Monday, March 31, 2008

Torch in China
The Olympic torch has arrived in Beijing. It will now be taken all across China, where it will be used to set protesters on fire.

Vytorin Trial Shocker
New trials show that the anti-cholesterol drug Vytorin does not actually reduce heart disease... well, it's hard to stop people from having heart attacks when they see how much the damn drug costs.

Jackson Quitting
Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson is resigning. He wanted to keep working to fix the housing market, but realized it would be a lot more fun buying up foreclosed homes for a fraction of the price.

Bill Says Fight On
Former President Bill Clinton says the continuing battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton is good for the Democratic party, because "conflict can be exciting and good,"... he also likes it when a woman plays hard to get.

Player Arrested
High school basketball phenom Al-Farouq Aminu was arrested Friday on charges of aggravated assault and trespassing... wow, he really is ready for the NBA!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

"Earth Hour"
In order to bring attention to the problem of wasted energy, hundreds of cities from Rome to Chicago turned out their lights last night for one full hour. The stunt didn't actually do very much for the environment, but it was great for those cities' muggers, burglars and rapists.

New Fed Powers
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is set to propose sweeping new powers for the Federal Reserve bank, including the right to examine the financial status of any institution that could affect the markets. Sounds like a good plan, but just how will the Fed get a hold of the books from the Emperor's Club?

Open Skies Begins
The new "open skies" agreement between the U.S. and Britain goes into effect today, giving passengers on both sides of the Atlantic more options when it comes to nonstop flights. Now they can choose whether to be hopelessly delayed at JFK, LaGuardia, Heathrow, Gatwick, Newark...

New Arrivals in D.C.
Reports out of Washington say the cherry blossoms are already in bloom, which is weird because I thought the new Congressional interns didn't show up until the end of May.

Road Blocks Removed
Under pressure from the U.S., Israel is promising to remove 50 roadblocks from the West Bank. But Palestinian leaders won't be satisfied until the Israelis give the terrorists an E-Z Pass lane.

Islam is #1
The Vatican newspaper says Islam has now surpassed Roman Catholicism as the world's largest religion. But just to be sure, the world's Muslims are planning to kill a few more Catholics tgab usual this week.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Cuba Cell Phones
President Raul Castro is now allowing all Cuban people free access to cell phones. Thousands of Cubans are now desperately trying to convert their new cell phones into a giant raft to get to Key West.

Leahy Speaks Out
Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy says Hillary Clinton can't win the nomination and should drop out now. Patrick Leahy has about three days to live.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

McCain and Dems
New polls show John McCain has surprisingly strong appeal among registered Democrats. He also is the most popular candidate among voters who are sane.

Tax Plans
The presidential candidates are all making new tax policy proposals to boost the economy. John McCain wants to keep the Bush tax cuts, Barack Obama wants to raise taxes on the rich, and Hillary Clinton just wants everyone to lie on the tax returns.

Obama Speech
During Barack Obama's speech about the economy today he said, "the American economy does not stand still, and neither should the rules that govern it"... to which Wall Street responded: "Wait, there are rules?"

March Madness Resumes
The NCAA Men's basketball tournament resumes today... it's a huge relief for all the players who have worked very hard the last four days trying to look like they were going to class.

Korea Expulsions
North Korea is expeling all South Korean officials from its territory... in hopes they come back in a few days and bring food.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

China Angry
China is strongly protesting the U.S. military's mistaken delivery of nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan. If America can't keep track of its secret bomb parts, how is China going to able to find and steal them?

McCain Drafts Europe
John McCain is calling on Europe to share more of the world defense burden. Europe is willing to do the job as long as it gets six daily cigarette breaks and 12 weeks vacation.

McCain's Agenda
McCain devoted most of his speech today to what he called "the transcendent challenge of our time: The threat of radical Islamic terrorism." The news media responded by asking him if he prefers boxers or briefs and whether or not he drives a Prius.

American Flights Grounded
American Airlines says it voluntarily canceled nearly 10% of its flights today do make safety checks. That's opposed to United Airlines, which involuntarily canceled 20% of its flights today because a ticket counter agent called in sick.

Mental Capacity Case
The Indiana Solicitor General is asking the U.S. Supreme Court to bar mentally confused and incoherent defendants from representing themselves. of course, the only brain damaged people that should be allowed in court are the lawyers.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Hillary's Plan
Hillary Clinton is calling on retired government officials like Alan Greenspan, Paul Volcker and Robert Rubin to tackle the housing crisis. If elected, she also plans to call on George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln.

Military Firing
The former commander of the U.S. 6th Fleet has been fired for providing "false and misleading" information to the Department of Defense. Of course, the only people who can legally give the Pentagon bad information work for the CIA.

Economic Fears
Consumer confidence sank to a five-year low in March, and that's just the people who can afford the gas to get to the store in the first place.

Hillary Comes Clean
Hillary Clinton now admits she really wasn't shot at by snipers during a mid-1990's visit to Bosnia, claiming she forgot what happened... because whether or not a bunch of killers shoot at you or not is pretty easy to forget.

Mistaken Missive
The U.S. Defense Department accidentally shipped ballistic missile components to Taiwan, the Pentagon said Tuesday. Taiwan is offering to either send them back, or just start making them there for the U.S. for a tenth of the price.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Mayor Charged
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been indicted on felony charges... which is too bad, since he was the last person in Detroit who still had a job.

JPMorgan Sweetens the Deal
JPMorgan Chase is upping its offer for Bear Stearns from $2 per share to $10 per share. The sweetened offer was made to win over Bear Stearns shareholders and allow JPMorgan traders to get into Bear's March Madness office pool.

Johansson Jewish
In an interview on Israeli TV, Scarlett Johansson said she considers herself Jewish... which instantly made her unattractive to every Jewish male executive in Holllywood.

Johansson Jewish II
In an interview on Israeli TV, Scarlett Johansson said she considers herself Jewish... something she may have just said to get Woody Allen to stop hitting on her.

BBC Apology
The BBC is apologizing for major inaccuracies in two recent about Israel. But to save time from now own, the BBC will only apologize when it airs reports with accuracies about Israel.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Pope's Message of Peace
Pope Benedict XVI called for peace in Iraq, Israel and Tibet in his annual Easter message. Of course, the Pontiff wanted to remain realistic, so he didn't say anything about peace between Obama and Hillary.

Easter Hunting
It was a traditional Easter in America; millions of children searching for eggs, millions of adults searching for a gas at less than $3-a-gallon.

Meat Plant Explosion
A meat packing plant in Arkansas exploded Sunday afternoon, injuring several people and forcing evacuations. Witnesses saw three cows speeding away from the scene in a rented Ryder truck.

Dalai Lama Slammed
China is accusing the Dalai Lama of orchestrating the recent riots in Tibet in order to ruin the upcoming Olympic games. Usually the only people who can ruin the games are Bob Costas and slutty figure skaters.

No-Show Inspector
Police say the building inspector responsible for the crane that collapsed last week in Manhattan never showed up to check the structure... which is weird, because New York building inspectors usually like to pick up their bribes in person.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

March Madness
Millions of Americans are getting their brackets filled out and making copies in the hopes of winning their office March Madness pools. The only people that waste more time, money and paper are members of Congress.

Midwest Floods
A state of emergency has been declared in Missouri because of massive flooding. The other place more under water than Missouri is Bear Stearns.

Hillary in the House
Newly released documents prove that Hillary Clinton was in the White House when her husband and Monica Lewinsky had most of their sexual encounters. Of course, if she really wanted to learn something, Hillary would have had to be in the same room.

Bin Laden Slams Benedict
Just a few days before Easter, Osama bin Laden's latest audio message accused Pope Benedict and Catholics in general of organizing a lengthy campaign against Islam... an accusation that lost some of its sting a little later in the tape when bin Laden begged his followers to send him more Cadbury Eggs and Peeps.

Gold Prices Fall
The plummeting price of gold this week is providing relief for consumers concerned about inflation, and broke Americans who thought they were going to have to pull out their own fillings.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Stocks Jump
The Dow Jones soared by 420 points Tuesday on good earnings news from Goldman Sachs, an interest rate cut from the Fed, and news of a 50% off weekend sale at The Emperor's Club.

The Fed cut interest rates by three-quarters of a point Tuesday... which means the rich guy who ends up buying your foreclosed house is going to get a great deal.

Iraq War Cost
A new study shows that the war in Iraq will wind up costing the United States more than three trillion dollars. But President Bush is quick to point out that, thanks to the collapsing U.S. economy, three trillion dollars is really only two trillion euros.

Visa IPO
Visa is going public today in a record-breaking $17.9 billion IPO... but most of that was paid for on credit cards.

Iraq Decision
Iraq's presidential council has withdrawn its objection to a provincial elections law, paving way for Oct. 1 vote. It turns out the Iraqis didn't want things to get as violent as the voting disputes surrounding the Democratic primaries in Michigan and Florida.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Obama Speech
Presidential candidate Barack Obama is set to deliver a major speech today on race and politics. Hillary Clinton will respond with a major speech reminding all Americans that she is certainly not at all disturbed by Obama's race, anti-American black nationalist pastor, or kinky hair.

Rebate Checks on the Way
The IRS says the tax rebate checks should be in the mail by May. So all Americans will have to make sure they have a forwarding address since most of their homes will be foreclosed by then.

Dalai Lama's Choice
The Dalai Lama says he is considering resigning because of violent protests against Chinese rule in Tibet... well, that and because he was "client number eight."

Paterson Comes Clean
New York's new Governor David Paterson is admitting that he and his wife had affairs during a "rough patch" in their marriage. That's okay with New York voters, as long as those affairs weren't with former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey and his wife, Dina.

D.C. Handguns
The Supreme Court will decide whether Washington's sweeping ban on handgun ownership violates the Constitution. Of course, Washington residents really only need guns when Congress is in session.