Thursday, June 30, 2011

Internet Tax
Starting tomorrow, California will start charging sales taxes for everything Californians buy online... especially for the millions of vans people will now be reserving online so they can move out of California.

Sad Poll
A New poll shows 39% of Americans now feel the country is in permanent economic decline... the other 61% aren't that pessimistic because they're illegal aliens from Mexico.

July 4th Break
Republicans don't think the Senate should go on July 4th break until more progress is made in the debate debate. Democrats don't think anyone should go on break until someone shows them how to block Anthony Weiner's Tweets.

Perry's Plan
Texas Governor Rick Perry wants the U.S. to arrest any American citizen who joins the anti-Israel protest flotilla. But is there enough room to put the entire Ivy League faculty in jail?

Dad Study
A new study shows that men with young children work more hours per week than men who don't... proving men will do anything to avoid those kids at home.

June 30th

1559: King Henry II of France is mortally wounded in a jousting match against Gabriel de Montgomery. Usually, the worst thing you could get from a “jousting match” with Montgomery was the clap.

1921: President Warren G. Harding appoints former President William Howard Taft Chief Justice of the United States. Taft thanks Harding by eating most of the President’s opponents in Congress.

1986: The U.S. Supreme Court rules in Bowers v. Hardwick that states can outlaw homosexual acts between consenting adults… especially if they insist on doing it while listening to Cher albums.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Is it or Isn't It?
Treasury Secretary Geithner is now saying hinted maybe August 2nd isn't the day Uncle Sam runs out of money after all... mostly because that already happened about 35 years ago.

Obama Poll
A new Marist Poll puts President Obama at an all-time low for his handling of the economy. But he remains at an all time high for his handling of a 9 iron.

Google is launching a competitor to Facebook that will emphasoze privacy. Because if you use the Google site, you'll definitely be very alone.

DC Casino
The city of Washington D.C. wants to launch an online gambling site... but it will be tough to compete with the all-purpose brick and mortar casino and brothel on Capitol Hill.

Dodger Dilemma
Major League Baseball is still trying to take the L.A. Dodgers away from owner Frank McCourt. And if MLB doesn't get it, three goons from Flatbush are looking to take the team back to Brooklyn.

June 29th

1786: Alexander Macdonell and over five hundred Roman Catholic highlanders leave Scotland to settle in Glengarry County, Ontario. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring any women.

1926: Arthur Meighen returns to office as Prime Minister of Canada… the office had been vacant since he left in 1921, but nobody noticed.

1928: The Outerbridge Crossing and Goethals Bridge in Staten Island, New York are both opened… finally relieving the population’s overwhelming desire to get off of Staten Island.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The world's markets are watching closely as the Greek Parliament is about to take a crucial austerity vote. It looks like the plan is the government will pretend to cut the budget as long as the Greek people pretend to keep working.

Fantasy Budget
Govenor Jerry Brown's new California budget plan simply assumes millions more dollars in tax revenue. It's the shakiest assumption made by a California Governor since Arnold thought Maria wouldn't notice anything odd about the fact that their maid's kid could bench press 350 lbs at age ten.

Dodgers Chapt. 11
The L.A. Dodgers bankruptcy hearing is today. If recent patterns hold, the judge will be about to grant the team bankruptcy protection... but then the bullpen will blow it in the 9th.

Two iPhones?
Reports say Apple may now come out with two new iPhones in September... that's one iPhone for people who need to communicate with their friends, and another iPhone for most Apple users who have no friends.

Nike Earnings
Nike reported a nice 15% profit jump for the last three months. It turns out millions of Americans wanted to be more prepared to run away from Anthony Weiner.

June 28th

1519: Charles V of Spain is elected Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire… but the election wasn’t even close because the only other guy running was Rabbi Herschel Sapperstein.

1902: The U.S. Congress passes the Spooner Act, not to be confused with the Spooning Act, which authorized President Teddy Roosevelt to cuddle his wife in bed for as long as he likes.

1922: The Irish Civil War begins with an argument about whether Guiness is a beer or a stout.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Greek Vote
The Greek parliament has begun debating the austerity plan it must pass to secure a big bailout from the rest of Europe. It's either that or stop breaking so many plates.

Hugo Dying?
Hugo Chavez is still in critical condition after a June 10th surgery and there are rumors he may be dying. He's so sick that doctors won't let him risk seeing any more Sean Penn movies until he recovers.

MPG Demand
The good news is the White House wants all cars to get at least 56 miles per gallon by 2025. The bad news is that those cars will each cost $256,000.

SF Pet Ban
San Francisco is considering banning the sale of dogs and cats as pets... but having a dog or cat as a domestic partner will still be permitted.

T.O. Surgery
NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens has had surgery to repair a torn ACL. Doctors were able to use one of the many unused parts of Owens' brain to mend the tear.

June 27th

1923: Capt. Lowell H. Smith and Lt. John P. Richter perform the first ever aerial refueling in a DH-4B biplane... then they go a rent a place for the summer together on Fire Island.

1946: The Parliament of Canada establishes the definition of Canadian citizenship... which basically boils down to being a heavy drinker and willing to start hockey fights.

1973: The President of Uruguay Juan María Bordaberry dissolves Parliament and establishes a dictatorship... but his wife still doesn't let him have the remote.

June 26th

1995: Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani deposes his father Khalifa bin Hamad al-Thani, the Emir of Qatar, in a bloodless coup... but there several reports of hurt feelings.

2003: The Supreme Court rules that gender-based sodomy laws are unconstitutional... but sodomy laws based on hotness make a lot of sense.

2008: The U.S. Supreme Court strikes down the District of Columbia handgun ban, angering the two people in Washington who did not already own a gun.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

June 25th

1906: Pittsburgh millionaire Harry Thaw shoots and kills prominent architect Stanford White… and you should see what he did to his interior decorator.

1975: Mozambique achieves independence… but it is still not potty-trained.

1982: Greece abolishes the head shaving of recruits in the military… and female recruits are allowed to keep their mustaches.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Obama "Patience"
President Obama told gay supporters last night to have patience when it comes to him supporting gay marriage. In other words... he won't support gay marriage until he squeezes Elton John and Rosie O'Donnell for every last dollar they have!

German Poll
A new poll shows that 60% of Germans say they have to bail out Greece's economy. The other 40% say it's still worth trying to run the Greeks over with their BMW's.

Up to Them
Both sides in Washington say making a debt-cutting deal is up to President Obama and House Speaker Boehner now. So instead of playing another round of golf, this weekend Obama and Boehner hope to accomplish something by going at it in a spirited game of naked Twister.

Artest Name Change
NBA star Ron Artest is changing name to "Metta World Peace"... mostly in hopes of ducking at least half of the paternity suits against him.

No Vote
Legislators in New York abruptly adjourned for the night late Thursday without voting on same-sex marriage... mostly because they didn't want to miss the hot lesbian scenes on Mulholland Drive.

June 24th

1913: Greece and Serbia annul their alliance with Bulgaria… and totally start trashing it on Facebook.

1938: A meteor, estimated to have weighed 450 metric tons, hits Pennsylvania. No one notices because it landed in Harrisburg.

1939: Siam is renamed to Thailand by Prime Minister Plaek Pibulsonggram, you’d think he’d change HIS name first… but no.

Withdrawal Reasons
President Obama is ordering a quicker than expected withdrawal of our troops from Afghanistan. It turns out the President will need those tens of thousands of soldiers to protect him from the growing unemployed mob.

Next Withdrawal
After Afghanistan, President Obama is still hoping to make a clean withdrawal from other costly and deadly areas... but enough about the government's investment in GM.

Pension Plug Pulled
The Postal Service is suspending its employer contributions to worker retirement plans... or hopelessly delaying those payments by sending them via the regular mail, whichever saves more money.

Foreign Exchange
U.S. colleges are desperate for more foreign students... mostly because they need to find someone who can afford to buy the beer.

Foodstamp Nation
44 million Americans are now on foodstamps. The other 266 million are paying $5 for coffee at Starbucks.

June 23rd

1305: A peace treaty between the Flemish and the French is signed. The pact gives the French free Flem for the next 700 years.

1661:Charles II of England signs a marriage contract with Catherine of Braganza… But only after he learns that her "Braganzas" were 38 DD.

1967: President Lyndon Johnson meets with Soviet Premier Alexei Kosygin in Glassboro, New Jersey. After three hours in Jersey, Johnson attempts to defect to Russia.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Afghan Speech
President Obama will reveal his plan for withdrawing from Afghanistan tonight. The plan should work, since he's already very adept at putting thousands of people out of a job.

Kids are Bad
Al Gore now says women need to have fewer children to curb pollution! He's right... just think how much pollution we could have avoided if Gore's mom had her tubes tied before he was born!

Docked Pay
California's state legislators will continue not being paid until they pass a budget. This could be a problem because withholding pay from workers is illegal, but no California politician do any work anyway.

Obama Economy
44% of Americans say they are worse off than they were when President Obama took office in 2009... but the White House says it won't be satisfied until 100% of us feel that way.

Home Sales
The good news is that 30% of home buys last month were all-cash deals... the bad news is the buyers were only using euros.

June 22nd

1633: The Holy Office in Rome forces Galileo to recant his view that the Sun is the center of the Universe. It also makes him recant his view that Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper.

1976: The Canadian House of Commons abolishes capital punishment… thus encouraging more and more people to murder members of the Canadian House of Commons.

1990: Checkpoint Charlie is dismantled in Berlin. It is now a bigger sign of oppression because it’s been converted to an overpriced gift shop with a Starbucks.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

HUD Help?
The Department of Housing and Urban Development is setting aside $1 billion to help 30,000 Americans stay in their homes for many more years. But it's not clear if the program will be able to keep President Obama in his home for even four more years.

Beer Deal
Miller is offering $9.9 billion to buy Foster's Beer. It'll be worth all that money just to get that Australian guy in the commercial to start speaking English!

China Flop
Super billionaire John Paulson is taking a $500 million loss after selling off his bad investment in a Chinese forestry company. But he plans to make that money back by asking every person in China for 25 cents.

NFL Owners Meeting
The NFL owners meet today to discuss the lockout, and decide who's going to have the guts to tell the Raider fans when the season's canceled

Medicare Ad
The Washington Post reports that AARP's new ad on Medicare is misleading and divisive... because it divides the country into normal people and people who are deluded into thinking Medicare will still be around in five years.

June 21st

1824: Egyptian forces capture Psara in the Aegean Sea… mostly because the “P” stayed silent.

1898: The United States captures Guam and uses it as a weapon against American 10th grade geography students for the next 115 years.

1982: John Hinckley is found not guilty by reason of insanity for the attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan in 1981. In another case, Liberal Democrats are found guilty by reason of stupidity for voting for Jimmy Carter in 1980.