Top 5 Lessons Jenna Bush Will Teach Her Elementary School Students

5) Arts and Crafts: How to make a fake ID

4) History: If your Grandad was famous, you get to go to a good college!

3) Phys. Ed: Run, hop, and crawl to the next pub

2) Science: Jesus makes it grow!

1) Math: a huge budget deficit + more irresponsible tax cuts + an endless war in Iraq = 4 more years!

DC Baseball Curve
It looks like the Montreal Expos' planned move to the nation's capital will fall through. So, the team will probably end up doing what everyone else who can't make it in Washington does -- become commentators on the FOX News Channel.

Kerik Flaws
Insiders say that the failure of Bernard Kerik's nomination to head Homeland Security is due to Kerik not being candid about his problems, the FBI not conducting an investigation of him, and none of his supporters really questioning his background. Oh wait, that's how we got stuck with President Bush.

Going to Israel
Immigration to Israel from America has surged this year to a 20 year high. Yep, if you're sick of all the "blue state/red state internal conflict, there's no place like Israel to get a little peace.

Bush Summit
This week, President Bush opened a gathering of economists and CEOs at a gathering called "securing our economic future." And after they're through figuring out how to do that, maybe they'll talk a little about the rest of the country.

Pill's Benefits
Federal health officials are backing off earlier claims, and now say there is no evidence that oral contraceptives cut the risk of heart disease. But most women insist that taking the pill can still save you from the heart attack you'll get from finding out you're accidentally pregnant.

Yuschenko Poison
New tests reveal the dioxin level in Victor Yushchenko is more than 6,000 times higher than normal, But that's still less than the cholesterol levels in Dick Cheney.

Dirty Games
Illinois' governor proposed legislation that would make the state the first to ban the sale and distribution of violent and sexually explicit video games to minors. So I guess that means kids in Chicago won't be able to go to see the Bulls anymore

Married Health
New research shows that married Americans have fewer psychological problems than single, divorced or widowed people... which explains why your spouse works so hard to drive you crazy.

Top 5 Least Popular Exhibits at the History of Contraception Museum in Cleveland

5) Hall of Unpleasant Body Odors

4) Twice-Used Condoms Display

3) Non-Alcoholic Beer Collage

2) Spermicidal Jelly Finger Paintings

1) Portrait of Bea Arthur

Gay Soldiers
A new report says the U.S. Army would not have to recall so many formerly discharged soldiers, if it had not fired so many gay soldiers in recent years. And there wouldn't be so many gay soldiers if the Army could get of Iraq and see some real women for a change.

New Tactic
A new trend for women in New York City to avoid getting harassed by strange men is to wear fake diamond engagement rings. Which is funny, because women who do want to get harassed by strange men are wearing fake boobs.