Top 5 Instructions Judge Delucchi Read to the Scott Peterson Jury

5) It doesn't matter whether you liked the blonde Scott better than the brunette Scott, your verdict for both of them must be the same

4) You can vote right away, but if you decide to execute him it would be pretty funny to stay out for at least 5 days just to make him sweat a little

3) This is the most important thing to know if your deliberations go long: A straight beats three-of-a-kind

2) I know she's a skank, but you can't sentence Scott Peterson to life with Amber Frey

1) If you get this over with quickly I promise not to put any of you on the Michael Jackson jury

Laptop Danger
Scientists are now saying that the heat generated by laptop computers can potentially affect sperm quality and quantity in men... though not as much as the internet porn most men look at on their lap top computers.

Christmas Shopping
Retailers are noticing a drop-off in sales since a strong post-Thanksgiving weekend. Experts say consumers will return to the mall just as soon as they save up enough money to fill their cars with gas.

Top 5 Rejected Themes for President Bush's Second Inauguration
5) "Thank You al Qaeda, We Wouldn't Still Be Here Without You!"

4) "Same Sh*t... Different Four Years"

3) An Inauguration for Someone Who Can't Spell 'Inauguration'"

2) "Four More Years of No Sex in the Oval Office"

1) "George W. Bush 2: The Wrath of Jesus"

Def Jam Decision
Jay-Z was named president of the Def Jam record label... Democrats are demanding a recount.

Sharpton Money
New York's Village Voice is reporting that of the $86,000 the Democratic National Committee paid to Al Sharpton to campaign for John Kerry, $35,000 of it went right into Sharpton's pocket. But Sharpton denies that and insists it actually went right into his stomach

Travolta Blimp
John Travolta has reportedly bought an $11 million zeppelin for Christmas from the Neiman-Marcus catalogue. Of course Travolta should feel comfortable in his own blimp because it can't possibly crash and burn as often as his career.

NYC Deal
Under a deal announced by New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg, the History Channel will help improve the city's image by fixing up historical landmarks. But the History Channel pulled out of the deal when it found out the city has no statues of Hitler.

Gay Rights Pullback?
In the wake of their clear losses in in the November elections, leaders of the gay rights movement are thinking about scaling back their goals. But most rank-and-file members still want to try to date Matt Damon.

W Pictorial
The January issue of W magazine will feature elephants wearing clothes made by some of today's top designers... but enough about Kirstie alley and Liza Minnelli.