Friday, June 30, 2006


The 7th installment in my Schmooze or Lose comic strip is now available online at the Schmooze or Lose Web site: Just click on "comics" on the homepage to read all the strips so far. You should also wait for all the animation on the homepage to load so you can see my main character appear under the Hollywood sign!

The 8th installment premieres in the Jewish Journal of Los Angeles today and appear on the site next Wednesday or Thursday. Enjoy!

Gitmo Decision
The Supreme Court has struck down military tribunals for detainees at Guantanamo Bay prison. So from now on, we're just going to shoot them.

Gitmo Decision II
The Supreme Court has struck down military tribunals for detainees at Guantanamo Bay prison, saying they must have real trials in American courts. Because if there's one thing we needed, it was more work for civilian lawyers.

Top 5 Gitmo Tribunal Alternatives

5) Flip a coin; heads you're executed, tails we execute you and notify your family

4) Give them real American lawyers... and make them pay their real fees

3) Determine guilt or innocence with marathon sessions of "Rock, Paper, Scissor"

2) Two words: Nancy Grace

1) Send them to a fate much worse than death: traffic court

NYC Hurricane Preps
If a major hurricane hits New York, the city says it will not expect any help from the federal government... at least not until New Yorkers start voting for more Republicans.

Scrushy Convicted
Former HealthSouth CEO Richard Scrushy was convicted Thursday of a bribery scheme involving former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman. Scrushy's fatal mistake was forgetting that it's only legal to bribe Republicans.

Scrushy Convicted II
After being acquitted of massive accounting fraud, former HealthSouth CEO Richard Scrushy was convicted Thursday of a bribery scheme involving former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman. The message is clear: it's okay to steal from the shareholders, but not okay to try to give any of that money to a Democrat.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Star Stricken
Star Jones Reynolds was fired from "The View" Wednesday, one day after saying on the air that she wouldn't be returning to the daytime talk show in the fall. ABC is replacing her with the parts of her body that were removed in her gastric bypass surgery a few years ago.

Texas Districts Upheld
The Supreme Court has ruled that Tom DeLay's Texas redistricting plan is constitutional.... proving once again that the only way Texans can exercise their rights is by moving out of Texas.

Booze Roadblocks
Leaders of the Pine Ridge Sioux Indian Reservation are threatening to set up roadblocks to stop members from bringing in beer. Sioux leaders are worried members of the tribe will be too drunk to gamble.

Teen Sex Survey
New studies show that fewer teenagers are having babies, but more are living in poverty... proving once again that the rich kids are getting all the action.

Taxing Pimps
Iowa Senator Charles Grassley wants to pass a law that would tax sex traffickers for their earnings. Great, now pimps will start beating on their ho's who don't fill out a W-2.

Taxing Pimps II
Iowa Senator Charles Grassley wants to pass a law that would tax sex traffickers for their earnings. But critics say this will only encourage pimps to hide their proceeds by hiring more illegal alien hookers.

Top 5 Most Frequently Asked Pimp Tax Questions

5) "Are my bitches employees or independent contractors?"

4) "Can I write off my yellow fur coat as a business expense?"

3) "I took one of my ho's to the free clinic yesterday, can I deduct her lost work hours from my annual income?"

2) "How many 'free ones' will it take for you to forget about auditing me?"

1) "I don't care if your initials are H and R, this is MY block, you hear?"

Israel Bombs Hamas
Israeli Jets have bombed a Hamas training camp in Gaza. Hamas coaches now worry it's terrorist teams won't be ready when the regular terror season kicks off in September.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Limbaugh Libido in Limbo
Rush Limbaugh was detained at the Palm Beach, Florida airport after some unprescribed Viagra was found in his luggage. This incident brings up some very serious questions, like: who the Hell is having sex with Rush Limbaugh?

Top 5 Rush Limbaugh Excuses

5) Needed "something to work on" during the long flight

4) Nothing chases a bottle of Oxycontin like a some Old Milwaukee and a few Viagra

3) He thinks about Hillary so much, he can't get it up anymore

2) You think it's easy to screw 17 million radio listeners a day?

1) The only chick that answers his calls is Ann Coulter, and she doesn't make him hot either

Loose Lips?
Right wing bloggers say the New York Times decision to publish details of the U.S. bank surveillance program is helping the terrorists... and everyone knows the only businesses allowed to help the terrorists are the oil companies.

Loose Lips II?
Right wing bloggers say no newspaper can be allowed to publish information that could help the terrorists. The New York Post is complying by no longer printing the weather, stock quotes or the locations of Mets and Yankees games.

Flag Burning Vote
The Senate has barely rejected a proposed constitutional amendment to ban burning the American flag. The Senators voted it down when it realized most American flags are now made in China.

Flag Burning Vote II
The Senate has barely rejected a proposed constitutional amendment to ban burning the American flag. However, the Senators did vote in favor of a ban on flag burning while attending a gay wedding.

Bush Jogs with Wounded Vet
President Bush took a jog Tuesday with a soldier who lost both legs in Iraq. The two men have a lot in common; the war robbed the soldier of his legs and the President of his senses.

Pitcher Arrested
Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Brett Myers will take a leave of absence after he was arrested for hitting his wife. Myers says he only did it because she was crowding the plate.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Viagra Benefits?
A new study shows that Viagra might help athletes perform better at higher altitudes. So THAT'S why the U.S. men's ski team ordered all those baggy pants.

More Buffett
Warren Buffett is deciding to give most of his $40 billion fortune to Bill Gates. This is otherwise known as "Republican welfare."

Top 5 Better Things to Do with $40 Billion

5) Wave it in front of Donald Trump and sing: "Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah!"

4) Fix all the damn bugs in Windows 2000

3) Buy the U.S. army another 40 weeks in Iraq

2) Buy 40 billion lotto tickets... you can't lose!

1) Get Bill Gates some decent clothes

Angry Bush
President Bush angrily defended the administration's bank records tracking program Monday. He told the White House press corps that Congress was briefed, the program is legal and totally confidential... but some of them should really think twice about using their debit cards to buy porn.

Angry Bush II
President Bush says newspapers who published details of the bank records tracking program publish are "making it harder to win this war on terror"... to which the newspapers replied, "wait, there's a war on terror?"

Angry Bush III
President Bush is lashing out at the New York Times for publishing secret details of the administration's bank records tracking program. But really he's just angry he read about it in the Times before Dick Cheney told him about it.

Sleepy Cable Guy
A Cable TV installer who fell asleep on a customer's couch for over three hours is keeping his job. His bosses realized he wasn't to blame when they found out he was installing MSNBC.

Buffett Giveaway
Investment guru Warren Buffett has announced he will begin to give away most of his $40 billion dollar fortune within the next few months... he just wants to wait 'till he really hits it big.

Buffett Giveaway II
Warren Buffett says he's completely changed his mind about only giving away his money after he dies. Now he says he wants to give it away while he's alive so he can see the looks on the faces of everyone he doesn't give a penny.

Buffett Giveaway III
Investment guru Warren Buffett has announced he will begin to give away most of his $40 billion dollar fortune within the next few months. Buffett says he's giving most of it to Bill Gates, because he's the only guy in the world who he knows won't blow it on drugs and hookers.

NCAA Tourney Expansion?
The NCAA is considering expanding the field for the college basketball tournament from 64 to 128 teams. The decision has nothing to do with sports; they just want to keep more athletes off the streets for a few more weeks.

Iraq Amnesty
The Bush administration is voicing objections to the Iraqi government's plan to offer amnesty to insurgents. The White House will only support that plan if it turns out the insurgents are also illegal aliens working for less than minimum wage.

Christian Science Expansion
The Christian Scientist Church is hoping to expand. The church now believes its message of prayer over conventional medicine will appeal to millions of Americans who can no longer afford health insurance.

Friday, June 23, 2006

My soccer-based rant on European attitudes is in today's Newsday editorial section. Here's the link: Newsday

Thursday, June 22, 2006

World Cup Loss
Ghana's national soccer team easily defeated the U.S. in the World Cup Thursday. U.S. corporations are so impressed they're replacing all their Mexican workers with illegal immigrants from Ghana.

Top 5 U.S. World Cup Excuses

5) Just like the Army in Iraq, the team got to the World Cup easily... but didn't know what to do once it got there

4) All the refs were from the U.N.

3) Wearing those high socks did nothing for their "street cred"

2) They took all the steroids they could... what more do you want?

1) Team members just wanted to get back to America and play a real sport like baseball

Cheney's View
Vice President Dick Cheney says pulling out of Iraq would be the "worst thing we could do right now." He's got a point, if U.S. troops leave who will protect all of his co-workers at Halliburton?

Bush in Hungary
While visiting Budapest Thursday, President Bush laid a wreath at a monument honoring Hungary's failed 1956 uprising against the Soviet Union. Mr. Bush has a special place in his heart for failures.

Bush in Hungary II
While visiting Budapest Thursday, President Bush laid a wreath at a monument honoring the 50th anniversary of Hungary's failed 1956 uprising against the Soviet Union. When he gets back, President Bush will visit the monument honoring the 3rd anniversary of our failed invasion of Iraq: a gas station.

American Idol-Bulimia
"American Idol" runner-up Katharine McPhee is hoping her revelation that she has battled bulimia will help millions of Americans. But millions of us music fans already began to feel sympathy for bulimics when we all threw up while watching "American Idol."


The 6th installment in my Schmooze or Lose comic strip is now available online at the Schmooze or Lose Web site: Just click on "comics" on the homepage to read all the strips so far.

The 7th installment will premiere in the Jewish Journal of Los Angeles this Friday and appear on the site next Wednesday. Enjoy!

Special Alert!
Newsday is going to publish a special version of my soccer essay below on Friday. I'll post the link when it's live. Maybe I should stick with sports and politics and leave the comedy to the drug addicts.

Lab Rat Miracle
A once paralyzed rat is now walking after it received a stem cell transplant. It's an exciting breakthrough, but Christian groups say the rat is going to Hell.

Minimum Wage Hike Killed
Senate Republicans smothered a proposed election-year increase in the minimum wage Wednesday. Experts say poor people hoping for an increase made a critical error when for some reason, they didn't hire a bunch of $100 million lobbyists.

Top 5 Reasons Congress Won't Raise the Minimum Wage

5) Paying Americans more money might offend all those illegal aliens they're giving amnesty to

4) Sure, pay them $7.50 an hour and then they'll demand we stop listening to their phone calls!

3) Hey, if they want money, why don't these lazy people just get a job? Oh wait, they do have a job. Never mind.

2) If the poor got paid more money, they'd probably just blow it all on baby food and diapers anyway

1) If those poor people want to get more money from the government, they can run for office and steal it like everyone in Congress does!

NRA vs. U.N.
The NRA says that a U.N. conference scheduled for next month seeks a global treaty banning ownership of firearms. Actually if the U.N. tries to do that, we can be sure the ownership of firearms will remain legal forever.

FBI Spy Files
The FBI now admits it spied on playwright Arthur Miller and actress Marilyn Monroe when they were married in the 1950's. Agents were obsessed with learning the geeky Miller's secret to bagging hot chicks.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The World Cup and the European Mindset

By Jake Novak

This is not another one of those, “give soccer a chance and watch the World Cup” essays. Hey, if you’d rather watch baseball, basketball, or paint dry, go ahead. But if you’re politically curious, you should spend a little time watching to understand the European mindset, especially when it comes to predicting how it will play a role as we face the growing nuclear threats from North Korea and Iran.

I like soccer, but one thing I hate is the over-exaggerated, writhing-around-in-pain, looking-like-you’re-going-to-die move all the players pull after the slightest contact. I understand players need to do whatever they can to make sure fouls are called. Lord knows, NBA players overdo it when they acrobatically fly across the floor in hopes of getting a charging foul called. But in American sports, these theatrics usually end when the ball goes back into play. There’s no sense in keeping up appearances when the game is on, right? Well, not if you’re playing soccer. The acting jobs go on and on, even if the ball is dangerously close to the goal. But just like in American sports, arguing and theatrics rarely change a referee’s mind.

The foolishness doesn’t end there. Not only does the supposedly fouled player go into hyper protest mode, but the rest of the soccer team usually joins in… all at once! Somehow, scoring a goal or preventing an opposing score suddenly becomes less important than whining. This isn’t just a bad sportsmanship; it’s a darn good way to lose. You rarely see an entire NFL team stop everything while the ball is still in play to protest a non-call. In most NFL games, players often make tackles after the whistle and scoop incomplete passes off the turf just in case they heard or saw something wrong.

But as American advertisers are painfully aware, soccer is a game with running time and no real timeouts. Taking your eye off the ball at any time is a crucial mistake, especially when the chances for rewards are so low and the possibilities for disaster are so high. It goes without saying that the better way to win would be for the individual player to do an abbreviated flop, get back up as soon as possible and get back into the game. And it also goes without saying that the rest of the team should leave the arguing to the guys on the sidelines. The “aggrieved player/team syndrome” is a lot worse than the low-scoring games and ties.

But I can understand why international soccer teams make this mistake. As ESPN radio’s Bob Valvano explained on his show after the officials robbed the U.S. of its chance to win its World Cup match versus Italy, international soccer and most European sports leagues and officials, are obsessed with the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law. That’s why two U.S. players were ejected from that Italy game for light fouls the same way an Italian player was thrown out for darn near busting the nose of one of our guys. It’s all about following what it says in some rulebook, the tempo of the game and the justice of it all, (or lack thereof), be damned. With that in mind, why wouldn’t you devote all your energy to pointing out potential rules violations to the refs? If the game were officiated sanely, then playing sanely would be the only way to win. But since it isn’t, the players adapt by also being more concerned with the regulations than the action on the field.

What the heck does this have to do with our current troubles with Iran and North Korea? Well, soccer is the most accurate mirror of the European soul you’re ever going to find. And the customs of the game can tell us a lot about how European people and their governments approach negotiations, disputes, and crises.

The “letter of the law” obsession in soccer is very much in play when it comes to how Europe has dealt with aggressors like Iraq, Iran and North Korea for years. It’s not that the U.S. doesn’t try to follow the rules. It’s just that there comes a time when the details have to be passed over in favor of getting something done before it’s too late. We respect the rules, but what good is agonizing over rules when someone is about to launch an ICBM at you?

And there seems to be a friendly audience in Europe for over-exaggerated political protests just as there is for over-exaggerated injury displays on the pitch. Supposedly humiliated Muslims rioting in the streets over a newspaper cartoon are sympathized with. Palestinians crying in public over the targeted assassination of a known terrorist are given serious screen time. I can’t help but think these ridiculous displays are accepted in Europe because they’re not unlike the silly overreactions on the soccer field. It’s how the game is played, right?

I’m not saying the U.S. is playing the game very well either. If you’re going to bend the rules you have to choose your battles carefully, and an argument can be made that we didn’t choose too wisely by attacking Iraq the way we did and when we did. But I still have confidence that no matter who is president, the United States will think of its safety first and agonize about the rules later. I really don’t have that confidence when it comes to Europe, and what I’m seeing on the soccer fields of Germany isn’t boosting that confidence one bit.

So here’s my message to the Europeans: I love soccer. But please don’t play international politics by the same rules. Because no matter how much you love your teams, losing the geopolitical game is a lot more devastating than losing a sporting event. In this game, there is no injury time and no penalty shots. Oh, and remember the ball is always in play.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Top 5 Questions Anderson Cooper will ask Angelina Jolie on World Refugee Day

5) "Refugees often have their lives suddenly destroyed... kind of like what you did to Jennifer Aniston, right"

4) "Is seeing starving refugees really worse than watching 'Gone in 60 Seconds?"

3) "Do you realize that thanks to your hard work, millions of refugee African children are finally getting the attention from the paparazzi they've so desperately needed?"

2) "Refugees often lose family members forever... kind of like how I lost my brother to suicide. Did you know my brother committed suicide?"

1) "Refugees schmefugees, what does Brad look like naked?"

Hungry Bear
A Vancouver woman came home to find a young bear eating oatmeal in her kitchen. Police say the home invasion was an apparent revenge crime against the Goldilocks family.

Strip Club Arrest
A Florida man has been arrested after he left his infant son alone in a car while he went to a strip club. It's yet more proof that strip clubs need to provide babysitting.

Strip Club Arrest II
A Florida man has been arrested after he left his infant son alone in a car while he went to a strip club. Florida Governor Jeb Bush is responding by demanding that strip clubs offer free admission for customers under the age of 2.

Bush & Cheney Fundraising
RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman says President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have raised a total of $173.7 million for Republican Congressional candidates this year. The news is angering Republican donors who thought they were supporting Buish and Cheney's legal defense fund.

Rather Leaving
Dan Rather is leaving CBS and may do a weekly show on the HDNet high-definition network, which is hoping to grab viewers hoping to see all of Rather's wrinkles more clearly.

Mayor Snort
Bridgeport, Connecticut Mayor John M. Fabrizi admitted Tuesday he had abused cocaine while in office, but has no plans to resign. That's good news for local lobbyists who had already gone to the trouble of buying 3 keys on the street last week.

Saddam Trial Demand
The chief prosecutor in the trial of Saddam Hussein is now demanding that Saddam get the death penalty... shocking millions of Americans who had no idea the trial was still going on.

Mickelson Comment
After blowing the U.S. Open this weekend, Phil Mickelson is calling himself "an idiot." And to prove it, he's going to spend this weekend motorcycling with Ben Roethlisberger.

Saks Backtrack
Saks Fifth Avenue says it will re-establish its petite women's clothing department, after quietly dropping it several months ago because of poor sales. Actually, they dropped it because all the petite women were eaten by the customers in the plus size department.

Presbyterian Church Boycott
The Presbyterian Church is considering continuing its boycott of Israel-owned businesses... of course, they don't make scotch in Israel, so this is likely to have no effect.

New Trinity
The Presbyterian Church is also considering alternatives to the divine Trinity. From now on, "Father, Son and Holy Spirit" could also be known as "Mother, Child and Womb," "Rock, Redeemer, Friend," or "Father, Son, and Father's New 'Friend' Lance."

Brangelina's Future
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie say that after their natural birth experience with new daughter Shilo, their next child will be adopted. Also, next time they're going to get a kid with its own publicist.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Heather Mills Photos
Now that pornographic pictures of Paul McCartney's estranged wife Heather Mills has surfaced on the Internet, we've learned one important thing: Paul McCartney has a really good divorce lawyer.

Florida Helmet Law
The bad news is ever since Florida Governor Jeb Bush repealed Florida's helmet law, the number of motorcycle fatalities has jumped from 22 in 1998 to 250 in 2004. The good news is all of those 250 people voted for Jeb Bush.

NBA Finals Back to Dallas
After beating the Dallas Mavericks in overtime Sunday night, the Miami Heat will fly back to Dallas for game 6 in the NBA finals. Well, most of the players will fly from Miami to Dallas; Shaq just needs to take three giant steps.

Episcopal Bishop
The Episcopal Church elected Katharine Jefferts as its presiding bishop Sunday, making her the first woman to lead the church. Jefferts somehow stood out among her male competitors, who are also married to other men.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Here's the link: Newsday

Gates Announcement
Bill Gates has announced he will end his day-to-day work at Microsoft in two years... it'll take him at least that long to count all his money.

Gates' Plans
Gates says he's leaving Microsoft to focus on his philanthropic causes, and thus crush all competition from other charities.

Roethlisberger Revelations
Not only does Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger ride a motorcycle without wearing a helmet, apparently he plays the Ravens without wearing a cup.

Roethlisberger Revelations II
Roethlisberger has a history of this kind of reckless behavior. While in college in addition to not wearing a helmet while motorcycling, he also used to take Women's Studies courses without wearing a cup.

Roethlisberger Released
Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been released from the hospital after his motorcycle accident. He'll head for home by car as soon as Steeler coach Bill Cowher secures him in an infant child seat.

Ben's Commercial
Campbell's will still tape a commercial today for Chunky soup starring Ben Roethlisberger's mother, even though Ben won't be available. Ben has recovered enough to eat the soup in the ad, but he refuses to use a napkin.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


The latest (5th) installment in my Schmooze or Lose comic strip is now available online at the Schmooze or Lose Web site: Just click on "comics" on the homepage to read all the strips so far.

Every week, new strips premiere in the L.A. Jewish Journal on Fridays and then go live online the following Wednesday.


World Cup Stunner
Tunisia stunned and demoralized Saudi Arabia with a game-tying goal in the 93rd minute of Wednesday's World Cup match. Saudi Arabian leaders consoled themselves by buying Tunisia.

Top 5 Questions Anderson Cooper Should Have Asked Cher Tonight

5) “Where do you keep your original face?”

4) “‘Cher’ is a Cajun term of endearment used by people in New Orleans. By the way, what did you think of my work in New Orleans?”

3) “You cried so much at Sonny Bono’s funeral… kinda of like the way I cried when my brother committed suicide. Did you know my brother committed suicide?”

2) “Which do you think is more vacuous, your song lyrics or my book?”

1) “I’m pretty sure we have the same waist size… wanna switch pants?”

Bush on Iraq
President Bush is urging the American people to be patient on Iraq, noting that after his trip to Baghdad this week it's obvious to him that all we need to establish security in Iraq is to give everyone their own secret service detail.

Palestinian Hardship
Palestinians now face the third straight month without Western aid. It's getting so bad, the terrorists are having to buy used explosives on eBay.

UAW Election
The United Auto Workers have re-elected President Ron Gettelfinger to a second four-year term. Gettelfinger won over the rank-and-file members with his stirring promise to turn out the lights and lock the doors when everyone's gone for good.

Bush Visit
President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq Tuesday. It's not clear if he was there for political reasons or just to get some cheap gas.

World Cup Strategy
U.S. soccer coach Bruce Arena says he's going to use a different lineup in the team's second World Cup match this Saturday. That might work, but only if he replaces our guys with the players from the Brazilian team.

Other Match Results
France and Switzerland played to a 0-0 tie in Tuesday's World Cup action. Switzerland could have won, but it didn't want to break its vow of neutrality.

Hillary's Idea
Seeking a middle ground in the abortion debate, Senator Hillary Clinton says the nation's focus should be on preventing unwanted pregnancies... and she's willing to do her part by cutting her husband's balls off.

Kennedy Cops a Plea
Rep. Patrick Kennedy has pleaded guilty to driving while intoxicated. That's opposed to the other 434 members of the House who have been charged with legislating while intoxicated.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Roethlisberger Accident
Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is in serious condition after he got into a motorcycle accident while not wearing a helmet. If he's lucky, Roethlisberger will recover in time for this coming season when he'll take on about two dozen linemen who will try to take the rest of his head off.

World Cup Washout
The bad news is the Czech Republic whipped the U.S., 3-0 in Monday's World Cup soccer match. The good news is it'll be another four years before American sportscasters will have to pretend they give a damn about soccer.

Top 5 U.S. Soccer Team Excuses

5) It's Germany; they even put beer in the water bottles

4) Distracted by disturbing pre-game pep talk from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

3) Learned everything they know about big-time games from A-Rod

2) Wanted to get the game over with so they could all ride their motorcycles without a helmet

1) All the best American athletes play are busy playing real sports

Storm Coming
Tropical storm Alberto is bearing down on Florida, and the U.S. government has a special message for everyone who still lives on the Gulf Coast: You're all idiots!

Iraqi Oil
President Bush says improving Iraq's oil business is the key to stability in that country. That's weird, because the improving oil business is what's causing all the instability in America.

Gay Bashing?
A popular gay singer was attacked Saturday night in Manhattan Saturday night. It happened in the East Village, so police believe the singer may have been attacked for not being gay enough.

Camilla's Father Dies
Princess Camilla's father, Major Bruce Shand, died Sunday at the age of 89. What killed Shand is unknown at this time, but it could have something to do with the fact his daughter turned out to be the ugly broad who broke up the royal couple.

Sailor Killed
A Navy chief petty officer home on leave from the Middle East was shot and killed by a carjacker in Dallas this weekend. Democrats are now calling for America's complete withdrawal from Texas.

Gaza Deaths
Israel is apologizing for the deaths of seven Arabs at a Gaza beach on Friday. They were killed by accident by Israeli shells minutes before they would have been killed on purpose by other Arabs for wearing bathing suits in public.

Tony Awards
The Tony Awards were held Sunday night. This is when we honor and celebrate the most brilliant talents in the world; the guys who get widows from New Jersey to plunk $115 apiece for tickets to a stage version of a bad movie.

Mexico Beats Iran
In World Cup action, Mexico beat Iran 3-1 Sunday. The game prompted Lou Dobbs to remind everyone how illegal immigration is more dangerous than nuclear weapons.

Puerto Rican Day Parade
Millions of people turned out for the Puerto Rican Day parade up 5th Avenue Sunday. 2 Million were there to watch the marchers and one million people are still stuck in crosstown traffic from yesterday morning.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Puerto Rican Day Parade

5) "Hey, his car horn doesn’t play 'la cucaracha'… let’s get him!"

4) "There are 30 frightened looking Hasidim here who didn’t know the Salute to Israel Parade was LAST week!"

3) "There are 2 million Puerto Ricans here, and 3 million Puerto Ricans watching the World Cup at a bar on Pelham Parkway."

2) "How dare those building owners board up their windows… we brought our best bricks and everything!"

1) "I’ve got a great idea… after this, let’s tie up the Cross Bronx for 4 hours!"

Sunday, June 11, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Thursday, June 08, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Here's the link: Newsday

Zarqawi Dead
The good news is U.S. forces have killed Iraq's leading terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. The bad news is Osama bin Laden took out a $5 million life insurance policy on him.

Top 5 Real Reasons We Got Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

5) We learned his location when he accidentally pushed one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up!" buttons for elderly terrorists

4) The stoner who always delivers Zarqawi's food from Baghdad Taco finally remembered his address when questioned by the Special Forces

3) Gave away his address while trying to order DirecTV for the World Cup

2) Reports came out that he supported gay marriage

1) When you drop a dozen bombs a day, you're bound to get lucky

Code Pulled
In a stunning about-face, the Chinese government is yanking the controversial thriller "The Da Vinci Code" from all of the country's theaters after a three-week run. Officials in Beijing believe nation's movie pirates have had plenty of time to illegally copy the movie by now.

Estate Tax Vote
Critics say the Republican bill to repeal the estate tax would only help 1% of Americans. It's just that those 1% of Americans give 100% of the donations to the Republican party.

Military Info Theft Latest
Investigators say the stolen laptop with sensitive financial information on hundreds of thousands of active duty soldiers may have had its memory wiped. That's weird, because usually the government doesn't forget everything about our troops until after they've come home.

DeLay Advice
In his farewell address to Congress, Tom DeLay warned his colleagues about the pitfalls of compromise... words that will ring true when he's forced to make a difficult plea bargain.

Markets Weak
The stock market's sharp selloff continues. It's getting so bad the nation's CEO's are worrying that soon there won't be any more money left to steal.

Gallant Sir Paul
Paul McCartney is defending his estranged wife Heather Mills, even as pornographic pictures of her have surfaced in the press. McCartney says he's speaking up for Mills because he still loves her... and the hot pictures are making their separation a little easier on him.

Top 5 Good Things You Didn't Know about the U.N.

5) Known terrorists have to pay extra for parking

4) Theft of charitable donations is now at 75%, down from 78% last year

3) The pizza in the cafeteria is half price every Wednesday after 2pm

2) To help the environment, all the Jew-hating speeches given in the General Assembly are recycled every year

1) At least they have the one large building in Manhattan that isn't owned by stinking landlords

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Eichmann Revelation
New documents show the CIA knew the whereabouts of Nazi war criminal Adolf Eichmann more than two years before his capture by the Israelis, but did nothing to pursue him... mostly because there was no evidence he supported gay marriage.

Top 5 Ben Bernanke Gaffes

5) Says he's fighting inflation, but keeps giving his kids a higher allowance

4) When potential buyers come to his neighbor's open house, he tells them to "just wait another 20 years"

3) Often seen crying at the supermarket checkout

2) Expects his neighbors not to notice he's been hoarding water, food rations, and gold bricks in his garage for the last two months

1) Thinks the Bush administration actually has an economic policy

Iran's Response
Iran says a proposal by the world's biggest powers to curtail Tehran's nuclear program contains some "positive aspects"... especially the part where everyone continues to cower in fear before a nation run by maniacs.

Omen Opens
In a lame bit of marketing, Hollywood decided to release a dull remake of "The Omen" Tuesday because it's 6/6/6. The good news is we won't have to go through that again for at least another 100 years.

Canadian Terror Plot
Investigators say the 17 arrested Muslim terror suspects planned to behead the Canadian prime minister, Stephen Harper. Experts say it would have made more sense for the plotters to cut off something Harper actually uses.

Shaq Loves Pat
Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neil says Pat Riley is the "best coach he's ever had." It was something Shaq just blurted out after Riley let him go back for thirds at the hotel buffet.

Hawks New Home
Bird watchers say Manhattan's famous hawks, "Pale Male" and "Lola" have now been spotted making a nest in the apartment building where former Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown lives on Central Park West. Actually, I would think if there were any birds living near Gurley Brown, they'd be buzzards.

Top 5 Quotes from Rep. Patrick Kennedy's first post-rehab News Conference

5) "I've been an addict all my life... and a few weeks at a cushy country club rehab center have definitely scared me straight."

4) "My cousin John got the looks, Caroline got the brains... I got the drugs."

3) "You know when you complain about Congress and say things like: 'What are they, on drugs?!?' Well, now you know."

2) "This isn't exactly something I was born into, but I will say that my baby formula was 180 proof."

1) "I want to thank Rush Limbaugh for being gentle with me, not on his show, I mean when we were sharing a room in rehab."

Stocks Slump
Experts say the Dow lost nearly 200 points Monday because of high gas prices and rising interest rates. We've had high gas prices and rising interest rates for years now; imagine what will happen when the market finds out George W. Bush is the President.

Abbas Plan
Palestinian President Mahmoud has given Hamas 10 days to accept a proposal that calls for Israelis and Palestinians to live side by side in separate states. Hamas is expected to approve the plan since it doesn't say anything about not being able to kill people.

Scary Day
Tuesday is 6/6/06, usually a day when people would be afraid that Satan will take over the Earth... you know, if he hadn't done that already.

Conspiracy Convention
The two-day "9/11 Truth" conspiracy theory convention wrapped up in Chicago last weekend... but not before a farewell address from Elvis.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Gay Marriage FAQ

1) How does gay marriage threaten "traditional marriage?"

Beats the crap out of me, but WHATEVER YOU DO, don't ask President Bush that question in a news conference. Do that and you'll be the next unnamed detainee in Guantanamo faster than you can say "wiretap."

2) There's got to be some way gay marriage threatens heterosexual marriage, right?

Okay, I didn't want to tell you this but you're pushing me. You know your mom and dad? Here's a news flash: they basically hate each other's guts. If you're one of the 60% of American kids whose parents have already split up or never married in the first place, you already know this. Now imagine you're one of the millions of American couples who got married before 1975 and are still married for some reason. Chances are the biggest reason you got married in the first place was because that's what society expected of you. When living together became relatively acceptable in the 70's that's when the divorce rate went sky-high. So now the gays are coming around and proving that the only real reason to get married is to be legally bound to the one you truly love. Guess who feels uncomfortable faced with that truth?

3) Won't banning gay marriage protect children?

Yeah, the kids languishing in orphanages all over the world who can't get homes because they're the wrong age, race, or whatever will now be protected from the horror of living a non-institutionalized life. If we let gay couples adopt these kids and give them a real home, they might be taken away from eating rice pudding three meals a day and getting raped and beaten by orderlies making minimum wage. I know I feel better already.

4) What's an "Activist Judge?"

"Activist judge" is a right wing code word for someone who tries to extend human rights to people who aren't rich, straight, or religious. Our 100% straight and not gay soldiers aren't dying in Iraq to protect our freedoms only to see some judicial weenies give those freedoms to every taxpaying citizen like it was nothing. Why can't those judges just give all the illegal aliens amnesty and be happy with that?

5) If there's no way this amendment will pass, why is President Bush and the Republican Congressional leadership pushing for this bill?

Probably because these guys still shower together in the Senate locker room and they don't want to feel uncomfortable. Oh, and the gazillion dollars in cash they'll get from Ralph Reed and Jerry Falwell won't hurt. And it's not like hopeless causes bother anyone in this administration, see Iraq, Social Security privatization, No Child Left Behind, illegal immigration, Hurricane Katrina relief, etc., etc., etc.

6) If I support gay marriage, does that make me gay?

It sure does. And you and your gay-loving masses will be featured in more Republican campaign commercials this fall south of the Mason-Dixon line than anyone could think possible.

7) Won't allowing gay marriage be the slippery slope to allowing other kinds of strange unions?

Man, that is so true! If we allow two men to get married, what's to stop us from allowing THREE men from getting married? If we allow two women to get married, what's to stop us from allowing two women and a CAT to get married? If we allow two cats to get married, what's to stop us from... OH SHUT THE HELL UP!

8) President Bush was already re-elected, why is he pushing this?

Let's just say that cushy post-presidential job at Enron ain't there anymore. If he wants to keep living half as well as Cheney on the Halliburton perpetual bribery pension plan, he'll need to snag some big speaking fees at Bob Jones University and every other right wing Evangelical institution he can. You don't really think this guy actually wants to live a quiet life on his ranch do you?

9) Does President Bush have any other personal stake in this matter?

Well, it wouldn't help his approval ratings if everyone found out Condi Rice is about as interested in men as getting her teeth fixed. Clamping down on gay lifestyles ensures no one in his administration will be coming out of the closet anytime soon. And with two wild child daughters known for drinking themselves silly, he needs a preemptive strike against any possible "girls gone wild" videos of the two of them kissing each other. There's about a 65% chance that video is already out there somewhere anyway.

10) What can I do to help fight gay marriage?

Here's an idea: don't marry a gay person.


The illustrator par excellance, Michael Ciccotello has pulled the trigger on a fantastic Web site for our new comic strip "Schmooze or Lose." It is now truly live with real content and an animated homepage! Please check it all out at:

Salute to Israel Parade
The annual Salute to Israel Parade was held in New York City Sunday. The parade is unique; it's the one day each year that Jews come together and complain about everything BUT Israel.

White House Arrest
The Secret Service says an apparently deranged man named Roger Witmer was arrested Sunday after he tried to climb over the White House fence. Witmer was later positively identified as the guy in the Homeland Security Department who decided to give more money to Omaha than New York City.

Terror Arrests
Canadian police say the 17 Muslim men arrested Saturday on terrorism conspiracy charges kept in touch via the Internet. That means 15 of them are dangerous killers, and the other two guys are a couple of idiots who thought they were in a gay Arab chat room.

Gore's Future
Al Gore says he's all but ruled out running for president in 2008, because he enjoys talking about global warming more. Of course, a Gore campaign and global warming are both impending disasters.

Haditha Outrage
Many critics are asking why the U.S. government didn't move quickly to learn the truth about the alleged massacre in Haditha and still isn't working fast enough... I guess those people never heard of New Orleans.

Hevesi Gaff
New York State Comptroller Alan Hevesi is in trouble for saying that "someone should put a bullet between President Bush's eyes." Critics say someone should aim for a part of the president that's actually working.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 10 Ismar Schorsch Excuses

10) Didn't mean to attack all rappers... just West Coast rappers

9) Was auditioning for the role of the "angry old man" at the Camp Ramah theater

8) He's been morose ever since the JTS football team lost to Notre Dame 49-0

7) The lines about the "bland" Conservative Chumash were supposed to be about the meals at the JTS cafeteria

6) Not angry at all students, just the ones who didn't buy his book

5) His entire JTS retirement package is $53 in cash and a box of stale Tam-Tams

4) They scheduled graduation during his usual nap time

3) His official Seminary portrait was done by a graffitti artist

2) Wanted to alienate everyone so they really welcome Arnie Eisen

1) Had to bash Conservative Jews to get that job he wants at the Jewish Press

Friday, June 02, 2006


The second weekly installment of my new comic strip, "Schmooze or Lose" is on the streets of L.A. right now in the L.A. Jewish Journal. The Schmooze or Lose Web site is under construction, but check out the nifty preview page here: Schmooze or Lose and click on our names for links to this site and illustrator Mike Ciccotello's artistic site.

In the coming days, Schmooze or Lose will feature past strips, character bios, creator bios, and an interactive email feature where fans will be able to ask the characters questions.


Thursday, June 01, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Here's the link: Newsday

New Batwoman
DC Comics says it's introducing a new Batwoman character who will be a lesbian. Wait a minute, Batman and Robin have been running around in tights for 60 years and they're making HER the gay one?

Iran Talks
In a major breakthrough in the Iranian nuclear crisis, the U.S. Britain, China, France, Germany and Russia have all agreed to talks with Iran... oops they forgot to invite Iran.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the First Talks with Iran

5) "We're only agreeing to these talks because Magneto wouldn't agree to come to Tehran."

4) "We want free trade, food, and first pick in next season's NFL fantasy draft."

3) "Does this turban match my shoes?"

2) "Are they really making Batgirl a lesbian? That's hot!"

1) "Seriously don't worry, we don't even know how to charge an iPod."

Spelling Bee Live
ABC broadcast the final round of the national spelling bee on primetime TV Thursday. The contestants spent Wednesday night partying with strippers and talking steroids.

Bush Haditha Reaction
President Bush says he's "troubled by the news reports" of a possible massacre at Haditha. He's not troubled by the possible massacre, he's troubled that they made it into the news.

Bush Promises Punishment
President Bush is promising "punishment" if any Marines are guilty of a massacre in Haditha... and he'll get to that as soon as he finishes his serious promise to fire whoever in his administration leaked Valerie Plame's name to the news media.

Top 5 Reasons Not to Get Too Upset About Haditha

5) At least they didn't kill anyone important, like a cute American TV news reporter

4) Well, the taxpayers won't have to pay for those guys' college tuition

3) At no time during the alleged massacre did any Marine draw a picture of Muhammad

2) It's getting harder every day for the troops to tell the innocent civilians from the dangerous Christian Science Monitor translators

1) It's not like the Marines went to a party with the Duke Lacrosse team or anything

Couric Farewell
It was a bittersweet farewell to Katie Couric on the "Today" show Wednesday. The tributes from the rest of the cast and crew were beautiful, but they were marred somewhat when Couric insisted on giving everyone one last colonoscopy live on the air.

Delta Deal
Delta Air Lines pilots have agreed to painful 14% wage cuts to avoid a strike. Now the only people making tougher concessions are the passengers.

3-Armed Baby
A baby in China has been born with three arms. This is such a sad story; the people who need three arms are parents!