Roethlisberger Accident
Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is in serious condition after he got into a motorcycle accident while not wearing a helmet. If he's lucky, Roethlisberger will recover in time for this coming season when he'll take on about two dozen linemen who will try to take the rest of his head off.

World Cup Washout
The bad news is the Czech Republic whipped the U.S., 3-0 in Monday's World Cup soccer match. The good news is it'll be another four years before American sportscasters will have to pretend they give a damn about soccer.

Top 5 U.S. Soccer Team Excuses

5) It's Germany; they even put beer in the water bottles

4) Distracted by disturbing pre-game pep talk from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

3) Learned everything they know about big-time games from A-Rod

2) Wanted to get the game over with so they could all ride their motorcycles without a helmet

1) All the best American athletes play are busy playing real sports

Storm Coming
Tropical storm Alberto is bearing down on Florida, and the U.S. government has a special message for everyone who still lives on the Gulf Coast: You're all idiots!

Iraqi Oil
President Bush says improving Iraq's oil business is the key to stability in that country. That's weird, because the improving oil business is what's causing all the instability in America.