Today is my birthday!

I'd like to thank the politicians, celebrities, and all the other ethically-challenged people in the world for making my joke-writing career so easy this past year!

In lieu of flowers, I ask all my readers to enjoy a laugh and please SPREAD THE WORD about Jake Novak, the aspiring comedian who dreams of working for Dave, Conan or Jay someday soon, (preferably before my next birthday).

Super-Cold
It was so cold in New York City last night; Bernard Kerik only left the house to meet two of his mistresses.

Bush Social Security
President Bush refused to answer specific questions about his plans to overhaul Social Security, saying that "negotiating with himself," would only lead to failure. But experts say that's not necessarily the case; if Bill Clinton had "negotiated with himself" a little more often he probably wouldn't have gotten into that whole Monica Lewinsky mess.

Worst Crash Test
The 2004 Kia Spectra got the insurance industry's worst safety rating this year after a crash test dummy's head, chest, and legs were injured in the 40 mph crash test. That says nothing of the dummy's self-esteem, which was irreparably damaged after it was seen in a Kia Spectra.

Top 5 Cars More Dangerous than the 2004 Kia Spectra

5) A new car at Christmastime with one of those stupid gigantic bows still on it

4) A 1985 Nissan Sentra... in Baghdad

3) A Hummer at an environmentalist rally

2) School Bus... at the Neverland Ranch

1) Anything driven by Billy Joel

Going Co-Ed
A judge has rejected a lawsuit that would have blocked Wells College's plans to allow men to enroll in the school for the first time in its 136-year history. The court's decision means the student body now has just 10 months to shave their legs.