NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Gates Announcement
Bill Gates has announced he will end his day-to-day work at Microsoft in two years... it'll take him at least that long to count all his money.

Gates' Plans
Gates says he's leaving Microsoft to focus on his philanthropic causes, and thus crush all competition from other charities.

Roethlisberger Revelations
Not only does Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger ride a motorcycle without wearing a helmet, apparently he plays the Ravens without wearing a cup.

Roethlisberger Revelations II
Roethlisberger has a history of this kind of reckless behavior. While in college in addition to not wearing a helmet while motorcycling, he also used to take Women's Studies courses without wearing a cup.

Roethlisberger Released
Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been released from the hospital after his motorcycle accident. He'll head for home by car as soon as Steeler coach Bill Cowher secures him in an infant child seat.

Ben's Commercial
Campbell's will still tape a commercial today for Chunky soup starring Ben Roethlisberger's mother, even though Ben won't be available. Ben has recovered enough to eat the soup in the ad, but he refuses to use a napkin.