Top 5 Reasons Former NYPD Commissioner Bernard Kerick will be a Good Homeland Security Chief

5) Has experience apprehending sketchy Muslims after years of busting shish kabob street vendors for health violations

4) Can confuse suicide car bombers by implementing impossible-to-understand "alternate side of the street" parking rules in Iraq

3) Will unleash our new secret weapon against al Qaeda: Andy Sipowicz's naked butt

2) Will send enemy combatants to an island even more isolated and terrible than Guantanamo: Staten Island

1) Successfully protected Rudy Giuliani's comb-over for 2 years, everything else is easy

Earliest Surgery
Archaeologists in Virginia say they've found the 400-year old skeleton of a person who may have been operated on. Doctors believe this is the earliest evidence of a surgery because of the crude cut marks, condition of the remains, and the fact that there was only one insurance form found next to the body.

Mets Pitcher
The New York Mets front office is furious with pitcher Kris Benson's wife Anna for publicly discussing her sex life all the time. Of course, the Mets executives would seem a little less hypocritical if they'd stop screwing the fans all the time.

Top 5 Reasons Senator Jon Corzine is Running for governor of New Jersey

5) Spends all his time stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike anyway

4) Joe Piscopo's dangerous attempt to restart his career needs to be monitored more closely

3) Needs to find a good state job for his new Israeli girlfriend

2) Nobody in New Jersey looks at you funny when you play Bon Jovi CD's in the office

1) There's only like 3 other Democrats left in Washington for him to talk to anyway

No Santa at Target
Target is under fire for banning Salvation Army's red collection kettles from its store entrances this holiday season. The company says it has nothing against Christmas, it's just that it doesn't like to feature any merchandise that isn't made in China.

Israeli Noble Winners
Two Israeli scientists will be awarded the Nobel Prize for Chemistry later this week in Stockholm. The researchers astounded the scientific world by showing that cells get rid of unwanted proteins by pulling out of their shared territories and then building a large wall.