Drivers II
Thousands of cars are stuck in a huge traffic jam in Houston. But it's not clear whether it's the cars of people trying to escape the hurricane or just another unemployment line.

Things to Do if You're Stuck in Traffic Trying to Get Out of Houston

5) Try to figure why Rene Zellweger and Kenny Chesney really broke up

4) Look at the other people in your car and decide whether you could eat them if you really had to

3) Do your penance as a Texan for foisting George W. Bush on the rest of us

2) Realize that voting for a candidate based on his stance on gay marriage really seems stupid right now

1) Find the one guy who thinks honking his horn is helping... and run him over

$5 Dollar Gas?
Experts say the timing of the two major hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico could lead to $5-a-gallon gas. Actually, the real cause for another huge jump in prices is the fact that most oil executives need more cash to start their Christmas shopping.

Iraq Poll
A new poll shows that 55% of Americans no longer think we can win in Iraq. The other 45% think we can win, but only if Iraq isn't hit with any hurricanes.

CIA Morale
Insiders say CIA chief Porter Goss is still having trouble pulling the beleaguered spy agency together. But morale has been better ever since it became clear that FEMA was way more inept than they ever were.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Rita Strengthens
Hurricane Rita is now a category 5 storm. Storms are classified as category 5 if they sustain winds greater than 150 miles an hour and have the ability to take 15 points off a politician's approval ratings.

Bush's Promise
Speaking at the annual convention of the Republican Jewish Coalition, President Bush vowed the federal government would do an effective job helping people avoid the ravages of Hurricane Rita. In fact, he was able to guarantee the crowd that Galveston's one Jewish Republican has already been airlifted to safety.

New Orleans Levees
A New York Times report confirms that the levees in New Orleans were never built to withstand major Gulf flooding. But they were built with Mardi Gras in mind, so they were perfect for withholding torrents of urine and vomit.

Gotti Cleared
After John Gotti Junior's murder trial ended in a mistrial, his mother celebrated and said that "God has a mother's prayers in his heart,"... well, that and God doesn't want to get whacked.

New Implants
Silicone breast implants will soon be back on the market, pending some new restrictions by the Bush administration. They include a stipulation that the biggest boobs can no longer run FEMA.

Top 5 Reasons the Government's Allowing Silicone Breast Implants

5) Gotta have something to distract the voters

4) The big ones can be used to float hurricane flood victims to safety

3) Goes along with everything else they've brought back from the 80's, like huge deficits and Wall Street scandals

2) The guys who make them donated the same good money as the polluters and the prescription drug makers

1) At least now they'll be able to make a visible effect on the nation

No School Lawyers
More states are considering allowing citizens to practice law, even if they don't attend law school. But if the lawyers aren't charged ridiculous tuitions for three years, how will they learn how to cheat their clients?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

New Storm
Hurricane Rita could now reach category-4 strength and slam right into Texas. The news is prompting oil companies to fly relief price-hikers to filling stations across the country.

Top 5 Ways CNN is Preparing for Another Hurricane

5) Sending Aaron Brown to Galveston, keeping his hair in New Orleans

4) Squeezing in another 500 TV screens on Wolf Blitzer's Situation Room board

3) Supplying Paula Zahn's already overworked make-up team with an I.V. line and MRE rations

2) Reminding all staff that Larry King's diapers can be used as a flotation device

1) Raising advertising rates faster than the price of gas

Fed Raises Rates
Alan Greenspan and the Federal Reserve decided to raise interest rates again yesterday, saying that Hurricane Katrina did not pose a significant threat to the economy. Well, that's true, after Katrina... there is no economy.

Doubting al Qaeda
A U.S. counterterrorism official says that even though al Qaeda deputy Ayman al Zawahiri's latest televised message takes credit for the London subway bombings, it doesn't prove they actually did it... kind of like when President Bush makes televised messages promising to help hurricane victims.

Moss Dropped
Fashion retailer H&M has dropped Kate Moss as their leading model after she was caught taking cocaine. H&M and other leading clothing chains say models shouldn't be using cocaine, especially when the company's executives need more of it for themselves.

Moss Dropped II
Fashion retailer H&M has dropped Kate Moss as their leading model after she was caught taking cocaine. H&M says Moss' cocaine use might lead her to make careless mistakes, like eating lunch.

Nationals Ban Preacher
A team prayer leader for the Washington Nationals has been banned from the locker room after saying that Jews are doomed because they don't accept Jesus. Actually, he was really banned because he said the Nationals are doomed because they don't hit in the clutch.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Monday Night Charity
At last night's Giants-Saints game, a special collection was taken to bring food and clothes to Hurricane Katrina victims. But that didn't take in as much money as the special collection to bring the Saints a decent pass rusher.

Lost Child Pics
CNN is being lauded for putting up constant shots of missing children from the Katrina disaster on a split screen. Not only have the pictures on the left side of the screen helped reunite families, they've shamed CNN producers from putting stupid stories about things like runaway brides on the right side.

Lost Child Pics II
CNN is putting up constant shots of missing children from the Katrina disaster on a split screen. FOX News is doing the same with pictures of all President Bush's supporters who have suddenly disappeared too.

Bush vs. Nagin
President Bush is voicing reservations over Mayor Ray Nagin's decision to allow many citizens to come back to New Orleans. The White House says it isn't against people coming back; it just wants to make sure their names have been erased from the voter registration rolls first.

Kozlowski Sentenced
Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski was slapped with a stiff sentence yesterday for stealing millions of dollars from his own company. But even though he's supposed to serve at least 8 1/2 years, Kozlowski will probably be back in his home well before any the Katrina evacuees get back to theirs.

Kozlowski Sentenced II
Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski was slapped with an 8 1/2 to 25-year prison sentence yesterday for stealing millions of dollars from his own company. Suddenly, that $3,500 personal shower curtain he bought doesn't seem like so much of an impulse purchase after all!

Top 5 Dennis Kozlowski Prison Survival Tips

5) Before going in, shove as many iPod Nanos you can into you body cavities and use them as currency… and speed bumps

4) Demand good treatment or threaten to bankrupt all the guards' 401k's

3) Spend the next 15 days memorizing all the moves from the "Ultimate Fighting Championship"

2) Make huge contribution to GOP, wait 5 minutes to be released

1) Bring Martha Stewart with you for protection

North Korea Deal
North Korea has agreed to shelve its nuclear weapons program. Not because it wants peace, but because all their nukes were pointed toward New Orleans in the first place.

Atheists Lobby
American atheists say they want to set up their own lobby in Washington. Of course there are plenty of people in Washington who don't believe in God or divine justice; they're called Congressmen.

Moon Mission
NASA is set to unveil plans detailing a new mission to take people and cargo to and from the moon. The federal government is expected to endorse the plan, as soon as it figures out how to take people and cargo to and from New Orleans.

Saints Owner Blasted
The owner of the New Orleans Saints is under fire for saying that Katrina victims would benefit from Saints' victories more than anything else right now. Of course that comment makes no sense, because how can people really need something they've survived without for generations anyway?

Rebuilding Vow
The good news is President Bush is vowing to do whatever it takes to rebuild New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf Coast. The bad news is the people he's putting in charge of that effort are all executives at Delta and Northwest Airlines.

German Elections
Germany's national elections have ended too close to call. That means the winner will be the candidate who hires Karl Rove first.

Bush's Son Drunk
Florida Governor Jeb Bush's son John was arrested last week and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest. It's an embarrassing story, but at least the Republicans finally have a frontrunner for their 2008 presidential nomination!

Box Office
The new romantic comedy "Just Like Heaven," which features Reese Witherspoon as a lovesick ghost, is number one at the box office. Apparently, movie fans couldn't resist seeing a movie that begins with Witherspoon already dead.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Friday, September 16, 2005

Bush Request
In his speech to the nation last night, President Bush urged private citizens to do their part in the Hurricane Katrina recovery effort. And while they're at it, the president would also like them to help fix the problems with Social Security, health insurance and Iraq so he can go back on vacation.

Bush Security
President Bush gave his speech in New Orleans' famed French Quarter, where troops from the 82nd Airborne Division patrolled the area looking for gay people.

Chavez Accusation
Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez told the UN yesterday that he believes the United States is "fueling terrorism." Of course that accusation is crazy, these days Americans can't even afford fuel!

Vatican Gay Hunt
Investigators appointed by the Vatican have been instructed to review each of the 229 Roman Catholic seminaries in the U.S. for evidence of homosexuality. Officials at the Vatican wants to get a handle on this data as soon as possible so they can start covering it up.

Top 5 Signs You're at a Gay Catholic Seminary

5) Courses offered to students include, Theology, Philosophy, and Interior Decorating

4) This year's student play is "Funny Girl"

3) The Seminary's church organ has a "disco beat" setting

2) Your football team got its ass kicked by the girls from the convent across the street

1) Your roommate keeps asking you to take him to the Senior Prom

Director's Death
"West Side Story" director Robert Wise has died in Hollywood at the age of 91. With his death, it's not clear who will teach New York's violent street gangs to sing and dance.

German Passports
Because new German facial recognition scanners work best with neutral expressions, officials are telling German citizens not to smile for their passport photos. Luckily, no German has actually smiled in about 250 years anyway.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Bush Supporters
President Bush's staunchest supporters are remaining loyal to him. Experts say that's because even with all the mistakes related to Hurricane Katrina, there have been no gay marriages even in the most damaged areas.

Blanco's Promise
Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco told the state legislature last night that New Orleans "will rise again"... only this time it won't have any poor people.

German Elections
Angela Merkel, the front-runner in the upcoming election for Chancellor of Germany, is promising to "get results" in the fight against anti-Semitism. And her statement has already yielded results... she is no longer the front-runner in the upcoming election for Chancellor of Germany.

Top 5 Signs You're Flying on a Bankrupt Airline

5) The only movie they show on every flight is "Gigli"

4) Stewardesses come around the cabin with hat and ask you to "give a little something for the crew"

3) Jet's lavatories are coin-operated

2) You're asked to bring your own snacks, pillows, and seatbelts

1) Your flight makes an unannounced stop to fill up at a cheap gas station in Wisconsin

Airline Bankruptcies
Delta and Northwest Airlines have both declared bankruptcy because of the rising cost of fuel. In a related story, all 350 million Americans have declared bankruptcy because of the rising cost of fuel.

Pledge Ruling
A federal judge has declared that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools is unconstitutional because of the "under God" phrase. The judge said he didn't base his ruling on any legal precedents; it's just that he's really mad at God after the whole Hurricane Katrina thing.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Bush Takes the Blame
President Bush now says he accepts responsibility for any mistakes made in the federal response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster. But President Bush still doesn't think there were any mistakes made.

Ophelia Progress
Hurricane Ophelia continues to hover near the coast of the Carolinas. CNN forecasters aren't sure whether Ophelia will do any serious damage, but Nancy Grace believes the storm is already guilty.

New Orleans Power
This is the 17th straight day people in New Orleans have been without power. The good news is it's also the 17th straight day that no one there has had to watch reruns of "Mama's Family."

Top 5 Attractions at the New Chinese Disneyland

5) Escape from Trade Protections Mountain

4) Dumbo the Human Rights Activist

3) Honey, I Destroyed the Environment

2) No Liberty Square

1) DVD Pirates of the Caribbean

Roberts Promise
In his Senate confirmation hearings, John Roberts promised to "think hard" before voting either to uphold or overturn Roe v. Wade. His statement is angering most Evangelical groups, who are bitterly opposed to thinking.

Iraq Promise
President Bush told the new president of Iraq that, "America will stand with the Iraqi people as they move forward with the democratic process"... unless they ask for something unreasonable, like protection from natural disasters.

Oregon Bulge
A slow-growing volcanic bulge in Oregon is attracting the attention of scientists who say it could be the beginnings of a volcano. For now, seismologists are treating the bulge with Rolaids and Mylanta.

Brown Quits
Embattled FEMA Director Michael Brown has finally resigned. To get a replacement in place as soon as possible, the White House is asking all unqualified applicants to please make their donations to the Republican National Committee right away.

Top 5 Things the White House Wants in a New FEMA Director

5) Ability to alert the President quickly during a serious crisis, like when his poll numbers start to fall

4) Someone who can get Anderson Cooper to stop crying on live TV

3) Cute little nickname the President can remember, like "Brownie"

2) Ability to keep Barbara Bush's mouth shut

1) Someone who understands the whole, "dead people-bad, living people-good" idea

Temporary Prison
In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans police are using the local Greyhound station as a make-shift jail. Usually, it's only the people riding a Greyhound bus who feel like they're in jail.

Racial Divide
Hurricane Katrina has once again, highlighted the racial divide in America. A new poll shows that while 69% of blacks are angry about the government's slow response to the tragedy, 85% of whites still think O.J. was guilty.

Roberts Platform
During his confirmation hearings today, Chief Justice nominee John Roberts assured the Senators that he has no platform and no agenda... kind of like President Bush before 9/11.

Disney China
Thousands of people poured into Disney's new theme park in China on opening day yesterday. Tourists loved it, but it's not clear how Mickey, Donald and Goofy can survive making just 5 cents a day.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Bush Approval Rating
In the wake of the Hurricane Katrina relief debacle, President Bush's approval rating is down to an all-time low of 39%. The 39% who still support him say the President's reaction to the storm was right, because you shouldn't interfere when God is busy killing people

No Forced Evacuations
Authorities say no one has been forcibly evacuated from New Orleans... well, no one except FEMA Director Michael Brown.

Saints Win
The New Orleans Saints pulled off an upset 23-20 win over Carolina in their season opener. The win was an emotional one for the rich, white New Orleans fans who may never see their Superdome luxury boxes again.

Top 5 Changes for the New Orleans Saints

5) They're finally playing for a city in worse shape than they are

4) As they watched hundreds dying from a natural disaster, the players finally realized Jesus probably doesn't give a damn about football

3) Coach now motivating players by telling them they better shape up or be forced to clean out the Superdome bathrooms

2) Their steroids are now being kept in waterproof packages

1) Some of the players actually see that the world doesn't revolve around them... just kidding!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

FEMA Director Sent Home
After being relieved of his duties overseeing relief efforts on the ground, FEMA Director Michael Brown has been sent back home to Washington. Brown says, "he's just going to relax and have fun with his wife," but Mrs. Brown says he's not really the most qualified man to do that either.

Judge's Ruling
A judge has ruled in favor of CNN's request to show dead bodies being found in New Orleans. The court said that since CNN shows the corpse of Larry King five nights a week anyway, this shouldn't be much of a shock to the viewers.

Laura's Reaction
First Lady Laura Bush is reponding angrily to claims that her husband doesn't care about black people. As the person who knows President Bush the best, she insists he doesn't care about white people either.

Laura's Reaction II
First Lady Laura Bush says the claims that her husband doesn't care about black people aren't true. That statement would mean a lot more if she actually knew the president as well as the rest of the American people.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

You can get Jake's Comedy Corner sent to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to

Aid for Katrina Victims
Hurricane Katrina evacuees in Houston will soon get $2,000 debit cards from FEMA. That's means they'll have to choose between getting a month's worth of groceries or half a tank of gas.

Aid for Katrina Victims II
Hurricane Katrina evacuees in Houston will soon get $2,000 debit cards from FEMA. Of course if they want to get real government help, they should all immediately donate that two grand to Tom DeLay's legal defense fund.

FBI Katrina Warning
The FBI is warning that scammers are trying to take advantage of Americans who want to donate money to help Hurricane Katrina victims. The bureau says the biggest scammer posing as a leader of a relief organization is FEMA Director Mike Brown.

New iPod
Apple has unveiled the "iPod nano," which is even smaller and thinner than a pencil. The company says it wanted to make a music player light enough to keep with you even as you wait 10 days for the government to save you from a natural disaster.

Would-Be Assassin Indictment
A federal grand jury in Washington indicted a citizen of the Eastern European nation of Georgia yesterday for unsuccessfully attempting to assassinate President Bush with a hand grenade. Next, the grand jury is expected to indict Hurricane Katrina for successfully assassinating President Bush.

Ukraine Government Crisis
Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko has fired all his top officials, saying they had lost their "team spirit"... well that's what he gets for appointing a cabinet made up mostly of Kansas City Royals fans.

Berger Sentenced
A judge has ordered Sandy Berger, President Clinton's national security adviser, to pay a $50,000 fine for illegally sneaking classified documents out of the National Archives. The court went with the most severe fine, not because the documents were so sensitive, but because Berger stuffed them all in his boxers.

No Gay Marriage
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he'll veto a new bill legalizing gay marriage because it "violates the voters' wishes," which is something he knows a lot about since the fact that he's still in office is also violating the voters' wishes.

Arafat Not Poisoned
French medical records show it is highly unlikely that poisoning caused the death of Palestinian President Yasser Arafat. It's strange how someone who poisoned everything he ever touched had no trace of poison in his own body.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Hostage Rescued
After more than 10 months in captivity, U.S. troops freed American hostage Roy Hallums from insurgents in Iraq today. The Pentagon says it would have moved faster to rescue Hallums, but it first had to confirm that he wasn't black or a hurricane victim.

Hostage Rescued II
After more than 10 months in captivity, U.S. troops freed American hostage Roy Hallums from insurgents in Iraq today. Actually, al Qaeda just let Hallums go, because after seeing our response to Hurricane Katrina, it's pretty obvious the U.S. doesn't really care about its citizens anymore anyway.

Katrina Job Loss
The government now says up to 400,000 people will lose their jobs because of Hurricane Katrina. The good news is that each one of those 400,000 people knows they're more qualified than FEMA director Michael Brown to do almost anything.

Katrina Job Loss II
The government now says up to 400,000 people will lose their jobs because of Hurricane Katrina. But the Bush administration is working hard to find them all new jobs... in Iraq.

Top 5 Best New Jobs for Katrina Victims

5) Wake-up caller for FEMA Director Mike Brown

4) Barbara Bush shutter-upper

3) Network TV pilot-watcher (hey, they've already been through Hell anyway)

2) Kansas City Royals Manager (disaster experience does come in handy)

1) Gas station money counter (lots of overtime)

Jacko Song
Michael Jackson is releasing a new single to benefit the victims of Hurrican Katrina. Jackson says he recorded the song because for some reason, no one has accepted his other offer to house all the Hurricane Victims' children at the Neverland Ranch.

Oil Gouging
Despite a drop in oil prices, the cost of gasoline in the U.S. continues to surge. The oil companies insist they're not gouging; it's just that with all the Bush administration staffers likely to be fired over the Hurricane Katrina debacle, they need to be ready to hire and give them all tremendous executive salaries.

Superdome's Future
Experts say the New Orleans Superdome will likely have to be demolished because of several problems inculding the huge amount of human waste on the turf. Of course by that logic, they should have demolished Giants Stadium years ago.

Egypt Election
Egypt is holding its first-ever contested presidential election... which is the nice way of saying it's the first time there's been more than one dumb guy who actually wants to be president of Egypt.

Ford Recall
Ford has issued a safety recall for 3.8 million of its SUV's and light trucks. Repairs will be made for free at local dealerships, but with gas prices this high, it will take owners several weeks to be able to afford to bring them in.

United Bankruptcy Plan
United Airlines plans to exit bankruptcy in early 2006... or the next time the 9am flight from New York to O'Hare actually lands on time, whichever comes first.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Gilligan's Dead
"Gilligan's Island" star Bob Denver has died at the age of 70. His death is finally giving the cable news networks a story big and important enough to cut away from all the hurricane coverage.

Gilligan's Dead II
"Gilligan's Island" star Bob Denver has died at the age of 70. Doctors say his death was caused by severe neurological injuries sustained by a lifetime of being hit on the head by the skipper's hat.

Gilligan's Dead III
"Gilligan's Island" star Bob Denver has died at the age of 70. The White House is declaring a national day of mourning to remember the man who created the TV character President Bush has strived to emulate in every aspect of his public and private life.

Gilligan's Dead IV
Bob Denver has died at the age of 70. President Bush is snapping into action by nominating John Roberts to replace Denver at all future Gilligan's Island reunion shows and personal appearances.

Top 5 Best Ways to Mourn Bob Denver

5) Watch every episode of "Gilligan's Island" in one sitting, something that will make you feel better and get you accepted to N.C. State

4) Eat food only made from coconuts for a week

3) Call a press conference and angrily blame his death on FEMA

2) Show up to work wearing bucket cap, orange shirt, and tight bell-bottoms for a month

1) Get a bunch of drunk and self-destructive TV network executives to agree to do a reality show based on "Gilligan's Island"... oh wait, someone's already done that!

Barbara Bush Comments
Former First Lady Barbara Bush says she believes conditions at the Houston Astrodome are better than what the people forced out of New Orleans were used to before the storm. Of course, that's because Mrs. Bush assumed they were all slaves before the hurricane hit.

Blame Game
President Bush says there will be ample time to play the blame game when the rescue effort in New Orleans is done... and when Karl Rove has had a few more weeks to find a way to blame this on the Democrats.

Spirit of New Orleans
Experts worry that even if New Orleans is physically rebuilt, the spirit of the city will never be the same... which is the nice way of saying New Orleans has gone from a town of happy drunks to a town of angry drunks.

Rehnquist Casket
Several of Chief Justice William Rehnquist's former law clerks acted as pallbearers yesterday as they brought his coffin to lie in state at the U.S. Capitol. The job of carrying the casket was especially hard as FEMA Director Michael Brown was hiding in the coffin along with Rehnquist's body.

Lance and Sheryl
Lance Armstrong popped the question to girlfriend Sheryl Crow on Monday. Crow says she has agreed to marry Armstrong, pending the results of a steroid test.

Saturn's Rings
Astronomers say there's evidence that Saturn's rings are changing in appearance and structure. Democrats blame global warming.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Chief Choice
Just two days after the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, President Bush has made John Roberts his choice to be the next Chief Justice. Experts say if Roberts were black or a hurricane victim, Bush would have waited at least another two weeks to make that decision.

Chief Choice II
Responding to the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, President Bush has now made John Roberts his choice to be the next Chief Justice. Bush has also delighted conservatives by nominating liberal Stephen Breyer as his choice to be the next Supreme Court justice to die.

Top 5 Signs CNN and Fox News Channel are Getting Exhausted by the Katrina Story

5) During live shots, Wolf Blitzer demands that all the CNN correspondents drink the floodwaters "to see if it kills them."

4) Bill O'Reilly is only sexually harassing female co-workers who don't have relatives in New Orleans

3) Sean Hannity keeps forgetting to blame the hurricane on Hillary Clinton

2) Larry King showed up to do his show last night in wet suit and flippers

1) Shepard Smith and Geraldo Rivera now planning to get married when this is all over

Anti-Biden Ad
A new Right Wing TV ad shows that Senator Joe Biden showed special favoritism to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg when she was a nominee to the Supreme Court, even as he is leading the charge against John Roberts today. But Biden insists he didn't help Ginsberg because she's a liberal; he says he did it because she's a hot chick.

French Quarter Spared
It appears New Orleans' famed French Quarter was not seriously damaged by Hurricane Katrina, which is good news for the restaurant industry and the guys who make those "Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras" videos.

Cuba's Offer
Even Cuba's Fidel Castro has offered a fleet of boats to help in the Hurricane Katrina recovery effort. The White House turned that down, but the Bush administration says it will seek Castro's help as it plots ways to crush all dissent after this debacle.

Cuba's Offer II
Cuba's Fidel Castro has offered a fleet of boats to help in the Hurricane Katrina recovery effort... and an amazing 90% of the citizens of Cuba are already waiting on the docks offering to man those boats and head for America right away!

Jobs Report
The most recent employment report was much less robust than expected. But President Bush says this is all part of his plan to help Americans deal with higher gas prices by eliminating the jobs they've been driving to in the first place!

Gas Prices
President Bush is refusing to do anything to stem rising gas prices across the country. The President insists this has nothing to do with favoritism to the oil companies; he just wants to do his part to fight obesity by forcing more Americans to walk to work every day.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Top 5 Signs President Bush has Learned Something from the Katrina Disaster

5) The next time it rains, he'll send the 102nd Airbourne to clean Colin Powell's gutters

4) Showing his resolve to do something about flood-threatened areas by invading Venice

3) Beginning plans to sell Louisiana back to the French

2) Ordering Karl Rove to produce some anti-flood TV commercials

1) From now on, only three naps a day!

Rehnquist Dies
Chief Justice William Rehnquist died yesterday at age 80. President Bush will use the vacancy on the court to show he really does care about Black people and the victims of weather disasters by nominating Al Roker.

Rehnquist Dies II
Chief Justice William Rehnquist died yesterday at age 80... making him the only government official in Washington actually doing less than President Bush to help the hurricane victims.

Anderson's Anger
CNN anchor Anderson Cooper lashed out at Senators Mary Landrieu and Trent Lott, demanding to know why more wasn't done to prepare for Hurricane Katrina. Cooper's outburst shocked experts, who thought the only thing that could rile him up was being forced to wear a non-tailored suit.

Attacks on Bush
Rapper Kanye West says President Bush "doesn't care about Black people." The White House says that's not true, especially since every Black person President Bush knows is already in the cabinet.

Rice's Reaction
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she doesn't believe race had anything to do with the lack of response to Hurricane Katrina. Of course, Rice also doesn't believe she's Black.

Saddam Trial
The good news is there's finally been a date set for Saddam Hussein's war crimes trial. The bad news is it's being planned by the same people who planned the response to Hurricane Katrina.

Friday, September 02, 2005

We finally have some answers as to why food and water supplies have not yet come to the victims of Hurricane Katrina; after seeing the latest press conference, it's obvious Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour ate them all.

President Bush is canceling his trip to New Orleans today. White House staffers say he's going to Iraq, where he'll be safer.

Top 5 Things President Bush is Doing in the Wake of Hurricane Katrina

5) Deploying an additional 10,000 troops… to look for Iraqi WMD’s in the floodwaters

4) Sending an emergency $1 billion to Exxon and Chevron executives exhausted from raising gas prices 20 times in the last 4 days

3) Betting what’s left of the national treasury against the Saints in the season opener

2) Having all his writers cross out the word “terrorists” and replacing it with the word “hurricanes” in all his speeches from now on

1) Calling all his old National Guard buddies to reminisce about all the hard work they did like this in the 60’s… just kidding!

Katrina Shelters
Most of the hurricane refugees trapped in terrible conditions at the New Orleans Superdome are being moved to the Astrodome in Houston. Experts believe this will help the victims get the food and water they need, but they still won’t be able to win an NFL playoff game.

Katrina Troops
After some delays, President Bush is now enthusiastically sending as many National Guard troops to the Hurricane zone as possible. The President had a change of heart when he realized sending them to a devastated area filled with death and despair is the perfect training for their next assignment in Iraq!

Hastert’s Assessment
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert says people bent on rebuilding New Orleans are showing signs of “stubbornness.” But they still aren’t as stubborn as the voters who re-elect stooges like Dennis Hastert to Congress every two years.

Aruba Suspect Hearing
The 18-year-old Dutch suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway may be released from jail. Aruban police believe this is the best time to set him free, now that American cable news watchers finally realize the difference between a real story and a time-killer on Nancy Grace.

Byrd to Run Again
87-year-old Senator Robert Byrd will run for a 9th term in 2006. Byrd vows to stay in office until the U.S. withdraws from Iraq, or he runs through all of Strom Thurmond’s remaining supply of adult diapers, whichever comes first.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday