Spitzer Still Here
Eliot Spitzer has not yet resigned as governor of New York, despite being linked to a prostitution ring. He's reluctant to admit he used the escort service until he can resolve some disputed charges on his credit card.

Spitzer reportedly never wanted to use a condom with the prostitutes, citing "executive privilege."

The news media is camped out in front of Spitzer's 5th Avenue apartment building. Spitzer has not left the building yet, but his best suits and electronic equipment have been thrown in a heap directly below his bedroom window.



Fed Moves
The Federal Reserve is lending $200 billion to banks all over the world in an effort to stabilize stock markets, ease the mortgage crisis, and give bank CEOs a chance to pay off their outstanding bills at the Emperors Club.



Airman Found
The U.S. military has identified the frozen body of a World War II airman who vanished more than half a century ago in California. They considered unfreezing him to see if he would come back to life, but then realized that seeing what California is like now would probably kill him for good.



Stealth Retirement
All of the original Stealth Bombers are being taken out of commission by the U.S. Airforce. They will now only be used by politicians shuttling back and forth to meetings with prostitutes.



Obama Says "No"
Barack Obama is beating back any notion of giving up his presidential bid to be Hillary Rodham Clinton's running mate. Obama may want to rethink that position, since being Hillary's partner means you can cheat any time you want.



MLB Going Green
Major League Baseball has announced sweeping new recycling initiatives. Ball parks will cut down on garbage, teams will travel in hyrbid vehicles, and Roger Clemens is going to recycle all of his needles.