Sunday, August 28, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Aruba Case
Police in Aruba have rearrested two brothers in connection with the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. Experts say Aruba's constant charging and recharging of the suspects probably won't yield any new evidence in this case, but it will keep O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake from ever coming to the island.

Aruba Case II
Police in Aruba have rearrested two brothers in connection with the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. The authorities have vowed not to rest in this case until Nancy Grace's ratings take a dive.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Hospital Shutdown
The base closing commission has approved plans to shut down Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, even though the facility is famous for treating Presidents and Members of Congress. Of course, that’s why it’s being getting closed down; politicians never pay their bills.

Hospital Shutdown II
The base closing commission has approved Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s plan to shut down the famous Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington. Rumsfeld believes that by closing the hospitals, people won’t find out that our soldiers are still getting killed and wounded in Iraq.

Studying the Undergrads
An Anthropology professor at Northern Arizona University decided to study undergraduates by actually living in a dorm and taking college courses for a year. Many of her fellow Anthropology professors wanted to do the same, but on their salaries, no one else could afford the tuition.

Studying the Undergrads II
An Anthropology professor decided to study undergraduates by actually living in a dorm and taking college courses at Northern Arizona University for a year. Next year, she’ll complete her research by attending a REAL university.

California Blackouts
Rolling blackouts hit Southern California yesterday because of supply problems. The loss of power was a huge inconvenience to thousands of Californians, but a major reprieve for the studio audiences watching all the crappy pilots being taped for the new fall TV season.

Reality Writers Sue
Hollywood writers for several of the reality shows on FOX TV are suing the network, charging it with violating labor laws and subjecting them to unfair conditions. If the writers win their case, just think how much money everyone who watched those shows could get!

New Implants
Women across the world are excited by news that two biotech companies are developing better breast implants that feel better, look better, and only respond when being touched by men willing to pay for them.

Miss America Leaving
The Miss America pageant is moving from its Atlantic City home to a place where officials say beauty contests are more popular and profitable… a place more commonly known as the 19th century.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Top 5 Ways Americans are Cutting Back on Gas

5) No longer driving to the mailbox at the end of the driveway and back

4) Elderly Americans who went to Canada to get cheaper prescription drugs just not bothering to come back home

3) Now non-religious Americans are home schooling their kids just so they won’t have to drive them to class

2) Only going out for the essentials, like cigarettes and Lotto tickets

1) Walking to gas station, filling jug, then walking it back home to their massive, unnecessary SUV’s

USS Cole Suit
A federal judge has ruled that victims of the terrorist attack on the USS Cole can pursue a lawsuit against the government of Sudan. If successful, the plaintiffs are expected to be compensated with a portion of the proceeds from Sudan’s two biggest exports: deposed dictators and sand.

Global Warming Warning
Scientists now say ice is melting in the Arctic at such a rate, that the oceans are reaching ice-free levels not seen in a million years. Pat Robertson is reacting by calling on the U.S. to assassinate the Sun.

New Freshmen
Today’s college freshmen were born in 1987, which means they’ve never known a world without Starbuck’s, or been able to afford any Starbuck’s coffee with their own money.

Gym Study
A new study shows that high school girls are more likely to exercise vigorously while they're in girls-only physical-education classes. Not surprisingly, the study also found that when boys are separated from girls in school, they tend to exercise more vigorously as well… but later in the day when they’re home alone.

Base Closing Reversal
A Congressional committee has voted to reverse the Pentagon’s decision to close two naval bases in the Northeast. As much as the Congressmen would have liked to stick it to New England, it turned out that no one in the red states knows how to maintain any boats that don’t catch catfish.

Iraqi State Plan
Shiites in Iraq are bitterly opposed to an American plan to divide the country into several states, as opposed to making it one big nation. It’s not that the Shiites have any religious objections; it’s just that they really don’t want to pay all those tolls whenever they drive cross-country.

Subway Cell Service
Plans are underway to set up cell phone service on the New York City subway, but only on the platforms, not on the actual trains. Which means you still should be able to hold about a two-hour conversation while you’re waiting for the damn D train.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Fuel Efficiency Standards
The White House is now calling for fuel efficiency standards for SUV’s and pickup trucks. But the oil companies are responding with the sure-fire method they’ve used for decades whenever they’re faced with conservation efforts; they’re giving some jobs to members of the Bush family.

Subway Security
The defense contractor Lockheed Martin has been hired to improve security on New York City subways. But the company’s engineers still haven’t come up with a missile strong enough to destroy even half the rats.

Robinson vs. Chavez
Televangelist Pat Robertson is calling on the U.S. to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Of course the easiest way to do that would to make Chavez watch Robertson’s show.

Robinson vs. Chavez II
Robinson made his comments on “The 700 Club,” which is a program named after the estimated number of viewers the show still has.

FBI Wedding Sting
The FBI arrested 87 people in a sting operation after convincing the suspects they were all invited to a seaside wedding. Authorities say they seized $4.4 million dollars worth of counterfeit money, drugs, and awful-looking figurines that weren’t even on the gift registry.

Pataki Tapes
New York Governor George Pataki is calling for criminal charges to be filed against the people responsible for taping some of his private phone conversations. But everyone else wants to give these people a medal for finally giving them something to help them fall asleep.

Kmart Charges
The SEC is charging the former CEO of Kmart with deliberately making misleading statements… not for covering up bad accounting, but for trying to fool people into thinking Kmart actually sold things that aren’t completely tacky.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Constitution Vote
The two major factions in the new Iraqi government have agreed to wait three more days before holding a final vote on the new constitution. Each side figures the other will probably lose some key votes in the three daily car bombings before then.

Missing Boyfriend
Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend has been missing since July 1st. Police believe he may have gone to the same place where Newton-John’s career disappeared to 20 years ago.

Top 5 Worst Party Schools

5) University of California at Chino State Prison

4) Perpetually Frozen Great Lake University

3) Florida Elderly University

2) Bob Jones’ even more Conservative Brother Frank Jones University

1) The College of William, Mary, and Their Three Toddler Kids

Rudolph Apologizes
At his sentencing yesterday, convicted bomber Eric Rudolph apologized to the victims of the Olympic Park bombing, but not to the victims of his attacks on an abortion clinic and a gay nightclub. Experts say doing that could hurt Rudolph’s chances of winning the Republican nomination for Governor of Georgia if he ever gets out.

Stem Cell Breakthrough
Scientists have announced they've discovered a way to work with embryonic stem cells without having to follow the controversial step of destroying human embryos. But conservative Republicans won’t agree to fund the new project until they find out if the scientists believe in evolution.

Synthesizer Inventor Dies
Robert A. Moog, the inventor of the synthesizer, has died at age 71. The only person responsible for making more lousy musicians sound decent is the guy who invented ecstasy.

Love Pregnant?
Reports say that Courtney Love is pregnant, shocking scientists who believed that nothing could actually live inside Love’s body for any period of time.

Disguised Terrorists
The government is warning that terrorists may pose as homeless people to stake out buildings and mass transit stations for future attacks. But they should be easy to spot; they’ll be the panhandlers asking for a dollar so they can buy a cup of Turkish coffee.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Gaza Evacuations
After days of tough confrontations and emotional scenes, the forced evacuation of Jewish settlers from Gaza is almost complete. It’s clear now that the only tougher people to evacuate are New Yorkers with rent-controlled apartments.

Rocket Attack Arrests
Jordanian officials have quickly arrested some suspects after terrorists in that country fired two rockets at a pair of U.S. naval ships but missed by a mile. It was actually easy to make the arrests; authorities just had to look for the only people in Jordan who had played for the Knicks.

Box Office Hit
The new comedy, “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” was tops at the box office this weekend. Coming in second was a documentary about Supreme Court Justice David Souter… that’s called “The 60-Year-Old Virgin.”

Saddam The Martyr?
In a letter to his family, Saddam Hussein has offered to be a “martyr” for Palestine… which is no big deal since all the reporters at the BBC promised to do that years ago.

Mistaken Killing
New reports now say that the Brazilian man mistakenly killed by British agents during rush hour on the London subway last month was not acting suspiciously and was actually walking very slowly. Of course people walking slowly during rush hour on the New York City subway are usually killed by the other commuters.

Laptop Textbooks
An Arizona high school is abolishing all textbooks in favor of laptop computers in every classroom. The local school board had no trouble getting the funding, the only hard part was finding a way to block out all web sites that mentioned evolution or condoms.

Manning Hurt
New York Giants starting quarterback Eli Manning may have developed an injury that could keep him sidelined for most of the season. Well, that’s all well and good for him, but how can the rest of us New Yorkers avoid having to watch the Giants for the next 19 weeks?

Top 5 Things Overheard During Pope Benedict’s Visit to the Cologne Synagogue

5) “Hey, nice Yarmulke!”

4) “Pope, schmope, at least he could’ve brought a decent bottle of schnapps”

3) “Sorry, Your Holiness, but that’s the Holy Ark, not a confessional”

2) “In your honor, we’re going to sing Adon Olom to the tune of ‘Ave Maria’”

1) “When the Rabbi’s sermon is finally over, we send white smoke out of the chimney”

Sunday, August 21, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Vioxx Verdict
The jury in the Vioxx case has found in favor of the plaintiff and ordered drug-maker Merck to pay the victim $253 million... which coincidentally, is about what it costs to get a year's worth of Vioxx without health insurance.

Terrorists Miss
Terrorists in Aqaba, Jordan fired rockets at two U.S. Navy ships, but missed, killing a Jordanian soldier instead. The incident is shocking the entire world, which was unaware that there were any actual Jordanian soldiers.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Top 5 Things the Gaza Protestors and Palestinian Radicals Have in Common

5) They both do their best “grieved’ look when the TV cameras are around

4) They both do most of their showering by water canon

3) They both have lots of relatives in Brooklyn

2) None of them can get a date

1) They’re both definitely using the same barber

Psyching Up the Soldiers
To get reluctant Israeli soldiers to forcibly evacuate their fellow Jews in Gaza, army commanders had to convince them they were doing what’s best for the country… and when that didn’t work, they just told the soldiers to pretend the settlers were reporters for the BBC.

Madonna Recovering
Despite breaking several bones in a horse riding accident Wednesday, Madonna is reportedly feeling better. The accident is not expected to delay the release of her new album, which is making everyone else in the world feel worse.

Alzheimer’s Study
Scientists now believe that people with graduate degrees are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease… but that’s only because the tuition bills kill them first.

Sheehan Goes Home
Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a Marine killed in Iraq who has been camping out at President Bush’s ranch in Crawford, is going back home to visit her sick mother. Sheehan says she needs to see her mom before Bush changes Social Security and kills her too.

Sheehan Goes Home II
While Cindy Sheehan is leaving, hundreds of other protestors will remain outside the Crawford ranch… but that’s only because they can’t afford the gas to drive home.

Xbox is Expensive
Video game fans are angry that Microsoft will charge about $400 for the new Xbox. Of course anyone willing to spend $400 on a video game system probably doesn’t have to worry about spending money on things like a wife, kids, or friends.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Gaza Pullout Moving Along
Despite fears for the worst, Israeli troops say they are having little trouble clearing most of the remaining Jewish settlers out of Gaza. Apparently, most of the settlers have been agreeing to leave peacefully as soon as they are given new jobs at tourist-trap electronics stores in Times Square.

Top 5 Reasons the Kansas City Royals Have Lost 18 in a Row

5) Rafael Palmeiro took all their steroids

4) Running the bases in the summer is really tiring!

3) Players have been depressed ever since Brad and Jen broke up

2) They don’t want to start winning and make George Steinbrenner mad

1) The only more inept group in America works in the White House, and they don’t get paid as much!

Ohio Governor Charged
Ohio Governor Bob Taft has been charged with accepting dozens of free gifts, including professional hockey tickets. Taft is denying he did anything wrong, especially since these days, professional hockey tickets are absolutely worthless.

Heroin Deaths
New York City police believe six recent deaths may be linked to a tainted batch of heroin. Democratic city council members are responding by demanding that Mayor Bloomberg provide all New Yorkers with some better heroin.

ABA Lauds Roberts
The American Bar Association has given Supreme Court nominee John Roberts an impressive “well qualified” rating… not because he’s a great judge, but because he always overcharged his clients when he was in private practice.

ABA Lauds Roberts II
The American Bar Association has given Supreme Court nominee John Roberts an impressive “well qualified” rating… of course, that’s only impressive to the three people who still think it actually takes intelligence and decency to be a lawyer in America these days.

Unhappy T.O. Returns
Terrell Owens has returned to Philadelphia Eagles training camp, but he’s still complaining about the team non-stop. In other words, he's acting just like an Eagles fan.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Top 5 New FOX Shows Now that Roger Ailes is Completely in Charge

5) Boston Private

4) The Biggest Liberal

3) Malcom on the Right

2) That Neocon Show

1) Republican Idol

Madonna Injured
Madonna broke several bones while riding a new horse at her English estate yesterday. Doctors say she won’t be able to speak in her fake British accent for at least two weeks.

Madonna Injured II
Madonna broke several bones after being thrown by a horse at her English estate yesterday. Apparently, the stallion thought Madonna was taking him to one of her movies.

“No Fly List” Problems
Because of glitches in the nationwide “no fly” anti-terror list, hundreds of toddlers and babies have been kept from boarding domestic flights… but aside from those members of Congress, no one else has been inconvenienced.

Bonds Return?
After saying injuries would keep him out all season, Barry Bonds now thinks he may return to the San Francisco Giants next month. Apparently, Bonds just can’t wait any longer to go back to insulting the media and all the fans.

CNN Virus
A massive virus wiped out CNN's computers last night, erasing all the data for the network's early prime time shows. Luckily, Lou Dobbs had already memorized all the anti-immigration scripts he's been using on his show every night for the last three years.

CNN Virus II
A massive virus wiped out CNN's computers last night, erasing all the data for the network's early prime time shows. But it's not clear if the virus did any more damage to the network than CNN management has done already.

Ward Holdout Ends
The Pittsburgh Steelers have convinced Hines Ward to come back to training camp, even though he didn’t get the better contract he wanted. He did, however, get the Steelers to drop their demand that he change the spelling of his first name to “Heinz.”

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Top 5 Things Carl Icahn Wants to Change About Time Warner

5) Fire whomever is responsible for turning CNN into "Eyewitness News at 11"

4) Get those people on "The Gilmore Girls" to talk slower!

3) Make whoever actually decides to send those AOL CD's to everyone on Earth to publicly eat every one of them on national TV

2) More shows with naked breasts on HBO!

1) Make everyone happy and just get rid of the Atlanta Braves

Constitution Breakdown
The Iraqi government has postponed ratification of its new constitution until it can agree on how much power religion should have in its society. The U.S. would like to help, but our government can’t figure that one out over here either!

Demi & Ashton
In an interview for the new issue of Vanity Fair, Demi Moore talks about how Ashton Kutcher is her true soul mate. Right now the only people buying that line are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

250 Miles a Gallon!
A California man named Ron Gremban has come up with a simple device that allows his hybrid car to get up to 250 miles a gallon. It’s not clear which oil company will assassinate him first, but Mr. Gremban has about 48 hours to live.

Jimmi’s Lie
A new book says that Jimmi Hendrix was able to stay out of Vietnam by telling his draft board that he was a homosexual. So pretending to be gay is responsible for some of rock’s greatest music, but also about 200 stupid episodes of “Three’s Company.”

Harvard Research
Harvard University launching a research project to study how life really begins… in other words those Harvard geeks are just trying to see pictures of naked women.

Roberts on School Prayer
New records show that in 1985, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts favored bringing prayer back to the public schools. But those views seem tame and irrelevant now that conservative Republicans are mostly working to abolish public schools.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Too Hot
It was so hot this weekend; Rafael Palmeiro actually put all of his steroids into a popsicle!

Limbaugh to the Rescue
Rush Limbaugh is offering his services to help settle the feud in the Philadelphia Eagles camp between wide receiver Terrell Owens and quarterback Donovan McNabb. Limbaugh won’t exactly be doing any counseling, but he will give them six truckloads of his spare prescription tranquilizers.

Gaza Pullout
Most of the eight thousand Jewish settlers are slowly moving out of Gaza. The Israeli government is moving their possessions and even some of their buildings, while Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is offering to take all the leftover food.

Gaza Pullout II
Now that most of the Jewish settlers have left Gaza, they’ll have to go to new homes and learn how to do new jobs, learn how to deal with new surroundings, and learn how to shave.

Gaza Pullout III
The Jewish settlers moving out of Gaza are being compensated by the Israeli government for all their abandoned homes. Meanwhile, Palestinians in Gaza will be compensated by Saudi Arabia for all their unused bombs.

New White House Chef
Cristeta Comerford has been chosen as the first woman head chef at the White House. Of course, Comerford had an advantage over the other applicants; she was the only one who knew that President Bush likes his chicken nuggets cut to look like little dinosaurs.

Pirro’s Husband Trouble
Critics say New York Senate candidate Jeanine Pirro’s husband, who has fathered a child out of wedlock and been to jail, will hurt her campaign. Not because of his activities, but because voters will naturally think he’s more qualified to be a U.S. Senator.

Pirro-Clinton Similarities
Both New York Senator Hillary Clinton and her challenger, Jeanine Pirro, have been screwed and betrayed by their husbands… well; at least they know what it’s like to be one of the voters!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Friday, August 12, 2005

CIA Clears Iranian President
The CIA now says it believes new Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was not involved in the taking of U.S. hostages in Tehran 26 years ago. It turns out he was able to get out of hostage-taking duty by getting a cushy job in the Iranian National Guard.

No Smoking Policy
Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut have both announced they will enact a No Smoking policy at all their restaurants. The fast food chains are devoted to making sure their customers die of heart disease, not lung cancer.

Top 5 Signs that Fuel Prices are Out of Control

5) Second mortgage lenders are now setting up shop at local gas stations

4) Restaurants are still serving vinegar and oil salad dressing, but you have to leave a deposit first

3) Michael Jackson actually seen trying to board a bus... oh wait, that was a school bus

2) Tom Cruise breaking up with Katie Holmes for younger actress with a hybrid car

1) Guy who changes the price signs at your local gas station is in the hospital for exhaustion

Trans Fat Ban
The New York City health department is asking all city restaurants to stop cooking with trans fats in their kitchens; it's just not that good for the rats.

Oil for Food Evidence
Investigators continue to find evidence of UN officials who benefited from the "oil for food scandal." Meanwhile, White House officials continue to profit from an economic scheme most Americans know as the "oil OR food scandal."

Hero Cabbie
The cop-killing married couple who escaped from a Tennessee courthouse were caught thanks to a cab driver who didn't believe their cover story. Of course. when the cabbie first realized they were really a pair of murderous criminals and not Amway salespeople, he was actually relieved.

Heathrow Hell
British Airways has suspended all flights out of Heathrow Airport, because of a labor dispute. The move is unprecedented for British Airways, whereas stranding 20,000 airline passengers indefinitely is something United Airlines does about twice a week.

Bush Promise
President Bush is refusing to reduce the number of U.S. troops in Iraq. Bush insisted that withdrawing our forces too soon would deny every Iraqi's right to die in a car bombing.

Palmeiro Back
Rafael Palmeiro returned to the Orioles from his 10-day steroid suspension yesterday, but he did not play in last night's game versus the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Palmeiro didn't want to come back into the lineup until the Orioles faced a real team.

Rapist Search
Police in Pinellas Park, Florida are locking down pools citywide as they search for a rapist. Apparently they're worried the man will try to hide underwater for days at a time.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Highway Bill
President Bush signed a $286.4 billion highway construction bill yesterday, saying it will bring better roads to all Americans. Too bad most Americans can't afford to drive on any roads right now.

Top 5 Things President Bush Likes about the New Highway Bill

5) Gets America working again… as ditch diggers and road pavers

4) More road construction should eliminate those annoying trees that are still hanging around some parts of the country

3) Gives all the extremely cash-poor oil companies some light at the end of the tunnel

2) More roads means more Americans stuck in traffic listening to Rush Limbaugh

1) He loves the smell of fresh tar in the morning

Homeland Security Fears
Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff says Americans shouldn't worry about turning over personal information to the government — especially if they want to be safe from terrorism in a post-9/11 world. And he added that we really shouldn't get too upset since the government started illegally spying on all of us years before 9/11 anyway.

Jeb's Protest
Florida Governor Jeb Bush says the NCAA's decision to ban Native American team names and mascots is "ridiculous." He then continued his more important work trying to find a new excuse to reopen the Terri Schiavo investigation.

Detroit Chemical Explosion
An explosion at a hazardous waste plant rocked Detroit earlier this week. Before the incident, the plant had been the only part of Detroit that wasn't already on fire.

General Fired Details
It turns out the Army fired 4-star General Kevin Byrnes because he was having an extra-marital affair with a civilian. 2 ½ years of occupying Iraq and THAT's the invasion the Army calls illegal?

High School Work Ethic
A new survey shows that almost nine in 10 American teens say they would work harder if their high school expected more of them. They expressed strong support for more homework and harder tests, just as long as they can keep bringing their guns to school.

$100 Million to the Moon
A private company is selling two trips to the moon for $100 million each. Sure that's a lot of money, but think of all the frequent flier miles you'll be getting!

Video Game Freak
A 28-year-old South Korean man died of exhaustion in Seoul yesterday after playing video games non-stop for 49 hours. Friends say his other obsession was watching porn, but he only needed to do that for seven minutes at a time.

Tennessee Fugitives
Police are still looking for a married Tennessee couple that staged a deadly courthouse escape Tuesday. Cops say the couple probably won't succeed in eluding them for long, but they have already succeeded in getting Nancy Grace to talk about something on her show other than that teen missing in Aruba.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Interest Rate Hikes
The Federal Reserve policymakers pushed interest rates up for the 10th straight time yesterday. This is all part of the Fed's brilliant plan to bring prices down by increasing the cost of everything.

Top 5 More Effective Ways to Curb Inflation

5) Send all Hummer owners to Gitmo

4) Force all health insurance company executives to take regular cross-country bus trips with angry elderly people

3) Pass new law forcing New York City landlords to actually provide running water in all apartments selling for $1 million or more

2) Inform the Knicks that they can only raise season tickets prices if they win

1) Elect a President who can count

Angry About Iran
Iran is showing all signs of continuing its nuclear weapons program. This is seriously angering President Bush who only knows how to start wars that are unnecessary.

Angry About Iran II
Iran is showing all signs of continuing its nuclear weapons program. Great, so that means all the hard work the guys at the CIA have been doing to make false evidence against Iran has been for nothing!

No Clocks
The Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles has decided to remove all the working clocks from each of its license branches. Of course, they already removed all the working employees from those offices years ago.

Disney Case
A judge has ruled that Disney executives did have the right to give former president Michael Ovitz a $140 million severance package. But the court also ruled that Disney had no right to charge people any money to see "Herbie, Fully Loaded."

General Fired
The Pentagon has relieved four-star General Kevin Byrnes for a matter of "personal conduct." It's not clear exactly what the charges are, but it probably has something to do with the fact that Byrnes insisted on showering every night at Abu Ghraib prison.

Shuttle Lands
The Space Shuttle Discovery landed safely yesterday in California. The landing was more than 24 hours late and 3,000 miles away from its scheduled destination... but that's still better than what you usually get when you fly United!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Pirro vs. Hillary
Republican state prosecutor Jeanine Pirro has announced her decision to run against Hillary Clinton for the Senate in 2006. Usually when Hillary is challenged by another woman, it’s because she’s sleeping with her husband.

Jennings Dies
Long-time ABC World News Tonight anchorman Peter Jennings has died. Although he was only 67, he still outlived network news by about five years.

Jennings Successor
With the death of Peter Jennings, ABC news executives will now retire to a secret conclave from which they will not emerge until they choose a successor. We’ll know they’ve made their choice when we can see a white, male anchor ascending to the roof of ABC headquarters in Lincoln Square.

Oil for Food Charges
Former UN “Oil for Food” program chief Benon Sevan has been charged with taking bribes. Investigators say they always suspected Sevan since he was the only UN official who had actually paid his New York City parking tickets.

Left at the Filling Station
A Macedonian man left his wife at an Italian service station yesterday, and only realized he had driven off without her six hours later. Had this happened in America, everyone would have just assumed he had left his wife at the gas station as a down payment.

Energy Bill Signed
President Bush says the new energy bill he just signed into law will take many years to show any positive effects… except for oil company executives, who plan to spend their free government money on new houses and mistresses right away.

War Criminal Found
A top Bosnian Serb war crimes suspect, indicted by a U.N. tribunal for some of the worst atrocities in the Bosnian war, was arrested Monday in Argentina. He was found living near the home once occupied by Adolf Eichman in Buenos Aires’ famous “fugitive war criminals district.”

Monday, August 08, 2005

Discovery Landing
The Shuttle Discovery is set for a pre-dawn landing after a 12-day mission. NASA scheduled the landing before 6 AM because it wants to capture as much of President Bush’s attention before “Barney” starts on PBS.

“Dukes” Wins the Box Office
“The Dukes of Hazzard” won the weekend box office battle despite bad reviews in every newspaper in the country. Of course, the critics made the fatal mistake of assuming “Dukes of Hazzard” fans could actually read the newspaper.

Russian Sub Crew Safe
Seven Russian sailors are now safe after they were trapped at the bottom of the Pacific for three days with little oxygen in their mini submarine. The men will now go back home where they are expected to star in the first-ever Russian deodorant commercial.

Top 5 Things Overheard in the Trapped Russian Sub

5) “This is like a reality show, but without all those cameras and some dude walking around naked.”

4) “I wonder how President Putin will blame this on the Chechens?”

3) “Well, at least we’re safe from the Russian mob here!”

2) “Okay, I’ve got good news; MSNBC is willing to send a crew to rescue us, but we have to say we’re runaway brides getting attacked by sharks.”

1) “Hey, maybe Tom Clancy will get a decent book out of this.”

Voting Rights Act March
Thousands of demonstrators joined the Rev. Jesse Jackson this weekend to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act, which paved the way for full citizenship for African Americans. Now the only thing Black Americans don’t have is someone worth voting for.

Netanyahu Quits
Angry over the planned Gaza pullout, former Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has quit Israel’s ruling cabinet. Netanyahu said he made his decision because, “there comes a time when you have to be true to yourself”… Netanyahu is still waiting for the time when he feels he has to be true to his wife.

Netanyahu Quits II
Angry over the planned Gaza pullout, former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has quit Israel’s ruling cabinet. Netanyahu waited until the vote on the pullout was final, so he could score political points with the settlers without actually having to do anything for them.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Friday, August 05, 2005

Palmeiro Perjury?
Members of Congress are considering charging Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro with perjuring himself during Congressional hearings earlier this year. The Congressmen aren't angry that Palmeiro lied about taking steroids, but because he never gave them those free Viagra samples like he promised.

New Zawahri Tape
In a new video Ayman al-Zawahri says his terror group was behind the recent London bombings, even though there seems to be little evidence of any direct connection to al Qaeda. He continued to stretch his credibility by also claiming responsibility for the recent hurricanes, shark attacks, and Tom Cruise.

Roberts Secret Work
It turns out Supreme Court nominee John Roberts has worked both for the cosmetics industry and gay rights groups in the past. Roberts didn't publicize his work with the cosmetics industry, because he didn't want Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg to ask him for samples, and he didn't want to publicize his work for gay rights because he didn't want to get Justice Souter to ask him for samples.

Hezbollah Sanction
More than 50 U.S. senators want President Bush to designate Hezbollah's television station as a terrorist body... of course, these are also the Senators who want the same designation for PBS.

Crazy Flying Woman
A woman was arrested Wednesday for attempting to open an airplane exit door while on a United Airlines flight to Seattle. Since it appears she was trying to bail out on the flight before it landed, it's obvious the woman was a United executive.

Bush on Terror
President Bush says the London bombings mean we have to "stay on the offensive" against terrorism. So I guess the President thinks "staying on the offensive" means waiting to see what the terrorists do first.

Shuttle Repairs Done
NASA has decided that there will be no need to repair a tear in the thermal blanket on the Shuttle Discovery's hull. A blanket on the hull? Is this a space shuttle or a '72 ford pickup?

Top 5 Reasons Robert Novak Lost it on CNN Yesterday

5) Wanted to curse on National TV, so he could get his own show on satellite radio

4) Needed to do something to impress Dick Cheney

3) Finally realized that nobody wears three-piece suits anymore

2) Hoping to get some voice-over work for the next edition of "Grand Theft Auto"

1) Geez it was CNN, nobody was watching anyway

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Dog Cloning
South Korean researchers have become the first scientists to successfully clone a dog. The Korean team admits they weren't trying to achieve a breakthrough; it's just that a few extra friends came over for dinner and they needed seconds.

Dog Cloning II
Scientists all over the world are excited by the genetic breakthrough achieved by the South Korean team that successfully cloned a dog. But dogs across the world are excited that the cloning has finally made it easy for them to smell their own butts!

Time Warner Settlement Fund
Time Warner has put $3 billion in reserve to respond to shareholder lawsuits stemming from its disastrous merger with AOL. It will also need to set aside an additional $5 billion to respond to angry viewers in the wake of the disastrous changes at CNN.

Shuttle Repairs
Discovery astronaut Steve Robinson successfully repaired some protruding material from the shuttle's underbelly yesterday, but there may be more work needed. Geez, for $800 billion you'd think they'd be able to take it back to the dealer for repairs!

Top 5 Additional Repairs Needed on Shuttle Discovery

5) In-flight DVD player needs to be fixed before crew starts asking "are we there yet" for 500,000 miles

4) The back of the shuttle really needs a new air freshener

3) Astronauts would really like to break the speaker that blasts the crappy wake up music from Houston every morning

2) Shuttle commander's cup holder just a little too small to hold that Big Gulp Slurpee she's been craving

1) The "When the Shuttle's A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'" bumper sticker is starting peeling off

Extra Time for Martha
After taking some unsupervised trips outside her house, Martha Stewart's home confinement has been extended for another three weeks. Stewart is agreeing not to fight the extension, as she believes being made to take the extra punishment will make her just bitchy enough to successfully run her company again.

Sony Settlement
A federal court has ruled that Sony Pictures must pay $1.5 million to moviegoers because favorable reviews for five of its recent films turned out to be fakes. But the court is not forcing the studio to make any payment to millions of film fans who were disappointed to learn that there really is no Spider-Man.

Adidas Buys Reebok
Adidas is looking to challenge Nike with a takeover of Reebok. Adidas is paying $3.8 billion for the deal, but to gain additional "street cred," it's having Reebok founder Paul Fireman killed in a drive-by shooting.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Bad Landing
All 309 passengers on a Paris-to-Toronto Air France jet escaped the blazing wreckage after a landing accident yesterday. It's not clear if the passengers are grateful because they safely escaped the burning jet, or because they safely escaped from France.

Bad Landing II
The 309 passengers and crew who survived yesterday's crash are all thankful now, but most of them will wish they were dead after they're asked to do 500 interviews on all the cable TV networks over the next 24 hours.

Fahd Funeral
Saudi Arabia's King Fahd was buried yesterday outside Riyadh. The funeral took longer than expected because every time they dug a new grave they struck oil.

Iranian Nukes
Iran is considering delaying its nuclear weapons program. Iranian leaders are beginning to wonder why they need nukes when they're already killing plenty of Americans with these gas prices.

Jen Bashes Brad
Jennifer Aniston is criticizing her estranged husband Brad Pitt, saying he has a "sensitivity chip missing"... not unlike the acting chip she’s been missing all her life.

CAFTA Signed
President Bush signed the Central American Free Trade Agreement yesterday, praising it as a way for the people of Central America to finally get access to more U.S. goods… because there are just so many Hondurans dying to pay $65 for the same Polo shirts they were paid 6 cents an hour to make in the first place.

Bolton's First Day
New U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. John Bolton seemed to be getting off on the right foot when he appeared to present his credentials to Secretary General Kofi Anan yesterday... but actually he was handing him a bill for all his unpaid New York City parking tickets.

CNOOC Drops Bid
China's government-owned oil giant CNOOC has dropped it's bid to buy an American oil company, saying resistance to the deal in the U.S. Congress was "regrettable and unjustified.” Regrettable because it could lead to Asian-bashing, and unjustified because they were willing to pay-off all the Congressmen in cash.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Bolton Appointed
Even though John Bolton has viciously criticized the United Nations in the past, President Bush has used a recess appointment to make him U.S. Ambassador to the UN. But by going to work everyday to a place that he absolutely hates, Bolton will become just like every other American employee.

Top 5 “Diplomatic” Things John Bolton Will Do as U.S. Ambassador to the UN

5) Tell French ambassador he “really smells”

4) Throw staplers at entire Syrian and Iranian delegations twice daily

3) Ask African delegates to “stop wearing their mother’s tablecloths and put on some real clothes!”

2) Tell Israelis they better start praying to Jesus if they want to keep getting U.S. support

1) Tell Kofi Annan to get his son to steal some food for his lunch

New Saudi King
Saudi Arabia’s King Fahd died Sunday and has been replaced by his half-brother Abdullah. In a solemn ceremony, Abdullah’s head was anointed with 10 gallons of Super Premium unleaded.

Palmeiro Busted
Major League Baseball has suspended Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro for testing positive for steroids. Now if Palmeiro wants to use drugs to help him score, he’ll just have to settle for Viagra.

Juvenile Jail Report
A new report shows that sexual assaults occur much more often in juvenile prisons than adult jails. Upon hearing the news, Michael Jackson immediately contacted California prosecutors and offered to change his plea to guilty provided he can be sent to juvenile prison.

GM Shifts
General Motors is discontinuing its “employee discounts for everyone” program and is now just going to cut prices across the board. If this doesn’t work, GM is considering actually making some cars that don’t suck.

Ford & Eminem
Ford has decided not to allow Eminem to use one of its cars in a new music video because of obscene lyrics in the song. In other news, Chrysler is pulling its vehicles from several scenes in “Grand Theft Auto.”

Gore’s Network
“Content,” the new cable network conceived and run by Al Gore, began broadcasting this week. After he leaves the White House President Bush also wants to launch a network that embodies his vision for America, but somebody already started the Cartoon Network.

Crash Death Rate Down
The death rate from car crashes went down for the second straight year in 2004. Fewer people are dying while driving because they’re getting fatal heart attacks when they see the prices at the gas station.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Mets Don’t Get Manny
The Boston Red Sox have decided not to trade slugger Manny Ramirez to the New York Mets after all. Now if the Mets want to get an overpaid big hitter, they’ll have to settle for Russell Crowe.

Missing Boy Found
After an exhaustive search, a Connecticut boy who disappeared at Yankee Stadium Friday night has been found. The only person Yankee employees have looked harder for this season is a decent middle reliever.

Bush Physical
Doctors put President Bush through a complete physical over the weekend at the Bethesda Naval Hospital. Of course, Bush doesn’t mind having the physicals twice a year because Dick Cheney already gives him a rectal exam every day.

Roberts Memos
The White House is continuing to refuse to release the memos Supreme Court nominee John Roberts wrote while he was working for the first President Bush in the early 1990’s. That’s because each of the memos warns President Bush that his idiot son is actually thinking of running for President.

Diddy Prize
Music mogul P. Diddy is hosting a party at his Miami home where he promises to give $100,000 in cash to the best-dressed celebrity of the night. Usually, Diddy only has to fork over that kind of money to radio stations who agree to play his music.

Bombing Motive
The newly arrested suspects in the botched London subway bombings say they were angry about the war in Iraq and wanted to terrorize the people of England… something they were finally able to accomplish by appearing half-naked on British TV during their arrests.

Pumped-Up Hurricanes
Scientists around the world agree that hurricanes have definitely become stronger in recent years, but they can’t agree whether it’s because of global warming or because they need to be strong to get as much cable news coverage as missing teens and runaway brides.

Bible Study Decision
A Texas school board has voted to allow a Bible study course to be included in its public high school curriculum. It’s not clear who’s happier with the decision, evangelical Christians, or high school students in China and India who are now even more likely to take those Texas kids’ jobs in about 5 years.

Wendy’s Deal
Wendy’s has decided to sell some of its share of the Tim Horton’s Donuts chain. Wendy’s is hedging its bets by taking the profits from that sale and investing in prescription heart medication.