NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Jenna Teaching
President Bush's 22-year old daughter Jenna will take a teaching job at a Washington, D.C. elmentary school. This marks the first time a sitting President's daughter will teach at a public school, and the first time in history that the Secret Service is likely to be outgunned.

Sprint-Nextel
Sprint and Nextel will merge in $35 billion deal that would create America's third largest wireless telephone service provider. Most of the new company's business will come from annoying lawyers finalizing the merger while on their cell phones.

Top 5 Conditions the Hawks had to Agree to Before Returning to 927 5th Ave.

5) No loud parties after 10pm

4) Provide proof that they didn't vote for Bush

3) Promise to make a big donation to the Museum of Natural History next fall

2) Pretend that fellow resident Paula Zahn is a journalist

1) "Accidentally" poop on a few lingering protesters

Missile Failure
An interceptor missile failed to launch Wednesday in the first full flight test of the U.S. national missile defense system in nearly two years. The Bush Administration says the missile obviously lacked "moral values"