Monday, June 05, 2006

Gay Marriage FAQ

1) How does gay marriage threaten "traditional marriage?"

Beats the crap out of me, but WHATEVER YOU DO, don't ask President Bush that question in a news conference. Do that and you'll be the next unnamed detainee in Guantanamo faster than you can say "wiretap."

2) There's got to be some way gay marriage threatens heterosexual marriage, right?

Okay, I didn't want to tell you this but you're pushing me. You know your mom and dad? Here's a news flash: they basically hate each other's guts. If you're one of the 60% of American kids whose parents have already split up or never married in the first place, you already know this. Now imagine you're one of the millions of American couples who got married before 1975 and are still married for some reason. Chances are the biggest reason you got married in the first place was because that's what society expected of you. When living together became relatively acceptable in the 70's that's when the divorce rate went sky-high. So now the gays are coming around and proving that the only real reason to get married is to be legally bound to the one you truly love. Guess who feels uncomfortable faced with that truth?

3) Won't banning gay marriage protect children?

Yeah, the kids languishing in orphanages all over the world who can't get homes because they're the wrong age, race, or whatever will now be protected from the horror of living a non-institutionalized life. If we let gay couples adopt these kids and give them a real home, they might be taken away from eating rice pudding three meals a day and getting raped and beaten by orderlies making minimum wage. I know I feel better already.

4) What's an "Activist Judge?"

"Activist judge" is a right wing code word for someone who tries to extend human rights to people who aren't rich, straight, or religious. Our 100% straight and not gay soldiers aren't dying in Iraq to protect our freedoms only to see some judicial weenies give those freedoms to every taxpaying citizen like it was nothing. Why can't those judges just give all the illegal aliens amnesty and be happy with that?

5) If there's no way this amendment will pass, why is President Bush and the Republican Congressional leadership pushing for this bill?

Probably because these guys still shower together in the Senate locker room and they don't want to feel uncomfortable. Oh, and the gazillion dollars in cash they'll get from Ralph Reed and Jerry Falwell won't hurt. And it's not like hopeless causes bother anyone in this administration, see Iraq, Social Security privatization, No Child Left Behind, illegal immigration, Hurricane Katrina relief, etc., etc., etc.

6) If I support gay marriage, does that make me gay?

It sure does. And you and your gay-loving masses will be featured in more Republican campaign commercials this fall south of the Mason-Dixon line than anyone could think possible.

7) Won't allowing gay marriage be the slippery slope to allowing other kinds of strange unions?

Man, that is so true! If we allow two men to get married, what's to stop us from allowing THREE men from getting married? If we allow two women to get married, what's to stop us from allowing two women and a CAT to get married? If we allow two cats to get married, what's to stop us from... OH SHUT THE HELL UP!

8) President Bush was already re-elected, why is he pushing this?

Let's just say that cushy post-presidential job at Enron ain't there anymore. If he wants to keep living half as well as Cheney on the Halliburton perpetual bribery pension plan, he'll need to snag some big speaking fees at Bob Jones University and every other right wing Evangelical institution he can. You don't really think this guy actually wants to live a quiet life on his ranch do you?

9) Does President Bush have any other personal stake in this matter?

Well, it wouldn't help his approval ratings if everyone found out Condi Rice is about as interested in men as getting her teeth fixed. Clamping down on gay lifestyles ensures no one in his administration will be coming out of the closet anytime soon. And with two wild child daughters known for drinking themselves silly, he needs a preemptive strike against any possible "girls gone wild" videos of the two of them kissing each other. There's about a 65% chance that video is already out there somewhere anyway.

10) What can I do to help fight gay marriage?

Here's an idea: don't marry a gay person.


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