Thursday, June 08, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Here's the link: Newsday

Zarqawi Dead
The good news is U.S. forces have killed Iraq's leading terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. The bad news is Osama bin Laden took out a $5 million life insurance policy on him.

Top 5 Real Reasons We Got Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

5) We learned his location when he accidentally pushed one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up!" buttons for elderly terrorists

4) The stoner who always delivers Zarqawi's food from Baghdad Taco finally remembered his address when questioned by the Special Forces

3) Gave away his address while trying to order DirecTV for the World Cup

2) Reports came out that he supported gay marriage

1) When you drop a dozen bombs a day, you're bound to get lucky

Code Pulled
In a stunning about-face, the Chinese government is yanking the controversial thriller "The Da Vinci Code" from all of the country's theaters after a three-week run. Officials in Beijing believe nation's movie pirates have had plenty of time to illegally copy the movie by now.

Estate Tax Vote
Critics say the Republican bill to repeal the estate tax would only help 1% of Americans. It's just that those 1% of Americans give 100% of the donations to the Republican party.

Military Info Theft Latest
Investigators say the stolen laptop with sensitive financial information on hundreds of thousands of active duty soldiers may have had its memory wiped. That's weird, because usually the government doesn't forget everything about our troops until after they've come home.

DeLay Advice
In his farewell address to Congress, Tom DeLay warned his colleagues about the pitfalls of compromise... words that will ring true when he's forced to make a difficult plea bargain.


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