Friday, December 31, 2004

TO ALL MY READERS: Thanks for visiting this site in 2004, and I hope you'll enjoy my work in 2005. In the coming year I resolve to get on staff at Letterman, Conan, or The Daily Show, so the rest of America can enjoy what you have seen for so long already. Please wish me luck and pass my name on to anyone who enjoys comedy!

New Year's Eve
Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell will throw the switch to start the ball dropping in Times Square tonight. It'll be the first time in 4 years that Powell does something that will actually have a visible effect.

New Year's Eve II
Security will be tight for New Year's Eve with a "no fly" rule over New York City. Actually, US Airways has been observing that restriction since Christmas.

Top 5 Dangerous Things the NYPD is Looking for in Times Square Tonight

5) Bernie Kerik's ex-mistresses

4) Red state tourists who loudly ask: "Where's all the gay people at?"

3) Janet Jackson's other breast

2) Anyone who had Jason Giambi on their fantasy baseball team

1) Deranged drivers who think they can get across town on New Year's Eve

Singing Traders
Every year on the final day of trading, workers on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange sing the 19th century song, "Wait 'til the Sun Shines, Nellie," in hopes of bringing in better times for the future. But this year the song has been changed to the more appropriate, "We're Waiting 'till You Go to Albany, Mr. Spitzer."

Thursday, December 30, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Media Tsunami
The continuing Tsunami tragedy is presenting the American news media with a huge challenge. Every newspaper and TV network is trying its best to get the latest updates, help the victims, and find some way to give this the same amount of coverage as the Janet Jackson breast incident.

Museum Fakes
Israel has charged four men for forging Bible-era artifacts and selling them to museums across the world. Prosecutors say the men thrived on exploiting the deep emotional needs of religious Jews and Christians, but not as much as the Bush campaign.

Top 10 Questionable Bible-Era Artifacts in World Museums

10) Jesus' first pair of Birkenstocks

9) Prints of Mary's first sonogram

8) Jacob's Canaan High School Wrestling Champion t-shirt and pennant

7) Joshua's Jericho Walls demolition kit

6) John The Baptist's Scuba equipment

5) Stone tablet with "King David Wuz Here" engraving

4) Jezebel's gold-plated thong

3) Noah's seasickness pills

2) Moses' wooden staff and laser pointer

1) Joseph's matching pants of many colors

Military Marriage Fund
The Pentagon is doling out more than $2 million to create a new program to help keep military marriages intact. Of course, they could save most soldiers' marriages and an additional $100 billion dollars if we just pulled out of Iraq.

Military Marriage Fund II
The Pentagon says it needs to help keep military marriages intact because most couples can't deal with the long separations caused by the war. Of course, if they just let gay couples serve together, we wouldn't have this problem

Military Marriage Fund III
The Pentagon is paying to send some military couples to the Opryland Hotel in Nashville to help recharge their relationships. Experts say this is a perfect idea, because after a weekend in Tennessee most wives will finally get a taste of the devastation their husbands had to deal with in Iraq.

AARP Frozen Out?
The AARP is complaining that President Bush hasn't yet agreed to meet with them to talk about his plans to privatize Social Security. Bush explained that he's not insecure about the plan, it's just that when he talks with all those old people they keep correcting his grammar.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

U.S. Airways Volunteers
U.S. Airways is putting a call out for people willing to work for free this New Year's weekend. Of course there already is a place where thousands of Americans have volunteered for a hopeless enterprise -- it's called Iraq.

Top 5 Reasons to Work for U.S. Airways for Free this Weekend

5) What the Hell? It's not like there's a need for volunteers to save victims of a Tsunami or anything

4) Actually less-stressful and more rewarding than being paid to work the returns counter at Wal-Mart

3) If you're lucky, they'll let you "pat down" all the hot female passengers

2) At least this job won't eventually be outsourced to India

1) Stealing luggage is fun!

Steinbeck Library
The library in literary great John Steinbeck's hometown is shutting down. But closing a library in Steinbeck's birthplace isn't as ridiculous as the fact that they're trying to open a library in President Bush's hometown.

Minnelli Cancels
After injuring herself in a fall, Liza Minnelli has been forced to cancel a special New Year's Eve show at a Miami club. But everyone who bought tickets is still coming to the club, because while not having Liza means no entertainment, at least now there will be enough alcohol to go around.

Sontag Dead
Susan Sontag, the writer and outspoken critic of America, died yesterday at age 71. Her death means that the American woman who brings the most shame to her country now is Britney Spears.

Bartender Fired
A federal appeals court has upheld a Reno casino's decision to fire a female bartender for not wearing makeup. The court's decision cited the well-known fact that hopeless alcoholics and gambling addicts have very high standards when it comes to personal appearance.

Canadian Drugs Blocked
Canada's Health Minister is threatening to block the sale of prescription drugs to the U.S. from Canadian web sites. Americans say the decision will be okay with them, as long as Canada also promised to stop the importation of any additional Anne Murray CD's.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Tsunami Relief Packages
The good news is that Americans are sending millions of dollars worth of aid to the victims of the Asian Tsunamis. The bad news is that we're sending it to them on U.S. Airways.

Minnelli Injured
Liza Minnelli is in a New York hospital after falling out of bed yesterday morning. But doctors say her injury is minor and they expect Minnelli to be walking, talking, and beating her servants within a few days.

Scrounger Released
Authorities have released the former reservist jailed for taking abandoned Army vehicles in Kuwait. Now she hopes to get the only job anyone found stealing from the Army is capable of doing -- billing executive at Halliburton.

Top 5 Reasons Why All of Wall Street Deserves this Year's Record Bonuses

5) Last little old lady in Kansas finally swindled out of her life savings

4) Convinced voters that President Bush is actually good for the economy

3) Every employee at every brokerage house, including the janitors, is obviously better at business than all the contestants on "The Apprentice"

2) Found jobs for all of President Bush's failed cabinet members

1) No involvement in the Janet Jackson breast incident

New Osama Tape
A new audiotape from Osama bin Laden urges Iraqis not to vote in the January 30th elections. Not because he opposes the U.S.-led attempt at democracy, but because he doesn't trust all those new electronic voting machines.

Osama & Zarqawi
In his new audiotape, Osama bin Laden says he's now joining forces with Iraqi insurgent leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. But the merger still needs to be approved by the SEC.

CEO Severance
Outgoing Bank of America CEO Chad Gifford is getting a severance package that includes more than $25 million and season tickets for the Boston Red Sox. Upon hearing the details of the package, Gifford's enemies dropped their efforts to reduce his cash award and started working to replace his Red Sox seats with Mets tickets.

Ecstasy Research
Researchers at Harvard say giving dying cancer sufferers the "club drug" Ecstasy can be a great way to stimulate euphoria and sexual arousal. Of course, what the Harvard researchers will never know is that you can also get those feelings from actually having a date.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Tsunami Relief
The world is rushing to help the victims of the Asian Tsunamis. The United States is sending food supplies, Switzerland is sending cash, and France is offering advice on how to blame this all on the Jews.

Tsunami Reaction
President Bush says he's angry and frustrated by the disaster... but mostly because he can't pronounce "Tsunami" and wants to just call it a "Tidal Wave."

Yushchenko Leads
Opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko holds a commanding lead in the new Ukrainian presidential elections. His triumph proves that cheaters can never win... unless they convince key states in their countries to use electronic voting machines.

McDonald's Hacked
A Chinese man hacked the McDonald's web site this weekend to protest the fast food chain's listing of Taiwan as a separate country. Meanwhile, an American computer hacker did the same thing to protest the fact that going to McDonald's has forced him to list his ass as a separate country.

Top 5 Reasons Cuba is Breaking Tourism Records

5) Best place to go to avoid all the modern gadgets and hassles of life; like toilet paper and showering

4) Beats Canada as a place to hide out from the impending draft

3) They make the whole population show up for annoying parades every day at noon... just like Disney World!

2) Seductive new slogan: "Come for the sun, stay for the affordable prescription drugs!"

1) Combines great cigars with corrupt political leadership; in America we called that "The Clinton Administration"

Bush Immigration
President Bush faces a tough job in trying to convince his divided fellow Republicans to relax certain immigration restrictions. Half of the GOP actually wants tougher border controls, and the other half just wants to keep the gay people out.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Taxi Delivery
5 police officers helped out with a very special delivery yesterday, as a 22-year-old woman gave birth to a baby in the back of a yellow cab heading from Manhattan to Queens. The story is a real Christmas miracle; someone in the city actually found a cabbie willing to take her to Queens!

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Top 5 Reasons Santa isn't so Tired Today

5) Karl Rove showed him how he could completely ignore the kids in New York and California and still win over most of the country

4) Fired the elves and hired three times as many helpers from India for the same price

3) Some of the reindeer got their hands on Barry Bonds' steroids

2) Bernard Kerik gave him some new pointers on how to visit 10 women every 10 minutes

1) Due to FDA warnings about all his favorite painkillers, he was forced to switch to Cocaine

Friday, December 24, 2004

Rumsfeld Visit
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is paying a surprise Christmas visit to the troops in Iraq today. Actually, he's really there to star in a new holiday movie called "The Grinch Who Stole Your Future."

Top 5 Real Reasons Secretary Rumsfeld is Making a Christmas Visit to Iraq

5) Recruit some soldiers to sign his name for him on death notices

4) Remind himself just what he's working so hard for... a huge-paying executive position at Halliburton in 2008

3) To prove his extreme bravery... by eating the food

2) Going to a hostile fire zone is still better than spending Christmas with Mrs. Rumsfeld's family

1) Get some advice from Saddam Hussein on how to deal with being ousted from power

NYC Hawks Welcomed Back
The 5th Avenue building that evicted the hawks "Pale Male" and "Lola" has rebuilt their nest and is welcoming them back. But the birds now say that for tax purposes, they'll probably keep their primary residence in Florida.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Bowling for Yasser
A new report reveals that Yasser Arafat invested heavily in several bowling alleys in New York and Maryland. Of course we should have realized something was up when all the 9-pins kept exploding.

Top 5 Other Surprising Places Yasser Arafat Put His Money

5) Giuliani Partners

4) "Gigli", (later found out it wasn't THAT kind of a bomb)

3) Gefilte fish futures

2) Arid Extra Dry

1) Gillette Razors

New Airport Security Rules
The government is now telling airport screeners to do their best not to touch women's breasts during security pat-downs. Well that's one directive that never would have been issued if Bernard Kerik had been made Homeland Security Chief!

Kerik Quits
Bernard Kerik resigned from his position at Giuliani partners, saying he's looking forward to "getting back in the gym." What?... a wife, kids and two mistresses don't keep you fit enough?

Giuliani Sad
Rudy Giuliani says he regrets Bernard Kerik's decision to leave his investment firm. That's because Kerik was the best guy to ask about where to meet your mistress on weeknights.

Top 5 Eventual Results of the Bush Administration's Relaxed Forestry Rules

5) Keebler Elves forced to move their factory to India

4) Spotted Owls lobby for major tax break to compensate for losing their homes

3) Yellowstone National Park to become Yellowstone-Verizon National Cell Phone Tower Park

2) Trump Tree House Condominiums enter the market at $5.2 million each

1) Next year on NBC: The NASCAR Redwood Forest 500!

GM Recall
General Motors Corp is recalling more than 700,000 minivans because of a defect in the sliding doors... and the FDA has a new report that they may increase the chances of heart disease.

Pell Grant Rules
The federal government is going to make it tougher for college students to receive Pell Grants. The new rules will require students to show a greater financial need, provide more documentation, and actually show up to class.

Teacher Gifts
Many parents are in a quandary as they try to decide what to give their kids' teachers for Christmas. Most educators say small gifts are nice, especially if everyone chips in just a little bit to buy each teacher a bullet-proof vest.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Cheaper Drugs?
The Bush Administration says importing prescription drugs from Canada wouldn't save Americans much money. And if that doesn't get the people to shut up, they'll just have the FDA say that every prescription drug causes heart attacks.

Top 5 Reasons Randy Johnson is Happy his Trade Deal to the Yankees Fell Through

5) Didn't want to share needles with Giambi

4) Things in the Bronx not so happy anymore now that Jeter and A-Rod are "seeing other people"

3) Bernard Kerik is hogging all the hot groupies for himself

2) Saw FDA's new study saying pitching for the Yanks may increase the chances of heart disease

1) A 6 foot 10 inch man in pinstripes looks like a walking prison cell

Shaq vs. Kobe
Basketball fans are gearing up for Shaquille O'Neal's first game against Kobe Bryant since O'Neal left the Lakers. Shaq is promising to stop Bryant with some steals, blocked shots, and convincing testimony to prosecutors.

Bull for Sale
New York City wants to sell the famous "Charging Bull" sculpture on Wall Street for $5 million. You usually don't have to pay that much for bull in New York City unless you make a big campaign donation.

He Feels Good
James Brown says he's the perfect performer to go to Iraq and fire up the troops to "smack the enemy." Apparently, Brown thinks the insurgents include some of his former wives.

Fish Eggs
Male fish in Maryland have been found growing eggs. Environmentalists blame pollution, Republicans blame gay marriage.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

CBS Pulls Ads
CBS will no longer air three ads from Miller Beer, saying the ads make claims that "cannot be substantiated." No word yet on whether CBS will apply the same rules to the Evening News with Dan Rather.

Top 5 Shocking Plot Twists in the New Harry Potter Book

5) 500 pounds of marijuana "discovered" in Hufflepuff House

4) Hermione drops out of Hogwart's, feels much more comfortable at Mt. Holyoke

3) Evil Lord Voldemort tripped up this time by income tax evasion indictment

2) Harry's Quidditch team disqualified for steroids

1) Harry learns new spell to protect himself from Michael Jackson

Holiday Time
Millions of Americans are busy decorating their homes for Christmas... but you should know that the FDA has just released a study that shows that putting up trees and hanging mistletoe can increase your chances of heart disease.

Alleve Warning
Now the FDA is warning Americans that the over-the-counter drug "Alleve" may also cause heart disease and stroke. But experts say that taking over-the-counter drugs is still less of a strain on your heart than trying to pay for prescription drugs.

Bush Backs Rummy
President Bush says he's going to stand by Donald Rumsfeld and keep him as Secretary of Defense... but the FDA now warns that doing so could increase the President's chance of heart disease or stroke.

FDA Warnings
It seems like every day, the FDA comes out with a new warning about how a different painkiller increases the risk of heart disease. Maybe they should stop using Dick Cheney as a subject in all of their drug trials

American Meals
American Airlines is now longer offering free food on most of its domestic flights. Most American passengers are reacting to the news with shock, saying: "That was food?"

Monday, December 20, 2004

Today is my birthday!

I'd like to thank the politicians, celebrities, and all the other ethically-challenged people in the world for making my joke-writing career so easy this past year!

In lieu of flowers, I ask all my readers to enjoy a laugh and please SPREAD THE WORD about Jake Novak, the aspiring comedian who dreams of working for Dave, Conan or Jay someday soon, (preferably before my next birthday).

It was so cold in New York City last night; Bernard Kerik only left the house to meet two of his mistresses.

Bush Social Security
President Bush refused to answer specific questions about his plans to overhaul Social Security, saying that "negotiating with himself," would only lead to failure. But experts say that's not necessarily the case; if Bill Clinton had "negotiated with himself" a little more often he probably wouldn't have gotten into that whole Monica Lewinsky mess.

Worst Crash Test
The 2004 Kia Spectra got the insurance industry's worst safety rating this year after a crash test dummy's head, chest, and legs were injured in the 40 mph crash test. That says nothing of the dummy's self-esteem, which was irreparably damaged after it was seen in a Kia Spectra.

Top 5 Cars More Dangerous than the 2004 Kia Spectra

5) A new car at Christmastime with one of those stupid gigantic bows still on it

4) A 1985 Nissan Sentra... in Baghdad

3) A Hummer at an environmentalist rally

2) School Bus... at the Neverland Ranch

1) Anything driven by Billy Joel

Going Co-Ed
A judge has rejected a lawsuit that would have blocked Wells College's plans to allow men to enroll in the school for the first time in its 136-year history. The court's decision means the student body now has just 10 months to shave their legs.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 5 Things the French Hope to Find with Their New Spy Satellite

5) A backbone

4) 100 more ways to act superior

3) New recipes for horse meat

2) Another lame American comedian to turn into a national icon

1) A shower

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Cuba Protest
Cuban protesters in Havana put up a huge billboard with a swastika to attack the U.S. yesterday. But the effectiveness of the protest was somewhat diminished three hours later, when the same Cubans took the billboard down and used it as a raft to escape to Key West.

Marijuana Poll
A new poll shows that a majority of American seniors favor the use of medical marijuana... so did most of the juniors, sophomores and freshmen.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Top 5 Lessons Jenna Bush Will Teach Her Elementary School Students

5) Arts and Crafts: How to make a fake ID

4) History: If your Grandad was famous, you get to go to a good college!

3) Phys. Ed: Run, hop, and crawl to the next pub

2) Science: Jesus makes it grow!

1) Math: a huge budget deficit + more irresponsible tax cuts + an endless war in Iraq = 4 more years!

DC Baseball Curve
It looks like the Montreal Expos' planned move to the nation's capital will fall through. So, the team will probably end up doing what everyone else who can't make it in Washington does -- become commentators on the FOX News Channel.

Kerik Flaws
Insiders say that the failure of Bernard Kerik's nomination to head Homeland Security is due to Kerik not being candid about his problems, the FBI not conducting an investigation of him, and none of his supporters really questioning his background. Oh wait, that's how we got stuck with President Bush.

Going to Israel
Immigration to Israel from America has surged this year to a 20 year high. Yep, if you're sick of all the "blue state/red state internal conflict, there's no place like Israel to get a little peace.

Bush Summit
This week, President Bush opened a gathering of economists and CEOs at a gathering called "securing our economic future." And after they're through figuring out how to do that, maybe they'll talk a little about the rest of the country.

Pill's Benefits
Federal health officials are backing off earlier claims, and now say there is no evidence that oral contraceptives cut the risk of heart disease. But most women insist that taking the pill can still save you from the heart attack you'll get from finding out you're accidentally pregnant.

Yuschenko Poison
New tests reveal the dioxin level in Victor Yushchenko is more than 6,000 times higher than normal, But that's still less than the cholesterol levels in Dick Cheney.

Dirty Games
Illinois' governor proposed legislation that would make the state the first to ban the sale and distribution of violent and sexually explicit video games to minors. So I guess that means kids in Chicago won't be able to go to see the Bulls anymore

Married Health
New research shows that married Americans have fewer psychological problems than single, divorced or widowed people... which explains why your spouse works so hard to drive you crazy.

Top 5 Least Popular Exhibits at the History of Contraception Museum in Cleveland

5) Hall of Unpleasant Body Odors

4) Twice-Used Condoms Display

3) Non-Alcoholic Beer Collage

2) Spermicidal Jelly Finger Paintings

1) Portrait of Bea Arthur

Gay Soldiers
A new report says the U.S. Army would not have to recall so many formerly discharged soldiers, if it had not fired so many gay soldiers in recent years. And there wouldn't be so many gay soldiers if the Army could get of Iraq and see some real women for a change.

New Tactic
A new trend for women in New York City to avoid getting harassed by strange men is to wear fake diamond engagement rings. Which is funny, because women who do want to get harassed by strange men are wearing fake boobs.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Jenna Teaching
President Bush's 22-year old daughter Jenna will take a teaching job at a Washington, D.C. elmentary school. This marks the first time a sitting President's daughter will teach at a public school, and the first time in history that the Secret Service is likely to be outgunned.

Sprint and Nextel will merge in $35 billion deal that would create America's third largest wireless telephone service provider. Most of the new company's business will come from annoying lawyers finalizing the merger while on their cell phones.

Top 5 Conditions the Hawks had to Agree to Before Returning to 927 5th Ave.

5) No loud parties after 10pm

4) Provide proof that they didn't vote for Bush

3) Promise to make a big donation to the Museum of Natural History next fall

2) Pretend that fellow resident Paula Zahn is a journalist

1) "Accidentally" poop on a few lingering protesters

Missile Failure
An interceptor missile failed to launch Wednesday in the first full flight test of the U.S. national missile defense system in nearly two years. The Bush Administration says the missile obviously lacked "moral values"

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Kerik Fails
You know it's too bad Bernard Kerik won't get to be the Homeland Security chief... frankly I'd feel a lot better with him off the streets.

Birds Back
Bird lovers and co-op owners worked out a tentative agreement allowing Pale Male and Lola, the red-tailed hawks, to return to their nest atop a posh 5th Avenue building. The birds just have to come up with a $7.25 million dollar balloon interest payment by February.

Babs Falls
While at the White House Christmas party this week, first daughter Barbara Bush accidentally smashed her head on the dance floor. It was painful, but for a few moments at least, she was able to think just like her father.

Pam's TV Deal
Pamela Anderson will star in a sitcom for FOX in which she will play a woman trying to change her habit of falling for irresponsible men. Oh wait, no... that's tonight's episode of "True Hollywood Story."

O'Keefe's New Job
NASA administrator Sean O'Keefe resigned this week for a $500,000 per year job as chancellor of Louisiana State University. Not only does the new position pay more, but from now on when people under his supervision die, he can just blame drugs and alcohol.

McCain's Complaint
Senator John McCain says he has "no confidence" in Donald Rumsfeld, however he isn't calling for his resignation because he says President Bush "can have the team that he wants." But if that were true, McCain wouldn't be able to stay a Republican.

Christmas Bells
Researchers say Christmas is the deadliest day of the year, with Americans dying at a 12.4% higher rate on December 25th than on any other day. Yet another reason not to waste money on holiday gifts for old people.

Halftime Show
The makers of "Girls Gone Wild" will air a pay-per-view special opposite
this year's Super Bowl halftime show that will contain nudity. But why should viewers pay for something this year that they got last year for free?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Jury Verdict
The Scott Peterson jury actually came down with two verdicts. First they sentenced him to death, and they subsequently sentenced all FOX News Channel viewers to 8 1/2 more hours of nothing but Greta Van Susteren.

Top 5 Things Scott Peterson Will Say to the Judge When He Asks for Mercy

5) A wife and a kid would have really gotten in the way of my plans to feed and clothe all the needy

4) I did it all to boost Greta Van Susteren's ratings

3) When Laci threw that beer on me in Detroit, I just lost myself in rage

2) I just didn't want the hassle of itemizing my taxes for the rest of my life

1) Michael Jackson sexually abused me as a child

Geragos Reaction
Responding to the jury's decision to recommend the death penalty for Scott Peterson, defense attorney Mark Geragos said this is "a very difficult time." Not because his client is likely to die, but because now he'll probably be expected to show up at most of the appeals hearings.

Mystery Solved
Well, I guess we finally know how Rudy Giuliani reduced street crime so dramatically in New York City -- he took Bernard Kerik off the streets and made him police commissioner.

Kerik's Affairs
Bernard Kerik reportedly kept a secret Battery City apartment where he had two extramarital affairs simultaneously with a corrections officer and publisher Judith Regan. That would mean Kerik must have played the female in that ménage a trois.

Giuliani Apology
Rudy Giuliani has apologized to President Bush for pushing Bernard Kerick as Homeland Security secretary and the embarrassment it caused. Of course, that isn't half as bad as the embarrassment he causes the President every time Bush tries to spell his name.

Lieberman Considered
One of the people being considered for the head of Homeland Security is Democratic Senator Joseph Lieberman... who won't be able to catch the terrorists, but should have success in getting them to stop using foul language.

Museum Racket?
It's believed that some of the walls in New York's newly renovated Museum of Natural History were put up by a contractor with ties to the Mafia. Police are investigating, but the Dinosaurs ain't talking.

Garden State H
The FDA reported that New Jersey's heroin was found to be the purest in the nation... that is, until you mix it with New Jersey water.

Hippo Found
A hippopotamus that ran away from a nature reserve, where it was being bullied by another more dominant hippopotamus, has returned home. Maybe now Al Gore and John Kerry will have the courage to follow his example.

Monday, December 13, 2004

NASA Resignation
NASA chief Sean O'Keefe is resigning to become the new Chancellor of Louisiana State University. O'Keefe is the perfect person for the job because most people from Louisiana look and sound like they're from outer space.

Bryant vs. Malone
The L.A. Lakers' Kobe Bryant-Karl Malone feud has turned personal, with Bryant accusing Malone of making a pass at his wife at a game. Meanwhile, Lakers fans are still waiting for Bryant to make a pass to anyone at a game.

Hull's Dentures
Hockey Great Bobby Hull's dentures recently sold at auction for about $600. Now the dentures can be used to see if they match the teeth marks on Henri Richard's ass.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

ALSO! I have a new satirical story published on The Fake News! Here is the link: The Fake News

Top 5 REAL Reasons Viktor Yushchenko's Face Became Disfigured
5) Saw "Christmas with the Kranks"

4) Mixed John Kerry's Botox with Barry Bonds' steroids

3) Went on a few dates with Liza Minnelli

2) Spent weekend after Thanksgiving at the mall, then went to Post Office

1) Needs a big facial gimmick, like Gorbachev's birthmark

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Kerik Withdraws
Bernard Kerik says he may have employed an illegal immigrant as a nanny, so he's withdrawing as President Bush's choice to be the new Secretary of Homeland Security. So now Bush's cabinet members are quitting before they even start on the job!

Bush Physical
President Bush finally had his annual physical after 4 months of delays. Doctors say they kept having to postpone the tests because you can't do a proper rectal exam on someone who's always talking out of his ass.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Top 5 Instructions Judge Delucchi Read to the Scott Peterson Jury

5) It doesn't matter whether you liked the blonde Scott better than the brunette Scott, your verdict for both of them must be the same

4) You can vote right away, but if you decide to execute him it would be pretty funny to stay out for at least 5 days just to make him sweat a little

3) This is the most important thing to know if your deliberations go long: A straight beats three-of-a-kind

2) I know she's a skank, but you can't sentence Scott Peterson to life with Amber Frey

1) If you get this over with quickly I promise not to put any of you on the Michael Jackson jury

Laptop Danger
Scientists are now saying that the heat generated by laptop computers can potentially affect sperm quality and quantity in men... though not as much as the internet porn most men look at on their lap top computers.

Christmas Shopping
Retailers are noticing a drop-off in sales since a strong post-Thanksgiving weekend. Experts say consumers will return to the mall just as soon as they save up enough money to fill their cars with gas.

Top 5 Rejected Themes for President Bush's Second Inauguration
5) "Thank You al Qaeda, We Wouldn't Still Be Here Without You!"

4) "Same Sh*t... Different Four Years"

3) An Inauguration for Someone Who Can't Spell 'Inauguration'"

2) "Four More Years of No Sex in the Oval Office"

1) "George W. Bush 2: The Wrath of Jesus"

Def Jam Decision
Jay-Z was named president of the Def Jam record label... Democrats are demanding a recount.

Sharpton Money
New York's Village Voice is reporting that of the $86,000 the Democratic National Committee paid to Al Sharpton to campaign for John Kerry, $35,000 of it went right into Sharpton's pocket. But Sharpton denies that and insists it actually went right into his stomach

Travolta Blimp
John Travolta has reportedly bought an $11 million zeppelin for Christmas from the Neiman-Marcus catalogue. Of course Travolta should feel comfortable in his own blimp because it can't possibly crash and burn as often as his career.

NYC Deal
Under a deal announced by New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg, the History Channel will help improve the city's image by fixing up historical landmarks. But the History Channel pulled out of the deal when it found out the city has no statues of Hitler.

Gay Rights Pullback?
In the wake of their clear losses in in the November elections, leaders of the gay rights movement are thinking about scaling back their goals. But most rank-and-file members still want to try to date Matt Damon.

W Pictorial
The January issue of W magazine will feature elephants wearing clothes made by some of today's top designers... but enough about Kirstie alley and Liza Minnelli.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Top 10 Ways Antiochus IV Profaned the 2nd Temple

10) Caught handing out annoying "Jews for Alexander" literature at the door

9) Loudly snored through High Priest's sermons

8) Donated bagels for the Shabbat Kiddush... but they were Lender's Bagels

7) Repeatedly stood up and folded Tallis during president's announcements

6) Insisted on putting memorial plaques over urinals he donated to the men's bathroom

5) Invited strippers to the Men's Club meetings

4) Enjoyed hitting Bar Mitzvah boys in the crotch during candy throw

3) Kept wandering into the women's mikveh "by accident"

2) Smelled a lot like French fries every Yom Kippur

1) Had "inappropriate relationship" with his young Jewish intern

Martha's Show
NBC said that after she gets out prison, Martha Stewart will star in a new show where she will interact with guests in the studio audience. Experts say the show may not do so well because women who liked to get verbally abused while they learn new recipes usually just go to visit their Mothers-in-Law.

Top 5 Reasons John Snow Begged to Stay on As Secretary of the Treasury

5) Wouldn't mind going back to the corporate world, but he doesn't speak Hindi

4) Still waiting for his invitation to go duck hunting with Scalia

3) Is often soothed by the site of all those shiny new nickels

2) Has six new re-designs of the $20 bill to finish... including one featuring an angry, naked and drunk Andrew Jackson

1) It's not like there are any real jobs out there anyway

Canadian Gay Marriage Ruling
The Canadian supreme court has ruled that the government can make same-sex marriage legal. But it's not clear if the court made that decision because it really supports gay rights or because it wants the Conservatives to retake control of Parliament.

Manhattan Brothel
Jenny Paulino, a 44 year-old Manhattan woman, was arrested Tuesday on charges she ran a high-price prostitution service on the East Side. Paulino says she's learned her lesson and from now on she will do only what police and state prosecutors want... by running a low-priced prostitution service on the East Side.

Brawl Indictments
In response to last month's brawl, county prosecutors charged 5 Indiana Pacers with 6 criminal offenses and 7 fans with 7 separate offenses of their own. The indictment actually contains more offense than we've seen from the Knicks all season.

Held Back
A new study says a Florida policy that holds back third graders who can't read significantly benefits the kids forced to repeat the same grade. Not because they learned more, but because they were able to beat up all the younger kids in their class.

Brazile's Take
Al Gore's former campaign manager Donna Brazile says that the Democratic Party isn't dead it's just "gone fishing." But most Democrats think "gone fishing" means making reservations at sushi bar.

Gay Soldier
A U.S. military appeals court has overturned a conviction of a gay soldier for sodomy. The ruling is seen as a victory for everyone; gays in the military can breathe easier, and the Pentagon can continue having Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison gang-raped.

Veterans Affairs
President Bush says Ambassador Jim Nicholson is the perfect person to become the next Secretary of Veterans Affairs. That's because after three years of being the U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican, Nicholson should have no trouble dealing with lots of frustrated and angry men.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Landlord Convicted
A jury found a New York City landlord guilty of using violence to force out two brothers who were living in a 3-bedroom rent-controlled apartment for $400 a month. The big question in this case is: how the Hell did they get 12 New Yorkers to sympathize with people living in an apartment for $400 a month?!?

Rumsfeld Questioned
During a televised event in Kuwait yesterday, a National Guard soldier asked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld some tough questions about the lack of adequate vehicle armor. The soldier may not get more armor for his unit, but he is now the front-runner to replace Dan Rather at CBS.

Top 5 Reasons U.S. Defense Contractors Aren't Making Enough Vehicle Armor for Troops in Iraq

5) Chinese factory workers at most outsourced defense companies are just not as patriotic about the United States as they should be

4) Making more armor really cuts into their much more lucrative casket-making businesses

3) Well they could, but then there wouldn't be as much money for all the executives to steal and give to their mistresses

2) Protecting American troops not so popular with all the foreign shareholders

1) Great! They make all those great bombs and bullets, and then have to make armor that stops bombs and bullets. Where's the point in that?!?

Monday Night Fire
Angry viewers flooded Chicago's ABC station with complaints when the station preempted the first half of "Monday Night Football" with continuous coverage of this week's LaSalle Bank building fire. The callers had a point, if people in Chicago wanted to see a disaster they would have been watching the Bulls game.

The Pennsylvania attorney general's office is suing the online Trinity Southern University for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees -- including an MBA awarded to a cat. But in their defense, the school correctly points out that the cat is already showing more business sense than the contestants on "The Apprentice."

Treasury Phones
AT&T has won a $1 billion contract to provide super-high speed communications to the Treasury Department. The new system is expected to help President Bush inform the next few Treasury Secretaries the exact moment when they're fired.

Iraq Warning
Iraq's interim president Ghazi Yawar warned Iran today against meddling in Iraq's elections and trying to force a religious government on its own people... oh wait, he actually sent that warning to the U.S.

KKK Ruling
The Supreme Court ruled this week that members of the Ku Klux Klan cannot protest in New York City wearing their hoods and must show their faces. Of course, the Klan already demonstrated without their masks in New York this summer... but that was when they were delegates to the Republican National Convention.

Chinese Drinking
A new discovery indicates that the Chinese had been drinking alcohol as early as 9000 years ago. The news has the entire nation of Ireland drinking even more heavily to catch up.

Flu Shots Coming
Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson announced that 1.2 million additional flu shots are being shipped to Washington D.C. this month. Usually you don't have that many pricks coming to the nation's capital until they swear in the new members of Congress.

IBM Sale
IBM is selling its PC manufacturing business to a Chinese computer company. At least now all the executives and factory employees will be able to speak to each other without an interpreter.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Top 5 Signs Terrorists Already Have Attacked Our Food Supplies

5) Atkins-Approved Snacks

4) Chi-Chi's

3) Lender's Bagels (toxic to New Yorkers only)

2) McRib

1) You know those rumors about Corona?... all true!

Karzai Inaugurated
After being inaugurated as Afghanistan's first freely elected president today, Hamid Karzai says the truly "hard task" lays ahead. Of course that would be the task of trying not to become Afghanistan's first freely-elected assassinated president.

Tea Production
Statistics show India was the world's top tea producer this year followed by China. Actually, India and China have been the world's top two tea producers for 100 years, but the Democrats are still blaming outsourcing.

Top 5 Least Popular Grammy Awards

5) Most-Stabbed Rap Artist of the Year

4) Best Neverland Ranch Overnight Guest of the Year

3) Best Agnostic Gospel Record of the Year

2) Most Grammatically-Correct Lyrics of the Year

1) Least-Illegally-Downloaded Song of the Year

Disney Corporate World
Walt Disney World is opening a new attraction where kids can learn about the business world. The top ride is "The Eisner," where you rush to keep more talented employees than you from ever running the company.

Blake Trial
Robert Blake's murder trial could be delayed after someone stole his attorney's computer containing what the defense calls "the heart and soul of their case." But it's unclear how 500 games of video solitaire factored into Robert Blake's defense.

Piscopo Sorry
Comedian Joe Piscopo says that he wants to change the way Italian-Americans are negatively portrayed in movies and on, he's agreed never to act in movies or on TV again

More Newsweek Religious Polls

50% of Americans believe every word of the bible... the other 50% believe everything they read on the internet

60% of Americans believe in the miracles and kindness of Christmas... the other 40% have been to the Post Office lately

95% of Americans celebrate Christmas in some fashion... the other 5% work for the ACLU

50% of Americans sing Christmas carols... the other 50% just like to sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells..."

50% of American companies give their employees some kind of Christmas bonus... the other 50% of American companies only have Chinese and Indian employees who don't know what Christmas is.

Lenox Homeless Experiment
10 pre-teens slept in cardboard boxes outside a Berkshries Church last night to see what it's like to be homeless. The kids all learned two very important lessons: 1) It's really tough to be homeless. 2) Sleeping overnight outside in a box is still better than sleeping overnight inside Michael Jackson's house.

Shift-Work Sleep Deprivation
The Labor Department says Detroit has the largest number of nightshift workers, leading to a population filled with people with health and mental problems. But it's not clear if those people are having problems because they work overnight, or because they live in Detroit

Scotus Porn Ruling
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that the city of San Diego was right to fire a policeman who sold sexually explicit videotapes of himself in uniform. When are these defense lawyers going to learn that when you're defending porn in front of Justice Thomas, DON'T tell him it's GAY porn... he's cool with all the other stuff!

Monday, December 06, 2004

IBM PC Sale?
IBM may stop making PC's in order to focus on its consulting and tech support business. But experts say this isn't a smart move since 99% of the company's consulting and tech support business comes from the fact that nobody can figure out how to use IBM PC's

Top 5 Controversial Claims about Jesus and Christmas in this Week's Time and Newsweek Magazines

5) Jesus did turn water into a wine at a wedding, but it was a gay wedding

4) Mary left Nazareth mostly to cash in on the higher welfare payments for single moms in Bethlehem

3) The 3 Kings were actually just looking for a place to stash all their stolen gold, frankincense and myrrh

2) Crucifixion didn't bother Mary as much as the fact that Jesus never became a doctor

1) Jesus doesn't even have George W. Bush's phone number

Newsweek Poll
A new Newsweek poll found that 55% of Americans believe every word in the Bible is literally true. The other 45% voted for John Kerry.

Newsweek Poll II
A new Newsweek poll found that 79% of Americans believe Jesus was born to the Virgin Mary with no human father. The other 21% believe Mary's story is proof that abstinence-based sex ed classes will never work.

Snow Falls
Treasury Secretary John Snow is expected to be forced out sometime this week. Republicans are angry about his lack of support for privatizing Social Security, Democrats are furious that he called U.S. job losses a "myth," and President Bush is mad because Snow let Nicolas Cage steal the Declaration of Independence and find that buried treasure.

Frist Promise
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist predicted that Congressional Republicans will improve security by coming up with a big compromise on the intelligence bill this week. Of course Congress is always the best place to go for a compromise on intelligence.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Bonds Statement
Barry Bonds told the grand jury that he had "no idea" the substances his trainer was giving him were steroids. So despite overwhelming evidence, Bonds just trusted him... well at least the Republicans have a perfect replacement for President Bush!

Friday, December 03, 2004

Top 5 Reasons Former NYPD Commissioner Bernard Kerick will be a Good Homeland Security Chief

5) Has experience apprehending sketchy Muslims after years of busting shish kabob street vendors for health violations

4) Can confuse suicide car bombers by implementing impossible-to-understand "alternate side of the street" parking rules in Iraq

3) Will unleash our new secret weapon against al Qaeda: Andy Sipowicz's naked butt

2) Will send enemy combatants to an island even more isolated and terrible than Guantanamo: Staten Island

1) Successfully protected Rudy Giuliani's comb-over for 2 years, everything else is easy

Earliest Surgery
Archaeologists in Virginia say they've found the 400-year old skeleton of a person who may have been operated on. Doctors believe this is the earliest evidence of a surgery because of the crude cut marks, condition of the remains, and the fact that there was only one insurance form found next to the body.

Mets Pitcher
The New York Mets front office is furious with pitcher Kris Benson's wife Anna for publicly discussing her sex life all the time. Of course, the Mets executives would seem a little less hypocritical if they'd stop screwing the fans all the time.

Top 5 Reasons Senator Jon Corzine is Running for governor of New Jersey

5) Spends all his time stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike anyway

4) Joe Piscopo's dangerous attempt to restart his career needs to be monitored more closely

3) Needs to find a good state job for his new Israeli girlfriend

2) Nobody in New Jersey looks at you funny when you play Bon Jovi CD's in the office

1) There's only like 3 other Democrats left in Washington for him to talk to anyway

No Santa at Target
Target is under fire for banning Salvation Army's red collection kettles from its store entrances this holiday season. The company says it has nothing against Christmas, it's just that it doesn't like to feature any merchandise that isn't made in China.

Israeli Noble Winners
Two Israeli scientists will be awarded the Nobel Prize for Chemistry later this week in Stockholm. The researchers astounded the scientific world by showing that cells get rid of unwanted proteins by pulling out of their shared territories and then building a large wall.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Giambi Steroids
With Yankees star Jason Giambi admitting to a grand jury that he's taken steroids, baseball fans are losing their faith in the game. Now the only way to be sure you're watching athletes not taking performance enhancing drugs is to follow the Mets.

Top Five Places Jason Giambi Hid his Illegal Steroids

5) Sammy Sosa's bat

4) Shawn Green's Yarmulke, (Oy! If only he wore one)

3) Curt Schilling's real ankle bone, (wherever that is)

2) Nomar Garciaparra's jock, (plenty of unused room in there)!

1) Right in the box seats at Shea Stadium, (trust me, nobody ever sees you there)

Homeless Experiment
Teenage members of a Church group in the Berkshires will learn what it's like to be homeless by sleeping outside in boxes this Saturday night. Unfortunately, this is the Berkshires, so real estate agents are already looking to put the boxes on the condo market starting at $375,000 each.

Female Viagra
The FDA is considering approving a patch that acts as a so-called "Viagra for women." The patch actually doesn't do anything to boost the female sex drive, it just sends a message to a woman's brain convincing her that the man she's with really will call her in the morning.

Overseas Degrees
Studies show more and more American students are attending universities overseas to save on tuition and enjoy a foreign culture. Actually, the most popular reason for spending your college years abroad is you get a good jump on avoiding the draft.

Drug Plans
Several new health plans are offering "no limits" on prescription drugs, but only for seniors. Of course, there is a place where younger Americans can turn for no limits on their drugs, it's called "college."

Powell Haiti
Armed gunmen traded shots with guards while Secretary of State Colin Powell visited Haiti's presidential palace in Port-au-Prince yesterday. Well, at least Powell got a warmer reception than President Bush did in Canada.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Jennings Loses
Record-breaking Jeopardy! champ Ken Jennings finally lost when he responded incorrectly to this answer: "Most of this firm's white-collar employees work only four months a year." Of course the correct question is: "What is Congress."

Fallujah Torture
U.S. forces believe they've found several homes in Fallujah that were used as torture chambers. Soldiers found handcuffs, chains, and videotapes of every episode of "The Rebel Billionaire."

Musharraf's Power
Pakistan's parliament is considering a bill that will allow President Pervez Musharraf to keep his dual role as leader of his country's military and its president. The only other person in the world with those combined powers is Dick Cheney.

Bush Thanks
President Bush is in Halifax, Nova Scotia today to thank hundreds of local families who hosted American travelers who were stranded because of 9/11. Of course, ever since Bush won re-election, most of the Americans who stayed in Halifax are now trying to move there for good.

Teens and Poker
The popularity of several new poker shows on TV has some critics wondering if too many teenagers are being "drafted into gambling." But most experts say parents shouldn't worry about poker, especially since most American teens are about to be drafted into Iraq.

Ukraine Vote
Ukraine's parliament has voted out the nation's new prime minister, who won office in a disputed election. The news has millions of Americans asking: "Can we move to the Ukraine?"