Holiday Observance
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Chicago has dyed its river green… and Bear Stearns has dyed its balance sheet red.



Fire Sale
JP Morgan is buying troubled brokerage Bear Stearns for the bargain basement price of $2 per share. The only thing less valuable than Bear Stearns stock are song downloads from Eliot Spitzer's ex-hookers.



Manson Search
Investigators are searching the former Manson family campsite for human remains connected to several unsolved murders. But it's not clear if they'll uncover more dead bodies there than there are to be found today on Bear Stearns' trading floor.



Israeli Construction
Despite strong European objections, Israel will continue to build Jewish settlements in East Jerusalem. Also despite strong European objections, Jewish people are still alive.



Mills McCartney Settlement
Heather Mills is getting about $50 million in her divorce settlement with Paul McCartney. So the next time Ringo needs cash, he's going to have to ask HER.