Monday, July 31, 2006


Israel's cabinet has okayed a plan to expand its ground offensive against Hezbollah in Lebanon. As proof of how successful campaign has been so far, the Israelis are pointing to the number of Hezbollah guerillas killed, and the fact that even MSNBC is getting better ratings.

Now that Israel has decided to expand the ground war in Lebanon, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has directed his military to heighten its readiness... to run the other way.

Israel now says it will only end its attacks in Lebanon when Hezbollah returns its kidnapped soldiers and Mel Gibson returns his Oscars.

Republican Senator Chuck Hagel is calling on the White House to force Israel to end its attacks in Lebanon, or else "we risk alienating all our friends in the Arab world." He's got a point; it's got to be real tough for those three Arab guys right now.

Sources say Israel's air strikes will resume "in full force" after a 48-hour suspension to allow refugees to move north and to observe the Major League Baseball trading deadline.

Hezbollah did not shoot a single rocket into Israel Monday. It's either because they were observing a cease fire, or their Iranian repairman had the day off.


Top 10 New Mel Gibson Movies in Production

10) Shame and Prejudice

9) What Jappy Women Want

8) Schindler's Big Mistake

7) We Were Soldiers… in all the Wars Started by Jews

6) Kikes on a Plane!

5) Payback the Cheap Jews

4) Conspiracy Theory II: Just Blame the Jews

3) The Merchant of Venice II: Revenge of the Jew

2) The Chronicles of Hezbollah

1) Lethal Circumcision

Mel's Penance
Mel Gibson has entered an alcohol rehab program after his arrest for drunk driving. And to cure him of his Anti-Semitism, his roommate at the clinic is Hezbollah leader Sheik Nasrallah.

Mets Trade
Just before the trading deadline, the Mets picked up pitchers Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez from the Pirates for Xavier Nady. The deal gives New York some extra bullpen help and allows them to avoid going to the postseason with a player who has a French name.


The podcast JNewslight had a short mention about this site and my decision to humor blog the war in Israel. You can hear the whole thing by clicking here: JNews Podcast

Sunday, July 30, 2006


After launching its longest-range rocket ever on Friday, Hezbollah says it still has more "secret weapons" to use against Israel. But that may not be true anymore now that Mel Gibson has been arrested in California.

Israel is apologizing for the civilians who died when its air force hit a building in the town of Qana, Lebanon today. Of course, when Israel kills civilians, it's a mistake. When Hezbollah kills civilians, it's a triumph.

Israel agreed to halt air strikes on southern Lebanon for 48 hours so it can investigate the raid that killed more than 60 civilians in Qana. Hezbollah will take this time to find 60 more civilians to hide behind.

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan is again condemning the violence and says he's "deeply dismayed" that his earlier calls for ending hostilities weren't heeded... not because he cares about the Lebanese, but because now EVERYONE knows how irrelevant he is.


Gibson Recovery
Mel Gibson says he's deeply ashamed by his DUI arrest and is taking "necessary steps to ensure my return to health." But that's what he said after "Lethal Weapon IV."

Gibson Apologizes
Mel Gibson has issued an apology after being arrested for drunk driving on Friday. Gibson says he really isn't blaming anyone for his alcoholism, but he does think Budweiser is a Jewish guy out to get him.

Gibson Epithets
A leaked police report says that Mel Gibson made some Anti-Semitic comments when he was arrested by police for drunk driving Friday. This story is coming as a major shock to everyone in America who was sure there were no Jewish traffic cops.

Gibson Epithets II
A leaked police report says that Mel Gibson made some Anti-Semitic comments when he was arrested by police for drunk driving Friday. Gibson's lawyers are denying that, saying he was only telling the officers that he was, "F**ked up on Manishewitz."

Gibson Epithets III
Police sources say what Mel Gibson actually said when being arrested for drunk driving was that "the f**king Jews have caused all the f**cking wars in this world." Mel be out of work in Hollywood, but he will now get an offer to be an on-air analyst at the BBC.

Saturday, July 29, 2006


A 31-year-old Pakistani-American man says his "anger at Israel" prompted him to go on a shooting rampage at a Seattle Jewish center yesterday, killing one woman and injuring four others. Even though no Pakistanis have been harmed in the war in Lebanon, the U.N. is praising the suspect's "proportionate response" to the fighting.


Gibson DUI
Mel Gibson has been arrested for drunk driving in California. While being led away, Gibson was heard saying, "He turned my water into wine again!"

Gibson DUI II
Mel Gibson has been arrested for drunk driving in California. Now comes the hard part for Gibson; finding a decent Jewish lawyer to defend him.

Friday, July 28, 2006


Israel has called up 30,000 reservists in a possible prelude to a larger invasion of Lebanon. The remaining 3.8 million people in Lebanon have just remembered that they're really Americans and need to be evacuated.

In his new videotape promising to aid Hezbollah, Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri appears to be in a poorly-constructed studio with inadequate lighting. Apparently, he's either hiding out on the set of a porn movie or a local TV news station.

Al-Zawahiri's video first aired on al Jazeera... not in a news story, but in one of the station's public service announcements.

Al-Zawahiri's support for Hezbollah is shocking many experts who never thought the Sunni al qaeda would help the Shiite Hezbollah. Isn't it nice when suicidal hatred brings people together?

The possibility of a combined al Qaeda and Hezbollah terror force has many people worried. But there's no way it could turn out worse than the AOL/TimeWarner merger.

A Katyusha rocket caused a major blaze at a laundry detergent factory in Kiryat Shmona today. Apparently, personal hygiene of any kind is offensive to Hezbollah.


Landis Flunks
Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has failed a drug test. This will serve to remind all American cyclists that before they compete, they need to get Barry Bonds' lawyer.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT & COMIC ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

AND the latest installment of my comic strip SCHMOOZE OR LOSE is up on the website

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


Top 10 Most Popular Hezbollah Bumper Stickers

10) "To ride in this van you need to give me cash, hash, or a katyusha rocket"

9) "Don't blame me, I voted for... no democracy"

8) "My other car is... in Iran"

7) "I go from 0 to 60 formal U.N. complaints in 5 seconds"

6) "If this car breaks down, it is the will of Allah"

5) "Honk if you're going to an honor killing"

4) "Don't like my Driving? Call 1-800-Beheaded"

3) "Have a nice Jihad"

2) "What Would Shiek Nasrallah Do?"

1) "Keep driving America, we need the money!"

More than 200 Iranian men have volunteered to join in Hezbollah's fight against Israel. It's not clear whether they really admire Hezbollah, or if they just want to get the Hell out of Iran before the government starts nuclear testing.

Israel says it's inflicted heavy casualties among Hezbollah fighters in the last two days. Hezbollah will not release its own casualty figures; it's only saying that "about 720,000 virgins are really busy in heaven right now."

Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki of Iraq addressed a joint session of Congress Wednesday, promising that his country will not fall to the terrorists... especially because he wants it to be strong enough to attack Israel.

Arab-Americans caught in Lebanon are decrying the devastation in that country. Ali Abbas Tehfi of Los Angeles says, "it was worse than a nightmare; the worst I have ever seen." Well, I guess he's never been on the 405.

Lebanon's prime minister says his country is hiring lawyers to sue Israel for war reparations. Boy, if he thinks Israel is ravaging his nation, wait until it gets a statement for billable hours.


Former 'N Sync star Lance Bass, says he's gay and in a "very stable" relationship. You know you're a has-been when you come out of the closet and people still don't give a damn.

General Motors reported better-than-expected second quarter results Wednesday... proving that either the company's restructuring plan is working, or Americans just like buying crap.


The reasons why most of the news media does such a bad job covering conflicts like this are not just because many reporters and executives are anti-Israel. It’s also because the structure of news that, for a long time now, has decided to “personalize” every story and make major wars and other disputes about the “little guy caught in the middle.” This may be a good way to cover a car accident or a fire, but even then it’s flawed. And it’s downright disastrous to follow this model in a war.

Another way to look at it is to imagine if we discovered the cure for all kidney disease. Much of the news coverage would be about the doctors behind the breakthrough and the people it would save, but I guarantee you someone would also do a sympathetic piece about the janitor at the local dialysis clinic who was now out of a job.

If you’re still having trouble visualizing all of this, why not read this article about the bombing of Berlin during World War II that I’ve re-written as if it were done today under today’s prevailing journalistic customs. Here it is:

British Bombers Bombard Berlin, “Humanitarian Crisis” Feared
By Drew Middleton, Cable to the New York Times (re-imagined for today by Jake Novak)

LONDON, Thursday November 25, 1943-

64-year-old Hans Lagerfeld is a simple man. He sells ties and hats at a haberdashery in Berlin and says he loves peace. But his peace was shattered last night when the British RAF dropped more than 1,000 pounds of high explosive and incendiary bombs near his home and shop, making him fear for his life.

“My family and I are about to become refugees. This is a disaster, and for what? Because the Fuhrer is trying to conquer Britain and burn London to the ground? It’s so clear the English are overreacting, probably because of Churchill’s ‘Jewish lobby,” he added.

Making matters worse, dozens of roads and bridges in Berlin have been destroyed, leaving the city’s innocent civilians with no way out. It’s feared that a few more days of this could bring food shortages and other problems.

26-year-old Kristina Hunst is learning to do without.

“Last night we couldn’t get our usual shipment of Jewish books to burn at the weekly bonfire,” she said, barely able to hold back tears. “And I wasn’t able to hear the Fuhrer’s radio address because the electric power was out. Why do they hate us so much?”

In the last three days, more than 5,000 pounds of explosives have rained down on this peaceful and beautiful city once known as “the Paris of Central Europe.” Now, much of it lies in ruins, sending a crushing blow to the city’s growing tourist industry.

“This is a disaster. We just cleared some rich, blood-sucking Jews out of this townhouse and turned it into a bed & breakfast last year, and now we’ll have to shut down,” complained Hans Muntz, Berlin’s Vice-Minister for Tourism and Conventions. “If the Western powers think this will accomplish anything, they’re wrong. Now we will hate them even more! I hope they’re happy,” he added.

Not everyone is stuck in Berlin. Estella Yungermeister and her three young children were lucky enough to escape the constant bombardment when she boarded a train to France and found shelter with her husband, who is living in a chateau in the south of that country along with some fellow Wehrmacht officers. Luckily for Frau Yungermeister, her husband is a Lt. Colonel in the Panzer Corps, living in plush conditions he says were “donated” to him by the owners in 1940.

“My children were crying every night. They kept asking me why the thunder was so loud, and whether the beloved Fuhrer was angry with them,” Frau Yungermeister wailed. “They used to just be afraid of the Jews coming and killing them and using their blood for making matzo on Passover, but now they are really terrified all the time,” she complained.

Her husband has also been terrorized by British bombers.

“Just the other day, Otto, Fritz and the rest of us guys took a half track out for a little drive, and just then a bomber zeroes in on us and drops a load that almost killed me! I realize we’re at war, but the British need to see the destruction they’re causing. I could have been killed! And all I was trying to do was my job.” Col. Yungermeister insisted.

The innocent children aren’t the only ones asking these tough questions.

“What have we done to deserve this?” asked Lagerfeld as he surveyed the damage to his shop. “Sure, we shipped a few million Jews and Gypsies to the gas chambers, but does that warrant this kind of destruction? It’s too bad the League of Nations isn’t around to help secure an immediate cease fire,” he said.

Later in the day, German Minister for Propaganda Josef Goebbels took me on a tour of some of the ravaged sections of the city.

“Do you see any Messerschmitts or artillery gunners here?” Goebbels asked rhetorically as we stood in front of a destroyed factory of some kind on the outskirts of town. “Why are they attacking us? The British are cowards, and to Churchill I say: ‘We will never surrender! We will never surrender! We will never surrender!”

Hitler himself was not available for an interview, but millions of Germans heard his voice today over the national radio after the broadcast blackout was ended.

“I am unharmed and strong,” asserted Herr Hitler during the broadcast. “And I want you all to know that I did not go into the bomb shelter when the cruel but pointless British bombs began to fall. The reason you did not see me was because I was in another secret location, risking my life for the Fatherland!”

But while Hitler has come through unscathed and strong, the same cannot be said for the brave but tragic residents of places like Willhelmstrasse and Alexanderplatz, two areas that once were teaming with families and children but are now totally demolished.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Critics are asking the White House why it's supplying Israel with weapons to destroy Beirut while at the same time paying for the rebuilding of the city. The Bush administration is reacting by asking Israel to bomb New Orleans.

Experts say Israel is waiting for the perfect moment to fully invade Lebanon, like when the international news media loses interest in the story. So, the IDF probably just needs to wait until Christie Brinkley gets married again.

Hezbollah continues to deny that it's using civilians as human shields in Lebanon. However, the local Arabic papers continue to run Hezbollah want ads for anyone over 350 pounds.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is proposing a combined Turkish and Egyptian military force to stabilize the situation in southern Lebanon. The U.N. would call that a peacekeeping force, but Hezbollah would probably call it "reinforcements."


Special School Mergers
Several state-run schools for the blind are considering cost-cutting mergers with schools for the deaf. Of course institutes for the blind and deaf don't always save money, just look at the U.N.

Cloning Clown
Disgraced scientist Hwang Woo-suk says he used about $3 million of government grant money in a failed attempt to clone pre-historic mammoths. It's the biggest waste of money on a supposedly scientific endeavor since Star Jones' gastric bypass.

Self Image
New studies show that an equal number of white and black women are unhappy with their looks. It's just that all the white women think their butts are too big and all the black women think their butts aren't big enough.

Monday, July 24, 2006


U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise stop in Beirut this morning before heading to Jerusalem. This infuriated the Lebanese leaders, who would have swept up some of the rubble had they known she was coming.

U.N. humanitarian chief Jan Egeland has actually accused Hezbollah of "cowardly blending" among Lebanese civilians. Well, that's the end of Egeland's career at the U.N.

Egeland is also asking the world to cough up about $140 in humanitarian aid for Lebanon. That money will actually be given to Hezbollah fighters to help them find somewhere else to live.


Gas Price Spike
Despite gas prices reaching an all-time high, U.S. demand for gas is still higher than it was last year. That's because we're all driving around more looking for a place that sells cheaper gas.

Case "Sorry"
AOL co-founder Steve Case now says he's "sorry" for engineering the company's merger with Time Warner. Case explained that had he known the Time Warner board members were so gullible, he would have just stolen their wallets.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio


Top 5 Accceptable Israeli "Proportional Responses" to Hezbollah Terror

5) Arrange for a bunch of Israeli mothers to celebrate when their sons blow themselves up

4) Find junked car, set it on fire for BBC cameras, riot... repeat

3) Force people of Lebanon to watch 17-hour "Facts of Life" marathon

2) Start burning everything in sight after someone publishes an insulting cartoon

1) Move everyone to New Jersey

Ariel Sharon has taken a turn for the worse. But despite being almost completely brain dead, 75% of all Israelis still think Sharon could do a better job as Prime Minister than Ehud Olmert.

Despite massing several thousand troops at the Lebanese border, Israel has repeatedly stressed that it has no plans to take any permanent land in southern Lebanon... at least not until the Fed stops raising interest rates.

Israel is still stopping the United Nations from sending relief supplies into southern Lebanon. It's one thing to bomb the Lebanese, but subjecting them to U.N. aid workers is really going too far.

The good news for the people of Beirut is the Israeli military will now distribute relief supplies to all refugees. The bad news is anyone seen taking those supplies will be killed by Hezbollah.

The United States has offered a special refuge for the estimated 150,000 people displaced by the fighting in Lebanon. It'll get a little crowded, but the Super Dome staff says it's ready.


Kim Jong Il's New Wife?
The North Korean government will not confirm whether 42-year-old Kim Ok is North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's new wife. All the government will say is that Ok is in charge of the leader's "other" sensitive missile program.

Top Movie
"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" is #1 at the box office, with a total gross of $321 million so far. You might expect this movie to have been copied and put on the Internet by now, but the world's leading movie pirates are giving it "professional courtesy."

Saturday, July 22, 2006


Israeli jets have knocked out Lebanese communications and TV towers. This means the Hezbollah Network's weekend "I Dream of Jihad" marathon has been canceled.

Friday, July 21, 2006


Top 5 Reasons You Joined Hezbollah

5) Wearing a turban all the time means no more bad hair days!

4) You were always the best at Atari's "Missile Command"

3) It's always good to have a few friends who can help you murder your sister in an honor killing

2) It's the only way you'll ever get on al Jazeera

1) You got wait-listed at al Qaeda

Experts say it's only a matter of time before world opinion turns against Israel. By "matter of time," they mean it's been the case since 1887.

Hezbollah says despite Israel's 9-day campaign in Lebanon, none of its leaders has been harmed... that's because they're all in Iran.

Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah says Israel's claims of eliminating half of Hezbollah's fighting capacity is untrue. He made that claim on Hezbollah TV's hit show, "Terrorist Requests Live."


Neanderthal Project
Researchers in Germany are beginning the long process of reconstructing the genome of Neanderthals. Of course, they could avoid all that work and just bring in a few hockey fans.

Bush & the Right
First, the Evangelicals forced President Bush to push for a gay marriage ban. Next, the conservatives got him to veto stem cell research. Now, the Creationists are getting him to remove all Dino vitamins from every bottle of Flintstones.

Thursday, July 20, 2006


The 10th installment, (and the first in all-color and Sunday-length) in my Schmooze or Lose comic strip is now available online at the Schmooze or Lose Web site: Just click on "comics" on the homepage to read all the strips so far. You should also wait for all the animation on the homepage to load so you can see my main character appear under the Hollywood sign!

The 11th installment, premieres in the Jewish Journal of Los Angeles tomorrow and will appear on the site next Wednesday or Thursday. Enjoy!

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Hezbollah rockets have killed two people in Nazareth, the birthplace of Jesus. Next, Hezbollah plans to attack Santa's workshop.

Israel dropped a 20-ton bomb on a suspected Hezbollah bunker, but the terror group says none of its leaders was inside. That's because they were in their usual hiding spots like nursery schools and old age homes.

A White House official says we need to give Israel time to "de-fang" Hezbollah. While we're at it, why not let them de-claw, spay and neuter them too?

Two Al Jazeera news crews have been arrested in Israel for supplying rocket coordinates to Hezbollah terrorists in Lebanon. Well they tried to supply them, but then they found out no one in Hezbollah had paid the cable bill.

Israel says its goal is to "disband" Hezbollah. If Israel is successful, most Hezbollah members will likely be picked up as free agents by al Qaeda or chosen by other terror organizations in the annual amateur draft.


Stem Cell Veto
The White House says President Bush's stand against stem cell research proves he doesn't care about the polls. Actually he does, and let's just say this veto is payback to America for that low approval rating.

Stem Cell Veto II
President Bush says the embryonic stem-cell research bill "crossed a moral boundary"... because it would be immoral to keep taking all those Evangelical campaign donations and not do exactly what they tell him.

Lay Autopsy
An autopsy shows convicted former Enron chief Ken Lay had severely clogged arteries, leading to his death. Of course, those arteries were clogged with shredded Enron accounting documents.

Oldest Ballplayer
94-year-old Buck O'Neil became the oldest man to play in a professional baseball game after appearing in a minor league contest in Kansas City last night. The reason baseball doesn't allow more 94-year-olds to play is because it takes three weeks for them to provide enough urine for a drug test.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Americans in Lebanon are being forced to pay for their evacuation by the U.S. Army. That's almost as crazy as making Americans pay for the war in Iraq.

Now two U.S. Senators are saying American evacuees won't have to pay... they'll just have to each leave a $50,000 deposit.

All the American evacuees say they're very relieved to be out of Lebanon... but when they get back to the 115-degree heat here in the U.S., they'll wish they were back in Beirut.

The U.N. is considering sending a peacekeeping forced to the Israeli-Lebanese border. Both the Israelis and Hezbollah are looking forward to shooting at someone else for awhile.


Stem Cell Veto
The White House says President Bush will veto the Senate's bill to expand stem cell research because "the president is not going to take something that is living and making it dead"... unless you're talking about the Constitution.

One-Eyed Ref
A Big Ten football referee with just one eye is filing a discrimination suit after the athletic conference fired him. Apparently, the Big Ten only wants refs with no eyes.

Cruise Accident
A cruise ship rolled sharply to one side off Port Canaveral, Florida today, injuring 37 passengers. That's the last time the kitchen crew serves the all-you-can eat afternoon buffet on one side the ship only.

Monday, July 17, 2006


Top 5 Ways to Stop the Mideast Fighting

5) Con all the combatants into thinking the World Cup is still being played

4) Send in a U.N. peacekeeping troops, then watch as Israelis and Hezbollah militants join together in laughing at them

3) Bring in America's secret weapon: Nancy Grace

2) Invite Bashar Assad and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to special surprise party... at Gitmo

1) Get the Hezbollah guys that dream date they've always wanted with Tony Shalhoub

After several days of continued bombardment, Hezbollah is accusing the Western powers of allowing Israel to keep up the attack. Hezbollah was later informed that you can only invoke the so-called "Murder Rule" in junior high school softball games.

The world is buzzing about President Bush's verbal gaffe when he was caught by an open microphone telling British Prime Minister Tony Blair that "Syria needs to get Hezbollah to stop this sh-t." Bush was embarrassed because what he should have said is "Syria and IRAN need to get Hezbollah to stop doing this sh-t."

You know Israel's got the support of the news media when it continues to bomb the heck out of Hezbollah and the only thing anyone cares about is President Bush saying the "s" word.

After several days of intense Israeli bombing, the Lebanese people seem to be getting the message. For example, hardly anyone is sending their kids to the Hezbollah day care center this week.

The U.S. has chartered a private cruise liner to help evacuate Americans stranded in Lebanon. Of course when they hear their only choice is to take a Greek ship, most Americans will probably stay and take their chances.


A major earthquake off the coast of Java Monday triggered a tsunami that followed and killed at least 80 people in Indonesia. The U.N. is reprimanding the tsunami for its "disproportionate response" to the quake.

Robert Brooks, founder and chairman of the Hooters restaurant chain died at his home Sunday. As you might expect, he choked to death on a chicken wing while watching a porn movie.

Oprah Winfrey and her friend Gayle King want everyone to know they have a super-close friendship, but they are not gay. If they were in a sexual relationship, King would have asked for some money by now.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


Hezbollah rockets killed 8 people in the Israeli city of Haifa this morning. The U.N. is castigating the victims for not restraining themselves from dying.

Hezbollah is now threatening to use an even longer-range rocket... the one that travels all the way to your local service station and makes gas $6-a-gallon.

Israeli airstrikes have hit a building where Hezbollah members live... what's shocking about this is it was a coed dorm.

Another Israeli airstrike destroyed a Hezbollah radio station... Americans are praying the Israelis do the same thing to Jack FM.

"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" was the top U.S. film for the second weekend in a row with nearly $62.2 million in estimated box office receipts. Besides moviegoers, the only people rooting for vicious pirates are the Mideast reporters on the BBC.


New York state is now allowing judges to carry guns under their robes... but there's still no rule requiring them to wear pants.

U.S. Senator Ted Stevens is a major object of ridicule after he described the Internet as a "series of tubes" during a public debate last month. Stevens is actually proof that the entire Senate is filled with a series of tube steaks.

Saturday, July 15, 2006


Thousands of people are stuck on roads, bridges lie in ruins, and the entire infrastructure is at risk... but enough about Boston's Big Dig.

Even though Lebanon has a democratically elected government, it is mostly controlled by terrorist thugs in Hezbollah... kind of like the Congress is mostly controlled by lobbyists.

With Israeli jets cutting off most of the ground and air links between Lebanon and Iran, Hezbollah may run out of weapons soon. But if it can't get material, Hezbollah can still continue to look to Tehran for words of immoral support.

Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah says his terror organization will now wage "open war" with Israel. He made this courageous statement over the phone while hiding in the basement.

Experts worry that Iranian soldiers are now advising Hezbollah fighters in Lebanon. If the Iranians hand over their most deadly secrets, soon Hezbollah militants could also be charging $3.60 for a gallon of regular.

In Other News...

The state of Missouri says it's having trouble finding a doctor to preside over the state's executions. Experts say the state should just tell the doctors to pretend the condemned prisoners don't have health insurance.

Friday, July 14, 2006


A team of experts is monitoring Hezbollah TV in order to see what's going on in the terror organization. If the network broadcasts images of Islamic soldiers, it means a total war has begun. If the network shows Islamic singers performing, it means it wants its followers to lay low. And if the network shows re-runs of "Mama's Family," it means all is lost.

The Lebanese government continues to complain that Hezbollah is an "independent entity" in the country... which means the terrorists are on the payroll, but they don't get health insurance.


Wildfires continue to burn in California's Yucca Valley; not allowing anyone in or out of the area. It's not clear if this is an act of God, or Governor Schwarzeneggar's cheaper alternative to a border fence.


The 9th installment in my Schmooze or Lose comic strip is now available online at the Schmooze or Lose Web site: Just click on "comics" on the homepage to read all the strips so far. You should also wait for all the animation on the homepage to load so you can see my main character appear under the Hollywood sign!

The 10th installment, which is my very first Sunday-sized COLOR strip, premieres in the Jewish Journal of Los Angeles tomorrow and will appear on the site next Wednesday or Thursday. Enjoy!

Beirut Attacked
Beirut International Airport remains closed after Israeli jets bombed all three of its main runways. Of course this means thousands of American families will now have to make different summer vacation plans.

Beirut Attacked II
Beirut International Airport remains closed after Israeli jets bombed all three of its main runways. That makes sense, but why is that the reason United is giving for today's six-hour delays out of O'Hare?

Israel Critics
Critics who say Israel's attacks on Hezbollah targets in Lebanon will have no effect are clearly wrong... gas is already $6-a-gallon in Los Angeles.

European Fears
Fears are mounting among European governments that violence in Lebanon could spiral out of control... but that will only happen if someone publishes another Mohammed cartoon.

Mahmoud & Bashir
The Associated Press reports that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Syrian President Bashar Assad conferred during a special telephone call Thursday afternoon. Usually, they just communicate on the "Man-Boy Love Association" chat board.

Top 5 Text Messages Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent Bashir Assad

5) "Is that a Kaytusha in ur pocket or are u just happy 2 C me?"

4) "What R U wearing GQ boy?"

3) "Keira Knigthley = so anorexic"

2) "Last 1 to bomb Israel = a rotten pomegranate!"

1)" U go grrrl!!! "

Bastille Day
Friday is Bastille Day in France. It's the day Frenchmen commemorate the freeing of all prisoners from the infamous pre-revolutionary prison... except for those convicted of head-butting.

Tour de France Update
American Floyd Landis now leads the Tour de France after the race's hardest stage through the Pyrenees. That's the stage with the longest distance between pharmacies.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and with not one but TWO jokes! Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Israel Fighting
With operations to free kidnapped soldiers in Gaza and Lebanon, Israel is now fighting a two-front war... well, it's actually three fronts if you count the BBC.

Israeli Threat
Israel's chief of staff says that if the kidnapped Israeli soldiers are not returned, "we will turn Lebanon's clock back 20 years." So I guess he knows what Lebanon looked like in 1472.

Top 5 Next Moves for Hezbollah's Leaders

5) Take over another place more screwed up than Lebanon... like Detroit

4) Try to get parts in "Syriana II"

3) See if they can get transferred to the home office in Tehran

2) Kidnap someone the media really cares about... like Lindsay Lohan

1) Duck and cover

India Markets Surge
Despite yesterday's train bombings that killed more than 150 people, India's stock market gained an impressive 3% in today's trading. Indian investors are cheering the first-ever realistic solution to the country's population problem.

American Pedophile
The bad news for former 'American Idol' contestant DJ Boyd is that he's just been indicted on child porn charges. The good news is he's also just been signed to R. Kelly's record label.

Big Dig Problems
After Monday's tunnel collapse that killed a woman, inspectors have found 60 other dangerous spots in Boston's Big Dig tunnels and bridges. But the most dangerous part about driving in Boston is still all the other drivers.

Head-Butt Insult
Italian soccer player Marco Materazzi strongly denies he called Zinedine Zidane a terrorist before the French captain head-butted him in the World Cup final, insisting he "doesn't even know what an Islamic terrorist is." Of course, nobody else in Europe seems to know what an Islamic terrorist is either.

Head-Butt Insult II
Italian soccer player Marco Materazzi strongly denies he called Zinedine Zidane a "dirty terrorist" before the French captain head-butted him in the World Cup final. Besides, if you really want to insult a French player, you'd have to call him a "clean terrorist."

Top 5 Worst Insults to Hurl at a French Soccer Player

5) "May you be cursed with only 7 weeks vacation this year"

4) "Your mother's souffle is only slightly better than average"

3) "You run worse than a Peugeot"

2) "You're not condescending enough to be French"

1) "You play like an American!"

All-Star Break
Baseball is still in the midst of the All-Star break. That's when the best players head for the All-Star Game, and the rest of the guys go home and try to remember their wives' names.

Rather's New Job
Dan Rather has reached a deal to host a weekly news program on the premium high-definition channel HDNet. Perhaps now that he'll be on a show with sharper video quality, he'll be able to tell the difference between forged documents and the real thing.

Barrett Dead
Pink Floyd founder Syd Barrett has died at the age of 60. At first the other band members weren't sure how to react, but then they decided to do the appropriate thing and just get high.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Moms: The Ultimate Weapons of Justice
By Jake Novak

*(Background: The newly-elected D.A. of Nassau County, NY has caused a firestorm by trying to eliminate the part-time prosecutor positions in her office... most of which are held by working moms)

Top scientists are currently working on a life-like robot with eyes in the back of its head. My sister and I actually grew up with something just like that in our house; we called it “mom.” (Jake Novak, Punchlines 2003)

For those of us who grew up with a vigilant mother, (and who didn’t?), the above quip isn’t just a joke, it’s a way of life. And it also should serve as a powerful lesson to Nassau D.A. Kathleen Rice.

There’s no other way to say it; in our society good moms are the best maintainers of law and order we’re ever going to see. And that’s why I’m so confused by Ms. Rice’s decision to eliminate the part-time positions in her office mostly filled by women with children. Rice herself is one of ten children, so she really should know how a sharp working parent today would have made J. Edgar Hoover look like an amateur.

We all know the drill. Sure, dad often played the tough guy in the house. But he was just the muscle. For me, my mom was always the chief prosecutor. She knew all my old tricks, anticipated my new tricks, and was always ready to dole out the worst possible punishment for me based on what I most wanted to do at the time.

And she was unrelentingly tough. She once even yanked a pair of World Series tickets out of my hand because I had a test the next day at school she knew I hadn’t studied for. And they say Rudy Giuliani was tough on sentencing.

These days, there are basically three kinds of active moms in the workforce, all of whom can do a better job prosecuting Nassau’s criminals than anyone else. The first kind is the mother of a newborn. There’s nothing tougher than this woman. She is sleep deprived, always on-call, and never takes her responsibilities for granted. You want to speed up the pace of our criminal trials? Try putting the biggest cases in the hands of a new mom who needs to be home in time to breastfeed her kid and get him down for a nap every day at noon. Put more moms like that on the case and I’d say most trials would be over in about 2-3 hours.

The second kind of mom is the one with a toddler at home. This is the woman who’s going to know how to deal with cranky judges, whining defense attorneys, and tantrum-throwing suspects better than anyone. I’d like to see even the worst criminal in Nassau County outdo a three-year-old who wants an ice cream cone before finishing her dinner. I’ll take a mom who knows how to deal with that situation over a couple of cops with a Taser any day. And defense attorneys shouldn’t even try to file for another continuance when “prosecutor mom” is in danger of being late to pick up junior from soccer practice. Turn out the lights Clarence Darrow, the party’s over.

Finally, we have the mom with teenagers. This is truly the wisest of all women. She has the strength and patience of the other kinds of moms, but she also is able to keep up with the latest technology, lingo, and other new gimmicks utilized by the modern criminal… I mean teenager. Corrupt politicians, drunk drivers, home invaders, and other scammers don’t stand much of a chance against moms who routinely have to keep up with the potentially nefarious activity connected with Internet chat boards, text messaging, and high-pitched cell phone rings supposedly inaudible to adults.

So Ms. Rice, as you can see this is not an appeal to your kind-hearted nature. Nor is it a statement about sending a “family-friendly” message to Long Island. Forget that. This is about unleashing Nassau’s toughest, meanest, and most indefatigable weapons on the criminal element in this county. And I suggest you do it now before you get grounded just before you head out the door on the way to your next fundraiser.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Congressional Searches Okay
The U.S. Supreme Court has upheld the FBI's right to search Congressional offices. This means members of Congress will now have to start obeying the law, or opening more offshore accounts... whichever's easier.

Building Explosion on the Upper East Side of Manhattan

Reports now say the explosion could have been the result of a suicide attempt by the building's owner... which is ridiculous because everyone knows New York City landlords are incapable of showing any remorse.

CNN's Larry King was one of the first journalists on the scene of the massive gas explosion... well, that's not a surprise.

King says the explosion was the "loudest, most frightening thing he's ever heard." So, it's a good thing he was wearing his adult diapers.

The White House has already made a statement assuring everyone that the explosion has nothing to do with terrorism. So, President Bush's poll numbers must be up.

Italy Reaction
Italians continue to celebrate wildly after their country's victory in the World Cup. And that's a good thing, because Italians usually have so much trouble expressing their emotions.

Soap Suicide
Benjamin Hendrickson, an Emmy Award-winning actor on "As the World Turns", committed suicide this week with a gunshot to the head. Hendrickson's family will never see him again, unless they bring him back for sweeps.

June Allyson Dies
Actress June Allyson, who became the spokeswoman for "Depends", has died. This means the world's loudest advocates for adult diapers are now British soccer fans.

Einstein's Affairs
Newly-released letter show that Albert Einstein had affairs with six women while he was married. That makes sense, only a genius could have had that much fun and still get away with it.

World Cup Champions
It took two overtimes and a shootout, but Italy finally beat France to capture the 2006 World Cup. It was the first World Cup title in 24 years for the Italians, and the first time anyone from France had worked overtime in 50 years.

World Cup Champions II
After winning the World Cup title, the Italian soccer team is headed back to Rome. There they will be cheered by the people, blessed by the Pope, and eaten by Pavarotti.

World Cup Celebrations
The entire nation of Italy came together to cheer their team during the World Cup. Now, they can go back to their true pastime: yelling and screaming at each other.

French Sadness
The French are crushed by their World Cup defeat to Italy. But they will start to feel better as soon as they can figure out how to blame it on the United States.

Top 5 Things for Europeans to Do Until the Next World Cup

5) Protest in the streets for the right to a 4-year paid vacation

4) Look for their original teeth

3) Take after the best and brightest Americans, and play soccer video games 12 hours a day

2) Take a shower... for once

1) Attack Israel and the Jews... oh wait, they do that during the World Cup too

Ann Coulter Plagiarism
Experts say Ann Coulter lifted significant portions of her last few books from other authors... which makes sense, because everything else she does she copies from the Wicked Witch of the West.

Shuttle Cleared
The space shuttle Discovery has been cleared to return to Earth. Now that President Bush's poll numbers are up a bit, the White House won't have to blow the shuttle up to help boost national unity.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Was Ken Lay Jewish?

The #1 question my readers have been asking me lately is if Ken Lay was Jewish. And it's a legitimate question since he was so active in his local church, his parents were devout evangelicals, and he looks so Jewish... GEEZ people, the answer is "NO" he was NOT Jewish! Remind me not to hire any of you as detectives.

The funny thing is, there are two types of people who are just dying to know whether Lay was a member of the tribe. The first group are Anti-Semitic types who want to believe that every thieving CEO is a Jew, (we've had our share, no doubt, but the latest round of corporate crooks has been pretty Jew-free. Lay, Skilling, Scrushy, Ebbers, Rigas are all gentiles. Fastow is Jewish, and sadly he tried to use his casual interest in Judaism to get him off the hook, but that didn't work). So for those Jew-hating types, this will not be the easy-level "blame it on the Jews" conspiracy to blog about. Too bad.

Of course, the funnier category of person curious about Lay's religion is the type of Jewish person like I sometimes am; the kind who worries that every jerk in the news might be Jewish and will feel a lot better when it's clear that he or she is not. The Jewish propensity for embarrassment knows no bounds. I still think my parents are very embarrassed about my little accidents during potty training, (they talk about them enough), and my sister absolutely still thinks she can "shame" me over things I did when I was 11.

Let me give my fellow embarrassment-prone Jews a little piece of advice. FORGET ABOUT IT!!! Those who hate us have plenty of material, both real and imagined to work with. If you're embarrassed by Jewish crooks, be embarrassed because they hurt people, not because it may help the Jew-hating cause. Oh, and by the way, Jew-hating is currently celebrating its 5800th anniversary year! Congratulations on that, maybe the Anti-Semitism will work out better for you than everyone else who tried and died horrifically. Maybe you'll get lucky and die comfortably in a mental hospital like Ezra Pound.

Luckily, there is no Jewish connection to the #2 most-asked question I get these days which is: "Do you have nude photos of Heather Mills?"

I'm not saying I do or don't... but that's a whole different category of embarrassment.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Mexican Elections
The bad news for Andres Manuel Lopez is he lost the Mexican presidential election to Conservative Felipe Calderon by the slightest of margins. The good news for Lopez is at least now he doesn't have to be the president of Mexico.

Mexican Elections II
Felipe Calderon has defeated Andres Manuel Lopez in the Mexican presidential election by just 236,000 votes... which is exactly the number of Mexicans who sneak across the U.S. border every 3 hours.

Mexican Elections III
Experts say Calderon won the Mexican presidential election thanks to his promise to provide every Mexican with a pair of wire cutters and a road map to San Diego.

North Korean Control
U.S. analysts say the North Koreans never really had control of the long-range missile it test launched Wednesday. In order to gain more control of their missiles, North Korean rocket scientists will now try to think about baseball.

Thursday, July 06, 2006


The 8th installment in my Schmooze or Lose comic strip is now available online at the Schmooze or Lose Web site: Just click on "comics" on the homepage to read all the strips so far. You should also wait for all the animation on the homepage to load so you can see my main character appear under the Hollywood sign!

The 9th installment premieres in the Jewish Journal of Los Angeles tomorrow and appear on the site next Wednesday or Thursday. Enjoy!

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Here's the link: Newsday

Secret Formula Stolen
Three people face federal charges of stealing Coke's secret formula and offering it to Pepsi for $1.5 million. They also offered to sell Pepsi the secret formula for New Coke for 75 cents.

Secret Formula Stolen II
Three people face federal charges of stealing Coke's secret formula and offering it to Pepsi for $1.5 million. It's not known if these are same people who keep trying to steal the secret formula for Frosted Flakes from Tony the Tiger.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Whatever Happened to Heathcliff the Cat?

5) Overdosed on some bad Friskies at a Phish concert in '97

4) Garfield writers successfully pushed him off most funny pages after bundling their strip with Internet Explorer

3) Keeping a low profile ever since that Hello Kitty slut gave him herpes

2) Forced into witness protection program after testifying in ScoopFree kitty litter racketeering case

1) Won a lot of money on "The Price is Right;" then got neutered by Bob Barker

Lay Dead
Convicted former Enron CEO Ken Lay is dead. I think we can say he simply swallowed his Smith & Wesson before being forced to swallow some guys named Smith & Wesson.

Lay Dead II
Ken Lay's family now says he died of a massive coronary. Funny how you always get a heart attack when you blow a bullet through your left ventricle.

Lay Dead III
For thousands of America's chief executives, Ken Lay's heart attack death provides a sobering lesson; so from now on, they're going to steal their companies' money AND stay in shape.

Lay Dead IV
This story has a lot of meaning for all Americans. It tells us that if you steal millions of dollars, you'll eventually die at your beautiful vacation home in Aspen.

Lay Dead V
Ken Lay's lawyers also say there's an important lesson to be learned from his death; always get your fees paid upfront.

Lay Dead VI
In honor of Ken Lay's death, the California electrical grid will be dimmed in a rolling brownout for the rest of the day.

North Korea Latest
North Korea's long-range missile failed midway through its projected trip... kind of like riding in a used Hyundai, but just a little less deadly.

Limbaugh Off the Hook
Rush Limbaugh will not face charges in Palm Beach County for the bottle of Viagra found in his luggage that was prescribed to someone else. Prosecutors said they dropped the case after none of them could avoid severe nausea when thinking about Limbaugh having sex.

New Jersey Standoff
As a result of New Jersey's continuing state budget standoff, Atlantic City casinos are now shutting down. So the only way you can throw your money away in New Jersey now is pay the tolls on the Turnpike.

Top 5 Disastrous Repercussions of the the New Jersey Budget Standoff

5) With the casinos closed, Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme are now loose on the streets

4) The state's number one export is now taffy

3) Millions of workers at the state's leading acid wash factory are out of work

2) "The Sopranos" is filming all its scenes at Starbuck's

1) The only way to gamble in New Jersey now is to inhale while driving on the Turnpike

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Shuttle Launch
The space shuttle Discovery launched into orbit early Tuesday, despite some questions about safety. NASA officials would have delayed the launch a few more hours, but they wanted to beat the July Fourth traffic.

Shuttle Mission
Space Shuttle Discovery's mission will be to deliver supplies to the international space station, drop off a European Space Agency astronaut, and hang out in space until NASA can come up with enough gas money to bring it home.

N. Korea Missile Test
North Korea test-launched a Taepodong-2 long-range missile Tuesday, but it apparently failed in mid-air. As a result, the people of North Korea will have their daily dirt rations cut by half.

Anti-Osama Division Canned
A CIA unit that had hunted for Osama bin Laden and his top deputies has been disbanded. Agents from that division are being transferred to the more important job listening in on all Americans' phone calls.

New Jersey Budget
Because of a budget battle in the legislature, all of New Jersey's most important state institutions could be shut down. Millions of New Jerseyians are trying to figure out what to do without diners and highway rest stops.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Star Counters
Star Jones Reynolds says ABC executives are working to make her look bad professionally and personally. Well, at least we know they're not working too hard.

Germany Survives
In World Cup action Friday, Germany barely survived a shootout victory over Argentina. If Germany had lost, the disgraced players were planning to go into hiding in Argentina.