Friday, January 29, 2010

Toyota Fix
Toyota has announced a quick fix for the gas pedal defect that affects 4.2 million cars. It will be available to the dealers as soon as all the Toyota executives commit ritual suicide.

Huge Budget
President Obama is about to unveil the biggest budget in U.S. history. To pay for it, the president plans to boost taxes, kill the space program, and do some photo shoots he won't exactly be proud of.

Missile Failure
A U.S. missile defense test failed Sunday when a long-range missile missed its target because of radar problems... and because the missile techs were too busy trying to get their Toyota's fixed at the dealership.

Haitian Food Aid
The U.N. is starting a special food voucher program for victims of the Haitian earthquake. Food will be distributed first to women, children, and anyone who had to listen to Anderson Cooper.

Gay Super Bowl Ad
One of the commercials during the Super Bowl will be for a gay men's dating site... not surprising since the entire game features one man grasping under another man's ass on every play.

February 1st

1662: The Chinese general Koxinga seizes the island of Taiwan in a crass attempt to corner the crappy figurine market.

1790: In New York City, the Supreme Court of the United States attempts to convene for the first time... but it's forced to break every 15 minutes so the justices can go out and feed the parking meters.

1960: Four black students in demand of racial equality stage the first of the Greensboro sit-ins at a lunch counter in Greensboro, North Carolina. The first sit-in staged by Jewish students on the same day in demand of a decent Pastrami on Rye south of Brooklyn is largely ignored.

THANKS!!! Year over year, the number of hits on this site for January was UP a whopping 90.2%!!!!

January 31st

1876: The United States orders all Native Americans to move into reservations... or cheesy casinos, whichever's closer.

1958: James Van Allen discovers the Van Allen radiation belt. It was right on the Van Allen Radiation Pants and just below the Van Allen Radiation Shirt.

1995: President Bill Clinton authorizes a $20 billion loan to Mexico to stabilize its economy... and to keep everyone there quiet about what he did in Tijuana with that 15-year-old hooker.

January 30th

1649: King Charles I of England is beheaded. He continues to rule for 15 more years.

1911: The Canadian Naval Service becomes the Royal Canadian Navy. Molson becomes its official sponsor.

1945: Adolf Hitler gives his last ever radio address. It is interrupted 18 times for "weather on the ones."

1989: The American embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan closes. All official U.S. business is now held in the backroom at Amir's Falafel on alternate Wednesdays.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Gates Vaccines
Bill Gates' foundation has just pledged $10 billion to create new vaccines. Most of them will be needed to kill the bugs in Windows 7.

Small Biz Plan
President Obama is proposing a $33 billion plan to help small businesses hire more people. Employers will get up to a $5,000 tax credit for each new hire, and $500,000 if they're willing to hire Martha Coakley.

Leno on Oprah
Jay Leno did an interview with Oprah Winfrey yesterday hoping to boost his image. But any chance of Leno getting her sympathy was dashed when he grabbed her lost donut in the green room.

Army Suicide
The U.S. army is reporting a spike in suicides. It's not clear if this is due to the hellish wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, or all the hellish Hollywood movies about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Fast Food Calories
The good news is a new report shows that listing the calorie counts on fast-food menus has led to fewer kids eating the unhealthy food. The bad news is the real reason American kids are shying away is because they're afraid of anything that looks like math.

January 29th

904: Sergius III comes out of retirement to take over the papacy, much to the relief of his very tired wife.

1886: Karl Benz patents the first successful gasoline-driven automobile... making this a day of mourning for Ed Begley Jr.

1996: President Jacques Chirac announces a "definitive end" to French nuclear weapons testing. From then on, all French nuclear weapons classes have been been "pass/fail."

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Rail Money
President Obama will announce $8 billion in high speed rail funding today. That's $1 billion for new projects, and $7 billion to clean the bathrooms on Amtrak.

Apple's Tablet
Apple has released its long-awaited tablet computer, calling it the iPad. It will also come in a larger size for women called the MAXiPad.

Toyota Shutdowns
Because of its massive recall, Toyota is idling plants all across the world. But despite the fact that its factories are completely shut down, Toyota workers are still 37% busier than anyone at the UAW.

GM Response
In reaction to the massive Toyota recall, General Motors is offering Toyota owners $1,000 to break their leases and go to GM. Toyota is countering with something more valuable to GM owners: the addresses and phone numbers of all mechanics in their area.

Nursing Home Problems
A new report shows that 20% of nursing homes get bad quality ratings. The other 80% have free cable.

January 28th

1573: Freedom of religion is granted in Poland... most of the Polish people hear the news and continue killing Jews.

1916: Louis D. Brandeis becomes the first Jew appointed to the United States Supreme Court... most of the Polish people hear the news and continue killing Jews.

1921: A symbolic Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is installed beneath the Arc de Triomphe in Paris. Millions of living French soldiers immediately rush to the tomb and surrender.

1965: The current design of the Flag of Canada is chosen by an act of Parliament after most of the ruling cabinet loses a drinking game.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tebow Ad
College football star Tim Tebow will star in a controversial anti-abortion TV ad that will be aired during the Super Bowl. Pro-abortion groups plan to counter with their own ad featuring the New York Giants defense.

Toyota Recall
Toyota is freezing sales of eight top models because of a mass recall. But most American car buyers say a potential Toyota death trap is still a better risk than anything from GM.

No Stimulus Love
A new poll shows that 56% of all Americans now oppose the stimulus plan. The other 44% are the 150 million Americans who are retired government workers on a pension.

Education Spending Boost
President Obama will announce a 6.2% boost in federal education spending in his State of the Union address tonight. Obama is hoping more Americans will be too busy with schoolwork to realize there aren't any jobs in the real world anymore.

San Diego Money
69% of San Diego's city payroll goes to retired workers. The other 31% goes to mental health care workers trying to help people get over the Chargers.

January 27th

1870: The first sorority, Kappa Alpha Theta, is formed at DePauw University. The chapter is forced to disband after it becomes the regular and lone target for all 13 campus fraternities' panty raids.

1909: The "Young Left" is founded in Norway. It is later renamed the "Old Left" and finally the "Dead Left."

1973: Paris Peace Accords officially end the Vietnam War. Production on 15,000 Vietnam War movies begins in Hollywood.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Spending Freeze Plan
President Obama now says he wants to freeze some domestic spending to get the deficit under control. The president says everything is on the table, except for essential programs like the secret service detail for his TelePrompTer.

Ford Job Shift
Ford is moving its Explorer SUV plant from Kentucky to Chicago. It's all part of the company's plans to make the Explorer less about off-roading and more about drive-by shooting.

SD Prison Release
Hundreds of San Diego County inmates were given early release this week. It's all part of the new budget plan to save money... and to help the Chargers get tougher on defense.

Mayo Nixes Medicare
The Mayo Clinic is no longer accepting Medicare. They may be on the verge of curing cancer, but finding someone smart enough to understand all those government forms just isn't possible.

Deficit Soars
The federal deficit is expected to hit $1.5 trillion today. It's a good things all our tanks are in Iraq, or they might get repossessed.

January 26th

1500: Vicente Yáñez Pinzón becomes the first European to set foot on Brazil... he immediately starts wearing a thong.

1564: The Council of Trent issues its final distinctions between Roman Catholicism and Protestantism, deciding that Protestants are heretics for drinking martinis before 5pm.

1838: Tennessee enacts the first prohibition law in the United States in hopes of cutting down on the state's rampant incest problem. The attempt is unsuccessful.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Vikings Lose
Viking fans have been having a very tough time every since New Orleans beat Minnesota in yesterday's NFC Championship Game. Not only did their team lose, but Brett Favre has retired and unretired six times since the game ended.

Big Donors
The "Hope for Haiti" telethon has raised more than $58 million. That's $3 million for Haiti, and $55 million for Conan O'Brien.

Obama's Plan
The White House says President Obama will "reintroduce himself" to the American people in the State of the Union Address Wednesday night. I guess that means the president plans to say that was just his "evil twin" giving all those speeches last year.

Castro on Haiti
In a new editorial in Cuba's government newspaper, Cuba's Fidle Castro says the U.S. military has gone into Haiti in order to "occupy" the country. The result of the editorial is that almost everyone in Cuba is now begging the U.S. to occupy their country too.

Haiti Money
Most Americans say the $58 million raised from the "Hope for Haiti" telethon is giving them more faith in humanity. The Obama administration says the money raised is giving them more faith that there's a lot more people out there that can be taxed to death.

January 25th

1533: Henry VIII of England secretly marries his second wife Anne Boleyn... and more secretly starts screwing three or four of her ladies in waiting.

1949: The first Emmy Awards are presented. Joan Rivers is the red carpet reporter using her original face.

1959: Pope John XXIII announces the dates for the upcoming Second Vatican Council. He is forced to reschedule three times to avoid conflicts with the NFL playoffs.

January 24th

1857: The University of Calcutta is formally founded as the first full-fledged university in south Asia. 14 million students enroll... and that was just the sophomore class.

1972: Japanese Sgt. Shoichi Yokoi is found hiding in a Guam jungle, where he had been since the end of World War II. To make the transition easier for him, authorities tell him Sony won the war.

2009: Pope Benedict XVI rescinds the excommunications of four bishops consecrated without papal consent in 1988. It turns out all four of them were really needed to round out the Vatican softball team.

January 23rd

393: Roman Emperor Theodosius I proclaims his nine year old son Honorius co-emperor. In return, Honorius starts letting his dad share his XBox.

1793: Second Partition of Poland. Russia and Prussia partition Poland for the second time. This time, Russia makes sure to partition the part of Poland with the bathroom.

1849: Elizabeth Blackwell becomes the first female doctor in the U.S. She is immediately deluged by dozens of men demanding a hernia exam.

1941: Charles Lindbergh testifies before Congress and recommends that the United States negotiate a neutrality pact with Adolf Hitler. He later goes on to a long career as a contributor to MSNBC.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Air America Dead
Liberal talk radio network Air America is shutting down and filing for bankruptcy. Apparently there are some disasters even $787 billion worth of stimulus funds can't fix.

Specter Slur
Senator Arlen Specter told Congresswoman Michele Bachmann to "act like a lady" yesterday. But it's hard for a woman to be a lady when Specter is the one in the room wearing the panty-liners.

NCAA Graduation Rates
Education Secretary Arne Duncan wants the NCAA to link invitations to March Madness to graduation rates. Unfortunately, no one wants to see MIT play the Mount Holyoke in the Final Four.

Dellums a Tax Cheat
A new report shows Oakland Mayor Ronald Dellums hasn't paid his taxes since he took office. What fun is it to raise everyone else's taxes if you have to pay them yourself?

Edwards in Haiti
One day after finally admitting he fathered a child out of wedlock, former Senator John Edwards arrived in Haiti. He's hoping that's the one place on Earth where his wife won't chase after him with a meat cleaver.

January 22nd

1521: Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, opens the Diet of Worms. The participants are sadly disappointed at dinner when they realize the event truly was a diet of worms.

1917: President Woodrow Wilson calls for "peace without victory" in Europe. The Europeans reject that call, but the quote becomes the official slogan of the Democratic Party forevermore.

2002: Kmart files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Ironically, this forces most of Kmart's executives to start shopping at Kmart.

Dow Selloff
Stocks are crashing today in reaction to new restrictions the Obama administration wants to put on the banks. Brokers, traders and investment bankers are coming to the realization that they may have to go back to purse-snatching.

Hillary 'Net Freedom
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says a major new part of her foreign policy is
insisting on Internet freedom everywhere in the world... which is ironic, since she still does not allow Bill to surf the Web without adult supervision.

Edwards Admission
Former Senator John Edwards has finally admitted to fathering a child with one of his campaign workers. It's not clear if he's doing this for political reasons or just to make sure he can write the kid off of his taxes.

Big Debt
The Obama administration wants to raise the debt ceiling to $1.8 trillion for this year alone... and as soon as China says it's okay, Congress will vote on the proposal too.

Supreme Court/Campaign Finance
The Supreme Court has just ruled that corporations can give as much money as they want directly to any political campaign. But John Edwards still prefers his women to be delivered through a third party.

January 21st

1793: After being found guilty of treason by the French Convention, Louis XVI of France is executed by guillotine. Then everyone in the mob realized they were just as poor and miserable as before they killed him.

1861: Confederate traitor Jefferson Davis resigns from the U.S. Senate, but he continues to collect his sweet federal pension and parking privileges for life.

1999: In one of the largest drug busts in American history, the United States Coast Guard intercepts a ship with over 4,300 kg (9,500 lb) of cocaine on board. Robert Downey Jr. immediately tries to enlist in the Coast Guard.