Friday, February 27, 2009

Citi-Government Deal
The U.S. government is taking a 40% stake in Citigroup. But between the government's office hours and banker's hours, Citi will be open only for about 15 minutes a day.

With the government now in control of Citigroup, customers can expect 10 ATM's at each branch... but only two of them will be working at any given time.

Iraq Pullout
President Obama says he will pull all combat troops out of Iraq by August 1, 2010. That 18 month waiting period should ease the transition for the returning soldiers, because by then most of America will look about as bad as downtown Fallujah.

Brady Weds Bundchen
Brazilian model Gisele Bundchen married NFL star Tom Brady yesterday in California. But the wedding night turned out to be a bust when Bundchen found out that Brady really isn't much without his offensive line.

Romney Robbed
More than a dozen pieces of jewelry were stolen from former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s Utah home. The thieves insist they were just trying to collect advance taxes on someone earning more than $250,000 per year.

GM's Ad Budget Slash
GM says it will cut its advertising and endorsement budget by $800 million this year. Experts found that GM could use that money more effectively by paying 800 Americans $1 million each to buy a car from GM.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Detox Mosque
A Toronto mosque is offering a 12-step "detox" program for budding radicals and would-be terrorists. The 12th step of the program is when everyone converts to Christianity.

The program leaders plan to use verses in the Koran that condemn violence against non-Muslims... as soon as they can find some verses in the Koran that condemn violence against non-Muslims.

First Dog
The Obama family has finally found a dog. The Portuguese water dog will come to the White House as soon as it's determined that he's paid all its taxes and never hired an illegal alien nanny.

Insurance Buy
President Obama wants to spend $643 billion to give more Americans health insurance. The health insurance companies are responding by sending the White House 643 billion forms to fill out.

GM Losses
General Motors has announced it lost $9.6 billion in the last three months of 2008. Most of that money was used to pay accountants to count how much money GM is losing.

GM is now closer to having to declare bankruptcy. It is expected to reorganize as a new company that will show other automakers how to torch their plants for the insurance money.

Times Square Plan
Mayor Bloomberg wants to keep cars and trucks out of Times Square to create a pedestrian mall. Angry pedestrians are protesting the loss of their right to jaywalk.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obama's Promise
In his speech to a joint session of Congress last night, President Obama promised that America will rebuild... it's just that when we're rebuilding we won't be allowed to use oil, coal, or do anything that may hurt endangered snakes.

In his speech to a joint session of Congress last night, President Obama promised that America will rebuild... as soon as we can find someone stupid enough to lend us another $2 trillion.

Bank Stress Test
The U.S. Treasury begins "stress testing" top banks today to see which ones will survive further economic problems. The banks not expected to pass the new test are the ones now using coin-operated ATM's.

No More Help!
75% of Americans are now against any more government help for the Detroit automakers. And the other 25% only favor new aide because they are currently in a stalled Buick on I-95.

NK Missile Test
North Korea says its planned missile launch test is really just part of its plans for a peaceful space program. The starving nation is hoping to safely land a man at a Taco Bell drive thru.

Tiger Returns
Tiger Woods returns to pro golf after taking 8 months off. Millions of fans are expected to follow him on tour so they can ask him for a loan.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Mardi Gras
Today is Mardi Gras, a day when revellers get drunk and stupid in the streets. And it all wraps up when the drunkest and stupidest gather together at tonight's joint session on Congress.

Government Takeover
A proposal to expand the government's stake in Citigroup is fanning fears about a nationalization of the banks. It's also fanning fears that the feds will replace the concession stands at CitiField with food from the school lunch program.

Union Deal
Ford and the UAW have reached an agreement on retiree healthcare... they're both going to share the same graveyard in about six months.

Iraq Museum Reopens
The Iraq Museum has reopened six years after the site was the scene of massive looting. Now the only blatant ripoffs are taking place in the museum gift shop.

Aid to Gaza
The U.S. is sending $900 million to Gaza. Some of the money will be used to feed children, repair homes, and launch new businesses... and the other $899 million will be used to kill people.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscar Winner
"Slumdog Millionaire" won the Academy Award for best picture last night and a total of 8 Oscars. The voters thought the film was about a laid off hedge fund manager.

Best Actress
Kate Winslet won the best actress award for her role in "The Reader" where she plays an illiterate, pedophile Nazi concentration camp guard. America just loves it when Hollywood sticks up for persecuted minorities.

Ledger Wins
Heath Ledger, who died last year of a drug overdose, won the Oscar for best supporting actor. He beat out Robert Downey Jr., who has to wonder just how much more drugs he needs to take to finally get a win.

U.S. Airways Drinks
U.S. Airways says it's going to reintroduce free drinks in coach. But to get those free drinks you're going to have to drink them straight from the Hudson River.

European Incentives
European carmakers are giving away lavish incentives to buy their vehicles. German automakers are giving out rebates, Italian manufacturers are slashing car loan rates, and the French car companies are giving every new buyer someone to help them push the car once it inevitably breaks down after two months.

New Catholic Leader
The Vatican is sending Milwaukee Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan to lead New York's archdiocese. Dolan is expected to demand the same $161 million deal former Milwaukee pitcher C.C. Sabathia got to come to the Yankees.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Cookies Crumble
Girl Scout cookie sales are plummeting across the country. The girls are having a hard time competing with their laid off parents who are now selling crack.

Woods A Dad Again
Tiger Woods and his wife Elin have given birth to a baby boy, Charlie. Charlie already has a $20 million Nike diaper endorsement contract.

Hillary's Priorities
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is making climate change a top priority on her weekend trip to China. Her main goal is to make sure the Chinese install recycling bins in all the factories staffed by 8-year-old slave laborers.

Netanyahu Back on Top
Benjamin Netanyahu will likely become the next prime minister of Israel after being asked to form the new government. The news is disappointing Arab leaders... not because Netanyahu is tough on terrorism, but because he's a Jew who's not dead.

Post is Sorry
The New York Post is apologizing after running an editorial cartoon that made it look like the stimulus bill was written by a chimp. The paper admits it should have known the bill was written by a jackass.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dropping a Dime
Giant bank UBS has agreed to turn over the names of some of its richest customers to U.S. tax fraud investigators. UBS now stands for "U Been Snitched."

A-Rod Lies
Sports fans are still skeptical about Alex Rodriguez's excuses at his newsconference in Florida. Hey if you want to watch a multi-millionaire lying to me for an hour on TV, you can always watch CNBC.

Disney Layoffs
Disney plans to cut staff at all its theme parks. This is troubling news for Dumbo and Goofy, who just got jobs at DisneyWorld after getting laid off from Wall Street.

Leaner Times
The nation's top college sports programs are desperately looking for ways to cut costs. In a radical move, Ohio State is planning on eliminating tutors and actually forcing the football players to go to class.

U.S. Base Booted
The Kyrgyz parliament has voted to oust an American military base near the country's capital. Kyrgyz does say it will reconsider the decision if the U.S. gives it some vowels.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Top 5 Bumper Stickers in Dubai

5. "My Son is an Honor Killer at Dubai Elementary"

4. "Perform Random Acts of Kindness... but first, Jihad!"

3. "My Other Car is a Booby-Trapped Audi"

2. "Anyone Riding in this car has to give me gas, cash, or a Qassam rocket launcher!"

1. "Don't Blame Me, I Blew up the Polling Place!"

More Money
GM and Chrysler are asking for an additional $22 billion. That should cover the cost of the 22 billion pink slips they'll be sending out in the next two weeks.

Body Imagers
In a tryout at Tulsa's airport, airline passengers will skip metal detectors and instead be screened by body scanners. To save money in this economy, all female passengers will be scanned by teenage boys working for free.

NASCAR Drug Tests
The first-ever drug testing of NASCAR drivers is now complete. The tests found that every pro driver was negative for steroids, amphetamines, and tooth paste.

Ex-Brokers take Census Jobs
Thousands of laid off Wall Street brokers are taking census jobs. Because of the way they inflated the value of stocks, we can expect the next census to show that there are 900 billion people living in America.

Chimp Story Still Big
The national news media continues to cover the story of the 200-pound chimp that almost killed a woman in Connecticut. The media could only ignore this story if the chimp had been a Muslim.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Porn Tax?
The federal government is considering taxing porn. The silicone futures market is down 78% on the news.

Drunk Minister Resigning
Japan's finance minister is stepping down after being obviously drunk at the G7 newsconference. He really stood out compared to all the other finance ministers who have been obviously stoned for the last 5 years.

Hillary's Warning
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is warning North Korea not to launch it's new missile. Of course, Hillary's been warning her husband Bill not launch his missile for years to no avail.

Old and Free
A new report shows that fewer elder care facillities are using restraints for their residents. In this economy, whatever nursing homes can do to free up new beds is okay.

Vick to SF?
Jailed former NFL star Michael Vick may end up with the San Francisco 49ers after he gets out of prison. Experts say environmentally conscious San Francisco will embrace Vick because he always recycled and composted his dogs after brutally killing them.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Beheaded Wife
The Bufflao man who founded a cable TV network dedicated to portraying Muslims in a better light has beheaded his wife for trying to divorce him. His network is planning a special on how he humanely knocked her out before slicing off her head.

Hillary Leaves Town
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has left the country on her first trip as America's top diplomat. Now that Bill is home alone, the nation's leading brothels and call girl services have been put on high alert.

Another Collision
A British nuclear submarine collided with a French submarine in the Atlantic Ocean earlier this month. This follows the collision of an American communications satellite with a Russian satellite last week. Luckily, there are no reports of anyone accidentally getting their chocolate in someone else's peanut butter.

France Admits Guilt
A French court has ruled that the French government was indeed responsible for deporting Jews to death camps during World War II. The French government is hoping the ruling will make the country even more popular in Arab countries than it already is.

The judicial council found that the French government at the time was responsible for deportations that led to anti-Semitic persecution. Today's French government maintains anti-Semitic persecution by importing immigrants from Saudi Arabia.

Millions of French Arabs reacted to the news by dancing in the streets... then they realized where they were and started setting cars on fire.

Friday, February 13, 2009

The Texas Department of Health is recalling all products from a Peanut Corporation of America plant after discovering dead rodents there. The families of the dead rodents are also filing a $150 million lawsuit.

Panetta Confirmed
The Senate confirmed Leon Panetta as CIA director last night. Panetta is the oldest person ever to lead the spy agency, thus guaranteeing that he'll be able to keep our most sensitive secrets by simply forgetting them.

Stimulus Conflict
Commerce Secretary nominee Judd Gregg has withdrawn his name from consideration because of "irresolvable conflicts" over the Obama stimulus plan. The conflict stems from the fact that Gregg apparently has a calculator and Obama doesn't.

Betting on Education
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell wants to use revenue from video poker machines to help thousands of students afford college tuition. Scholarships will be made available to every student smart enough not to play video poker.

Crooked Judges
Two Pennsylvania judges have been charged with taking bribes to send teenagers to private detention centers. Those bribes came from the teenagers' parents.