Top 5 Signs Terrorists Already Have Attacked Our Food Supplies

5) Atkins-Approved Snacks

4) Chi-Chi's

3) Lender's Bagels (toxic to New Yorkers only)

2) McRib

1) You know those rumors about Corona?... all true!

Karzai Inaugurated
After being inaugurated as Afghanistan's first freely elected president today, Hamid Karzai says the truly "hard task" lays ahead. Of course that would be the task of trying not to become Afghanistan's first freely-elected assassinated president.

Tea Production
Statistics show India was the world's top tea producer this year followed by China. Actually, India and China have been the world's top two tea producers for 100 years, but the Democrats are still blaming outsourcing.

Top 5 Least Popular Grammy Awards

5) Most-Stabbed Rap Artist of the Year

4) Best Neverland Ranch Overnight Guest of the Year

3) Best Agnostic Gospel Record of the Year

2) Most Grammatically-Correct Lyrics of the Year

1) Least-Illegally-Downloaded Song of the Year

Disney Corporate World
Walt Disney World is opening a new attraction where kids can learn about the business world. The top ride is "The Eisner," where you rush to keep more talented employees than you from ever running the company.

Blake Trial
Robert Blake's murder trial could be delayed after someone stole his attorney's computer containing what the defense calls "the heart and soul of their case." But it's unclear how 500 games of video solitaire factored into Robert Blake's defense.

Piscopo Sorry
Comedian Joe Piscopo says that he wants to change the way Italian-Americans are negatively portrayed in movies and on TV...so, he's agreed never to act in movies or on TV again

More Newsweek Religious Polls

50% of Americans believe every word of the bible... the other 50% believe everything they read on the internet

60% of Americans believe in the miracles and kindness of Christmas... the other 40% have been to the Post Office lately

95% of Americans celebrate Christmas in some fashion... the other 5% work for the ACLU

50% of Americans sing Christmas carols... the other 50% just like to sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells..."

50% of American companies give their employees some kind of Christmas bonus... the other 50% of American companies only have Chinese and Indian employees who don't know what Christmas is.

Lenox Homeless Experiment
10 pre-teens slept in cardboard boxes outside a Berkshries Church last night to see what it's like to be homeless. The kids all learned two very important lessons: 1) It's really tough to be homeless. 2) Sleeping overnight outside in a box is still better than sleeping overnight inside Michael Jackson's house.

Shift-Work Sleep Deprivation
The Labor Department says Detroit has the largest number of nightshift workers, leading to a population filled with people with health and mental problems. But it's not clear if those people are having problems because they work overnight, or because they live in Detroit

Scotus Porn Ruling
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that the city of San Diego was right to fire a policeman who sold sexually explicit videotapes of himself in uniform. When are these defense lawyers going to learn that when you're defending porn in front of Justice Thomas, DON'T tell him it's GAY porn... he's cool with all the other stuff!