Russian Election
Dmitry Medvedev has won the Russian presidential election with 70% of the vote. In a related story, 30% of the Russian population is about to be executed.



Asleep at Work
A new survey shows that a third of American workers are getting some sleep while at work. The other two-thirds are stuck on hold waiting for the workers on the other end of the phone to wake up.



Latin American Moves
Venezuela and Ecuador are massing troops at the Colombian border. It’s the biggest threat to the cocaine trade since Robert Downey Jr. went to jail.



Vioxx Settlement
Drug-maker Merck says more than 44,000 people have signed up for part of a $4.85 billion Vioxx settlement. But with a name like Vioxx, it turns out that about 25,000of those people thought they were signing up for free porn.