Landlord Convicted
A jury found a New York City landlord guilty of using violence to force out two brothers who were living in a 3-bedroom rent-controlled apartment for $400 a month. The big question in this case is: how the Hell did they get 12 New Yorkers to sympathize with people living in an apartment for $400 a month?!?

Rumsfeld Questioned
During a televised event in Kuwait yesterday, a National Guard soldier asked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld some tough questions about the lack of adequate vehicle armor. The soldier may not get more armor for his unit, but he is now the front-runner to replace Dan Rather at CBS.

Top 5 Reasons U.S. Defense Contractors Aren't Making Enough Vehicle Armor for Troops in Iraq

5) Chinese factory workers at most outsourced defense companies are just not as patriotic about the United States as they should be

4) Making more armor really cuts into their much more lucrative casket-making businesses

3) Well they could, but then there wouldn't be as much money for all the executives to steal and give to their mistresses

2) Protecting American troops not so popular with all the foreign shareholders

1) Great! They make all those great bombs and bullets, and then have to make armor that stops bombs and bullets. Where's the point in that?!?

Monday Night Fire
Angry viewers flooded Chicago's ABC station with complaints when the station preempted the first half of "Monday Night Football" with continuous coverage of this week's LaSalle Bank building fire. The callers had a point, if people in Chicago wanted to see a disaster they would have been watching the Bulls game.

MBA Cat
The Pennsylvania attorney general's office is suing the online Trinity Southern University for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees -- including an MBA awarded to a cat. But in their defense, the school correctly points out that the cat is already showing more business sense than the contestants on "The Apprentice."

Treasury Phones
AT&T has won a $1 billion contract to provide super-high speed communications to the Treasury Department. The new system is expected to help President Bush inform the next few Treasury Secretaries the exact moment when they're fired.

Iraq Warning
Iraq's interim president Ghazi Yawar warned Iran today against meddling in Iraq's elections and trying to force a religious government on its own people... oh wait, he actually sent that warning to the U.S.

KKK Ruling
The Supreme Court ruled this week that members of the Ku Klux Klan cannot protest in New York City wearing their hoods and must show their faces. Of course, the Klan already demonstrated without their masks in New York this summer... but that was when they were delegates to the Republican National Convention.

Chinese Drinking
A new discovery indicates that the Chinese had been drinking alcohol as early as 9000 years ago. The news has the entire nation of Ireland drinking even more heavily to catch up.

Flu Shots Coming
Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson announced that 1.2 million additional flu shots are being shipped to Washington D.C. this month. Usually you don't have that many pricks coming to the nation's capital until they swear in the new members of Congress.

IBM Sale
IBM is selling its PC manufacturing business to a Chinese computer company. At least now all the executives and factory employees will be able to speak to each other without an interpreter.