NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



March Madness
Millions of Americans are getting their brackets filled out and making copies in the hopes of winning their office March Madness pools. The only people that waste more time, money and paper are members of Congress.




Midwest Floods
A state of emergency has been declared in Missouri because of massive flooding. The other place more under water than Missouri is Bear Stearns.



Hillary in the House
Newly released documents prove that Hillary Clinton was in the White House when her husband and Monica Lewinsky had most of their sexual encounters. Of course, if she really wanted to learn something, Hillary would have had to be in the same room.



Bin Laden Slams Benedict
Just a few days before Easter, Osama bin Laden's latest audio message accused Pope Benedict and Catholics in general of organizing a lengthy campaign against Islam... an accusation that lost some of its sting a little later in the tape when bin Laden begged his followers to send him more Cadbury Eggs and Peeps.



Gold Prices Fall
The plummeting price of gold this week is providing relief for consumers concerned about inflation, and broke Americans who thought they were going to have to pull out their own fillings.